Did the N have any noticeable or odd Facebook habits?

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Jul 4 - 8AM
MandyM's picture

Please Help Me Figure This Out . . .

My ex's FB habits and activities are still things I puzzle over to this day. We were FB friends well before we started dating (or even really speaking on a regular basis), and we remained FB friends for months after he left until I finally bit the bullet and deleted him. After doing so, I checked and saw that 90-95% of his page is public, so I could still see most of what was going on. But even when we were friends, nothing was really going on. He currently has over 400 FB friends, and I know he was on there every single day while we were together - more than once a day - so I'm assuming he still does that. But he doesn't chat. He rarely if ever posts any statuses, and if he does, they're usually taken down by him a few days later. None of the dozen or so photos there were posted by him, except his profile photos - they're all photos by other people that he was tagged in, and more often than not, he'd go through and untag himself. He would routinely delete other people's postings to his wall - at one point, he scoured his wall until the most recent posting was something someone had posted to him from nearly two years prior, so almost two years of his life on FB (which wasn't much to begin with) had disappeared. I hesitate to say he's got his privacy settings all enhanced and customized so only certain people can see certain things because he didn't even know they were there till I told him about them, but maybe he went back through and played with them; I doubt it, but I don't know. All I know is that he seemed to practically live by FB, yet he never lived ON FB. The only thing that makes sense is that he collects people on it and then watches them if they strike his fancy - he didn't even remember that we were FB friends till he took an interest in me, and then he haunted my page, to the point where he was questioning what I meant by things I wrote and asking me why a certain person was commenting on my updates all the time. But you can't tell hardly anything about him via his page, other than the fact that gee, everyone must like him because he has so many friends. Maybe that's the point? I don't know. It was really, really strange, how much he was on it and yet how secretive he was himself. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have multiple pages because all of his friends and family and ex-girlfriends and people we jointly know are on this one. But it was weird. IS weird.
Jul 4 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
rosedewittbukater's picture

Figure this out

"he seemed to practically live by FB, yet he never lived ON FB" Honey, it's about voyeurism. Sitting back and watching and not really participating or risking being vulnerable in any way themselves. Having that many "friends" - well, how many of them do you think are real friends? Which of those "friends" would bail him out of jail or show up at one of his relative's funerals? No disrespect to anyone else on here that has 400 friends, but again, it is a completely different reason for them than what it is about for us.
Jul 4 - 4AM
Littleone's picture

Omg this is EXACTLY what my

Omg this is EXACTLY what my EXN did!! Said he hated Facebook yet was on there all the time when we split. Same thing about photos of himself, just no professional pics. He had lots of old friends, high school etc and was actually trying to chat up a girl on there soon after we split. Ugh they are just revolting. He would post vile jokes too - yuck
Jul 3 - 10PM
rosedewittbukater's picture

Narc Heaven

Indeed it is heaven for them. Shallow interpersonal interactions (which we all know they excel at) and painting a portrait of themselves, or their false selves. Mine had well over a hundred photos of herself in dozens of albums. Every vacation or other outing, and extended vacations she went on by herself. It's one thing to share photos of special occasions with friends and family, sightseeing pics, or even the occasional "Glamour shot" but WTF? During these lengthy solo excursions she managed to take many cell phone self portraits. After the second D&D, she unfriended me. Rather, this deliberate action preceded the D&D and this was how I learned she was ending (albeit temporarily) the relationship. Something interesting about this though I have to share with you. The "unfriending" or blocking took place within seconds of my viewing a post or status update she made on her wall. This lead me to believe she had a "profile stalker checker" or similar app that she was using. The gist of it is the app tells the user who has visited their profile, how many times, etc. Typical of a controller, right? I mean, if anyone here has this I am not passing judgement on you, please understand this. But a narc would use this for a completely different reason, and that is to obsess about others perception of them, and to fuel their supply. Anyway, after I was blocked (and the subsequent D&D) she made a successful hoover and went back with her for round two (or was it three? - I lost count). We were back together for probably a month when I decided to confront her about why we were back together and she thought I was good enough to sleep with - but not be FB friends with. Oh the nonsense that followed. Her response was that "I am not friends with my girlfriends on FB" and "I don't use it like that". Interesting, because she used it as a tool for flirting with me and communication with me initially during what I know now was the "idealization" phase. Private messaging, commenting on photos, etc. etc. So, I guess what I am trying to say here is that A) The hundreds of posed photos should have been a red flag B) Unfriending and then refusing to re-friend me was just another power/control and devaluation maneuver. After the initial idealization phase, she began with the gradual ignoring (and occasional triangulation like someone else here experienced) whereas in the beginning she seemed to hang on my every post. One last thing, during the year or so that we were "friends" I noticed most of her posts were some kind of attempt at making herself look superior. Mine was primarily a cerebral narc vs. somatic, so alot of political and "social justice" type posts. She likes to portray herself in a certain light and everything was aimed at painting that picture. Rarely did she comment on others walls. She would "hide" status updates from her friends if they annoyed her in some way. She also had an unfavorable opinion of FB in general, expressing contempt for it, yet every time we went to see a concert or other performance she spent half the time taking video of the performers so she could post it on her page and show everyone how cool she was.
Jul 3 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
rosedewittbukater's picture

Sorry so long

Sorry that was so long-winded, this just hit a nerve.
Jul 4 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
rosedewittbukater's picture

What was that all about?

Don't mean to keep harping on this, but someone please anyone explain to me what this maneuver was about. Being FB friends, getting unfriended and getting back together with me but refusing my request to be friends again???? Anyone? Was it too hide OW? Or that Xn didn't want to be publicly associated with me for some reason? Control and having the upper hand? All of the above? Just looking for someone to shed some light on this. Is it normal to refuse to "friend" your own GF??? (after previously being "friends" with her for a long period of time)
Jul 4 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
ms_m's picture

what was that all about?

OMG i'm totally going through this too - of all the fb antics, this one really hurts/angers me the most. as i mentioned in my longwinded post above, my N and i have been living together almost 2 years and it was a few months ago when i discovered accidentally that he had de/unfriended me (no idea when that act actually happened as he won't admit when). it's just so absurd to me that two people still living/physically intimate with each other can appear to not even know each other on fb! i mean i can understand if he did it in a moment of rage/revenge but i would assume after our sporadic moments of peace/being loving/talking of staying together that he would have refriended me... but no such gesture. and i'm sort of too proud (or feeling too hopeless at this point) to 'ask'/invite him to be my friend on fb since i know that would give him such a sense of pleasure and power. to answer your question, i would say clearly all of your above reasons. defriending is a small but hugely symbolic act: totally about control and power, not only about frustrating your wishes to be 'friends' but also denying your ability to access her online life. shutting you out of her 'exclusive in group', demoting you now that you're been D&Ded. i'm sorry that sounds harsh and i may be wrong but at least that's clearly what's happening with my N. my N always wanted me to know as little as possible about his life, would fly into a N rage over simple innocent questions, so i get the sense that, during the D&D phase (guess that's where we're at now) he absolutely hates/hated that i had access to his FB page and was just looking for any excuse to cut me out of that part of his life (so that i could stop 'restricting his fb freedom')... also maybe about maintaining a specific 'image' and hesitancy to publicly reassociate after you've been D&D'ed -- has she told her friends that you've both broken up?
Jul 4 - 12PM (Reply to #14)
ms_m's picture

what was that all about?

oops replies crossed - just noticed your post above after i composed mine. just trying to get the hang of this comment/reply interface. anyway thanx so much for your kind and thoughtful reply! so glad i found this place!!
Jul 4 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
rosedewittbukater's picture

No worries

No worries about the comment/reply thing. Folks here don't dismantle or criticize though that has what has been done to us!! I am sure you are right on about the control thing. To answer your question about whether she told her friends about the breakup I don't know but I would be willing to bet she did, and when she did I am sure that she spewed venom about me just like she did to me about all the others before me. (what should have been another HUGE red flag) I am sure that now I am her mortal enemy since I chose me. I chose ME and chose to survive. Like the Tamia song! What a horrible choice we have to make! I know she told her Bestie for sure since this woman coached her on what to say and what photos to post on her new on-line dating profile...which BTW is full of lies and forgets to mention "flying into narcissistic rages" under hobbies/activities. Sure that once this was out she could not possibly "admit defeat" and acknowledge me in a public forum where all her other friends could see that we were once again "friends". No, they have to demonize you for fighting to save yourself and stand up to the abuse and the mind games, and refusing to be completely conrolled. I agree with you 100 hundred percent - how totally absurd to that two people still living/physically intimate with each other can appear to not even know each other on fb! I should also mention that the two years we were intimately involved at NO TIME during that time did she ever change her relationship status...and of course I dared not to do this as I could imagine the repercussions of that!!! Like you, I just assumed (silly me, you know what they say about ASSuming) after our moments of peace/being loving/talking of staying together and even talking about plans to move away together after retirement - (mind you this is 10 years into the future - long term commitment/plan which really confuses me since I thought Ns did not commit or actcually make mundane plans for retirement of all things) that she would have refriended me as well. However, unlike your dignified manner of handling the situation and not broaching the subject, I could do no such thing. We had a very passionate night of lovemaking (although by this point she was becoming increasingly more sadistic in bed) I mean I loved her like a real woman loves a soldier going off to war!! Well you can see that my anger over having been treated like a whore was welling up inside me and I couldn't take it one more minute...so I put my clothes back on (or more accurately zipped myself back up) since I was not allowed to take my clothes off...and i confronted her about it toe--to-toe, eye-to-eye. She spouted off the ridiculous replies about "not using FB that way" though I knew this to be a bold faced lie, as she had done it to me years ago, and self-admittedly to other woman before me)and also mumbling something about being hurt "on there" before, not by you but..." and some garbage about not being "friends" with her girlfriends on there (again,an out and out lie, since we hooked up over FB less than 2 years ago). Big time narcissistic injuries were taking place cuz I finally got the cajones to decide to stand up for myself at that point and ask "what about me? Why can't you honor me, respect me...you get the picture. Why do TOTAL STRANGERS have more access to you (and your life) than me, your own GIRLFRIEND! The "I don't use it that way" makes me laugh...since she has ex-girlfriends galore as friends (and probably current) and is trolling for new supply on there now. After her last abusive episode I finally opened my eyes and said I was done being treated like a piece of garbage instead of a woman, and wrote (and sent) a letter which I poured my heart and soul into, she again made excuses and refused to be accountable for her actions. Long story even longer, a few weeks later she blew up my phone with texts. One of them was a proposition for sex. When I did not respond quickly enough (apparently this was urgent and she only had a 3 minute window) I got back nasty juveniles messages one might expect to get from a 16 year juvenile delinquent. And she has the nerve to label me "immature". Sorry Ms M if I went off on a tangent but I just can't get over how this part of our "story" is so similar! Once I get a litte farther along in my recovery and hopefully over the fear that she could someohow "find me out" on this board I am going to post MY STORY (ROSEDEWITBUKATER's STORY). Just need more time. I hope you can find the time too because I think it will be very cathartic (like Lisa says) for both of us! Any maybe, just maybe help others in the process. I love it when that happens!!!!
Jul 3 - 4PM
Deidre40's picture

didn't mean to double post. i

didn't mean to double post. i had a longer reply, but part of it is completely cut off, and i can't add it in. boo.
Jul 3 - 4PM
Deidre40's picture

FB is EVIL!!! <<< I say that

FB is EVIL!!!
Jul 3 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
TraumaMamma's picture

You're probably right sweetheart

I am going to be more careful in the future. I have "thinned the herd" so to speak. My N only was allowed to post on his page. The only way anyone could leave a comment was if he made a topic first. He said it was because of business and he had employees on there. Then I was thinking about it. And he deleted a comment of mine, when I saw a truck of his that someone was storing on their property. My best friend from high school teaches explosive ordiance at Texas A and M. He has TWO facebook pages. One personal. One business. Pretty smart. Also, after thinking about it, he had said that when people get married they should have one facebook page only. So me and him woulda had one. He tried to tell his sisters that they should do that too. Although I never had anything to hide and answered the phone whenever my ex's would call or text, I did find that a bit controlling. I dunno.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jul 3 - 4PM
Deidre40's picture

hahaha FB is EVIL

a FB is EVIL!!!
Jul 3 - 3PM
JRB123's picture

FB is a Narcs Playground

The narc I was involved with last year was a face book fiend. He spends loads of time on it creating an image of the perfect man. He only posts stuff that makes him look good. He generally only comments on good looking womens posts. He plays triangulation games on it and also does the whole silent treatment thing on it too! I unfriended him ages ago and have no regrets. He started the whole flirting thing with me on FB and then I recently saw him do the same to a mutual friend. She has now unfriended him too!!It seems that this is how he meets his next victims. Yuk!
Jul 3 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Deidre40's picture


lol I agree. FB sounds like it would be a narc's paradise, for sure. Message boards, also. They can pretend to be anything they wish to be...and sadly, people buy it. The only thing they can't do is pretend to be in a relationship if they wanted to piss off an ex. Because people would probably question...I didn't know you were involved with someone? So, only so many lies they can tell. But...from what I hear of my ex. He posts pics of women, he's 'dating,' but I know he's not dating them. lol I have never seen his FB wall, I don't have FB. I remember when he asked to friend me, and I told him I didn't have FB. He was surprised. Thank the Lord I do not have my page active anymore. No thanks. Second, like yours, I've heard through mutual friends, that he posts comments on attractive women's walls. lol And he posts on porn people's walls. hahahaha! How sad. You're posting on porn people's walls, and they don't even know you??? Yikes. I'm so glad we're done.
Jul 3 - 1PM
greengirl91's picture

Mine did precisely that lol.

Mine did precisely that lol. Badmouthing and exagerrating how Facebook is so "fake" and all people follow it, but he was one of the first people to make an account there lol! All for attention. Also, ex N said with his own mouth "Bad commercial is still commercial". So, yeah.
Jul 3 - 11AM
SoOverItNext's picture

The Narc I was involved with

The Narc I was involved with has a facebook but doesn't really update. The only time that he updates is when he goes out on the town and he's smiling and laughing in the pictures...we have a daughter together but the pictures HE has up are pictures of his older daughter from a previous marriage. He paints the picture like he is happy and enjoying life and is a good father. NOT! He uses facebook to make his life how he REALLY wants it to be through pictures, not like it really is. If he was as happy as his facebook makes him out to be, he wouldn't be suicidal or call my phone from a blocked number and hanging up, he wouldn't call my family and friends crying when I don't pick up the phone for him for months. These men are LOSERS. They really are nutjobs. I would prefer a man who spends the time and energy that the N spends playing mind games...creating ideas and being a provider and foundation for a family. That's what a man should be anyway. Dating is fun for them, I'm sure....but a man who can't be in a stable, committed, meaningful, loving, honest relationship is not worth any more of my time.
Jul 3 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

Too Sneaky for FB

The N I was involved with is too sneaky and secretive to have a FB account. He won't risk the chance of the women he's playing finding out about each other through wall posts, etc. Besides, he has no friends anyways. :)