djae's Story

I met ExN 14 years ago at a bar. He was working on the road and was here in my hometown for the week he was working. He traveled from Kansas City to Chicago. When I met him he told me he was divorced and told me he had 3 children. Kept telling me he was not a dead beat dad. We talked all night and ended up together at his hotel that night. I never in my life went with a man or for that matter slept with a man after 1 meeting. but for some reason I felt like I connected with him. I left in the morning and when I got home I felt kind of ashamed and kind of excited at the same time. Anyway I thought "he just used me for a 1 nighter" I'll probably never hear from him again. Low and behold he called me 1 weeek later frlm Kansas City and said he would be back in my town in 1 week and would I go out on a date with him. I jumped for joy because then I thought he must of thought more of me than a 1 night stand. He showed up at my house because I told him where I live in that conversation. He spent the weekend with me and it was like everyone says, too good to be true. I hadn't been in a relationship for a while. My EXH was killed in an auto accident and I had 2 young children to take care of and support. And had to deal with the emotional train wreck he left my children in not to mention he left all of his life insurance to a new wife of only 1 year. Didn't leave his kids anything. After learning about this disorder I now know EXH was a true narc. But I didn't feel as bad when we divorced because It was over way before we divorced. I mainly stayed for the kids. We continued to have a long distance relationship for about 6 months with him coming to see me or me going to see him. He treated my kids so good and I couldn't believe how well they liked him too. He lived in a trailor with his cousin and lived like a slob but for some reason that didn't bother me. He asked me if he would put in for a transfer would I consider living with him in my home. I really wanted this so I said YES!! Couldn't wait for the move in to happen. After he moved in he told me he didn't have much money because most of his money was going to child support and back child support. Well met him in a bar and that's what he did after he moved in. Bar after work,Bar on Friday and Saturday. Basically drank all of the time and still worked. I was not innocent as I would go out with him on the weekends and drink and dance and have fun. Then He started changing. Accusing me of wanting to be with other men while we were out if I just talked to someone of the opposite sex which would then turn into a fight about him not being able to trust me. I would play the I only love you game all of the time just to keep from fighting. Then he would start going out by himself and go golfing until 1-2AM. Kinda hard to see that little white ball at night!! After a couple of years of him hardly contributing to financial resposibilities and doing as he pleased I told him to get hhis shit together or find somewhere else to live. Well he did and it was a hole in the wall apartment. He was screwwing all these nasty women with no morals and loved to drink and drug. Then he would still contact his exw and get back with her every now and then. On and off for the remainder of our so called relationship. He ended up in rehab after he blew $30,000 in cocaine which he got the money from a settlement from an injury at work. After rehab he wanted to come back and promised me the world with his new self and never to go back to that life again. He continued to keep contact with exw saying it was for the kids and I really tried to believe that. What a lie. He was screwing her every time he went to see his kids. He always made plans to see his kids when I was working and never told me in advance so I could request this time off or find someone to work for me. We would get drunken call from exw in the middle of the night and he would say she is just all f@@@@d up I don't know what she is talking about. She would call me a stupid bitch constantly. I can now remeber telling him that he gets bored very easily and I would jump through hoops to try and entertain him. I really can't count how many times he has cheated on me over the years but he always told me it was because I didn't love him enough or I threw him out. He never wanted to help me with paying bills. I can remeber on payday the anxiety I would feel when I would have to ask him for some money to contribute to bills. Sometimes he would give me $100 or sometimes he would say I'll pay with the next check, I promise. It never happened. He always had money for booze and whatever he wanted for himself. He left me 3.5 years ago to be with a very wealthy woman who love to do cocaine and drink with no warning. I came home from work to find all of his clothing and personal things gone. I have to say I had a breakdown and was a real mess for quite some time. He showed up at my door all f@@@@d up 3 months later because she had a restraining order against him, and said he needed help for his drinking and drugging. His boss called me and asked If I could put him up until they could get him to rehab. I reluctantly said yes. Drove him to the airport to go to rehab and he was to be there 3 months. I had such mixed feelings. I knew I still loved him and thought If he can get straightened out thing will work out. He came home after 3 months and was the man I fell in love with. The counselors kept telling me he really loved me and it was the drinking and drugs that made him such a selfish man. Told me I would see a change man when he came home. Well he was sober and seemd to be more responsible for a couple of months. He went to AA and NA every night which I was glad. Then I found he was pursuing a woman from AA. He flat out denied it and told me I was crazy. He grabbed me so hard he broke one of my ribs. Never said he was sorry. Just said I made him so angry and that he didn't mean to break my rib. He had everyone of his new AA friends thinking he was this great NEW man but started to talk to me like shit when no one was around. Left me at home to go to picnics and boating witH AA friends. Had more woman friends than men. Then he was getting very private with his phone calls and texts. Always locked his phone. Told me I was a snoop and didn't respect his privacy. I did look at his texts at one time because he was talking with another woman from AA constantly and he told me he was just trying to help her. I knew better. My final D&D was last September when I found out he was cheating on me with some other woman when he was supposed to be visiting his kids. He flat out denied until I showed him the letter she had sent me. He simply said he was just escaping for the moment. He didn't really want her and she was a skank! I told him to leave that day. He did and he immediatly moved in with his exw. She lives 300 miles away and he had already put in for a transfer for his job(which now I know he had this planned) He has hoovered me over the last 11 months with e-mails and phone call of I love you, I miss you,I lost my best friend and on and on. This kept me from moving forward in any way. I won't deny, I did respond in the beginning only to say I love and miss you too. Then would not hear from him for 2weeks again. He has played with my mind for so long I was still reponding in the sick way that I only knew. Up until last June I couldn't take it anymore. I found this website before June and had been reading and reading. I started NC in June after not seeing him since last September. The last E-mail and phone call I received from him telling me he still loved me even though he was still living with exw,I blew and called his exw. I told her what he was doing to her what he had been doing to me for the last 14 years. She didn't believe me of course so she asked for proof. I sent her every e-mail he ever sent to me. I heard him screaming in the background like a little child saying I was nuts and making all of this up. I have completely blocked him from my phone and e-mail since then. I kind of felt like I betrayed him at first but then I felt like if I didn't do this he would never leave me alone. His last E-mil after I called his exw said "you are dead to me" I don't know why that hurt but It did. I still think of him frequently but not as much as I used to. This forum has been my strength and I know God has brought me here to heal. There was so much more as you all know with your life with a N. I could probably write abook as we all could.(This is pretty close and sorry for that!" Thanks for listening and for all the words of wisdom. This Forum has helped me not to go back to that dark place I was 3 years ago. Love to you all and God bless... Djae