Did you exN "know you"

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#1 Dec 22 - 5PM

safyre99

Did you exN "know you"

I was wondering if any of you were told by your N or exN that they didn't really know you. When my exN broke up with me one of the reasons he said was because he felt he didn't really know me. At first I took the blame and kept thinking to myself that maybe he's right and I didn't open up enough or share a lot of things about myself. But, then I realized that he didn't make much of an effort to get to really know me... everything was about him. And, so many times when I tried to have conversations with him or tell him something he would either ignore what I said or just move on to a different topic. He couldn't seem to have back and forth, give and take type of conversations.

It really hurt me to think that after almost a year together I felt that I knew so much about him and his interests, etc. (or thought I did) but that he didn't care about what I liked or what I was interested in, or ask me questions, or try to get to really know me.

I know now that it's because he's incapable of taking an interest in someone other than himself.

#2 Dec 26 - 10PM

Susan32

I got it in reverse...

After the final D&D, the ex-Psych professor said that I was the one who didn't know the REAL HIM. And then said I didn't appreciate his masks. When I recounted how he had talked about his family, his personal disappointments, etc... he said something defensive about how he used those things to "look human." He said that I had projected my good qualities onto him, that my feelings for him were a diversion. What's bizarre is that I think he must've gotten onto a website about Narcs like this one (albeit a decade ago) and that he was quoting it during the final D&D. He never said he didn't know me. He did however underestimate me. He used to consider himself a philosopher, but last year he got a grant to give a lecture on literature. Go figure *shrugs*

#3 Dec 23 - 8PM

neverlookback

NO

No, he never really knew me. That is sad too because that is his loss

#4 Dec 23 - 6PM

blueeyes

Nope,

He didn't know me at all. He certainly under estimated my strength. His priceless look as the cops escorted him out of my home tells me so. The look on his face at the mental hospital when I answered the intake personnel like this "he doesn't know what's wrong with him, he never will its all part of being disorded, he isn't like us, normal! He is unable to conform to the man he pretended to be. Shoot lady, he didn't and still doesn't even know he pretends". He looked at me with shock on Dec 7th when all this happened. A man who knows me, wouldn't be shocked.

#5 Dec 23 - 7PM (Reply to #19)

Goldie

I know you like a book Goldie

That's what I used to hear all the time. Also, you will never leave me because you love me too much. You love me so much you will let me do whatever I want. We are meant to be together forever. I love what you said blueeyes: He under estimated my strength. He was screaming I love you Bebe as he was escorted out of the house by the police. When I found out through the grapevine that he was trying to screw me during his sentencing faze, I was just about done and then he bragged to his cellmates that he had cheated on me and never loved me and asked them to kill me for money, I found this all out from one of them who got released at the courthouse. The guy said that X made him sick bad mouthing me for 6 hours in the holding cell. Must have been pretty bad if it made another con sick. I was completely done after that and X was shocked when I showed up at court and gave the victim impact statement from hell. I told that judge everything single sick thing that he did and said to me, my family, and my home. You could have heard a pin drop in that courtroom and she sentenced his sorry, disgusting, self serving ass to 9 months and as I was leaving I looked him dead in the face and put my hand up to my head and made the LOSER sign to him twice as I was walking out of the courtroom. The entire audience saw me but the judge was writing something when I did it, I made sure she was not looking. So yes, I would say that the prick thought he knew me like a book but he did not know jack shit about the real me and how when you cross me too far and you screw with my home and my family, you are going to see someone you never knew and when I am done I am done. I don't change my mind once my heart is closed and it is closed to this piece of shit. I don't think they REALLY know anyone even if they say they do because they are too self absorbed to really know anyone. They know how to manipulate us but that is totally different than really knowing a person. How can a person with no soul know a person with a soul? God bless, Goldie

#6 Dec 23 - 8PM (Reply to #20)

blueeyes

Goldie???? lol!!!

I have guts but not enough to make the loser sign on my forehead! Lmao. Court scares the piss out of these macho men! Its funny really. Mine didn't show up! Good thing too, cuz he spared embarrasment of the voicenotes of him (that he didn't know I recorded). See, towards the end, I'd hit record on my cell phone and I had intimate to raging moments captured. He may still not know I have them. Unless the PO told him about court. They are chilling huh? I did get to see his pathetic ass at the hospital. No loser sign, just cold hard facts.

#7 Dec 23 - 11AM

Journey

Hard to read

Anyone even remotely close to me knows I have always been a fairly open book as far as my emotions go. Seldom have I hidden them to anyone I trust. Once at a party, when I was putting on a 'brave face' because we were at an 'off again' stage of our relationship, mine got jealous of me talking to a friend of his (I didn't know it at the time) and he pulled me aside to kiss me. Mine was never one for PDA, so I was thrilled he did that (I thought it meant he really did care - lol). Anyway, during this 'moment' he said "you are hard to read sometimes". I remember thinking that was so strange because NO ONE has ever thought I was hard to read (or ever had told me so), and all my close friends would say the opposite - but then again, none of those friends want to know me in order to manipulate and control me emotionally. Now I'm beginning to understand just how far his need for power and control over our situation really went. Journey on...

Journey on...

#8 Dec 23 - 10AM

michele115 (not verified)

Chilling memory

I was depressed for a number of reasons - at the time I did not realize he was depleting me - prior to that was burned out by some family stuff... The Narc actually said "I want to know all your triggers" I didn't think anything of it - but a warring angel must have flown down and put a gag order on my mouth... I never shared and towards the end it was kind of surreal? I didn't know about this disorder/narcissism but somehow I went on autpilot and systematically did things? I remember reading somewhere that one way to get rid of a narc is to lose your usefulness, become absent minded, sloppy etc...since I was already depressed that was happening easily... To save face, later on I sent him the article and told him it was all part of MY bigger plan...LOL -never let 'em see ya sweat!

#9 Dec 23 - 10AM

agnesmurphy17

Knowing You

Mine too said I didn't reveal enough. I was secretive. Why? He wanted to know more about me to use against me. If you are getting away, if they are losing control, they are trying to gather information so as to manipulate you better & to control you better. They prey on fears & sensitivities of the victim. Also, I agree, there is a level of projecting what they do onto. They are closed & reveal nothing of their lies & machinations. They project onto you. And then you aree that you are doing what they do. That's called projective identification. hard concept for me to grasp. But I had an ah ha moment.

#10 Dec 22 - 7PM

Deidre99

haha @ what michele

haha @ what michele said...yep! But...no, mine actually would say...I know you better than you know yourself. LOL! Maybe I didn't need to send the goodbye letter then...he already knew it was coming! lol The reality is, that these types of men just like to hurt women. Period. They enjoy it. They enjoy the game. The reaction. I sit here marveling that we all have such similar stories. The recent narc in my life...not capable of having a normal back and forth conversation. He would even send emails...how are the kids? How are you? And then, I'd reply back...and he would go silent for a day or two. Everytime, I have a twinge of missing him...I remember these moments, and that twinge goes away. I don't miss all that drama. I'm sorry you were hurt ...know that we care, and that we are here to help.

#11 Dec 22 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

safyre99

Thank you Deidre99!

Thank you Deidre99... I'm so grateful for this group and forum. It's helped me so much and I don't feel alone. I've told several friends about my realizing my exN is a narcissist but only someone who has been through it knows exactly what it feels like and can completely understand.

#12 Dec 22 - 7PM

michele115 (not verified)

Another ANGLE...

Projection... He didn't know himself... End of story... End of sentence. And if what we read is true...their emotional depth is about the same amount we'd have for toasters...so from their perspective - what is there to know?...of course, they will rather predictably project this lack of knowing and make it your fault? At this point, I've had a much better time attempting to bend myself into a pretzel...at least there are no mindgames and gaslighting involved and if I'm sucessful, perhaps I can make a living out of it and profit! I'm done thinking about him.

#13 Dec 22 - 7PM

tynk3377

did he know me?

no, not the tender, warm, willing to love him me... the get under my skin and know how to hurt me and torment me, me? YES N always said he knew me better than I knew myself. What that really meant was he knew how to play me, he knew how to hurt me, and he knew how to hoover me back in for more. Even then he failed to see that it took a very forgiving, loving, tender hearted woman to go back and be willing to stand by him yet again. I think what we saw as trying to make things work from an adult position, they simply saw as a weakness in us.

#14 Dec 22 - 6PM

mystwoman

Yes, xnh said this to me.

Yes, xnh said this to me. Of course, he really didn't make much effort to know me. He was too busy worrying about himself. When he dumped me for OW, and I filed for divorce, he acted all shocked and sent me an email asking me how I could just divorce him for "nothing". I wouldn't exactly call 16 years of his cheating and abuse "nothing" but that's apparently just my opinion. lol. When I told my family and friends about this, they ALL made the sane comment to me, "Didn't xnh know you at ALL?" No. Apparently not. I guess, since xnh is not even really in touch with his own true self, knowing the real person that *I* am is out of the question. To quote my sister, "Xnh DOES have a rich and full fantasy life."

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#15 Dec 22 - 5PM

Happy1

My exN doesn't know me

My exN doesn't know me because he didn't care to GET to know me. He talked about himself when he felt like talking. He never cared about me, my family, my job, my son. He only asked what he needed to ask so he could manipulate me. That's all. They only care about themselves and can go ON and ON and ON about their childhood and how funny they are at work, etc. I have a lot of anger tonight. sorry...hhahaha

#16 Dec 22 - 5PM

onwithmylife

Safyre

my EXnar did not really know "know"me, if you understand what I meant. He sort of knew bits and pieces of me but I never felt i was KNOWN and LOVED and CHERISHED for who I am, NEVER, because the world really did revolve around HIM and I was just a little star on the horizon..................

#17 Dec 22 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

StillHurting

We were so close for a few years or more

He should have known me if he'd been listening. I think he knows some things about me, but not anything deep enough that he could make an important decision based on his knowledge of me. I always found it odd that he never knew what to get for birthday or Christmas gifts when we had logged in hundreds of phone hours. I can always think of something to get him based on what I know of him. Also, sometimes by the things he tells me, that I wish he wouldn't, I feel he doesn't know me enough to know what will hurt....these things bother me.

#18 Dec 22 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

safyre99

That happened to me

That happened to me too on my birthday. He said he didn't know what to get me for my birthday because he didn't feel like he really knew me. And, we talked on the phone almost every day and saw each other at least a couple of times a week. And, it's funny, I had no problem coming up with gift ideas for him.

#19 Dec 23 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

Happy1

Mine had the same issue with

Mine had the same issue with gifts. He never new what to buy me but I always had great ideas for him. He doesn't have to worry about me this Christmas. I went and bought my own presents to myself and did a much better job than he ever could.

#20 Dec 22 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

Journey

Sure likes to think he did

Mine would talk as if he thought he knew me better than I know myself - arguing even that what he saw was the truth when I tried to correct him. Still Hurting, "Also, sometimes by the things he tells me, that I wish he wouldn't, I feel he doesn't know me enough to know what will hurt....these things bother me." That is exactly what first got me searching the internet for answers. He did know me well enough to know that I would be hurt by something he said/did, but said/did it anyway. That was my first real clue when the fog was lifting that he was not 'normal' because 'normal' people care more than that about someone they profess to love. Journey on...

Journey on...

#21 Dec 23 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

StillHurting

Yes, Journey....

It is all so strange. I am thankful I have come to the point where I don't want anything romantic ever again with this person. I just see him as sad and pathetic, and I can see him going down hill and getting stranger and stranger. Nobody will say anything to him about it but me because I care very much.

#22 Dec 23 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

fedup

Journey

"Mine would talk as if he thought he knew me better than I know myself - arguing even that what he saw was the truth when I tried to correct him."--quoting Journey **************************************** From what I've read, anyone who attempts to define you (instead of allowing you to speak for yourself) is in engaging in a controlling behavior. Patricia Evans , author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", also wrote a great book I read last year called, "Controlling People". (and no, it's not a how-to manual......... :0P) LOL She said that anyone attempting to define you, is also trying to define your reality---they're not capable of seeing you as an individual with thoughts/ideas/feelings of your own. Reading your quote there brought that to mind. even if someone isn't a full-fledged narc, that kind of controlling behavior is so toxic........ I've finally learned to chuckle at people who claim to know me better than I know myself.A good friend gave me a great comeback to use when someone insists they got me pegged... "I can see your mind is made up.....So, I won't confuse you with ..THE FACTS."

#23 Dec 23 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

Journey

Good one!

"I can see your mind is made up.....So, I won't confuse you with ..THE FACTS." - love it! I read Patricia Evans other books about verbal and emotional abuse years ago after a brief relationship with a textbook verbal abuser. At the time I thought THAT was hard to recover from, but this has been much worse. I never thought I'd let myself enter or remain in another abusive relationship - ever. I knew all about red flags to watch out for etc., but my narc was very good at disguising them and even the more obvious ones missed my radar. Mine had me so convinced of the illusion he was my friend and that his observations about me were spoken only with good intentions. There would sometimes be an ounce of truth in them, which is what let him get away with it, which is also why I didn't see how it was anything other than him trying to tell me things about myself that I should know and accept, or try to change 'for my own good'. And I always thought I had a hard time trusting people - ha! Journey on...

Journey on...

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