Do I have to uproot my entire life to be free of this addiction?

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#1 Sep 19 - 2AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Do I have to uproot my entire life to be free of this addiction?

today- I am quite sure he came to where I walk my dog and followed me- walking his dog....then Lo and Behold- a woman came upon the trail and they walked away together. My friend said she saw them walking hand in hand. she is the new OW.

I think he was due to meet this new woman there for a walk, got there first and saw my car- and instead of waiting to walk with her- he tried to find me...then she arrived, probably wondering where the hell he was- and when she came closer to him - he made a bee line to get out of my sight.

all very sick,sick sick on his part.

I said nothing to him. I did not look at him. I did not bite.
and please do not tell me not to go to this place. there are only a few places to walk dogs and this is my favorite place and I avoid it completely until dusk when I have been very sure he does not go there....well today, he came. and I think he came because he drove by and saw my car.

I have gone out of my way to avoid places and times when I think he will be at certain locations, but still the sightings happen almost once or twice a month and it takes days to recover from the pain and anxiety.

the sick thing is he was meeting his new OW there.but he felt so compelled to track me down that he left her in the dust. any noble man would have seen my car in the lot and left- doing the gracious and respectful thing of not walking with the OW where his ex is..he has no boundaries, he could care less about my pain, her potential pain. he wants what he wants and that is all that matters.

so I am just feeling so deflated and hopeless because I wonder if this addiction will ever truly be lifted from me.

I have done everything to disappear from his world. yet these random run ins hurt my heart and mind so much- they rattle me for days. I crave, I obsess, I grief, I hate....when will this stop?

I will not break NC, don't worry.

I just wonder if the only freedom will come if I move from this beloved town. and start fresh somewhere far away.
It seems SO HUGE to do this. I have a very established business here. I have so many good and loyal friends, I have a wonderful home in a wonderful town...Do I really have to uproot my entire life to be free of this torture?

#2 Sep 20 - 1PM

peacelily76

Don't move...

because moving would mean he won. With any luck he'll get sucked under a rock and disappear for good anyway. My ex, even though he has moved to the next county along still comes back to my home county and visits the city I now live in as much as he can. It's almost as if he is hoping to bump into me so he can rub it in a bit more. Or maybe it's because he is completely thick and lacking any insight and doesn't see or feel the need to give me space. Despite his cunning attempts at manipulation, I now suspect he is actually quite dense! If he truly does lack empathy, he wouldn't understand how his crawling all over 'my area' would be offensive. It could even be as basic as this. He used to go there with you; it's what he knows; he doesn't see a problem with taking the OW there. This is an idiot we are talking about remember! My advice would be take a friend with you next time. Go with someone and then you won't be so vulnerable or isolated. I really believe exposure therapy is good so you can build up a bank of positive experiences in one location that outweigh any negative ones. And take your cell phone!!! xxx

#3 Sep 19 - 4PM

gettinbetter

Have u really done everything

Have u really done everything to remove any connection to him? Which means no snooping about him or the other woman to include vviewing fb pages etc? Unfortunately yes you do have to uproot if you are in active addiction. Just as alcoholics in rehab can go to bars even if they are drinking water. You just can't do it when u are actively trying to break an addiction. This is no different. If u go places where u know there may be u just can't do when u are trying to break the addiction in fact it will reinforce it. Maybe when you are further along in recovery but not when you still feel like u are in the throes of addiction. I think I have been one of the worst addicts on here. Its inconvienent yes but you have to to stay away from any exposure it really is the only way.

#4 Sep 20 - 1AM (Reply to #7)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

Yup! I am hardcore about NC gettinbetter

I am off Facebook totally. I do not snoop. I do not drive by. I do not even talk about him anymore to my friends. I know this is what it takes.. I live in a small town and he lives 30 seconds from me. there are only so many places to walk my dog. I have AVOIDED those places at the time I knew he goes. I know his schedule well..but he came yesterday at a time I thought was "safe". I think I have done everything I can to reduce the triggers...and Life is showing me that I cannot CONTROL everything. So instead of never going to these places, I have to learn how to calm and quell my mind when I see him. I have to do the same thing someone with a phobia does - de sensitize my mind and heart to occasionally running into him. I know I am an addict. I have known for some time. and I think in the early phases of recovery- one does need to stay away from all sources of triggers, but I am not new to this and I think where I am at- is I need to be able to be around a "bar" and still not drink...I will still go out of my way to avoid him..but Life is showing me that these run ins are inevitable even when I do my best- so the key here is develop equanimity and a feeling of "okayness" when he is within my sight. This is one hard road...

#5 Sep 20 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

gettinbetter

Yes it is! This has been

Yes it is! This has been brutal for me. This my second round with him. The first one was very traumatic but it was 15 years ago and it lasted 5 years and I too lived 2 miles from him and we worked for the same firm and had also known eachother in high school and college. I can definitely tell you the 2nd time around the trauma bond tightens even more. Its good that you know your an addict. Not everyone on here is but some of us are and it makes it even worse. You sound like you have a good handle on it just takes time now. I just tell myself I got over this once. I can do it again. My hope is though that I will get to and heal the root of this addiction this time as I'm afraid hell show back up in 5 years for a repeat performance

#6 Sep 20 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

it's true the 2,3,4 go- arounds get more intense gettinbetter

I have lost count what number go around this was...but is has been by far the STRONGEST bond....I have to read more about trauma bonding I think. I know it a bit but I am quite sure it applies to this relationship. I am so so sorry you are going through this kind of pain. I hear that you understand mine. I bet we have suffered so much and giving up this addiction is truly the hardest thing I have ever done in my 45 years of life! Yes, I had 15 months NC a few years back and I felt almost free of it...not 100%- but i was so close....so I remind myself of this too- when it feels hopeless. I send you loads of support today and in the days following. I'd like read your story- is it up on the forum? XO

#7 Sep 20 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

gettinbetter

No my story isnt posted for

No my story isnt posted for privacy reasons. The old timers on here all know it anyway (over and over and over LOL. Ill PM it to you when I have a moment. It was all very truamatic for me back then. I thought I would never get over it but eventually I did and I married a wonderful man. Fast forward 15 years and facebook. Facebook I have come to the conclusion is the devil. Good for you in knowing your addiction. It takes awhile for us to admit that to ourselves but once us addicts do half the battle is over. So proud of you for staying clean. I have not done quite as well but I keep trying. I want to get better. I want to get better more than I want a fix. xoxoxo

#8 Sep 19 - 8AM

Winter

Oh no!

Of course you don't! On the other hand, it will trigger you for a while to see him. This makes your progress a bit more difficult, but not impossible. Maybe you should just accept, make it your reality and face it. Something like: “Yes, every time I will run into him, I will be triggered. Unfortunately I cannot avoid it. I can only calmly accept it.” Not to blame or feel disappointed with yourself and with this situation. Just do not “nurture it”. “Ok, I feel sad and hurt after seeing him. Btw, what am I doing tonight for supper?” Or something like that... I have no personal experience. One of my friend does. She said it felt horrible at first, like a knife in her heart to see his ex with the OW. Then with time, she got used and not that triggered. With time (she said about a year) she was not triggered anymore. And her mind switched off completely. Even if she felt a little something, when seeing him, five minutes later her mind was naturally occupied with something else without any effort from her side. Courage to you!

#9 Sep 19 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

Thank you Winter, these are wise loving ideas.

you are right- this is my reality for now and I can choose how much to let it affect me...what I tend to do is obsess after the run ins...try to figure out all the angles of how, why , when and what does this mean...it is useless mind energy that would be better spent on asking myself "what lovely meal can I have for dinner?" sometimes I am still in shock over how cruel and self centered he can be... I sit here this morning- shocked that he would knowingly choose to walk this small trail- with the OW, while I am there...even more sinister is that I really think he got there early- saw I was there- left her in the dust to find me..then when she arrived- he had no other choice but to move away from me....another victim, more wreckage in a new woman's life. Part of me just wanted to yell in the moment we were all yards away from each other "he is a sociopath! run for your life!!!" but instead, i said nothing, held my head high, even though I was crumbling inside... this is the hardest journey I will ever face. and if one day, I have true healing and peace of mind- I will know I beat the beast and that there is no looking back. I feel so much closeness with all of you here and I hope we all move through this with grace, dignity and most of all loving kindness to ourselves.

#10 Sep 19 - 8AM

Used

strivingforhealing

hi sfh, no you dont have to walk your dog anywhere else, you dont have to move home and your buisness and friends....WHY SHOULD YOU....let this arsehole move not you....you are too strong to even be thinking about changing your life, but i know on a day bad it all seems to much, i fully understand......if that DICKHEAD feels the need[like my narc] to appear, and to show you every thing in his life is HUNKY DORY...that means it aint!!!!!! if i met someone tomorrow and liked him, i wouldnt begin turning up were exn goes as if .to say haha..i have moved on b/c if i had moved on ,he wouldnt even be in my head....he is a dickhead, and it is all to get noticed....good for you you carried on doing what you were doing......

#11 Sep 19 - 7AM

Hunter

Screw him, he is creating a

Screw him, he is creating a triangle! You are well read, why would he take OW close to you? Why? He is sick. My narc would do this crap all the time! It's mouse trap !' LEAVE THE CHEESE!!! Keep fighting, ignoring is your only option! Time will and NC will win! Hunter

#12 Sep 19 - 7AM

How could I

You just said it

You just said it - any "noble man" would have seen my car....... He is just not a noble man!! Mine talks to, and takes the OW out right in front of my eyes! Hurts so bad, doesn't it? Do I have to quit my job - a job I have been at much longer than he - just to get away from him? So sorry you are going through this, but I do understand how you feel. I am trying to stick it out, praying that in the long run, it makes me the stronger person. Also, maybe much healthier that I am sure never to fall for anyone like this again! Good luck to you!!!!

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