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disgusted by all the mushy couples at restaurant

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#1 Dec 10 - 11AM
Godhasaplanforme
Godhasaplanforme's picture

disgusted by all the mushy couples at restaurant

Ive tried to stay away from crowds for months, but i was out for dinner tonight. It was nice and quiet. I was enjoying my hot cocoa, and I looked around

and they're at least five couples sitting with that love lorn look, absolutely thrilled to be in each others company...sharing food, some taking pictures, smoking and talking

I felt intensely alone, jealous and angry...

Another day, another sad moment

Dec 10 - 4PM
I don t get it ...
I don t get it I just don t's picture

Godhasaplan

You're brave...I cannot go out right now, the thought of seeing the families, the lovers, thinking about it causes me to feel a new sense of sadness. I am certain that I would cry if I were out. I must also admit that I am envious of those that I know that have a "normal" situation during this holiday season. Next year will be better,thanks to you, and others here that are so honest and willing to share your thoughts and feelings. (It will be better for you too) Thank you for that. I've been drinking loads of hot cocoa too. I don't know where you live, but I found some fabulous Mexican Hot Chocolate, if you're a fan of cinn. you'd love it.
Dec 10 - 4PM
momoya
momoya's picture

Every Kiss begins with....

Well, I hate the Kay jewelers commercials! so so sappy ! ugh! Everytime I it comes on I make fun of it.

momoya

Dec 10 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Hmmm . . . .?

Why are you disgusted by something that you want for yourself? Trust me, I know what you are saying :D . But there is something bad for you in it. Bad for you like smoking or sticking your wet finger in a light socket :D Instead (this is NOT easy at first), say to yourself "Awww, isn't that sweet. They are so in love. Ahh, love. It sure does make the world go round. Bless their little hearts." Then gag or roll your eyes LOL but you will banish that self pity and angst that wants to crawl in your heart and make you bitter and negative. My problem with this was that I'd see two lovesick people trying not to make love in the middle of Starbucks and I'd think "Wonder if she'll be running for her life in another year or two?" or "Wonder how long before he starts knocking her around?" So, if you must, force yourself to celebrate LOVE even if it ain't happening to you :) I think it does something on a spiritual level, too. Bitterness and self pity close a door, and you don't want that door closed, you want it open. To life and future love, because your chances of having it are better than ever. Why is that? Because you will see the Narcs and assclowns a mile away and you'll avoid them. It ain't QUANTITY of relationships here, it's QUALITY. So you have three dates in six months? Were they dates with DECENT men? Or did you have sixty dates with losers and con artists and horndogs? Just somethin' to think about . . . don't whack yourself over the head for being disgusted. It's an opportunity for you to OPEN yourself to the good things in life by simply changing the way you think :)
Dec 10 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

Tough One

I agree this is tough. I had been through not so great break ups but I was always able to see couples and feel happy for them. It made me believe the reall thing was still out there to look forward to. Then the Narc...dadadadahhhhhhhhhh All of sudden I became what I feared the most..bitter. I saw couples and wanted to say yaeh honey you just wait until he breaks your heart or buddy you just wait until you find out shes not what you think and does your best friend. This was one of the hardest things for me to experience. I had so much love for other ( unknowns) before my ex-N. I kept feeling this ugly feeling that was so foreign to me. I imagined I was old and living with 200 cats. It will pass. Not right away but slowly. Hang in there. I know its awful. Your angry. You should be. Just remember you wont be angry forever. Nothing is really forever. HUgs love and light
Dec 10 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
jen79
jen79's picture

Briseis

If she is not there yet, she cannot force herself, she will only feel guilty about not feeling happy for them, supressing the anger and it will come out somewhere else. And when she "tries" to say "aww isnt that sweet I am happy for them", then she still feels anger and jeaöousy and all she did was putting a "happy sticker" on her actual feeling, like this she betrays herself. Every subject has two sides, two ends of the sticks, when she is right now at the dark side of it, no way she can force herself to be happy for them. Let her be angry, its good she is, its better than feeling depressed, the being happy for them will come naturally again one day for her...I am sure of that. You can be happy for people, cause you are already healed so to speak... I read alot about those things lately, and its ok she feels that way now. One day she will see them again and be happy for them, and thinking GOOD to see that something like this exists.
Dec 10 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Dear Jen

Whoa whoa whoa (that's what we say to horses who try to jump out of the stall before we're ready over here :) ) I hear you loud and clear. I promise I do. And I thought about this the entire time I wrote what I did. It's not so much that it's "OK" that she feels this way. No one can control a spontaneous feeling that pops up in their head. There is no "right" or "wrong" with a feeling. Feelings come up like a sneeze or a shiver. They are natural phenomenon like heart beats and breathing, and those things can't be "wrong". What is NOT OK is to allow bitterness to get inside you and lay waste to your soul. This is a very real possibility in our situations :( Here's what I see happening in your post right now. That perhaps what I am saying will cause Godhasaplanforme to blame herself, feel badly and shamed. Lisa Scott says this much better than I do, about "blame". There is no BLAME. There is only noticing and taking responsibility. The ability to respond. NOTICE what you are thinking (I'm speaking in general). NOTICE what you are feeling. And do without BLAME and SHAMING yourself! There's no need. I do this all the time. I can look at a really ugly something I did and not unleash blame and shame on myself. Well, most of the time. It's a habit you cultivate. It's more like, "Is this working for me? Is it good for me, like a wholesome meal or is it like a Hostess Ding Dong or a cigarette?" (I used to smoke like a chimney). I don't walk on eggshells here, because I'm done walking on eggshells ANYWHERE. I'm all about moving beyond this mess. And all about helping people avoid the pitfalls along the way. Most of those pitfalls I've fallen into and had to crawl out of covered with mud. THere's a huge chance of becoming bitter and negative when we come out of these situations. It's just human nature. And I want Godhasaplanforme to move through this as gracefully and hopefully as possible. Without falling in the holes. That's where I'm coming from. No blame. No shame. Just real, no mind games or avoiding the obvious. I am very aware that this can come across as "harsh" or "tough love" at times. I keep that in mind and try to reassure that I am coming from a place of support and encouragement, not shaming and blame.
Dec 10 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
jen79
jen79's picture

Briseis

I didnt mean, you put blame on her. I just have spoken out of my own experience. (I should have written that). I remember feeling shame about being jealous about happy couples. I felt shame, cause I knew its not what "nice" people do. I just wanted to clarify that for HER, that she makes peace with where she is right now. In buddhism they say, there is pain and there is suffer, you can have pain, but suffer comes from pushing against the pain, instead of just letting it be. Thats what I wanted her to know, that right now, where she is, is where she is. Some were there too, others not. Since I read about the emotional scale (godhasaplan google it!), I know that when you are down in depression, the next feeling up the scale is jealousy. And anger. So it is natural for her to feel now that way. And of course you are right, about what you say, does it work for her, no, but right now, feeling what she feels, and making peace with it, is more important. Being happy for other people, this is a big jump, too much of a big jump sometimes for people, for me at least it was, and when I tried it, I felt awful about not being not able to maintain in that mode. So of course, turing the focus around to what do I want, and if I see evidence of that in the world I will be happy, this is the goal. But between there will be many other steps, and its so important, we make peace with that. Hugs!!!
Dec 10 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Jen

I get it Jen! That emotional scale is very true. And I remember passing through anger and jealousy. I am just being Godhasaplanforme's old Grandma saying "If you cross your eyes they'll get stuck that way" :D I have been on these forums a long time. While anger and jealousy in THIS context is understandable, it is often a dangerous place. It is a "Beware all ye who enter" sort of dangerous place. It is obviously antithetical to what any of us really, truly want. I remember Hooklineandsinker here. Very much in the anger and jealousy stage. And needing to move OUT of it. You can't move out of this fast enough. Anger at the Narc? Stay there and roll in it like a dog. Anger diffusely directed at other people who have nothing to do with you but what you don't have but want desperately? That's NATURAL but don't pitch your tent and camp there. Making peace with your anger and jealousy? I hear that very much, too. That's what I mean by no blame, no shame. Just notice it. Yep, here I am, angry and jealous and my ass is burning. Making peace with something does not mean settling into it like a bubble bath. I accept the foot deep soft mud pit in the goat pen, but I don't stand in it because I will lose my boots. Stay smart and aware. It feels to me that what you are saying and what I mean to say are almost the same. I may just not be able to put it into the right words. I'm speaking from a slightly different perspective, too. The Been there Done that perspective. There are some states of being that are natural but not good to stay in. This is one of them.
Dec 10 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
jen79
jen79's picture

Briseis

I know you were just afraid of she getting stuck there. Me too, I thought of hooklinesinker, but I dont think godhasaplan is in danger for that, her energy is far different from hooklinesinker, there were alot of anger in her, and somehow she couldnt get out of it. You are right Brie, the goal has to be up the scale, and the funny thing is, these feelings fade away by themselves if you accept them, if you really make peace with them, then you naturally become happy again one day, cause this is our naturally state of being. Godhasaplan, know that jealousy, and I think thats what Briseis tried to tell you, its just a step in recovery, and dont stay too long there, find better feeling thoughts, WHEN it starts to feel UNCOMFORTABLE. Just be aware, that this anger towards that couples, it comes from focusing on the lack of the existence in your life. But KNOW, that it will come to you one day, if you allow it in, and I know you will. Hugs and love to both of you!
Dec 10 - 12PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

godhasaplanforme

Ooooooooooo. I know! This makes me so angry and jealous! I got married when I was twenty eight because I didn't want to be alone and the boyfriend seemed like a great man and I loved him. I ddecided to settle down, and I stayed with him for ten years, despite finding out he was an alcoholic, bipolar, and after he lost his job, committed arson and went to prison. THEN I finally left him and met the NARC who made my ex look like Suzy Snowflake. I am horrified that me of all people may be left sitting alone in the restaurant for the rest of my life, when I'm the one who sacrificed my freedom for the sake of companionship and security--while my girlfriends, who all sowed their oats until they were forty, are now married and having babies with awesome men, totally unscathed, unjaded and healthy, fit and loved. I hate them all.
Dec 10 - 11AM
jen79
jen79's picture

smoking?

where do you live? Smoking in restaurant???? Ok, that is pretty normal, allow yourself to feel that way, dont be afraid of getting bitter or feeling this is inappropriate or you shouldnt feel that way blahblah. Feel angry, feel jealous, feel sad, it is up the emotional scale, up from despair, so congratulations, you've made progess, let the feelings naturally come as they come, and forget about the morals. Its your recovery. And feeling angry is much better than feeling powerless.