Did you feel this way with your ex?

25 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 9 - 11AM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Did you feel this way with your ex?

i don't know how many of you here have felt the way I Did when I was in the nightmare, I use to tell my friends this is the strangest relationship I was ever in, even thought we dated for 7 years, I felt LONELTY all the time, like i was single and had no one! Did any of you experience this kind of thing?

Sep 11 - 9PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Yes

and one of my friends made the statement she though xN wasn't a real person. She thought I made her up!!!Because she was never around. Talk about a light bulb moment
Sep 10 - 9AM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

This is an incredibly interesting

thread. I didn't live with my ex. I always wondered what it was like for his ex wife, because he always painted such pretty pictures of what he was doing for her and not for me. I read this stuff and I see the differences between those who were married to them and those that were not. I do think that when you're married to the jerk, the mask slips quicker once you're "captured"
Sep 10 - 8AM
MovingForward
MovingForward's picture

Lonely

I did not have this experience (lonliness)in my 11 year relationship. My CD is so bad at times I can hardly bare it. My N was with me 24/7 either in person or on the phone, We did move in together within the first 2 months. We went everywhere and did everything together, always happy and having fun. We didn't even go to a convienient store without each other. Yes, I look back and can see how I was being conned and manipulated. I do see now how all the fun and excitement was what "I" made it. MY MONEY ! She was so good at hiding her mask. The lies were so obvious, now anyways. My D&D's (2 of them) never lasted long. She would go from one day everything was fine, no problems, happy and fun to the next day of I dont love you or care anything about you, then she would leave - with NS of course. It was all so sudden and quick, it threw me off my feet. She wore her mask so intensly. Knowing she could never be alone and without supply, she had to make sure she had definant supply lined up before the mask slipped. I have no doubt she is a Narc/Psycho however, she is the best damn actress I have ever seen.
Sep 10 - 1AM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Yes, so very lonely.

My whole pregnancy I was alone. Every doctors appt, feeling the baby move, every ache and pain...alone. It was terribly sad for me. I felt so down about myself and my life. He was out dating and lying to me about it. How could he do that to me? He may never know what sadness and disappointment he brought to me.
Sep 9 - 10PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Loneliness

I've never felt alone with anyone as I did the ex-Psych prof. With my former Narc boss, we could at least talk about MUSIC. It gave us a connection. We'd talk about Yael Naim, who had hit it big with "New Soul." With my Narc grandmother, we're at least able to watch Food Network. But with the ex-P... common interests were ZERO. He ALWAYS had something negative to say about the lecture or concert. He freaked out when I got a copy of his favorite novel, "War and Peace"--he was so paranoid that he made sure that when I was a senior, we got "Anna Karenina" instead. When I brought up his favorite philosopher Wittgenstein, he'd either change the subject or give the silent treatment. He freaked out when I read an essay of his online, and was accused of violating his privacy. Narcs are able to use common interests. With the ex-Psych (as in psychopath) prof, he tried to make sure there were as few common interests as possible. He lost interest in St. Augustine's "Confessions" because I wrote my senior thesis on it. Intellectually and academically, I felt alone.
Sep 9 - 9PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Yup and yup

I remember driving the long drive to his place on my days off from work and sitting in a leather easy chair while he read his book, lying on the sofa and would say to myself what am I doing here, he just liked me as a piece of furniture and, oh yes, for screwing when he was horny.I really was an OBJECT to that man, no doubt in my mind............
Sep 9 - 6PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Definitely! I was more alone

Definitely! I was more alone when I was sitting next to my narc than I am on my own now.
Sep 9 - 2PM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

my ex didn't give a rats ass

my ex didn't give a rats ass if I was with him or not, even now.
Sep 9 - 2PM
lola_azul
lola_azul's picture

Totally!!!

I stuck around for two years hoping to see some changes b/c I was made believe that it was worth it. xN is a master manipulator and although I would break up with him weekly (do the math) he managed to lure me in with bs. Besides, I was blinded by his initial charm and was hanging on to him out of feeling lonely in a big city. When we were together (which was usually the weekends) it was great but as soon as I left his house, I dreaded the rest of the week b/c the emptiness was huge and it was a cycle that kept repeating over and over, week by week. Now I know why!! I was a secondary supply source and he would disconnect from me to secure his primary, which I believe are his parents, people from work, etc. During the week, he was constantly checking on me through blackberry messenger or email. Every day, text over text. No phone calls unless I did not reply to his texts right away. Then he would call me to find out what was wrong with me but now I believe that it was a panic mode that he entered into when I did not reply right away and he thought that I knew about his other women and needed to test the waters by calling me. Still when we spend the weekends together, I felt sad and lonely and after the initial night which was mostly being manic about spending time with him and following him around like a robot, doing what he wanted to do which was drinking and playing songs on the IPhone until I was exhausted and sleep deprived, 5, 6 or 7 in the morning. Sometimes the usual robotic, crappy sex session and then sleep to get up in the afternoon to eat and watch his games or shows on TV and me laying there watching my life and what I hope was a future with him just wasting away. Sometimes in the middle of the week, we would go to the movies or a restaurant but that was happening mostly at the end of the relationship when he knew he had already secured a new supplier and was going to discard me but like some of you said, we had fun together because I am fun to be with and he was projecting so he enjoyed going out with me. There were never plans for the future and if we did something amazing was because I planned it ahead, created the situation to go to concerts by buying the tickets in advance and kind of lured him into attending. There was always a sense of unpredictability with him and plans mostly happened last minute or late and I was supposed to just drop everything when he was ready (which I did). Just writing about this brings back so many bad memories of wasted time and grief!!! Now I know what it is that I am looking for in my partner and sadly, he was not it!!! Hang in there guys!! We are going to make it!!!!
Sep 11 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

funny, we've been living the

funny, we've been living the same life. that was my life for 5 years. constant text, facebook, email contact.. minimal phone contact as possible. he said he didn't call me every night because "every time i call you, you want to hang out and i don't want to be with you every night". but god forbid, I not answer a text, then i'm ignoring him or being a bitch. god forbid I want VERBAL communication & connection with another human being. the sad part is, i listened to him & thought "well he is right.. i get mad when he calls & doesn't want to see me. i'm the needy psycho" :/
Sep 11 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

funny, we've been living the

funny, we've been living the same life. that was my life for 5 years. constant text, facebook, email contact.. minimal phone contact as possible. he said he didn't call me every night because "every time i call you, you want to hang out and i don't want to be with you every night". but god forbid, I not answer a text, then i'm ignoring him or being a bitch. god forbid I want VERBAL communication & connection with another human being. the sad part is, i listened to him & thought "well he is right.. i get mad when he calls & doesn't want to see me. i'm the needy psycho" :/
Sep 9 - 11AM
iwanttoheal
iwanttoheal's picture

Yes

Yes, when I lived with him I felt SOOOO lonely. He would completely ignore me, he would not even look at me. This could last the entire day. He would walk right past me and not acknowledge me. If I complained about this, he would act mystified that this would bother me. He would tell me that I had a problem, that I was extremely 'needy'. On top of this, I was not allowed to work, have friends, or do anything outside of the house, and yet he would completely ignore me. I never understood it.
Sep 9 - 11AM
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Definately!

Our relationship was long distance. We only met up for a long weekend when HE decided that he wanted to see me. What I wanted or how much I missed him did not come into it. When we were together it was great. When we were apart (which was most of the time) I felt like I didn't have a boyfriend. He never phoned me to see how I was (even when I was having treatment in hospital). He only ever phoned to say he wanted me to come up at a moment's notice. If I confronted him then he would say "don't be silly, I think about you all the time, you're the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning and you're the last thing I think about before I go to bed at night". He knew all of the lines to convince me. This is definately a situation where you have to stop listening to what the person is telling you and look at their behaviour to get to the truth. In my case, his behaviour showed that it was a case of "out of sight, out of mind". When he did suddenly phone for me to go up there (which was about once every 3/4 weeks) it was not because he missed me, it was because he had a gap in his diary and wanted to avoid getting bored. It's much easier to see this in retrospect than it was at the time. xxx
Sep 10 - 2AM (Reply to #13)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

Me Too

My goodness!!! Your post is my story EXACTLY!!! Only it is not long distance...we live in the same suburb..I am married and he is living with someone...apart from that..pretty much the same. This man, has made me feel empty and lonely from the beggining. Maybe two weeks into it, I started to feel desperation and panic...abandoned. Thank you...I too am seeing it, I guess I always have, only now I am understanding and trying to accept what has happened. I feel horrible for betraying my husband and family( N pounced at a horrible time in my life...no excuse...just vulnerable and stupid on my part). But my husband is not like this, and for that I have learned a huge lesson. Timtam
Sep 9 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Nemesis

I could have written your blog word for word... Ewwwww... Only mine was not long distance.... I broke my leg and had horses to take care of and I could not walk... The N never checked to see how I was doing... He just went on to new supply... I could only see him if he wanted to see me first, Must be available at a moments notice. Stepping away from the relationship has given me the insight that if he really truely cared for me.. He would not have let me go weeks without wanting to see me... Like you said out of sight out of mind...
Sep 10 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Timtam and dabussard

It gives you a really eerie feeling when someone else's story sounds so similar to your own doesn't it. This has also happened to me when I have read the posts of others and it sends a chill down my spine. But there is one really positive thing about this: It highlights the fact that these people all follow a similar pattern of behaviour which, from now on, will raise alarm bells in us. With increased awareness our ability to recognise this pattern will guard us well against these type of people in the future. Yet another reason why sharing our stories on this forum is good for us as we are all helping each other to protect ourselves with our knowledge. xxx
Sep 11 - 7PM (Reply to #12)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

**Nemesis**

HI Nemesis, It certainly hits home when you read someone elses story, and it is the same as your own. I hope that your journey of healing is going well. I am still coming to terms with what has happened to me. I started to see a therapist and was made aware of N's. Since finding this site, every day I read and am discovering all these new terms and thinking MY GOD!!! Thats when he does that and when he does this. Hoovering and Silent treatment (does lots of that). It is sooooo hard, I know actions speak louder than words and that it is so obvious that this is all just empty and nothing meaningful, yet what the hell is the pull....I feel like an idiot, I know I should just forget him and ignore the next message when it comes, but I find myself longing the text...so pathetic!!! xxxx Timtam
Sep 9 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

needing2know

i felt like this in my marriage all the time, i used to think why do i feel so alone when i am not...i am married? but with narc i didnt get that feeling...but i think that is probley b/c i never lived with him and it was platonic...i think when you are in marriges or r/s with them...and they are then themselves,cos they have got you...they,then dont put any effort in to it.....just my view..
Sep 9 - 11AM
Miss_Jade
Miss_Jade's picture

ALL THE TIME!

For 3 years! I always wanted out everyday, but hed throw a pity party, get me hooked back in, and eventually go back to ignoring me in a few days. Thats a true narc for ya. Theyre not really good for anything in a relationship because they have no reason to pay attention to you unless it makes them look good or they need something. =)
Sep 9 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Miss Jade

Spot on! I was lonely all the time... My N would reel me in for a few days and then bam, cut me loose... My N used to call me clingy... Heck I would not see him for several weeks, and he expected me not to be clingy... "Theyre not really good for anything in a relationship because they have no reason to pay attention to you unless it makes them look good or they need something. =)" I could not agree more... With mine, it was showing off to his friends that he had a good girl on his arm... As far as needs, he wanted my money, farmland and sex... I loved the maraton sex all night long and then hated to see morning come because he always gave me the cold shoulder the next morning... Made me feel horrible about myself... Damn Jacknuts!!! Damn Jacknuts anyway!!!
Sep 9 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
Miss_Jade
Miss_Jade's picture

Yeah, that was a name he

Yeah, that was a name he liked to call me too, and i beleived it for a while. Its just them being full of shit saying that so they can have their cake and eat it too. It keeps you at a distance but hooked enough so that you dont leave completely. Thats exactly why they keep you hooked in. It makes him look good to have a woman thats actually worth her salt on his arm. Plus, if he was lucky enough to find a woman as good as you he knows he has to throw you a bone every now and then so he can keep you around and make sure he gets sex. He knows no other woman would want to knock boots with him and he knows that it wont be long before you wont want to anymore either. Im still suprised that men who are so unintelligent can pull this off. Lol.
Sep 9 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
needing2know
needing2know's picture

If I was lucky I only seen

If I was lucky I only seen him on weekends (because he takes care of his kids, sports etc) then I would see him everyday for a week straight in the summer when kids were out of school, but he would only call me maybe once a week! And the lonely other times I would hear from him , like you say is when he needed something.
Sep 9 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Miss_Jade
Miss_Jade's picture

YUP. Thats how it was at the

YUP. Thats how it was at the beginning of my relationship too. We only saw each other on the weekends, and his excuse was that we worked opposing shifts (which was bullshit) But after a while we upped it to *twice* a week. WOOO! Right? Sometimes hed call me when he needed someone to talk to...or when he was bored. Even then it was always a one sided conversation about something i didnt really give a shit about and if i changed the subject he would barely respond to what i said. There was always some personal motive. Who needs the arse? Now you have an oppertunity to find out more about yourself and actually meet a guy who doesnt want to crawl back into his mothers womb and be taken care of for the rest of his life. =)
Sep 9 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Don't know about you , but

Don't know about you , but our phone calls only lasted maybe 10 min. then he needed to get off, he couldn't stand talking on the phone for very long
Sep 9 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
Miss_Jade
Miss_Jade's picture

Oh, ours lasted at least an

Oh, ours lasted at least an hour or two. He could talk and talk and talk about family guy and video games all day if you let him. thats what a majority of our conversations were about. -.-