Dispelling Our Own Lies

I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when Glenda told her, “You always had the power to go back to Kansas …. You had to learn it for yourself.”

A narcissist’s dishonesty always eludes them and it is impossible for us to recognize it during the normal early stages of attraction and falling in love. Those of us who believe the best in people, trust at face value, are supportive of our loved ones, believe in second chances and are willing to do the work it takes to have a happy relationship are exactly the kind of people they seek out. That is the kind of man I wanted and when my exN seemed to be that way I fell hard! Woo-hoo! – Oops, Hoovered!

The difference between us and them is that we are honest and they are not. But are we? REALLY? Hindsight (and awareness) is 20/20. A good hard look at my past told me that I was a liar too! After months of heartbreak and hard work and support to heal my pain, I found that my power lies in being honest with myself, accepting the truth, and NOT accepting his behavior.

MY NEW TRUTH:

My problems in the relationship HONESTLY started when I refused to accept the truth about his selfishness, grandiosity, lack of empathy, past failed relationships, neglect, lack of sorrow, promiscuity and passive-aggressive behavior. I made excuses for him.

I hurt myself when I didn’t trust my instinct, ignored the red flags, believed his excuses for his bad behavior and thought I was powerful enough to love the relationship back to what it was in the beginning.

I gave away my personal power by letting him call the shots and waiting around for him to make up his mind, keep his word, SHOW me his love, apologize for hurting me and become willing to work on US.

I disrespected myself by doubting my suspicions and hanging on to the illusion he presented in the beginning.

I hurt myself even MORE by going back a second time, (knowing that he had quickly replaced me with a temporary grudge f*&k who he also D & D’d ), and thinking that if I forgave him and apologized for getting angry at his neglecting me, we could make it work.

MY REAL TRUTH: I D & D’d myself by continuing to stay attached to a toxic man who cannot love me the way I deserve to be loved.

Do I sound like I am beating myself up – NO Way! I didn’t know any better and had no clue about NPD. I have never met such a disingenuous fraud in my life. I didn’t know that I needed to work on genuine self love and healing some childhood wounds. I was a naïve victim.

I was also a victim of my very own thoughts. They betrayed me, telling me that he is not so bad, I can’t do any better than him, I could have saved the relationship, he can change, I’m not worthy of real love, etc. It has been my inner voices and critics who have held me captive to an illusion, leaving me feeling inferior and empty after he treated me like crap. I get it now and it is empowering to know that I can change my thoughts and heal.

After I read Lisa’s book and a whole slew of others, I believe the truth now and I don’t blame myself or feel any shame for what happened. The power to heal is ALL MINE and I have taken it back by being honest with myself and accepting the fact that I had a terrible experience but I am a good person. So are you!

Remember this and believe it: We can never change them and they are not worth the pain and emptiness we feel by continuing to hang onto an illusion. Believing that illusion makes us liars too!

Our power lies within us and it is this: DON’T EVER PUT UP WITH A NARCISSIST! YOU DESERVE BETTER! Our honesty is the key to our recovery from their lies!

Be kind and loving to YOU! - Jannie In the Sun