Did your N sign the divorce papers willingly? Was he abusive during this time

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#1 Sep 25 - 3PM

KeshaN

Did your N sign the divorce papers willingly? Was he abusive during this time

i can't help it. All of the abuse i went through with him I have never felt so hurt abused my entire life. I filed for divorce this past Thursday and I am absolutely horrified of how he will respond to it. Will he sign the papers? Will he become even more abusive?

I am not sure if he wants a divorce or not.I don't know what the hell he is thinking. We have been in NC for the last 2 weeks and this is actually upsetting to him. It has been really peaceful and we contact through my mother. Last week he sent my mother and I text messages saying how he thinks us contacting through my mother is so stupid and that he feels really played. He said that if we are getting a divorce we need to stop dragging it out and that he'll pay half on it but then at the end of it he says that I am still his wife but I ain't thinking about him and he is willing to work things out whether we are together or not.

Now yesterday my mom told him that we had something we needed to send to him and that he needs to be there when we send it and she asked for an address to send it to. He refused to answer but later said he was in Texas til JAN...weird.

This morning he text me saying that if I am trying to send him his kids then I should continue doing me. Did he really think I was talking about sending him his kids? No never. It sounds crazy. I then told him that i was trying to send him divorce papers but he never responded.

Did your N sign the papers without any problems or drama?

#2 Sep 27 - 10AM

mmp526

My stbx left me last

My stbx left me last December, and moved in with the OW in another state in May (after moving 5 other times inbetween). He left his house, which foreclosed last week. I sent him papers in April asking for a divorce. We have been going back and forth for months. (we have no kids or property together- this should be a quick divorce). I last replied in August and we are STILL waiting for his reply....he is dragging his feet and I dont know why. Last night a friend told me- what if he's dragging his feet because he knows once it's over, then he has to fully commit to this new OW, and he's not ready to do that? But- wouldnt you think this OW would want him divorced ASAP? I just dont get it. It makes it difficult to fully move on when we are still tied together by marriage- but I'm trying.

#3 Sep 27 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

mystwoman

It makes a kind of twisted

It makes a kind of twisted narc sense that he'd drag his feet so that he doesn't have to commit to OW, and I'm pretty sure she probably does want him divorced ASAP. Narcs love to keep former supply in the picture as a potential backup in case the new supply doesn't work out. Your friend is exactly correct that when he finally gets divorced, he would be expected to fully commit to OW. Delaying the divorce keeps HIM off the hook. A narc only thinks about himself. He couldn't give flying crap about what it's doing to either you or OW. The narc is only worried about what HE wants AT THE MOMENT. When xnh left his first wife, and started a relationship with me, he told me he was legally separated from her. However, he was still living in their same house for several months after he "dumped" her (pleading the "pity party" that he couldn't "afford to move anywhere"). I didn't realize it at the time, but xnh had dumped her, thrown her out of her own bed (and made her sleep on the couch) while he lounged around in the king-sized water bed mooching off her for several months. What a complete turd! Chivalry is definitely dead in xnh. lol. So the "story" goes anyway. At this point, I believe nothing xnh has ever told me. He is SUCH a pathological liar. However, this is one of the major stories that "inspired" me to throw xnh out of my house, and divorce him so quickly when it became my turn to get dumped. Xnh literally D&D'd me, and then asked (in the next sentence) how long he could stay in the my house with me. I told xnh 15 minutes max to pack his duffel bag, and then he was getting OUT. Anyway, after a few months of sponging off his first ex-wife (and with me threatening to end it with him forever if he didn't move out of her house), xnh finally moved into a friend's bedroom, where he mooched off the friend for about a year. During all of this time xnh was dragging his feet about finalizing the divorce from his first wife. I'm convinced that he (like your xn) didn't want to end it with her completely, because *I* expected him to commit fully to me. Xnh dragged out this garbage for a YEAR until the friend finally threw xnh out of his bedroom. Xnh then had nowhere to live, and I was being quite forceful, by this time, about him getting rid of his first wife, if he was going to have any relationship with me. Xnh basically was forced to either "shit or get off the pot" because his walking both sides of the "noncommittal fence" was OVER. He then bought a cheap mobile home for himself and his two daughters, and finalized the divorce with his first wife. However, looking back, I have absolutely no doubt that xnh would have this dragged this b.s. out forever, if he could have gotten away with it. What a feeling of control for him! Jerk. Is there any way you can process the divorce papers without the narc? I know in my divorce from xnh, I pushed the divorce all the way through the court system without xnh being involved at all. I guess this will partially depend on the divorce laws in the area you live. You might want to talk to your lawyer about this. Xnh didn't even know our divorce was final until his papers showed up in his mailbox. If you could possibly process the divorce through without the narc, let him drag his feet all he wants. You'd be divorced from him. :) Huge hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#4 Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

KeshaN

I think they like doing

I think they like doing anything and everything that they know we do or don't want them to do. I swear anytime I want him to do something he doesn't and every time I act as if I don't care or I don't want him to do something he does it. They love irritating us and not giving us what we want. It is like a form of control to hold the divorce process up. I know in the past anytime I wanted him to do something he'd use it to control me. I can hear him now saying "Im not signing shit unless you....." Since I learned about PDs I pretty much know what to expect half of the time. He'll sign the papers once he sees that I don't give a damn whether he does or doesn't. As long as I pressure him about it or he knows its really pissing me off that he is dragging it he'll continue dragging it in great pleasure of pissing me off and controlling my life. The divorce is the last bit of control they have over us. They love to feel that we are trapped and only they can do something about it.

#5 Sep 27 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

Non-committal

That explains why the ex-Psych prof (who lives in New Mexico) threw a total rage when I congratulated him on being engaged to his live-in girlfriend (now wife of a decade) That would've meant COMMITMENT. He wanted me around so he could dangle her and I, string us both along, until Nature intervened and forced him to make a decision. She had moved all the way from LA to Santa Fe to be with him, a BIG sacrifice on her part- and he was hoovering me like CRAZY. Perhaps the ex-P wasn't engaged at all, I was imposing my NORMAL thinking onto him. He did accuse me of imposing myself&personal boundary violation when I congratulated him. All I know was that he got her pregnant around the time I skipped town, doing the disappearing act. He married her after she gave birth-so it was a shotgun wedding of sorts. With so many unmarried couples raising kids these days (there was a colleague much older than him who had a live-in girlfriend, they were both elderly), it sounds almost quaint. But it was all about image. Marriage requires COMMITMENT. Childbearing requires COMMITMENT. That's why Ns/Ps can't stand those, yet will use them for the sake of looking normal. I've been reading the ex-P's favorite novel, "War and Peace",and the leads Pierre&Natasha don't make plans for the future, tho they are supposedly enlightened by their experiences during the war. They end up getting married&having kids, but it's not because they made future plans. The ex-P would brag about being indecisive about women, how that made him like Pierre in "War and Peace." Unfortunately, I wasn't afraid to use ultimatums. I guess when I told the ex-P to go be happy with his girlfriend, I was issuing a command. Towards the end, after the final D&D and meeting his girlfriend, I wasn't afraid to give him orders&commands. If I were to hypothetically break NC, I would tell the ex-P that he&his wife had been together for a decade because I KNEW they were inherently compatible, that *I* was right all along.. okay, that would be a weird anniversary card. "Happy 10th anniversary! I told you so."

#6 Sep 27 - 3PM (Reply to #14)

KeshaN

Omg I hate that we have to go

Omg I hate that we have to go through this. It was hard enough being with them now we have to have a hard time being done with them? I don't believe my n has another woman he is serious about so I don't know why the wait and why he is dragging on it. He claimed he had another woman who he is not in a relationship with because she is waiting on him to divorce. So I thought he make this all so very easy. I have tried to find out his address but he won't tell me then when i find out he lives with his father and told him the divorce papers are coming he's saying that he doesn't trust me and is going over a friends house. He didn't even tell me this he sent me a text message that appeared to have been meant for someone else talking about me.

#7 Sep 27 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

mmp526

At this rate it will take as

At this rate it will take as long to get divorced as we were married! Mine refuses to tell my attorney his adrress (lives in the OW's house in a different state) but I already figured it out. I dont understand the secrecy either- it's not like I'm going to go there! I'm on strict NC- I dont even read his egotistical blog because I simply dont care. I also refuse to talk with his daughter who reached out to me- because she's too connected to him. I just want this all to GO AWAY.

#8 Sep 26 - 6PM

mystwoman

Well, xnh was ALWAYS all

Well, xnh was ALWAYS all about drama, so his being dramatic wouldn't have really been anything different. Most of his abusive behavior was during our relationship (not that he wouldn't have been abusive during the divorce as well, but I simply would not let him anywhere near me). lol. The only way I would communicate with xnh was using email, and I only responded to business messages about the divorce/dividing property. He was forever trying to interject personal digs, etc. into the messages trying to bait me into yet another argument. I ignored them all because I was DONE fighting about anything with xnh forever. In the case of our divorce, he came home from cheating, dumped me, and I filed for divorce the next morning. I was seriously DONE with his years of crap. I actually think xnh was shocked that I would retain a lawyer that quickly. Mostly what xnh was throwing a fit about, after the D&D, was that I would not let him back into the house with me, and admit that everything in our relationship was all MY fault. Xnh had to stay in a hotel and in a friend's bedroom for about three weeks until an apartment came available. Naturally, there was a huge swirling sh*t storm of "poor, poor, pitiful little me" happening continually around xnh, including the story about how his hideous wife (me) had thrown him out of the house for NO REASON. Personally, I don't exactly call xnh's abusing me for years, cheating, and dumping me "NO REASON", but whatever. :) Anyway, while xnh was throwing his childish temper fits about what a "little victim" he was, and NOT retaining a lawyer, the divorce papers were already proceeding through the court system. Never having shared accounts with xnh made the divorce go a lot easier (I've known from the beginning that xnh is a true financial idiot - he's scary bad with credit cards). In addition, I also never had any children with xnh. I managed to skate out of the marriage with an uncontested divorce, none of his many, many bills, and I kept full possession of my house (which I owned before I'd ever met xnh), the vast majority of the furniture, and my car. Just like in that old zombie movie, 28 Days Later, I was divorced from the monster. By the time, xnh started adjusting to the idea that I actually had filed for divorce against "wonderful him", the divorce was final and the lawyer had sent him his copies of the papers. Xnh didn't even get to remove anything from my house until after the divorce was completely final. Then he had a list of what the judge said he could take, and I was standing there with friends making sure that the items on the list were ALL he took. I actually consider myself extremely fortunate to have gotten out my relationship/marriage of 16-years to xnh as quickly as I did, and mostly financially undamaged by xnh's wild spending habits. I do sincerely think that if the divorce process had taken much longer than it did, xnh would have started being a royal turd about everything he could think of. That IS his natural way. I was merely lucky enough to get the divorce finalized before he came out of the shock that I was REALLY done with his Narc-Holiness. It was probably the one (and only) time I actually "one-upped" the narc. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#9 Sep 26 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

Redhead1

Wow Mystwoman. I could have

Wow Mystwoman. I could have wrote your story but with 20 years. I also feel like me actually divorcing him was the only one-up I got.

#10 Sep 25 - 9PM

Redhead1

They are some messed up

They are some messed up freaks. Mine wanted a divorce until OW dumped his ass. Never let him convince you "he is doing what is good for you and the kids". He is worried about nobody but his own sorry self. Do whatever is good for you and your kids. Stay strong and question everything he tells you. By that I mean, how is what he is saying gonna make him come out on top. Thats all he is worried about. HUGS

#11 Sep 25 - 7PM

victimnomore

Kesha

The psycho that I am still married to filed for divorce in March 2011. He talked me out of 2 divorces prior to this. I want this divorce so bad and I have done everything that I am suppose to do. Guess what? He is dragging his feet now and I have no idea why. I have been NC for over a year now. I made sure that He never see me or talk to me Via text, phone, e-mail or by proxy. He is not a factor in my life at all. He is being spiteful and for someone who filed for divorce and can't wait to be done with me he isn't doing anything and my lawyer is getting frustrated. Can you imagine how I feel. Just brace yourself for a fight. I will be praying for you and me. They are just plain crazy! LOL!

victimnomore

#12 Sep 26 - 3AM (Reply to #7)

KeshaN

Omg really. That is so

Omg really. That is so pathetic. Its like your ex is dragging it alone to irritate you or something. Most people would want to go ahead and get it out of the way so they can move on. He filed it but now he is the one who is dragging it out. So pathetic and so PD. Maybe when he filed he didn't think you would really sign them and thought you'd beg him to stay? I hope my husband doesn't do this but for some reason I feel that he is going to drag it out too. I know he is not in Texas. Thats total b.s. He is going to dodge those papers for sure. Don't understand why they do this. Its like they feel they will control us or they hate the thought of giving us something that we want.

#13 Sep 26 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

victimnomore

Kesha My Mother

My mother has the same explanation as you. She swears that he thought that I would call him and beg him to come back home and not divorce me. He underestimated me. By the time he filed for divorce I was so ready to be rid of him and I went straight to a lawyer the next business day. Whatever his reasons for dragging his feet I pray that he just change his mind and sign the papers. I have him on child support and spousal support already I'm just trying to get alimony permanently with the divorce.

victimnomore

#14 Sep 27 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

KeshaN

i admire you for that. That

i admire you for that. That is exactly what he wanted. After I found out my NH cheated I was so mad but he told me he was done with me and found someone to make him happy. I told him "OK" and let him go. He was so mad about it. He kept throwing this other chick up in my face and I kept telling him "I am happy for you but I feel sorry for her." He then kept telling me he wanted a divorce and when I told him I would not be able to pay for it til Jan he was supposedly so pissed and told me it just couldn't wait. After 2 weeks he calls and we talk about getting back together and he confesses that he never wanted a divorce and that he just wanted me to fight for him. I was like PAAALEEEAASEEE! I wouldn't dare fight for an asswhipe like him. After thinking about it and another situation of pure abuse I got up and filed before I had a chance to doubt my decision and i also initiated no contact so I wouldn't change my mind too. Now like i thought he is dodging the papers. He told me he would never be home and that he doesn't trust me. BS.

#15 Sep 25 - 4PM

agnesmurphy17

lawyer

I hope you have an excellent divorce lawyer. And maybe your lawyer should be contacting the N (not mom). Divorcing a N is a harrowing experience. He will cheat you & destroy you. If you got little or no material possessions to divide, then he may not sign because there's nothing in it for him but to irk you by refusing to sign. He may resist signing because then the child support will become a court order. If he fails to pay, then he can have some serious legal issues. Some try to get the kids in the divorce (saying mom is nuts) so as to NOT pay child support. My N talked about NOT wanting a divorce. But he started with a NW the day I left & told her he wanted a divorce ASAP. And they were engaged to be married. But in the reality of our divorce, he did much to hold up the process causing it to take twice as long as necessary. One cannot fathom the layers a psychopath can operate. Different stories & scams running simultaneously. This is why they "compartmentalize." The line about sending the kids was passive aggressive. He was insulting you. But, be careful that he doesn't make a grab for them so as to not pay child support. Did he mention the kids as an opening into trying to get them himself? This is what a pathological might do. I hope you have an excellent lawyer.

#16 Sep 26 - 3AM (Reply to #5)

KeshaN

I already have him on child

I already have him on child support and I am the legal custodial parent. i was able to do this a while back because we did not live together and in TN if we don't live together then he can be put on child support. So that is a done deal. I do not put much pass him. I think he will try to dig up as much as he can to try to screw me over. He has already told me before that if we divorce he will tear me apart in court. I don't see how, though, but I am not a N so maybe that is why. We have nothing to divide at all. I put my car in my mothers name so he couldn't take it and I live with my bf. I don't know what he can do. I have a confession in email of him admitting to cheating on me. I have been the primary caregiver every since our kids birth and he hasn't seen them in months. He has told me that he does not want custody of our children and I believe him. He is too selfish to want that kind of responsibility. I know he is pissed about being on back pay for our children. We were separated for a year and I had no help so I put him on child support and when our court date came he didn't show so the judge put him on back pay for that entire year and set his payments at a default amount of 600 a month which messed up his credit 600 x 12 in back pay. It was his own fault for not showing up but he blames me for it and everyone thinks i am so wrong but i needed some help financially and he would not help me at all during the time. I don't understand how he was insulting me about the kids thing. I just don't get him.

#17 Sep 25 - 4PM

Swan

divorce papers

I initiated the divorce. Then he tried to get me back, then he resigned to the fact that that ain't happenin'. So then he was all like "I was miserable in this marriage and I want a divorce too" (yeah, right. You weren't miserable. You ARE miserable. You were very happy torturing me and was blindsided when I left your Narc @ss. He didn't see it coming) So, Mr.I Want A Divorce Because I Was Miserable In Our Marriage, why are you doing everything humanly possible to stall this divorce? EVERYTHING is held up by him at every junction. Right now its at a complete standstill. His last ditch effort at controlling me. K, You should listen to Lisa's radioblog on divorcing the Narc.

#18 Sep 25 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Sunafterrain

Swan

I hope things get closed for you soon. My ex and his now ex wife divorced, but she wanted it so bad, she even agreed to joint custody of the children. i wonder if she regrets it now. he just wanted to keep control over her through the children and torture her through his new marriage....again through the children, plus he wanted custody of his son. I'm so glad I'm not HER. I feel for all of you stuck divorcing one of these predators.

#19 Sep 25 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Swan

biggest mistake of my life

was marrying him...or maybe it was agreeing to go on a second date with him! Either way, he was my biggest mistake. BY FAR. Now its just so damn difficult to extricate myself from his clenches. If he hates me so much, why doesn't he just let go and be rid of me no matter what it takes??? Control. That's what its all about. Never was about anything else.

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