Did you discover things about your ex N after you broke up? (that you did not know while dating)

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#1 Aug 24 - 9AM
Deidre40
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Did you discover things about your ex N after you broke up? (that you did not know while dating)

Here’s a question. Did you find out AFTER the break up with your ex N…things that you never knew about him/her, while dating? Lol I knew he was a jerk, but didn’t know he was a liar. I found out things firsthand, and through the grapevine, that he lied to me about…AND apparently, I heard a few weeks ago that he’s lying to the present gf. Wonders never cease with these people. I feel for his new gf. It’s amazes me that they seem to always find women who trust them, implicitly. So, I was just curious if some of you found out ‘’more’’ horrible things about your ex’s…after you broke up…that you did not know while dating?

Sep 26 - 1AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

yes

I had no idea he was attracted to sleazy bleached, bad cosmetic surgery cheap bar hoes with bad bodies in cheap clothes! His other old GF's that I saw seemed attractive and smart, not trashy. I was shocked by his taste and not jealous! just totally shocked but I guess it makes sense to me now (lost his fame and money and then wanted to advertise he was back! Maybe hoes on FB impress the old buddies?). Nice way to find out your man has broken up with you after silent treatment - oh and then returned in love with me 10 months later - for a few days.
Sep 25 - 4PM
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Deidre

Yes.. I made a post about it today actually. I've been NC for 2 weeks and found out yesterday that while we were still "together" he had been coming onto an ex coworker of ours. Felt like ANOTHER knife through the heart..ugh.
Sep 20 - 3AM
Jazzman1
Jazzman1's picture

Oh, did I ever find out!

Oh, absolutely. After the break-up, he was heavily involved with the OW he had met on mate1.com, but he and I still owned a house together. I had to buy him out. Of course, I had to pay more than it was worth in order to get him out of my life. However, in the process, I discovered (1) he has a second social security number, (2) he had been involved in insider trading, (3) he purchased a car in another state and worked out a fraudulent deal where he became a resident of that state to avoid paying sales taxes in our state and (4) he had a 2-year affair with one of his former students. Then, to top it off, after 6 months, the OW contacted me and told me he had thrown her into a wall because she looked at the contacts (35 women) in his cell phone. This guy has a Ph.D. in finance and teaches college students. Oh, yes. It has been an eye-opening experience for me. I wonder if I am ever going to trust anyone ever again in my life.
Sep 25 - 6PM (Reply to #42)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Professor

Mine's a tenured professor at a catholic institution. I found out from the woman who replaced me that he watches hard core gay pornography on the internet (when he was too busy working to spend time with me, his wife). And I spoke to his ex-wife who also told me she thinks he's gay. I was clueless. But he really was not a good lover (although he thought he was hot stuff). I too learned of lies & deceits one cannot fathom. Mine is successful but still he uses women to subsidize his lifestyle. Lies about everything. Nothing he says is true. very creepy.
Sep 26 - 7PM (Reply to #43)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Dear agnesmurphy17 I know I

Dear agnesmurphy17 I know I have told you this before, but we definately dated the same man, and then married him. Is it possible that he lived the same life with two different women on two diferent continents? I swear they are carbon copies of each other, your exNarc and mine. every single detail is the same, they are slime sucking subhuman dipshits! Im so proud of you for escaping. Im going to have my day in court with that dipshit sooner or later. and if we discover that his mother was actually a reincarnated cockroach and that he was actually the missing link between cockroaches and mass murderers.. I wont be surprised. Nothing he could do would surprise me now. NOTHING!!!
Sep 20 - 3AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

because he was famous

I found out many horrible things about him on the internet - his behavior was bad enough that it has been chronicled forever for public view...and I stayed anyway. I found out a few shocking things after he left but none more shocking then I learned when together - I remember the terror running down my spine when I read about his past - heartless guy...I thought he had finally "grown up" - I was so far off from understanding what was going on
Sep 25 - 4PM (Reply to #37)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Ifinallygotit - Becuase he is famous

he continues to fool women and continues to have ample supply. I did, however, find out recently that his financial problems are serious but he's in a profession where he can recover, even though he is 65. I think mine was one of those people who is a master at dodging bullits. I could have ruined him (I won't get into it) and now I realize that may be the reason he kept stringing me along...until statute of limitations ran out. I think mine has done plenty of scanless things too but, he's managed to "control" the situations and keep victims from going public. He's so incredibly slick and these guys have this built-in radar that tells them when to back off.
Sep 26 - 1AM (Reply to #38)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

ruin him

yes I could do this too but won't - don't want the bad karma but i could go to the press or even write a book - he was VERY afraid when I went silent after seeing him with a hoe on FB (that was not his intention - he did not know it was public pic) and he blocked me from being able to post on his fan page and on his two best friend's fan pages - no apology to me but protected his public image...so freaky these guys This is someone who made love to me for 10 years?
Sep 26 - 2PM (Reply to #39)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

IFGI

Oh, for heaven's sakes. Write the book, already! If he was an anywhere near half decent man he would have married you years ago and you would, at least, have had some financial compensation. He has basically robbed you of 10 years you could have spent building your life with somebody else. Writing a book about him would be a public service and, like Lisa, you could educate people about narcissism, at the same time. There are karmic consequences for cruelty and they occur in this lifetime for most of us. Narcissists and psychopaths, generally prey on morally scrupulous women, so don't get what they deserve. The only possible path towards enlightenment for them is complete abject humiliation. It's their only hope. Deprive them of that chance to evolve through being brought to their knees and they will keep repeating this process for lifetimes to come. Read Sam Vaknin, or watch his videos on this issue. I actually think writing a book would be cathartic for you, would help you exorcise this demon. You KNOW what he is. If you put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard you will begin to FEEL what he is, deep in your soul.
Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #40)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

ha ha

I hear you but he has already had two rounds of severe public humiliation - one in the NY Times that almost destroyed his career and one on TV in his home city - neither had any impact on him - he did same activities and laid low while treating people no better
Sep 19 - 8PM
lela76
lela76's picture

oooh boy

i found out that when i moved with him i was trying to send for my daughter and he would say that we should wait or let her stay with her dad since he seemed to like taking care of her. i found out later that he told a mutual friend that he said he didnt want my daughter to come move with us because he didnt want the excess baggage...fuck him. i also found out from his ex wife ... who he tried to keep from talking to me...that he told her that i was just a friend that he was helping out...i laughed because i said i wasnt just a friend i was his fiancee...she said she wasnt surprised he lies all the time. i found many more lies from alot of people too much to list but these two are the ones that stuck out in my mind... talking to his ex has been very enlightening to say the least..
Sep 25 - 6PM (Reply to #35)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Absolutely

I spoke to the ex-wife & the woman who replaced me. An education. I only realized then how sick & twisted he is. I ran away because I was coming to terms with the reality that he was an abuser & a narcissist. Talking to these other women & comparing our stories, I realized he's a psychopath. And mine is a highly successful, tenured professor. They compartmentalize their victims so much. It's only when several victims who have overlapping experiences get together & compare notes & his "manufactured mythologies" can one really grasp how twisted & sick they are. We only see the mask of sanity & the abuse. But when we compare the mask of sanity that others have seen, we realize that there is a different mask & a different persona with every individual with whom such a psychopath is involved with. But with me, the ex-wife & the woman who replaced me--the abuse was the same. And he said the same lines such as: "You make me happier than any woman ever has in my life." It's all a script. Nothing except the abuse & the exploitation is real.
Aug 26 - 8PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Oh, I found out he was

Oh, I found out he was addicted to porn. I wasn't exactly surprised, but it's just something I didn't know about while dating him. He put on a good guy act with me. Oh well...what you don't know won't hurt you? Isn't that the saying, everyone? :=P
Sep 25 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
emtg
emtg's picture

Ah yes, the addicted to porn

Ah yes, the addicted to porn discovery. I discovered that while he was giving me the silent treatment and refusing to have sex.
Aug 28 - 12PM (Reply to #31)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I found that one out after

I found that one out after xnh D&D's, too. Xnh came out to the house trying to hoover, and made a comment about how I "drove him him to online porn" because according to him I was just SO frigid. My response was to start laughing and say, "Well I guess that certainly explains all those viruses you kept getting on your computer, and then expecting ME to fix. Have a good life with your "Rosie Palm". Oh, and by the way, you'd better figure out someone else for your computer support, because this I.T. department has quit forever." As for my being just SO frigid, IMO I wasn't frigid ENOUGH with xnh. He managed to give me an STD as a final "gift". If I'd been REALLY frigid, I would have saved myself some pain and trauma. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #32)
lela76
lela76's picture

the gift

wow ... as my going away i gave my N a gift LOL !!! its the one that keeps on giving...wrong i know but hey after the shit they put us through and they just walk away ... to hell with it let them suffer just some of what we have too...he is a sick man ur better than that for sure !!!
Aug 26 - 7PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The Black Hole

The ex-Psych prof was incredibly secretive (still is). He wasn't one of those Narcs who parades his achievements (real or fake) in Facebook, Myspace, etc. When I congratulated him on becoming a husband&a father a decade ago, he yanked the page describing his Happy Family Life with his parents raising his twins (a son&a daughter), as well as him marrying his girlfriend after she gave birth.... That page is GONE GONE GONE. There are professor ratings websites... and while his name MIGHT be there, there are ZERO reviews. Mind you, one can review profs ANONYMOUSLY. He had an article published about Augustine&Wittgenstein a year after the final D&D... it might well have been in the pipeline before the D&D (and I wrote my senior thesis on Augustine) The cause/effect on this one remains unclear. It's an utter lack of philosophical/academic accomplishments that is, in its own pathetic way, stunning. His high level of paranoia (and fears of his writing being criticized) keeps him out of the spotlight. Like chasing a ghost.
Aug 26 - 8PM (Reply to #24)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

to susan

My son is taking psychology in college now. And now, I'm thinking of your ex professor, susan!! LMAO! I know you say he's married. Can you imagine this? I can't. Your ex professor sounds so strange and twisted. Different than any other narc I've read about, but yet the same. The end result is the same, of course. His intent was to harm you. Nice seeing you tonight. :=)
Aug 27 - 7PM (Reply to #29)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Merry Gentlemen"

Now THIS is a strange one. Back in '96, the ex-Psych prof would be comparing himself&I to the main characters in this movie called "The Merry Gentlemen" starring Michael Keaton. He'd talk endlessly about this movie, how we had an "ironic relationship" like the leads, how he was like the hit man played by Keaton,and I was like the abused woman who finds protection with the hit man. The hit man is dying&suicidal and *SPOILER ALERT* goes into the woods, whether to kill himself or not is unresolved. Now, back in '96, "Merry Gentlemen" wasn't in the theaters. I thought the ex-P was full of BS. EPIC BS. However, recently I went to http://www.hulu.com to watch my usual "Project Runway","Top Chef","Master Chef","Iron Chef America","Dinner Impossible"--and I saw---"Merry Gentlemen." HULU's synopsis is that it's about an "ironic relationship between a hit man&the woman he rescues." The movie was in the theaters briefly in '08 before going straight-to-DVD. It takes about a decade for a movie to be made. Natalie Portman said that Darren Aronofsky was talking about "Black Swan" a decade ago... so it started back in '01 before hitting the theaters in 2011. It took awhile for Peter Jackson to make LORD OF THE RINGS. That weirded me out. EPICALLY.
Aug 26 - 9PM (Reply to #25)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

What I mean when I say "Psych"

By "Psych" I mean psychopath, NOT psychology! He considers himself a philosophy/literature expert... but the one constant obsession in his life is "War and Peace." He teaches psychology by default (the abnormal section)... but my college doesn't give degrees in psychology :( "I know you say he's married."-He got married a year after the final D&D... I found out a decade ago (it was 9/11, he had family in Massachusetts) As soon as his girlfriend gave birth to twins (my friends&I named them "Luke and Leia" since it was a son&a daughter) He's been with her for a decade... whenever I've recounted my story (and even after he got married), I've been consoled with "it's gonna end. It's not gonna last." I find that *FALSE* consolation. If I had put emotional stock in his relationship with his girlfriend/wife ending... I would be disappointed. VERY disappointed. I'm not going to stake my emotional well-being/happiness on something so dicey like that. I'm more RELIEVED they're still married after a decade... because that takes the target off my back! "Different than any other Narc"-Because he's a psychopath. He was familiar with Sam Vaknin, a self-professed narcissist (when not accusing me of being one) Narcs who flaunt their new life partners, paste themselves all over Facebook, want to come across as "good"-those are fairly normal, self-preserving behaviors. Normal people have those instincts too. "He sounds so strange and twisted"-My senior thesis advisor, with whom I'm still friends, used the term "different." And he left it that. What triggered me coming here is the unexplained death of a fellow classmate... who graduated 11 years ago. She stayed behind to be a professor;she was one of the ex-P's colleagues. She was in my freshman lab class with the ex-P. Whether or not she was still a professor at the time of her death, and the cause of her death... remain unexplained. NO CLOSURE. The ex-P had triangulated this classmate&I... she was closer to him than I was. Yet during the D&D 11 years ago I had dreamt this classmate&I reconciled. She's dead. She died early in '09, at the young age of 40... no cause ever given. "Nice seeing you tonight"-And it's always great seeing you! Thanks!
Aug 27 - 7PM (Reply to #26)
Deidre40
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lol susan!

lol @ that i thought your ex professor was a psych professor. :=P haha! i think someone needs more sleep. me!
Aug 30 - 8PM (Reply to #28)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

However...

His father is an emeritus professor of psychology. He's done studies on the whining&crying of children. Some of his papers could be applicable to my junior year, when his son threw tantrums because I volunteered at a local school. He has studied whining in depth... and from 4 years experience, I can say his son makes a PERFECT SUBJECT. Why study toddlers, when one's own flesh&blood has the mentality of a toddler? The ex-Psych prof's father teaches psychology;an expert at it. The ex-P... an example of abnormal psychology. The only lingering resentment I have with my college is that they didn't award me a psychology degree.... sheesh... Anyone who takes classes with the ex-P would be automatically qualified to take up psychiatry, psychology, work in a mental hospital... if he doesn't drive you crazy first. His obsession with "War and Peace" (it existed before I met him, still exists, insurance companies call it pre-existing condition) REALLY is like my 2 year old nephew's obsession with trucks. My nephew gets fixated on UPS, FedEx, and mail trucks. And Curious George. With the ex-P and "War and Peace"... same thinking going on.
Aug 27 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It's confusing

There's PLENTY of shorthand on this website. At least everybody here agrees "Narc" is short for "narcissist." "Psych" is more ambiguous... the "I'm going to see my psych" can innocuously mean "I'm going to my psychotherapist." "Psych" can be interpreted as short for "Psychopath"... but it's VAGUE. We've had enough confusion as it is :0 Hope you have a good night's sleep! ;)
Aug 26 - 7PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

I could write a book

I found out that he did not leave his wife of 20+ years because he fell in love with another woman & told her so while announcing he was leaving & wanted a divorce. The wife told me that she threw him out after he did not attend their daughter's emergency brain surgery (could have died) because he was vacationing with his mistress & while the daughter was away recovering (mother with her) he brought his mistress to stay in the maritial dwelling. Contrary to what he said, apparently he BEGGED his wife not to divorce him & would come to house every weekend & bother them. I learned that he was diagnosed bipolar & personality disorder & was prescribed litium which he stopped taking. That he did not get his PhD from the Sorbonne, nor did he get a degree from the Ecole Normal. (But he does have a PhD & tenure.) I learned that there are allegations that he inappropriately touched his adolescent step-daughter. That while he was too busy working to spend time with me (his 2nd wife) he was cruising the internet looking at homosexual pornography which was slightly below splatter & snuff films. Speciality on anal sex. Whikle he was allegededly devastated that I left him & in therapy--he was living in the house I co-owned with his new woman. She did not enjoy all those e-mails he wrote to me while so madly in love with her. I showed them to her. The list is endless.
Aug 26 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

oh. my. gosh. << that's all i

oh. my. gosh.
Aug 26 - 6PM
LucyL
LucyL's picture

Well, Im only finding out

Well, Im only finding out he's a psycho narc 13 years after I dated him. He broke up with me, I got married but he keeps coming back since and not letting me out of my misery. I found out a lot of bad things about him in this meantime. So I guess this is it: this time i have to get him out of my mind.
Aug 26 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Lucy

You're kidding. After all these years...over a decade, and he's coming back, and he knows you're married now?? I am not sure why this shocks me as nothing should surprise me with these types, but I don't get why they come back after so long.
Aug 26 - 5PM
petal
petal's picture

Yes, I certainly did!

I found too many things about the ex N after the breakup and had to stop searching because it made me feel worst and made my grief so much harder. Slowly but surely all the lies he told me (and I believed) came to the surface. For example he had mentioned to his bandmates that we had already broken up 3 weeks prior to the event. One of them told me this somewhat recently. He had already started seeing the OW - another lie I found out about after the breakup. I don't recommend searching for answers or looking for the truth (or for more lies). It's best to just stop. It really messed me up.
Aug 26 - 5PM
not-an-idiot
not-an-idiot's picture

I found out that his promises

I found out that his promises were a sham and he was shadier than I thought. He hoovered relentlessly. I caved. No contact is hard. Every time the patterns repeated. Every time Sir. Narcness would emerge forth and crush the beauty of his good side. He would start the flirting, sexting, sick, disrespectful forms of attention. He was damn good at hiding it from me. People would be told how "crazy" and "stupid" I am behind my back. (What's crazy and stupid is that somehow nothing was ever good enough to him. They use and abuse and invalidate and discard.) Only through NC was I clear and free enough from his convincing to see his true evil. The manipulative mind fuck games these dildos trick us with are selfish. They are masters of their craft. We end up devistated when the mask falls off.
Aug 26 - 8PM (Reply to #17)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

to not an idiot

I'm so sorry, to read this. :=( Something of how you wrote this, I dunno. Made me sad reading it. I dunno, it's so hard to figure out. I think they do it because they truly view their victims as accessories. Like someone to be on their arm. And when they conquer and control, they can't 'help' but look for the next supply source. Even if that means they do it while being with another person. I know had I remained in the relationship, he would have cheated. I just know it, looking back. I hope you are in a better place now with it all??