Did the N have any noticeable or odd Facebook habits?

49 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 3 - 11AM
deecbee's picture

Did the N have any noticeable or odd Facebook habits?

I'm curious to know how the N in everyone's life related to or interacted with his Facebook page (if he had one). To me, it seems obvious that FB is a very valuable tool for a narcissist. They have complete control with who they are in contact with, the way they are portrayed, and can take inventory of other people/size themselves up to others, etc.

The x-Narc is in a way, obsessed with his page. He always talked about how he "hated" Facebook, yet spent so much time on it and cultivating his image through there, ESPECIALLY when he was in search or in need of supply. He doesn't have many friends on there (because he doesn't really know many people in real life), most of them are people he knew back in high school or college and casual acquaintances.

He has albums of professional pictures he has taken- he's doesn't model, act, or do anything that would warrant him having shirtless, posed, professional pictures taken a few times a year, so it's a bit awkward to see giant photo albums of his cheesy mug all over his page, but whatever. That's what narcs do, obviously.

Most of his status updates are one-liners, or jokes- obviously in search of a thumbs up or an "lol" to reassure himself that he's funny. Never anything of substance or pertaining to his daily life- it's ALWAYS some frivolous joke, and usually not even his own. We had added each other back after not being friends on FB for a while, and while looking through his old status updates, I saw he had taken a funny sentence I had written in an email to him and posted it VERBATIM as his own words. I never pointed it out to him because a. I didn't want him to know I was reading his old updates, and b. I'm actually a sensitive person and don't enjoy embarrassing people for fun.

When he's upset, the silent treatment goes to FB as well. He'll stop posting for a few days or ignore the person he's usually interacting with. He also gives very canned responses to people greeting him on his page- it's hard to read because it's so PHONY to me. "Hi Bob, how are you doing? We have to catch up some time! Don't be a stranger! :)" When in real life he doesn't give two craps about these people.

I could go on, but just wanted to know what other people's experiences were with the Narc re: Facebook. Does he have any consistent or weird habits with it?

Jul 11 - 6PM
deecbee's picture

Don't be fooled... they are watching

Something happened this past weekend with FB that has me thinking that perhaps these guys are "watching" us or at least wondering, way more than they are letting on. The N and I aren't in "sworn enemy" stage and yea, I admit he's on my FB page although I rarely post anything on there and I've blocked his updates from my main news feed. A couple weeks ago I was having a frustrating day and Facebook was serving as a distraction, so I deactivated it. Within 15 minutes, I received a text from the N asking if I had deleted my page or if I had blocked him. I told him I had temporarily deactivated it. Then again, this past Friday, I deactivated it again (what can I say, I'm impulsive and easily frustrated by facebook, lol!) and AGAIN within 15 minutes I received a text from the N asking the same thing. The weird thing is, I rarely hear from him and he doesn't *seem* to be FB 24/7, and we never interact with each other on there. The first time I figured it was some weird coincidence that he had logged on right after I had deactivated it and just so happened to want to check my profile out at that moment. The second time... it's too much of a coincidence. Even though this guy is careful not to make much contact with me and seems to not spend too much time on Facebook, what other conclusion can I draw from this other than he is sitting silently at his computer on FB for a large part of the day, probably watching people, and REFRESHING MY PROFILE FREQUENTLY without ever saying anything. How else would he know within 15 minutes that I deactivated my profile-- TWICE? Creeeeepy. The guy is a stalker and a voyeur and had it not been for these two incidents I would've never in a million years guessed that he was on FB checking my profile at various hours of the day.
Jul 9 - 2PM
dolphingirl's picture

Michealangelo's David--_NOT

His fb profile picture for the past almost year, is the naked statue of David in Florance Italy,(reality check;he is a fifty something, skinny nerd) all of his posts are either upping everyone with his intellectual superiority or posting pictures of himself at great sports games or concerts.
Jul 9 - 12PM
deecbee's picture

Most of his pics were pics on

Most of his pics were pics on his vacation/outings... he'd make his girlfriend take a bajillion pictures of him in stupid poses while they were out, and then he'd post all the ones of HIM up! From their last trip, he was wearing dark sunglasses in the photos and in each of the pics he put up I could see her in the reflection, half-assedly holding up the camera as if to think, "Why the fuck am I standing here doing a photoshoot for you? Can we just get on with it?!"
Jul 6 - 10AM
Susan32's picture

Way too secretive

The ex-Psych prof is too paranoid&secretive to have a Facebook/MySpace page. He'd probably be afraid he'd be pranked. College kids are more computer savvy than back in the '90s. They have iPhones, apps, and iTunes now. There are a couple of his essays online (most have pay walls, so you'd have to fork over about $25 to read them)... and that's it. Ironically, his father is the one with the internet presence. Then again, his father has been on NPR, in Discover magazine.
Jul 6 - 7AM
Sherbear's picture

Okay, I have to get in on this topic!

My N uses FB as a definite trolling/stalking tool. He never posts any status updates about himself...why??? B/c he doesn't know who he told what lies too? Does he feel like he is above letting anyone know what he is doing?? He collects friends like they are dolls and then he deletes them after a few months when they aren't showing him the attention that he feels he deserves. Or maybe he jsut realizes that they aren't going to play his game, he sees some are happily married and they jsut aren't going to pawn in his game, so he deletes them. He has 54 friends and I know he has deleted at least 30-40 people in the last year. He never changes his relationship status....he is always SINGLE. His friends consist of about 10 family members, some guy friends from back in the day, old girlfriends and current girls that he is trolling. That's it. He rarely comments on anyone else's page. We have 16 mutual friends together and at least once a month, he will comment on soemthing after I have commented....why??? Is that his way of letting me know that he is still around? I never post after him....EVER. I know that burns his ass. I can always also see who he is trolling...b/c when he does comment on a friends page, it's always after that certain girl AND he uses their language....he will mirror their comment and use their words....he did that with me alot! He is severely paranoid and has major anxiety so if he does post something, he usually goes back and deletes it, b/c he doesn't want to appear stupid. Loser. He deletes posts that girls leave on his wall, I guess for the others to not see. He would start doing that with me too....I hated when he would delete a post. How rude. Old gf's would comment on old pictures that I posted of him in High school....like they wanted me to see their posts....like they were instigating me to get jealous....whatever. He is currently trolling 2-3 of our mutual friends. He once told me that he only goes for girls that are heavy drinkers.....he told me he could never a relationship with a woman that has it together in her job, her life, etc... He goes after the drinkers and partyers.... And he is holdikng true to that since he dumped me (not a drinker) and the women he is trolling are major partyers. They drink all the time and post pics of themselves in bikinis, partying....getting crazy. Those are ones he is concentrating on. But even they ignore him...they never reply to his comments. I love it! And I can always tell when he has new supply, b/c he goes majorly silent and won't post for weeks or a month. When he comes back, then he is moving thru his cycle and needs some extra supply from old ex's online. I SEE IT and it helps me keep me NC and moving forward, b/c I can see his games now....I have put the pieces together. He's really pissed right now, b/c I found his OW online and saw all the pics from their weekend together...I called him out on it....he had her and every other girl change their privacy settings, and then I deleted and blocked him. HE WAS FURIOUS! HE is afraid that all our mutal friends can see this and he is afraid of me telling our friends the truth about him. He is afraid of being exposed which is why he raged at me and told me to keep his name out of my mouth and to leave him alone. So I have the upper hand.....I know his true self and he knows that I know! I did unblock him a few months later....and I know he was stalking me for a while. If I added a mutual friend, then he added them, I comment on something and then he comments, he even put the picture that I tagged him in from high school as his profile pic for new years eve and his bday. Why??? These guys are such losers....His paranoia and anxiety are so bad....he is his own worst enemy. This is what I can recall at this time! Good topic!
Jul 9 - 12PM (Reply to #41)
deecbee's picture

Haha, love your response!

Haha, love your response! Sounds a lot like mine! I have to admit though, when he posts some idiotic little joke and it's still being met with *crickets* 5 hours later with not even a "like", I feel SOOO smug! I know that chaps his ass more than anything! Posting a few status updates in a row with no response is enough to make him go silent for a week. Too much narc injury for him to take.
Jul 11 - 6PM (Reply to #44)
TraumaMamma's picture

That made me Lol

The crickets chirped on my N's too. Once he was going on and on about Osama being killed. Trying to be funny. No one replied. Still no one. Still no one. Then he posted on his own wall... "Thanks for listening, I'm out, you've been a great crowd" And I couldn't tell whether he was being sarcastic or not. My page on the other hand, moves at the speed of light. I am always inspirational, funny and upbeat....Sometimes, I will have 27 comments on a topic. I love my friends and they just love me back. ;) It seriously musta chapped his ass. ;)

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jul 11 - 7AM (Reply to #42)
Sherbear's picture


Dee~ That is freaking hysterical! "Posting a few status updates in a row with no response is enough to make him go silent for a week." It is absolutely the truth! The anxiety and paranoia that mine had was extreme. Very worried about how others perceived him. When we reunited, we really shared alot of personal info and secrets and things that have haunted us our whole life. I go back and forth about if he was telling me all lies. The reason being that I was there in middle and high school....I saw his father's abuse and alcoholism. I was there when his parents sent him away to boarding school for years. I was there when he returned and all his old freinds had moved on to new friends groups and he couldn't find a way to fit in. So I beleive him when he told me that he beleives his father never loved him. And how all of his childhood has really affected him. He told me he knows he is a liar, he does things that make people angry with him, blah, blah, blah. And I think that is one of the major things that he freaks out about, that he shared so much with me. We only spoke on the phone a few times after the D&d...one conversation that was our kind of catching up and processing convo...he even said to me. "Gosh, I can't believe how much I shared with you about me, Sherry. I jsut felt so comfortable with you, b/c you were always in my heart from the beginning...you were already there." He is so paranoid that I am going to take his info and expose him. I beleive it's the main reason why he hasn't contacted in 11 months. That and he is punishing me. Okay, and this is pretty funny. After the D&d, he chatted me on FB. I had noticed that he never asked about me when we had briefly chatted previouly. So during this chat, he was telling me all about him and I gave him his congrats and encouragement. And then he said..."So how are you Sherry?" As I was replying, he went offline!!!! HE WENT OFFLINE! WTF is that all about! I can laugh about it now, which is good news! These guys are jsut too twisted! Losers!
Jul 11 - 6PM (Reply to #43)
deecbee's picture

My N rarely ever asked me how

My N rarely ever asked me how I was. They don't because they don't give a flying f-ck how we are. They don't even care enough to go through the motions and PRETEND they do. He, too, was scared I would expose him. He asked me numerous times to "not contact anyone my facebook and tell them anything that is not common knowledge about me." Weirdo! So disgusted with him right now I could SPIT! He just DOESNT GET IT!
Jul 6 - 5PM (Reply to #40)
Gullable1's picture

Facebook fear

My narc, would never let me see anything fb, however he was always sending pictures and posting crap. He has no friends, they all did something to him? Bugged him, offended, smiled funny, yadda yadda ... Begs the question who? Oh..... Strange women! Duh I personally fear the site with all my moral fiber. I see my narc somehow hacking, trying to bed my friends, threatening my male friends, and gaining info to manipulate me into some unsavory action. He told me once he was going to find my daughter on fb to keep tabs on me. Um..... eeeew? So, of course his was "super secret"
Jul 6 - 8AM (Reply to #39)
Sherbear's picture

A few more things....

He only posts pics of him from years ago....when he was really in shape. His current profile pic is with his kids....they are currently in middle and high school and his pic has them all in elem school. Just weird. Of course now, he is at least 50 lbs overweight and looks rough from the drugs and alcohol. Also, when he comments on anybody's page....he always makes it about him. How he can turn everything around about him is absolute craziness. It's never to reach out to someone else and offer them encouragement or support. It's always about drawing attention to himself. He always has an agenda. Can't beleive I misjudged our longtime friendship the way I did. :o(
Jul 5 - 11AM
TNR1's picture

I was never "friends" with Mr. N....

which I think was actually a great thing because I can't really get caught up in all his games. I do know that he never posts a picture with a girl. He prefers solo photos and has rotated a few favorites. You also won't find him if you look for him because he doesn't come up under his name.
Jul 5 - 11AM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


My exN used FB for attention, to troll for new supply, play head games & send mixed messages, to create jealousy with triangulation, and punishment. Of course, I didn't know this at the time. Mine was a former classmate from school that I reconnected with on FB, as I have with many others. Initially, we were just casual acquaintances, but looking back, he used it to study me, target me, and slowly, but surely ensnare me. It was all very innocent interaction at first that escalated to major flirting, and eventually led to our LDR affair. Back in the early days of FB, it seemed like everybody was using the various applications to send drinks, hugs, hearts, etc. He started sending these things to me, but also to other friends. He also published on his wall the ones he received from others, which were a lot. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but his wall was full of these hearts & hugs from various women friends. He also "appeared" to be divorced. Had no relationship status and only pictures of himself and his kids, but no wife. He would also post about doing things with his kids on the weekends and include mobile uploads, but there was never a wife mentioned. After our friendship had escalated to something more, I noticed that he would be very active all during the week, but then drop off the grid on weekends. Hmmm...... I thought. Is there a Mrs. Narc? So I messaged him with this observation and question, to which he replied yes. There was a wife, but they hadn't been "physical" for over a year and she had "been with" one male friend that he knew of, as had he (female "friend") and they were probably going to get divorced. When I asked why he left his status blank, he said because even though he was still married, he didn't FEEL married anymore, but wasn't single either. Gee, big red flag! Oh, and how awful for him to be in such a terrible marriage headed for divorce (big eye roll here). A few months later, he did separate from his wife and is now in divorce proceedings that are supposed to be final in September. So during the honeymoon phase of our "relationship" he was commenting on almost all of my posts and "liking" all of them. He was also sending me hearts, hugs & kisses daily from those applications, as well as "Poking" me constantly. He started posting love songs for me on his page. I made an entire playlist of songs that he said were for me that I can no longer listen to, because they're a trigger. Really sucks. When he started pulling away, all of that declined and at the same time I noticed he was interacting more with other women and being more flirtatious with them. He would say and do things to intentionally make me jealous. And then he started randomly posting songs that sent mixed messages about the relationship. Songs like "Already Gone," the timing of which would always come after some argument or him going cold on me for no apparent reason. He denied all this of course when I questioned him, and said I was just too demanding, jealous and insecure. Eventually, he stopped commenting or liking anything of mine altogether, would even delete some of my comments from his page, and all the hearts, hugs and kisses stopped. He would still post songs, though, just to confuse me, and still poked me. One night, we got in a big argument on the phone and he de-friended me, along with 3 of my closest friends because he didn't want to see me interacting with them in his newsfeed. The following day he said he was sorry, made a mistake, and shouldn't have done it, but was hesitant to add me back. He finally did, but not without punishing me by withholding it for a couple days. He knew how much that hurt me then, and did it to me a few more times before things were finally over for good. After he separated from his family, he started living the bachelor life, going to bars on weekends and parties occasionally. That's when he really turned up the heat on his page. He would post about some shenanigans that happened with other women coming onto him when he was out at these dive bars. Outrageous stories that I believed at the time, but now think he made up for attention. His whole FB persona really changed from what it had been a year earlier as the nice, family guy. Back then he bragged about how he would deliver food to the needy for his church, now he was bragging about bar sluts trying to grind on him out of the blue or grab his crotch. And then come Monday, he would often have a new female "friend" that he met over the weekend. It got to the point that every day I logged on he had something there that either pissed me off or hurt me. Even subtle things like ignoring me and "talking" to someone else. Total head games. BTW, found out later he had a second FB page just for his church friends and family, and he blocked them all from his "real" page so they couldn't find it in a search and see what he was really like. Then he got a camera and started having pictures taken of himself at parties with all the women there that he would post on FB. Really started to have the image of a womanizing player. After posting some pictures of a Halloween party last year where it appeared he could have been "with" any one of the different women he posed with (but wasn't I found out from a mutual woman friend who was also there), I went ballistic and got so upset I deleted my account and told him we were done (one of many times we were "done"). The following day, he met some mutual friends at a bar, including the one from the party, and mentioned to her that he was concerned about my feelings and posting pictures that would bother me. Then he told her how pissed I was about the Halloween pictures but he was SMILING as he said it. Our friend remarked on this at the time, but he said nothing. During the final D&D, he dumped me overnight for an old GF of over 25 years ago, and let me know by posting pictures of the two of them kissing and holding each other at a party. Within a week he changed his relationship status and his profile picture to the two of them. Then he went through his profile and cleaned up his wall of all controversial or flirtatious posts, untagged or deleted all photos of him with other women, and completely changed his FB persona again. He even removed his cell phone number for her, which he would never do for me. Then he de-friended me, but opened his page up to Friends of Friends so I could see the progression of his relationship where he practically made his wall into a shrine of her. His status updates about how wonderful she was and how he wanted to be with her forever were sickening to read. And he was saying things publicly to her that he once said to me privately. He was basically love-bombing her on FB. But that's where he used it as the ultimate weapon to rub salt in my already gaping wounds. I completely blocked him the day I went NC, which was 16 weeks ago now, so he wouldn't have me as an audience to play to anymore. Plus, I knew he was about to block me and wanted to beat him to it, which INFURIATED him, so I at least got to have a little of my power back.
Jul 9 - 12PM (Reply to #36)
deecbee's picture

YES! So glad you beat him to

YES! So glad you beat him to the punch in this case! I agree with the whole "audience" aspect of it. Even if he wasn't on speaking terms with me, he still played his life out in theatrical fashion on FB so that I and other who were probably also in the same situation could sit and observe and (he would hope) be envious. Not so! Taking that away from them is soo satisfying. He basically begged me to come back to FB after I deactivated.
Jul 5 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
rosedewittbukater's picture


I think mine used it to study me too. Too many coincidences. Of course I didn't pick up on it either at the time. I went through the same thing during the honeymoon phase too. Lots of likes, comments etc. Then gradually came the silent treatment and blatant ignoring.
Jul 5 - 11AM (Reply to #34)
Used's picture


What a bastard he is...well they all are...myexn and exnh have there f/b completely closed...myexh has aphoto of him self...and a few months ago his g/f put a photo of the 2 of them...within a week that was gone..and she was back with just a profile photo....i already knew about them...and am not bother...the narc has no photo..he has some *friends*, but i dont know any of them...but i know about them....they both make me laugh ...the narcs anyone would think they were afraid of me...or what i could say... I COULDNT BE BOTHERED...
Jul 5 - 8AM
IncognitoBurrito's picture


He had SO MANY girls on his FB friend list! Of course, there were also family members, and guy friends. However, the majority were total groupies! The way they'd squeal about him was so obnoxious! They were less like "friends" and more like fan girls. I didn't notice it, for the longest time. Probably, because behind the scenes, he would call me and confide in me about the decline of his troubled marriage. We'd talk a lot, and I was there for him, as much as I could be. I wasn't on FB singing his praises. When I finally realized his FB page was more like an FB FAN GROUP, I wanted NO part of it, and blocked him. He was hurt! He, literally, took it as a sign that I was ending our friendship! I tried to explain to him, that we could speak outside of FB. That I didn't wish to be perceived as some fan girl, because I wasn't. (I was platonic friends w/he and his ex, on-line.) Anyway, he, of course, didn't understand what I was talking about! He said he wasn't paying any mind to those girls, and was too "oblivious" to realize if anyone had been flirting with him. It was a lost cause.
Jul 5 - 9AM (Reply to #32)
Used's picture


When i was with narc...he kept accusing me of beign jealous of him..b/c HE NEVER STOPPED TALKING ABOUT WOMEN...WHO HE HAD BEEN WITH, OR WAS GOING TOO LOL, ON AND ON.then one day i said i am fed up with listening to this shite...he said you are jealous..i said no, this is not friggen conversation...this is just you going on and on about women and your exs...boring..i said how would you like me to bang on about my exs...he smirked you have only had one...yourexh...i said ok..what if i talk about men i have seen ,he said i wouldnt have a problem with that. I THEN MET A MAN WHO BECAME A GOOD FRIEND...NARC DID HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT...HE DECLARED WAR...They dont like it done back to them...ITS THOSE GOOD OLD DOUBLE STANDARDS AGAIN...OF WHICH HE HAD HUNDREDS.
Jul 4 - 6PM
StudentOfLife's picture

His facebook habits were

His facebook habits were bizarre. He too would always proclaim "who has time for facebook?", and ridicule people for being on it, yet he was on it at least as much as everyone else. He would even try to lie about when he was on it. Crazy-making mixed signals! FB is one of the many things that helped undermine the trust within the first year of our togetherness.... After we had started dating casually, we became FB friends. I could see his wall, pics, make posts the works. This changed. We made a (supposedly mutually exclusive) commitment in the November one month b4 our first year anniversary of "hanging out". (and me having been told i was the only one for long b4 that). The Valentines' Day that followed.... two womend from his FB account posted some sexy hello's/cards to him. I very calmly and innocently inquired to who they were. A day or so later, that was it. He blocked everybody from posting on his wall. He never posted pics of us. Never said he was in a relationship until i had expressed over and over again enough times over the course of 2 1/2 years that he then did post his relationship status, almost two years in(by that time it just didn't mean as much as if he would've done it all on his own accord.)Never posted anything personal. He could/would never explain to my "why". If only he could've made me understand. That's what i was searching for. I was never the jealous type, but because of his secrecy and lies that change while in the relationship with him. He had many of the female "friends" on his site whom he had been introduced to through the female friend who had first introduced US. (yet never embraced any of my friends as his own). This same female friend and all of these other friends were those same people from whom he insisted we hide our relationship from for the first year and a half. Go figure. One time after the weekend of silent treatment this past March (which i later learned he was calling a break up), this semi-hott girl appeared on his FB. Timing being what it was, i asked him about her when we finally started talking again saying i couldn't help but feel the timing was odd, and did she have anything to do with the off-kilter no-contact weekend between us? He looked at me, smiled a pleased little sinister smile, twinkle in his eye... he was pleased that i seemed to be jealous and hurt. I know FB is the perfect venues for these guys to troll for women. ugh! I believe his facebook habits were quite telling of the way he compartmentalizes all of his different past, current and/or potential future supply sources. I believe this is his MO wholeheartedly. Thinking back there were so many red flags. I shoulda known! I should've definitely gotten a clue when he told me he had kept a file under his bed of all the potential women he had found on dating sites. I should've known so many times, i should've listened to those instincts!! Anyhow, yes VERY odd, very telling Facebook habits.
Jul 5 - 11PM (Reply to #30)
KRISTINA's picture

he said he hate facebook lol

Ladies, all what you have been through and posted here, happened to me as well. I knew him from facebook, when i press confirm button on his friend request was exactly the time when he start ruined my life. His wall full of girls comment saying "i miss you" and he replied to them "me more" following with crying icon lol when i asked him about this, he said it's a polite way to reply when someone said I miss you to him. we always arguing about this until one day he delete me from his friend list. he said we always have fighting because of facebook. I said no worries, it is ok not become your friend on facebook. Until then I visit him, flying 8 hours from my country, just to discovered that he lied to me all this time. One day he left his laptop in our hotel room and i asked his permission to use it, he said ok. I want to sign in to my facebook account, but what i saw is his profile still opened. the devil inside my head asked me to know more about this guy. I went to his inbox and oh God..........this guy who i think is heavenly guy drag me to the hell. he spread out a message asking some girls to be his sweetheart. and one message was made me shock, as he said "i love u" to one girl, that i always think has a crush on him. This girl is the girl who always said she miss my exN. He was on fire when i told him that i found all this. He chasing after me, asked for forgiveness. he said all these girls are nothing, i only love you. The worst thing was I saw tears in his eyes. Arrgghhhhh liar !! Since then i dont trust him, i tried to send friend request after i returned to my country, i surprise that he accept that. He said he want me to see that he did nothing on his facebook, he doesnt even has time to sign into his account. he said he hate facebook, he want to deactivated his account if i do too. after a very long conversation i decided to deactivated my account bcos he did too. until one day, one of my friend, who is friend with him on facebook, told me there is a girl who keep posting comment like they are in relationship on my exN's wall. I was shocked. I thought he has deactivated his account. Darn, he did it bcos he want me to do so. once my account deactivated he activated his account. what a fool ! lol we have a big fight not because of facebook but because of the girl that keep posting on his wall. he said this girl is his sister's best friend. so he close to her as well. he asked me to try to deal with this girl. this girl is muslim so it's impossible for them to be in a relationship. I dont trust him. since then he just dissappear. we didnt talk each other for 1 month, until one day this girl ( i can say OW ) came to me, sent message in my inbox asked if i have relationship with my exN. I said yes, and until the day we talked he never say goodbye or break up yet. so I assumed I and this N still in relationship. this OW was shocked. she told me he is a liar. I was not surprise. Then my exN asked his sisters not to talk to me anymore, they said they wont forgive me for hurting their brother. LOL why me? he was the one who lie to me and we know end story. He put a photo with this OW as his profile picture, I think to make me jealous :) I am move on now, deep inside my heart i dont want to see this OW have pain, as I have been through a very difficult time, but what to do this OW still trust him. She told me "I am sorry that he never love you, he said he just love me" I just smile and feel hurt for certain, but i know chain will never end. It happened to me before when i caught him cheat on me. The time will comes for this OW :) This is the way N use his facebook, searching for supply, love to have girls posting love words and enjoy being chased by girls. Telling us he hate facebook and has no time for facebook, but keep staying on his account day and night. I was angry to him, i was thinking to do bad thing as a revenge. But I dont want to be as jerk as my exN< i better to be silent, turn and walk away because he,his family and this OW do not deserve my time. :) I still have my facebook now, to stay in touch with my friends, no more hurt feeling on facebook since he left :D
Jul 5 - 12AM (Reply to #28)
rosedewittbukater's picture

Don't Should on yourself

Don't should on yourself. How many hundreds of women (and men too) on this site have heard those little voices warning in our heads, yet didn't listen. You didn't listen because you didn't want to hear (it). None of us did. Please don't beat up on yourself because of that!!! You hit the nail on the head with what you said about compartmentalizing. A Narcs profile most likely has groups 1) current supply I need to water occasionally 2) future supply I need to cultivate (think of it as seedlings he is trying to "grow" 3) Past supply which I can torture from time to time and maybe use (any port in a storm!) for my own selfish needs. I will water those flowers from time to time very sparingly... before I cut them, put them in a vase for my enjoyment for a couple days then discard them for A or B.
Jul 5 - 1AM (Reply to #29)
JRB123's picture


I love your comparison of supply to tending flowers! You've hit the nail on the head here! Brilliant! I will always think of this now when I hear what the narc is up to!!
Jul 4 - 7PM (Reply to #27)
Deidre40's picture

Student of Life

Odd to us. But, the perfect storm for them. He wanted to create a jealous gf, and he succeeded. I too was never jealous. I was not on FB, but he would share with me weird things...like for example...he said one night...''you won't believe this dee, this chick I know who means nothing by it, she wrote on my wall tonight...I want you.'' I laughed it off...as I knew by that point, his games. His desire to make me jealous. UGH. He makes me wanna puke. He didn't succeed. Then, he told me one of his ex wives (he had four) had contacted him through FB...and made a comment about he and I in a pic. (he had it as his profile pic) I was like...why is she writing to you? He said...I shouldn't tell you these things, dee. I said to him...if you want to be back with your ex wife...I will not be in your life, also. Just know this. If you want to go back and forth with her, you may...I just won't be in your life. After those two incidents, he never brought FB up again. lol I think FB is evil, and a tool for the worst when it comes to narcs. So sorry you had to endure this crap! You're better than all that.
Jul 4 - 12PM
Deidre40's picture

hahaha that's funny, ms m. My

hahaha that's funny, ms m. My ex would have a slew of 'sayings' that were all negative, pretty much, but ppl would act like he came up with them. lol I don't have FB, btw...but, I have heard this all third party. They have an innate need it would seem to appear as though they are bigger than life...more important than they are.
Jul 4 - 11AM
Smarter-thanthis's picture

I had been defended about

I had been defended about 2years ago after a d&d. It has still been a rollocoaster since. I was d&d'ed AGAIN last week. Yes I was STILL seeing him. Ugh......but never mentioned fb since being defended. Anyhow......3days ago he hid his wall and relationship status. How pathetic am I to be hurt by this...... Crazy......that I watch his privacy changes on fb. I just wonder WHY he does it. OW I am sure. Ugh, I need to get past this.
Jul 4 - 11AM
ms_m's picture

narcs + fb

OMG THIS IS SUCH A GREAT TOPIC! i'm new to this site, this is my first posting, and i have a lot to say about this so forgive me for only scanning the many responses above (and possibly repeating what others have said) in favor of writing while the ideas are fresh in my mind. FB is narc heaven, first of all in terms of fulfilling the narcissist's compulsive penchant for ACCESS/VOYEURISM: although i have a lot of friends/acquaintances on it, i personally spend little time on it - maybe check in 5 minutes a day, using it mostly for emailing or checking event info. i don't have the time or interest to read and follow everyone's likes/comments/status updates/wall postings etc. i don't even have time to maintain my own profile and for the past 3 years dismantled my 'wall' in order to avoid more social networking / online distractions. however, my N has always been obsessed with FB. as soon as we met, he found me and friended me right away (presumably in order to have access to my profile and study up on me... that in addition to admitting to googling me and checking all of my online work all on the first night), while i had sort of been apathetic and felt no rush to befriend him. throughout our 2 years together, i always noticed his scrupulous studying of everyone's pages, and his narc obsession with befriending all the 'right' people in our community (e.g. high status, prominent, highly successful etc people). it's always like he's curating a world class exhibition and that exhibition happens to his 'image' with the 'works of art' being his fabulous friends... his glee in getting new fabulous people in his fb 'in group' was always so strange to me... my N's relationship to FB also reflects his intense narcissistic COMPETITIVENESS with me, seeing me as some sort of rival: at that point 2 years ago, i already had 400+ friends and he had approx 80: these stats mind you are simply what he has burned into my mind as frankly i could care less and would otherwise have never noted/remembered that. throughout our 2 year relationship i have checked his page probably 1-2 times a month, only when a wall link or photo was announced on my fb newsroll, and certainly never scoured his friends to count or compare. in contrast, he has constantly made strange jealousy-tinged comments about how many friends i have vs him. i have noticed his eagerness to 'compete' with me and accumulate as many friends as possible. although i don't have a page tracker or FB spyware, i know that he has regularly checked, rather scrutinized my page regularly (daily? i used his computer a few times before he 'locked' it with a password and noticed in the history that he had checked my page almost daily, thoroughly checking numerous of my friends' pages!) - that frequently despite the fact that i don't have a 'wall' and have minimal visible activity on my page. this is evidenced in his regular verbal remarks: "whose so and so your new friend?" (a male)... or "i notice that so and so [one of his fb friends] is now your friend" (even if this this 'new' friend is someone i actually knew before him or introduced him to he's intensively possessive of his friends and possessions - the idea that we could 'share' friends is nonexistent for him and whatever enters his life instantly becomes HIS)... or "i see that you're now a member/fan of so and so group, how coincidental considering that's 'my' group [or on 'my' page]"... this competitive behavior has always struck me as so strange and immature, like a catty high school girl or a little kid who doesn't want to share his toy. i always respond to his weird remarks with a shrug or a dismissive comment about his silly fixation and jealousy but he is compelled to continue these jibes. FB also feeds into the narc's desire for CONTROL (i guess this relates to my voyeurism point above)-- the fact that he can see who i'm socializing with and check all my event rsvps and say "uh so i see that you're going to such and such event this friday..." before i can even mention my friday plans to him. in addition to control, he also uses it as a means of REVENGE. i'm a really relaxed an uncontrolling person, and jealousy is something pretty foreign to me. but admittedly there were a few women that i felt threatened by, justifiably a bit jealous. he purposedly asked them to become fb friends simply to get revenge on me admitting later he was angry at me about something. the ultimate REVENGE and CONTROL came a few months ago when, still living together although discussing separation, i check my fb page and see his face on the "people you may know" section! [these are people who are not yet your friends]... he had recently secretly defriended me! shocked, i quickly checked my linkedin and other sites and noticed he had erased all presence of me in his SN life. so i brought it up later with him and he admitted it was because he was angry and it 'didn't make sense to be friends with someone who he hated'... and i was like, "the more mature way to deal with it would be to say 'look it doesn't make sense to still be fb friends so i'm deleting you" rather than doing it on the sly hoping i wouldn't notice for a while. while we've still been living together for these past few months and it's been up and down, knowing that we socialize with people who have no idea that we live together or even know each other (since we don't pop up as mutual friends and my presence has been completely erased from his photos and wall) is sooo completely weird... again, i'm new to this site and new to this narc stuff so apologies if any of this sounds redundant or plebeian...
Jul 4 - 11AM (Reply to #23)
Deidre40's picture

ms m

really enjoyed reading your post ms m...and welcome! :=) In my opinion...they love FB, message boards, etc...so very much, because they can create an illusion of what a)they wish to be and b) what they hope others think of them. That's pretty much it. My ex acts like a jerk on and offline, so at least he runs true to form. But, he would have everyone believe he's wildly successful, financially...nope, he's not. He'd have everyone believe women are falling at his feet, nope, they're not. He's not even dating anyone right now. Especially if the majority of their friends they've met online to begin with, then they can extend the fantasy of themselves more and more... He is physically fit. I'll give him that. Very much so, and so at least when he posts pics of that, that's a truth he's telling. But, I wholeheartedly agree that they view FB as a display of others...and therefore an extension of them. People are an extension of them. He always thought I was ''too good'' for him. He would say this a lot. I'm believing that, now, thank you. lol But, back then, I'd say...noooo, don't say that. But he said it a lot. And I think he wanted so much to be a God fearing man, like I try to live my life according to God (albeit fail and fall a lot) it was something he couldn't quite do. Why? Because to surrender his will for God's will, it probably comes hard for a narc. So, yes, I agree. FB is just a facade...an image maker. Not to say everything they post is a lie. It's not. But, they only post the good stuff about them, and embellish a ton of other stuff to make themselves look 10x better than they really are. Truth too? If you're online 24/7...your life significantly lacks substance. You lack something. I know this to be true for myself. I speak from experience. To sit online, on that website we belonged to...hours on end. I had to ask myself, what am I lacking? But, see, for a narc...they never think anything is wrong with their behavior. My ex spends his life online. So, how he has managed to fool people into thinking he's this cool dude with women falling at his feet, is beyond me. Don't these ''friends'' on FB see what we all see?? Head scratcher for sure.
Jul 4 - 11AM (Reply to #21)
rosedewittbukater's picture


Welcome, Ms. M. What happened to you sounds very familiar. Only I was not living with my N when she decided to unfriend me. What a shock though, as at the time we were still together as far as I knew. I remember feeling as if I had been kicked in the stomach, and when the "add as a friend" popped up on the screen I had a very strong physical reaction and felt as if I was going to throw up. I think it is all about manipulation of other people and of course, control. Though they seem to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other - either posting all the time (operating under the assumption that everything they say is some kind of gospel and everyone cares about what they are doing all the time) or the opposite, being very compartmentalized and reluctant to "share" anything that's really personal or substantive. Anyway, glad you are here - you will find a lot of support here. Peace, Rose
Jul 4 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
rosedewittbukater's picture


She went on and on incessantly about how hurt she was when one of her X's defriended her. Then she turns around and does the same thing to me out of the blue. Unreal the sense of entitlement these aholes have. They say one thing and do another - classic.
Jul 4 - 11AM (Reply to #20)
ms_m's picture

narcs + fb

ohhh! and one last thing i forgot to mention: my N is a rampant plagiarizer! he sort of cuts and pastes great sounding intelligent stuff from me and anyone else and will totally parrot it as if it was his idea or insight. this carries over into FB as well: unlike my other friends who, if they find a cool link or discovery to share, they say "me via so and so" crediting the person who connected them to that link. but he totally coopts everything presenting it as if he just found everything. same with email forwards - if on a rare occasion he decides to "share" a cool link/article/invitation with me, i notice that he erases all traces of the original sender, just leaving the body text, despite all the tediousness of cleaning up the arrows and formatting! and before he got his 'revenge' by 'defriending' me, i noticed so many things on his wall that were direct cutnpastes from conversations we'd had or things i'd introduced him to, NEVER MENTIONING in fb that it came from me/his girlfriend! we would take trips together (always initiated/planned and organized by me because such tedious planning was beneath him) and after the trip he would post photos and commentary as if the trip/itinerary was magically his idea and he had gone alone! WEIRD!