Did your narc refuse intimacy with you?

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Brooke1
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Did your narc refuse intimacy with you?

Mine did.He was actually indifferent to it from the very beginning. Then it got less. Then nothing. He had 5 or 6 different excuses he used over time, none of them having anything to do with each other. I sat him down and said "just tell me,what is it? You know i love you and we can work problems out together if your honest.nope. He said "yes i do desire you" but then he'd give his latest excuse. It was the most insulting,degrading thing ive ever been through with a man (and beleive me ive been degraded in different ways, but this is true rejection for me).
I found porno magazines in his apt one day, so i know he wasnt gay.I guess he was the cerebral type.Has anyone been through this too?

Reddley
Reddley's picture
Mine sure did
Mine was cerebral also. We only had sex 5 or 6 times in 3.5 months. When we did have sex he had delayed ejaculation (AKA retarded ejaculation)... believe me that is just as harmful to someone's self esteem as ED. I constantly thought it's me, I can't help this guy get off... and boom there he goes... with his hand... and ONLY his hand every time. He was very weird about being touched too. If I touched him, he'd jerk away. Unless we were laying down watching tv, then I could put a hand on his stomach or chest but if I touched his hand he'd pull it away like I was diseased. Aaaand the weekend before he started his silent treatment he actually reamed me out for rolling over and putting an arm around him while we were in bed before we got up. "I'm not into this touchy feely shit when I first wake up so stay on your own side of the bed". Just wow...
dabussard
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Reddley
Yes, Mine had the same problem... Delayed Ejaculation... But, my N uses it to hook his ladies... It is marathon sex all night long... I used to orgasim like 20 times a night and he never came. Towards the end, though he got rougher with me and could ejacutalate. It was very hard on my self esteem too. Cause, I kept thinking that it was me too. He never used his hand in front of me... I really can't tell if mine is cerebal or not. When we were together we had sex like twice a week... But, who knows who else he was banging at the same time... Yes, during the silent treatments, I was not allowed to see him, but If he blessed me with the opportunity...lol.. He would not let me touch him... These guys are truely sick...
.brokenglass.
.brokenglass.'s picture
Intimacy yes...sex no..m
We had sex regularly & even through 15 years surprisingly. He withheld the "romance" part when he was D&D (dumb & dumber), no hand holding, kissing, etc. But made sure I was "satisfied" no matter how long it took, maybe this was because he was "king" N & could never be seen as a failure. Anyone else have someone like this? The funny thing is during this last d&d, I was stupid & slept with him thinking we were working things out & he told me "we was just having fun, joking around" WRONG answer, cause a week later he said why don't we...& I said NO LOVE NO SEX.oh don't I wish I had a pic of that face!
Brooke1
Brooke1's picture
pasta=entrapment
the things these guys come up with...i was laughing about this all day everytime i thought about it lol!
Scooters Mom
Scooters Mom's picture
Porn - Yep been there done that
Mine was obsessed with porn had a computer that he never told me about so that when I went to bed he could get out his secret laptop and wack off! Joy
ifinallygotit
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NO
it was his only comfort zone relating well with me as long as it was on his terms, he was the most affectionate, warm sweet lover boy ever.
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture
Sexual Orientation
Do not be surprised if you find out in say, a couple years, months that your Narc comes out. Mine did. When he did - I told him, "well that explains why you really did not know your way around a women." - his glare could have cut glass but at that point I did not give a shit. Making him happy was a full time job and he still dicked me. So, yeah - I read somewhere that Narcs have no sexual orientation so ladies - do not be surprised. They are all mysogonist. They hate us. Yeah well, the feeling is mutual.
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture
Dinner = Trap
CharlieSheenWinning once refused sex because I made him dinner. First he pretended to fall asleep on the couch as we watched TV, then he left abruptly, saying he was exhausted. I felt like the biggest fool for making advances and being, literally, pushed away. A few days later he said it freaked him out and made him feel "trapped." Pasta as a form of entrapment. Nice. How 1950s. Three weeks later he was married to a woman he barely knew. Now THERE'S an example of entrapment!
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture
doing something nice + disgust
the first time mine ever dropped the mask was when I spent all day cooking him a surprise lasagna for a super bowl - he looked at me with such cold disgust when I went over to give it to him that I did not speak to him for a week after. I guess that act of love just repulsed him - but he quickly recovered and sent a nice thank you voicemail and said how good it was the next day. I did not pick up as I was so shocked by his behavior back then around 2005
Journey
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In the first few months
In the first few months during the idealization stage sex was amazing and frequent. When the initial devaluing set in during the 4th month he began to withhold sex and affection. It was his most effective weapon for emotional control over me and he knew it from the start because I'd told him that in my previous relationship we had stopped having sex and that had bothered me before becoming indifferent and leaving what was otherwise a good friendship/relationship situation. He also knew very early that I am a sensual and passionate woman and that was something he said he found so attractive about me right from the start. Eventually I stopped initiating it at all because the rejection was too painful. I was sooo attracted to him and we still had sex whenever HE felt like it - he trained me well to remain hungry for the crumbs of intimacy whenever they were offered cause I never knew when I'd be fed them again. His withholding sex was the ONE issue that snowballed the rest of any insecurity that developed in me over the course of the relationship. When I was still brave enough to initiate it, if he wasn't 'in the mood' I would be made to feel guilty if I showed any disappointment and he would sometimes accuse me of trying to manipulate him emotionally by using sex to control HIM. Projection anyone? He said he felt 'objectified' by my eagerness and that it made him feel like I didn't respect his needs or care about who was attached to the penis. What a dick! (no pun intended) lol!

Journey on...

Brooke1
Brooke1's picture
"felt objectified by my eagerness"
LOL! He sounds like a woman! These guys are nuts!
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture
Journey, I could have written your post
I had the same exact issues in previous relationship and he knew that. He seemed eager in the beginning to figure out the cause of his headaches during sex and supplements to fix ED. Zinc, etc. Taking vitamins, but not going to a doctor. But, that lasted about a week. I quit trying. It was too painful to be turned down.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
what about the other kind of sexual relationship with an N?
the sex was the best I ever had in my 45 yrs. consistently. and it got better and better. we had the "edge" , it wasn't acrobatic sex at all. it was deep , sensual, slow, connected. we both agreed we had something magical and addictive. I don't think he had it with the others.... anyone else had this experience? it sucks. i worry I will never have this kind of passion again. I am not easy to orgasm. I have had years of bad sex ( abusive, withholding, non passionate). but this 8 year on and off with the N was always amazing deep sex. this hurts.
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture
Yes me too, Striving
Same here. I think this is what makes it soooo hard to accept for me. Definitely the best I have ever had. Argggggh!! Though it did change and became kind of weird towards the end. It became sadistic before I ended things but the other 80 percent of the time it was truly AMAZING.
TNR1
TNR1's picture
Sex was amazing...
but he was not into cuddling etc afterwards. He usually wanted to just sleep or surf the internet. Perhaps I am alone in this..but I used to feel when he would think sexually about me. It was the oddest thing...I'd be somewhere and all of a sudden I'd get the most erotic thoughts and have the most erotic dreams and then he would usually contact me about getting together.
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture
Yes
Sex with CharlieSheenWinning was amazing for all the reasons you said above. I wish it wasn't.
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Ditto
Same for me and it sucks. Our relationship only lasted a year, though, and it was long-distance. After reading the posts on the board here for the past few months, I wonder if we had become a full-time couple for a longer period of time, if he would have started withholding, or become selfish, or degrading, or had problems with ED. My guess is things would have changed in one way or another. As it was though, it was amazing up until the final D&D. I've read they like to leave you wanting more. He made sure things ended on a positive note the last time I saw him, only to cruelly discard me 4 weeks later. He even told me during that D&D conversation he didn't think he would ever see me again after the last time, that he was ready for a new chapter in his life. I, on the other hand, was already planning my next trip to see him. He knew what he was doing when used me that last time, whereas I was full of false hope.... again.
Brooke1
Brooke1's picture
they're sure strange and complicated
Its good to know im not the only one.Some of these stories im seeing are really painful.Ive wondered at times if mine was gay too.If he is, he should be honest about it and go after what he really wants. He DID seem way too concerned about what other males he barely knew,thought about him, and when he'd get complimented by a guy friend or aquantance, it seemed to mean way too much to him.That never sat well with me. His dad abandoned him when he was a kid, and i think it messed him up in alot of ways.I noticed it took over so much of his emotions (i could tell that is a real sore spot with him) that it affects every area of his life. I was holding alot of his things at my apt (when he got locked up for a while), and i came across something interesting.For those of you that are not familiar with a "4th step", its for people that are in a recovery group (in his case n/a), and its where you make a list of people you resent or things you fear, issues and the reason, and how these people, events and things affected you....well i snooped and read everything. i wish i never did. One of the bizarre things i found was that when his dad left him and the family,i looked accross the paper to see which areas of his life that affected (such as emotional, financial,social,etc)--and one of the catagories he checked off was sexual! What?! That doesnt even make sence!Then i noticed also that he had listed sex as one of the many things he resents.For reasons why, he wrote"is my partner satisfied? am i satisfied?" Then jotted a note that porno is wrong.He's confusing. How could he swear up and down that he's in love with me, and insist that he desires me and that nothings wrong....yet continue to not be intimate with me after i told him how hurtful it is to our relationship and my self asteem, and---i took guesses.Why did he have to lie? I asked him, "Did prison change you? Did something happen in there?" "Do you just want to be friends with me, and failed to tell me?" "Do you not like regular sex because youve been doing porno for too long?" Everything was "no". So,eventually i had to just stop listening to his words, and only believe his behavior.I just was wondering "What if he never treated his ex's like this?" Or even the stupid "first love" that he always talked good about (that was hurtful).What if he never refused intimacy with her?! Just the thought of him being passionate about another woman, or even over those porno magazines makes me see red! He couldnt have made me feel more UNspecial if he tried. He was a pro at making me feel unvalued and insignificant. If i didnt find those porno mag, or see him flirt and react to a certain woman when we were new in our relationship,or have to hear about his perfect ex (and read about her in his 4th step that was only written a few yrs ago)......He's done quite a job on me.
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Lack of intellectual/emotional intimacy
The ex-Psych prof was withholding on an intellectual level. He fancied himself a philosopher. He claimed interest in Wittgenstein (still does)--but as soon as I showed interest in Wittgenstein, he'd suddenly lose interest. He'd change the subject. He loved "War and Peace." A NORMAL teacher would've tried to share it;he claimed that I was interested in it because it was HIS favorite book. He took drastic measures- my senior year, we read "Anna Karenina" instead of "War and Peace." He wanted ME to be upset;it was his intent. When I wasn't, he was floored;my classmates were pissed off, NOT me. When I showed interest in his home state of Massachusetts, he'd call it the "Land of Neurotic Puritans", claim he wasn't a "Massachusetts liberal", talk about how he was a dreary person because he was from a dreary place (Worcester) He was paranoid that if I went to Massachusetts, I'd be culling information from people who knew him. Having been to Massachusetts several times over the past few years, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT. The ex-P was incapable of intellectual intimacy. His circle of male disciples would say that he'd talk about philosophy with them instead of me (he was a philosophy major) because I'm... a woman.
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture
Yes and yes..sadly. Like he
Yes and yes..sadly. Like he was afraid to be hit or discovered, I don`t know, everytime..well I know I`m not the most sane person around but it`s sad, to be in love with a fake persona. It`s hard to accept, but I can only hope it will get better in time.
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
In reading through these
In reading through these stories...wow, what similarities. We had a LDR, so it was not often. But, he too said 'skills.' ''I have skills.'' WHO SAYS THIS? HAHAHAHA Someone who doesn't have skills. ;) I can't help but wonder...if they are secretly gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay--but be open about who you are. I can't help but wonder. Here's a list of head scratching things: *dislike of and need to put down women *controlling in bed--rough sex *into porn and views woman as sex objects *needs male approval...gets very upset when men criticize him *married multiple times *views men higher than women *didn't like that I could excite him over the phone...seemed uncomfortable *obsessed with anal (it never happened with me, but he asked and asked and asked) I MEAN OBSESSED. Not saying the above characteristics determine the make up of a gay person. They determine the make up of someone who is trying to hide it.
heritage
heritage's picture
deidre Similiar
All he talked about was anal but I told him it would never happen with me. He told me he had it with old gf and I shopuld try it, I might like it. In 2009 I was on my stomach on his bed and he was rubbing himself on my lower back and he shoved hinself into my rectum. It was excrutiating pain, it was totally against my will. He said it wss an accident. I believed him because I thought he loved me and knew how I was so against it. I have learned it was njo accident and have pressed charges. The prosecutor has not given a decision whether it is going to be prosecuted. After they spoke to him he claims "he doesn't remember it happening." I had gone to doctors afterwards because I was bleeding and sore. I didn't even have intercourse with him yet because I was waiting for my divorce to be final. Had oral only. It was rape and my sexual assault therapist brought me out of the dark. This was no accident. He is now back with old gf that he use to have anal with.
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture
I'm so glad you pressed
I'm so glad you pressed charges! I remember reading about that in an earlier post of yours and I got such a chill because an old boyfriend (not CharlieSheenWinning) came close to doing that to me once. It is NO accident. {{{hugs}}}
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture
Unbelievable
Every time I come here I cannot believe what I read. My mouth is just on the floor!! LOL!! Oh God yes yes yes. Every excuse, usually "we" are too tired - wake me up if you wake up. He never ever woke me up. We lived together for almost two years and I can honestly say he may have initiated it three times and they were usually when he was sort of asleep. One time he claimed he did not even remember us having sex. What a bunch of freaks. I see here that some of you in your pictures are freaking beautiful!!! this is so absurd to believe that all of you were not desirable. They are sick, controlling an manipulative. Never again. God - and the sex - it fccking sucked!!! He would just lay there. Would not touch me and when he did it was like he did not know how to touch me. Like his first sex experience or something. It was amazing yet he had bragged to me how he had threesomes in the past and wild orgie sex and blah blah blah. I could not for the life of me figure it out. How he didnt know how to touch me. God almighty - let me get over this freak.
veedoll
veedoll's picture
sAME HERE
NO FOREPLAY.. NO KISSING, NO TOUCHING. HE HAD EVEN STARTED NOT LIKING ME TO TOUCH HIM OR DO ORAL ON HIM.. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT FOR A MAN?? I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM MISSING THIS MAN... UGH! I GUESS I WAS THINKING THAT HE IS ONLY THAT WAY WITH ME.. BUT FOR SURE IT MUST BE THE SAME WITH EVERYONE... RIGHT???
really
really's picture
Mind did. He intentionally
Mind did. He intentionally played the game of making me want him, but without the possibility of letting me have him. It was the most agonizing thing he could have done.
Brooke1
Brooke1's picture
really
Yes mine did that too.He claimed it wasnt on purpose.ya right.He told me alot of his ex's fooled around on him.I never did, but he wouldve deserved it.
dabussard
dabussard's picture
Really
Mine was the same way towards the end! He knew that I wanted him and he would play along... Then we got into bed it was all about him... I would do him orally and he would fall asleep, while I was doing it... The next morning, he would give into me, but he would just lay there... It was a dead F*&K... Like he was not even there mentally... That is when I decided, screw him... I can have better with toys... But, in the beginning, it was amazing... Best sex I have ever experienced.... These guys are such jacknuts, I swear...
Shareebles
Shareebles's picture
Yupp
We joked about pornography once... and then i asked him, have you ever been into it? And he said yes..then i asked im if it was like, while we were currently together, and he said yes.... he'd do stuff to me, but when i offered to pleasure him hed say no unless it was his idea, and hed force me to do it. I never asked him about the porn again...I dont think i could handle the answer...or seeing him so embarrassed...now i wish i had.
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture
Yes
Out of the gate! The ref was throwing flags all over the field and I refused to see it. We found each other again, had breakfast on a Friday, I toured his powder coating factory and he was taking off to the windy city to move some stuff back to Ohio. See ya Sunday baby Ok, COOL! Here is Sunday...I've been waiting since October to get this baby off the ground....Made a nice dinner, wine, etc.... First night we we tried to consummate...he drove 6 hrs back from Chicago. He couldn't maintain an erection and then said he was too tired. He went on to criticize my skills saying that some of my "skills" were too intense and I gave him an intense headache. He was always tired. Or couldn't maintain an erection. And he had to eat aspirin before attempted SEX. OMG. I had to ask my ex husband if I was that freaking monstrous. (He said no) Even in bed, sleeping with him, if I were to touch hin in the middle of the night, caress him, it would drive him crazy. He hated a light touch. Any kind of KIND touch. Anyone I had ever been with said my touches and caresses were soothing. I would do it not thinking, in the middle of the night and it would wake him up and he would get mad. Jump up, pin my arm down and roll over. Or hand if I massaged his arm. I almost wonder if he was abused.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache