did something stupid...broke NC and am now starting all over

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#1 Oct 3 - 10AM
O2bfree
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did something stupid...broke NC and am now starting all over

Hi Everyone,
I have to be honest...I was feeling so down last night...well I broke NC, and I texted xN. I did not say anything about how my sister saw him and his gf and how his bestfriend (girl) talked to my sister on Friday night. I did not acknowledge that at all. I just said hello, and hope all is well. I told him I was happy and that I hoped he was too. I did say his silence hurts and I would have liked closure. Stupid me...it has been 3 weeks, I knew he wouldn't repsond. Why did I do this? Now I am back to starting all over, and feeling worse. Now I really see how NC is so important. It only hurts worse when you realize they don't care and you are not even worthy of their time to respond. 3 years, and I am just trash now, it appears I am dead to him, so I need to get back on track and rememeber this. I need to stay strong. One day at a time, but I will do this! I am going to start a calendar today and cross off each day, I am also going to start journaling my feelings, and put together a list of all the mean nasty terrible things he did to me. I am hoping this will help.
Thanks everyone for listening.
Starting day one NC. Please help me stay strong!
Thanks!

Oct 3 - 8PM
newbegginings
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O2Bfree

I did the same exact thing only last thursday, and it left me broken when he did not reply , he did message back the following day " well finally I hear back from u after 4 weeks". This didn't do me any favours in the feel good department either. Yes it is a big smack in the face, but I am seeing how this just game and power playing. It's really damaging, because your feelings are being toyed with. It's difficult moving on, but you have too. I can't endure this anymore, even though I'm still stuck in the fantasy, but their reactions are the real deal, it won't change. It's time to say goodbye Be strong and hugs timtam
Oct 3 - 8PM
Sparrow
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All very good ideas! I used

All very good ideas! I used a calendar and I kept inspirational quotes of wisdom taped all over the place as nice little reminders of where I came from and ESPECIALLY where I was heading. A journal is a really therapeutic way to get your thoughts out! Good luck! You can do it!
Oct 3 - 6PM
tresor2
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O2bfree

http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2011/05/never-show-vulnerability-to-narcissist.html Check out this article...everytime you feel like making contact, remind yourself of this....
Oct 3 - 6PM (Reply to #21)
O2bfree
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Thank you Tresor2!

Thank you Tresor2!
Oct 3 - 5PM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Thank you O2bfree

Your post may have prevented me from doing the same thing a few hours ago. I don't know what happens but, I find myself regressing into insanity periodically, w/o warning. These are the times when I'm apt to do something I'll regret later...the last thing I want to do at this point (4 month no contact) is to give the asshole any more of my power. We do this because of our conditioning...there's a great post by Tigerlilly, this AM, that explains the syndrome very well. I became a chronic relapser for quite some time, after the last D & D. Up until then, we both made contact. Each time I did it he treated me like shit, or he'd trie to play me; either way, I felt sicker and sicker. I felt so low and worthless but, as you maintain NC, the self-esteem slowly rebuilds. Don't beat yourself up. What you're experiencing is normal, given N abuse.
Oct 3 - 6PM (Reply to #19)
O2bfree
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Hi Tresor2 I am glad I may

Hi Tresor2 I am glad I may have prevented you from making thevsame mistake I did. It is so very hard but I know we can do this. Hugs
Oct 3 - 2PM
Sunafterrain
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(((( 2 B )))))

I'm sorry you contacted him. I understand though, I did it many times myself and then kicked myself in the ass for it. One of the things about my disordered one is that he was the KING of the ST too. When I STOPPED communicating with him and went total NC, TOTAL NC, guess what? Mr. Disordered one sent me two ecards for mother's day LOL! And thus the suspicious calls recently, but ya know what? I'm kinda glad he did that. It strengthened my resolve for my NC. I may bitch, piss and moan about the healing and NC process, but I'll be damned if I don't stick to what is left of my dignity and self respect! I"M MORE IMPORTANT TO ME NOW THAN HE IS and that's the GOOD news when you stay NC for awhile. You can do this. you learned your lesson and in the event he DOES respond eventually (these idiots are SO patient sometimes), get your power back MORE by NOT RESPONDING AT ALL. Try to remember 2B, he just wants to hurt you. If he does respond or does try to contact, keep in mind that his only objective is to hurt you and you don't need that anymore, right? HUGS
Oct 3 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
O2bfree
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Hi Sunafterrain, Thank you

Hi Sunafterrain, Thank you for your comment. Mine was always the King of Silent Treatment as well. He was a master at it. Taking a step back and looking at everything and how many times he has done the silent treatment with me....ugggg makes me feel so angry, and sad both. In all of my 40 years I have never dealt with silent treatment from anyone...never even knew it existed until I met him. uggg.... What a jerk!! I need to keep strong, and remind myself that I don't want to be hurt again!! Thanks again!
Oct 3 - 1PM
dulcinea441
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Except for one time when he

Except for one time when he wrote me back something cold and hurtful, my N is also the type to not respond to any of my attempts to communicate. He knows it hurts me more than anything to be met with total silence, as though I never existed, so that is what he does. I know we are dealing with sick, disordered individuals here, but that doesn't really lessen the pain of being discarded like trash. Normal human beings want closure with those who they shared in their lives and hearts, the chance to part as friends, if nothing else. And, of course we know, that is simply not possible with a narcissist. Breaking NC and getting no response is as traumatic as if he'd tried to hoover you. Maybe moreso. But you just have to start again and the next day you will feel much better because this time you're already so much further along the path to wisdom and healing than you were in the beginning. xoxo
Oct 3 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
O2bfree
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Hi Dulcinea Thanks for your

Hi Dulcinea Thanks for your reply. Yes, I hear you...mine knows how it gets too me...the whole ST treatment...it is as traumatic as if he had hoovered me. It makes you feel so unworthy! Like I don't exist!! A normal person would not do this! Thanks again! Stay strong! Hug!
Oct 3 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Lesson learned

These idiots are Soooooo predictable! I could have told you a no response would occur!! You took the hoovering bait. And in return you then get to be abused with silence!! You just fed him a whole bowl of fish food!! Take his number out of your phone!! Pick yourself up and start over! What you did was get a lesson about Narcville!! Hunter
Oct 3 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
tresor2
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Hunter, Not fish food,

cockroach food.
Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
O2bfree
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Thanks Hunter! I know, I sooo

Thanks Hunter! I know, I sooo knew he wouldn't respond, I don't even know why I put myself in that situation. I know this is wierd thinking, but I almost feel like he is NC on me...of course I start feeling like this is all my fault. Gosh I hate these feelings. Of course I know he will never ever change and it is always about him and him living in the moment. That is all he cared about, was living in the moment and doing what makes him feel good. He of course makes himself out to be the perfect nice guy to everyone else, but...they didn't see him like I did. Jerk! Im gonna stay strong, his number is now out of my phone. Thanks again.
Oct 3 - 12PM (Reply to #12)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I understand, I've been there

I understand, I've been there and done that!! Like used said I doubt you'll do it again! It happens !! He's putting you through one big Headfuck! Hunter
Oct 3 - 11AM
CrAzY4trying
CrAzY4trying's picture

square 1 ... NO CONTACT!!!!!

i did the nc for 4 mounths... and went back for a week.... it was durning a low depressed point in my life... they couldnt get me into their twisted mind games... my eyes were opened... i became the observer.. and boy i saw it all... now the problem is getting rid of them...once and for all...im kinda kicking myself in the ass for engaging in the bs... but im at square 1 ... im tired... its exsuating dealing with these people.... thanks for being here great outlet for me...
Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
O2bfree
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Hi CrAzY4trying, It is

Hi CrAzY4trying, It is exhausting dealing with them. And yes, this is such a great outlet. And your right, going back only get's us back at square one. We need to stay away and stay strong. Hugs
Oct 3 - 10AM
Used
Used's picture

O2bfree

dont beat yourself up,its done now....he got what he wanted, a reaction, you have given him a nice piece of supply.. HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS, I BET YOU DONT EVER AGAIN... when ever you think of this supplying him, you will think of how you feel at this moment....it won't go away until you are well and truly done with him.... to explain...it has been the things that i done with exn such as texted...ignored... phoned...phone off again....and him disappearing again....these things are the things i still cannot get over and these are the things that have kept me NC for 23 mnths..... i dont want to get over them either, just to think of them makes me want to scream...or it USED to...it doesnt now b/c i am over him,so over those things....i was 2 YEARS NC WITH MY EXNH ON FRIDAY...YAH...i also feel them same with him...i don't care anymore what he done when were married or that he has done since.... I AM SIMPLY INDIFFRENT TO THEM BOTH...this is the place you will reach too,one day but it has to be NC everytime.....HE WAS BORN A DOG, HE IS A DOG, AND HE WILL DIE A DOG....WHO CARES...YOU WON'T SOON XXXXX
Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
O2bfree
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Hi Used, Thank you! I will

Hi Used, Thank you! I will stop beating myself up now. I am going to try very hard. And you are right...I am never going to do that again...getting ignored and the whole ST is just so abusing, and makes me feel much worse. It is so devaluing. I would think with a normal real person, they would at least respond, and wish us well. I have never been through a break up like this before where I have had someone treat me so badly. Thanks again! Hugs
Oct 3 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
dulcinea441
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Yeah, you are getting nothing

Yeah, you are getting nothing but a lonely, empty feeling of being forgotten, while he is there getting his supply, feeling like he is still the center of attention and able to toy with you. He gets everything he wants and you get nothing. Not worth it!
Oct 3 - 10AM
Tigerlily
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Don`t be too hard on yourself!

It happens to the best of us. We are not machines! Good that you realized how breaking NC makes you feel worse, not better. It will help you to stick to it better next time. Hey, next time you feel weak, what about writing US instead of him?!! Just a thought. Thinking of you. Tigerlily
Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
O2bfree
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Hi Tigerlily, Yes, next time

Hi Tigerlily, Yes, next time I will come here and write instead of reaching out to him. It's funny...I don't know anyone personally on this forum, however I feel all of us here care for each other more than the N's ever cared about us. After 3 years, I am trash to him. He doesn't care about feelings and never will. NC NC NC...I will do this!
Oct 3 - 10AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Hugs!! Tell yourself its ok,

Hugs!! Tell yourself its ok, u can start again. I have done that at 4 weeks mark also. He responded for 1 nite of texts he appear ok we did not discuss anything deeper other than mundane what we have doing safe topics. Then swiftly it turned cold at 2nd day. All is not worth it. Bu this brief break reaffirm u that how heartless he is!! You get renewed strength to continue NC. We can do it! Hugs!!
Oct 3 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
O2bfree
O2bfree's picture

Thank you Sea! Yes, I can see

Thank you Sea! Yes, I can see how heartless he is. It just isn't worth my energy to even be upset anymore. Time to take care of me. Im going to work on staying strong. thanks again. Hugs