Did your N ever tell you he loved you?

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#1 Oct 28 - 2AM
ifinallygotit
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Did your N ever tell you he loved you?

Mine rarely did over the ten years - maybe in throes of passion it slipped out once or twice

I would always tell him I loved him and he would say he did too but never once volunteered it. Sometimes he even went silent when I said it.

He acted loving towards me most of the time and i would ask him why don't you ever tell me you love me? He always said "because you already know I do"

I heard him tell his kids he loved them so he knew it was important to say to loved ones.
He never wanted to give me this comfort and security - to really feel loved.

did yours deprive you of the words, I love you?

Oct 30 - 7PM
Belinda
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Hello :) (Couldn't resist

Hello :) (Couldn't resist posting this memory) After I was fast asleep several times I was awoken by him giving me lots of little kisses and whispering in my ear, "I love you, I love you, I love you so much" Weird cause he never would tell me that when I was conscious. Weird behaviour cause he is psycho... ps. In morning I would ask him why he'd do that when I was sleeping and he would deny that it even occured. Belinda
Oct 30 - 2PM
ValiditySeeker
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He said the words, yes

The first time he said it, he did something ridiculously cruel ten minutes later. They're acting. They say what they think they should say but haven't got the ability to actuay feel the emotion behind it. Words are meaningless.
Oct 30 - 5AM
ekat
ekat's picture

He said it to me a lot, but

He said it to me a lot, but his actions never really followed. I so much wish he hadn't said it so much and had acted like he loved me instead. The effect of those words were just that of keeping me out of balance. He would act really mean then say them, so instead of seeing that he had acted mean, I would think: "he didn't really mean it, he loves me". This 1st week of NC, he just sent me one text, shifting the blame of the break up onto me (because according to him I do not want to move past our problems - I need to talk about them before moving on, but he won't let me, so they just stay stuck as frustrations) and signing off saying: you are the love of my life, I love you more than anything else. And, yes, he's done that a million times, but it still makes me doublt myself, it still makes me think, he does love me and I am an awful person not to see it..
Oct 30 - 5AM
Gaia
Gaia's picture

They love you..

about as much as they love a splinter in their ass. I heard the words I love you, a bizzilion and one times, but it meant nothing, when the ACTIONS of hate came. And then the I love yous again, and then the PROJECTIONS OF HATE. Total head spin. Total unrequitted love twisted with ghastly hate. Its a ride you didnt even know you signed up for. If your XN didnt say I love you, take it as an actual TRUTH for once in their lives. Sometimes I guess they can be honest in their cold, callous, prick kind of ways. Real love will find you!! SG
Oct 29 - 1AM
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes

But pretty much as you defined the "I love you" from your ex...infrequently and almost never without hearing it first...they forget to say it and it's also something that makes them vulnerable...even if they do feel it, it's very uncomfortable for them to say it. I do believe he did love me; as much as possible for someone like him. But it's not even close to being good enough for me. I accepted those crumbs THEN. I won't now.
Oct 28 - 11PM
ifinallygotit
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thanks this is interesting to read their responses

ExN seemed wooden and strangely quiet when I would say I love you - he was such a dichotomy of weirdness and very affectionate and would just stare at me like a child - I know I was nuts to put up with him for so long but he had a super sweet side that I fell for. When I googled him I read that one reason he was recruited for his high paid high profile profession was because of his amazing friendly personality This man would often sit in the dark, smoke pot, stew, not speak, only watch TV and treat me like a dog. However, this was also when he had lost all his money and fame... well not getting the attention he was used to - love from a nice GF was not as important to him as fans!
Oct 28 - 9PM
tresor2
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yes, over and over but,

I think to him, "I love you" means "fuck you." He was the type that would stick the dagger in your back and tell you that he loves you while he's doing it. His words said "I love you" and his actions said "fuck you."
Oct 30 - 5AM (Reply to #30)
Gaia
Gaia's picture

tresor2

HAHAH!! Know what,I recall..he said I love you and fuck you all in the same coversation! What a twisted piece of nutbag.
Oct 28 - 8PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

He told it to me often. He

He told it to me often. He also told it to scads of other women. He was married several times...so he was telling women he loved them left and right. At the end of the day. They don't know how to truly love. Love is about sacrifice...sharing...wanting the best for the other. They don't know how to do that. And so when they say I love you, it's really just a fake meaningless nothing phrase to lure people into their web of deceit, that awaits.
Oct 28 - 8PM
Amiee
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HA!

Mine never volunteered to say he loved me but he would occasionally, especially when he was drunk. I do think he loved me as much as he could because I was an excellent enabler. The only time he offered it first was the night he tried to "woo" me back. He told me he loved me and didn't realize how much until he lost me, he even got moist eyes...Then I confronted him with myknowledge of JoAnne, the bed and breakfast in Vermont; Pamela in Danbury CT, etc and all his lies. He responded with "I think I am falling out of love with you. I don't like your attitude.." Fucker seriously, what a piece of work! PS when he had his first hook up with Pamela in August, he sent me flowers, a stuffed toy and a recording tell me how lucky he was to have me in his life...always gifts when he screwed around. Guilty conscience or manipulation..POS
Oct 28 - 8PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Never

The ex-Psych tried to love bomb me early on... but it always idealization. He'd compare me to Sofia Tolstoy (the wife of his idol, Leo) as well as Natasha, Maria, Lisa, and Helene (they're fictional characters in "War and Peace") I NEVER heard him say "I love you"-even when he tried to coerce me into marrying him-when I barely knew him. He thought that because he was 15 years my senior (Leo was 16 years older than Sofia when he married her, he was 34, she was 18) that we'd have a weeklong engagement like the Tolstoys. He'd compare himself to Paul Wittgenstein (the pianist brother of the famous philosopher Ludwig) who impregnated his much younger, half-blind female student at her first piano lesson (Paul married her after she gave birth to a second child) He wanted to rush me into marriage my freshman year. When I told the ex-P I loved him my senior year, I got a brutal, cruel D&D... also found out about his girlfriend (now his wife of a decade) He'd be raging at me publicly, I'd be weeping. MOST Ns/Ps keep their brutal D&Ds private, behind closed doors. Guess he wanted to be like Leo Tolstoy, who cruelly D&D'd his wife&family in his final days.
Oct 29 - 6PM (Reply to #26)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Coming to think of it...

On top of not acknowledging his girlfriend (now wife's) existence, he NEVER said he loved her. MOST Ns/Ps tend to flaunt how much they love their new partners, post it all over Facebook, an ex-Narc will typically say "I LOVE her" during the honeymoon phase (and especially to rub it in their victim's face) Even after I met his girlfriend, he NEVER said he loved her. He acted as if I were an intrusive snoop. He claimed my desire for him&his girlfriend a happy engagement was imposing on him&violating his personal boundaries. I didn't see him fake happiness with her... maybe it's because he knew he couldn't trick me anymore. In some perverse way, the fact he NEVER said he loved her-his future wife&mother of his children- was some way to stymie me from getting closure. I remember telling him that by wishing him&his girlfriend well, that was *MY* way of moving on, I even repeated what he said back to him "YOU wanted me to move on." (by then it was my way or the highway) He's not one of those Narc who spreads his passion for his latest love all over Facebook... it's not there. If he wanted people to think of him "JUST as a teacher"-in some twisted way, he succeeded. I was baffled, hurt, and confused at his enraged reaction to my well-wishing. I even said "I'd rather you be happy with her than unhappy with me." Those were MY words. All I got was "don't think about me! focus on yourself."
Oct 28 - 8PM
Victim-no-more
Victim-no-more's picture

Mine would only say it as a

Mine would only say it as a response to my telling him I loved him. The only time he has ever said it on his own was 5 days into my first attempt at NC during a week long hoovering period. It was like a last resort for him. I bet he wishes he could take it back now, seeing as I didn't fall for it and go running back.
Oct 28 - 7PM
aceonelady
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He did tell me

He loved me ,at least 3,4 times a day...we were daily on Skype,and also he did send me gmails professing his love for me...is just unbeliavable...he did wrote poems for me,all this stuff lasted 2 years...then suddenly BOEM...over...then i was old,gross and he told me he never loved me was just infatuation...

Aceonelady

Oct 28 - 4PM
mmp526
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Mine told me he loved me the

Mine told me he loved me the day he met me, and constantly told me he loved me, even the day before he left me. Yep, just words.
Oct 28 - 3PM
faith999
faith999's picture

Hmmm.... you made me think

Hmmmm.... you made me think finallygotit. He always told his children and family members he loved them. Every phone call was ended with those words. As for telling me ,it took over a year,closer to two to say it. He told me he couldn't stand when his past girlfriends would say it all the time. He trained me well,I hardly ever said it to him. Once he said it I probably didn't hear it again for six months. He would occasionally text it to me when we were out having a drink TOGETHER or having dinner. Oh my,this man was in his late forties when I met him. When I think back at it now it is so utterly absurd. Think about it..these men are all about control and avoid intimacy at all costs but really they are frightened children. UUUGH feeling love for me and too afraid to say the words so he texts them while I am across the table. What the hell was I thinking!!! LOL
Oct 28 - 2PM
needing2know
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I always got love ya too ,

I always got love ya too , but he never said he loved me, never heard I love you, just love ya too, and he never said it first , most of the time when I told him I loved him he just grinned, he will even say it that way to his kids, just love ya too
Oct 28 - 1PM
BlueMist
BlueMist's picture

Oh ladies...

....seems I am the only one who never got an ''I love you''...He only gave me the puppy eyes, the longing look, the warm hug, the blank stare every time I said it. Oh, I forgot the ''I am not that type to talk about my feelings, why you put me through this????''
Oct 28 - 12PM
rosedewittbukater
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"I love ya"

Yes...in the beginning she would say this fairly often. Then, once the mask starting "slipping" less and less. Then it became "I love ya" I think most everyone here knows the difference between "I love you" and 'I love YA". I don't think I need to explain it :) Then, at the end she refused to say it. I would say it to her, and she would just sit there with a stone face. I told her I needed to hear "the words" and her reply was "well if I am forced to say it then it doesn't have any meaning" or "it doesn't feel natural". WTF
Oct 28 - 11AM
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture

Mine took a year to

Mine took a year to say....actually in a card on my birthday..... I know he "felt" it before that....Let me take that back....he knew he "should" have said it before that but of course if you can't feel anything then how do they know??? Right???????? After that he said it ALL the time.....Once we broke up he made a comment that he said it more to me than anybody else....as if to say "Why did my luring loving words not keep you???? " Something to REALLY THINK ABOUT......
Oct 28 - 11AM
Joy2me
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Yes, many many times. He loved me with all his heart and soul.

He just forgot to tell that his heart and soul we only in his mind! He has no soul, maybe a heart. But it is not full of good things. Just words he obviously learned he needed to say within a relationship and marriage. They obviously meant nothing, like court documents not worth the paper they written on. Joy2me
Oct 28 - 11AM
ordinarycourage
ordinarycourage's picture

those three little words

I will say less than a handful of times over our 20 year relationship. Funny thing is he could write the words on a card....like he knew he had to. He also says this to our daughters - who knows why because most of the time his actions do not match those words. I think it was just another weapon he could use - Oh, you want love and I won't give it to you. Ha!
Oct 28 - 10AM
TNR1
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I have 2 text messages where

I have 2 text messages where the words I love you were used...followed by "just continue to do your role sweetheart and satisfy my needs". Oh yes ladies...you too can have a man who treats you like a human blow up doll.
Oct 28 - 10AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Gosh my exN is the only who

Gosh my exN is the only who couldnt even mimic this 3 words! He is so rigid!
Oct 28 - 9AM
Emma
Emma's picture

Mine told me he loved me

Mine told me he loved me first, after about two months dating. After that he said it a few times, or after I'd say it, but it never felt from the heart.
Oct 28 - 9AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

ifinallygotit

mine would say I love you after I said I love you but it felt hollow, like you are suppose to say that, words he picked up; he would say I love you after his phone conversations with his children, but it was kinda like an alien trying to figure out what words to say to appear human..........
Oct 28 - 9AM
bumblebee
bumblebee's picture

ifinallygotit

Mine rarely did either. When he was drunk after about three months of dating, he couldn't stop telling me he loved me, then again the next day he did too. That was the only time he ever REALLY said it. Otherwise, it was "real love takes time to see each other in many different areas of life." Like he knows anything about real love!! And a few months ago (over a year since the last I love you), he said, "I think I might be in love with you." WTF?? And when he said it that last time, I just thought, "ya, sure you do..." in my head - haha.
Oct 28 - 9AM
meik11
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Mine told me all the time but

Mine told me all the time but only in a non-intimate, robotic, OMG she's gonna leave me, asshole narc kind of way...
Oct 28 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Mine called several times a

Mine called several times a day and always said " I love you" before he hung up.. What good did it do?? Just words :( Hunter
Oct 28 - 3AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Never

He said it once in our 3 years together and promptly took back that word. He said love is only between parents and child. So yes, he loved only mama dearest in his life. He can only afford "care" for others. He did try to take care of me during the years. But as with all NPD, the real essence of itimacy is not there, emotionally. He also will not go that extra mile i would do for him. He admitted he has a problem. Even if he eventually marry or have kids he will still go thru the same cycle of d&d. He cannot help it as he is disordered.