Did I truly love my ex?

I'm slowly starting to trust again. And recently, thought of going on a date with someone. It might be fun, I thought. I didn't have those horrid waves of mistrusting feelings that normally have swept over me, when a guy asks me out.

But, love. What is love? There's God's love. Which is always giving, always merciful, always kind. God loves us unconditionally. But, He doesn't love our sin. That's an example of love.

But, romantic, relationship love. What is that? I have asked myself over the past year of healing...did I love my ex N? He told me he loved me very quickly, after three weeks. We know that is not love. But, ladies and gents, I said it back, too. Why. Looking back, I was afraid if I didn't, he'd be angry. So, I said it. And perhaps, I convinced myself of it.

But, on one level...it felt like love, because the love I've always known, like how I was raised...was NOT unconditional. It was always based on conditions. I always felt like I was trying to earn the love of my own family, back then. How sad for a little girl to go through something so confusing.

As a grown woman, I STILL FEEL THAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE THAT. I think this is why I have succombed to narc relationships, as often as I have. For narcs make me 'work for their love.' It feels...dare I say, normal.

Well, time to create a new normal! :) I want to love someone, freely. I want him to love me, freely. I want to not have worry, angst, and fear attached to ''I love you.''

I want to get there. I just wanted to share this, and wonder if any of you feel this way, having been through healing for a while...NC for a while.