Did he ever really love me?
Did he ever really love me?
13 years I have devoted to him. 12 legally married. 6 part of a poly relationship. (more details in "share your story") Mrs. Ind and I are leaving Mr. Ind the N. She is my rock.
I have been reading about Narcs and their lack of empathy and their inability to really love. It hurts. A Lot.
I was resigned to the fact that I'd been shoveling energy and love and effort into a bottemless pit. That no matter what I did, not matter how hard I tried it was never enough. I'd owned up to and faced the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. I'd come to grips with the concept that he's been attracted to everyone that wasn't me for 12 years. I'd dealt with the understanding that it's over because it will never ever get better.
But the one concept that is really hard for me to wrap my head around is the idea that maybe he never loved me. Every memory I have is now tainted by the knowledge that every moment was a facade. A desperate attempt to throw up a mirror or illusion so I could not see his true face.
I think the only time I saw his true face is at the break up moment. His face red and contorted in rage as he shouted accusations at me. He jabbed his finger at me and hurled everything at me that he thought would hurt me. He said he stood by me when I was crazy, he said that he assured me over and over that I would never leave. He spoke of faithfulness and devotion, and that when he needed me I left him. What was sad is that every insult, every dig, every word he said would have crumpled me. 6 years ago. It rolled off of me.
I realized he doesn't see me. He hasn't seen me in a long time. He is dealing with the woman he married. She is gone. She has not been around for a long time.
Today I'm kind of numb about it because I'm processing it in an intellectual way. But tomorrow, or the next, or next month I know the full weight of it will hit me again. I can say "he loved me in his own way" but that is just avoidance. That is just not dealing with the facts.
I can cling to "we had some happy times" and there "were good times". He did teach me a lot. But the price has been very very high.
Same here
What a wonderful point of
Independent, this is
spinning
As we seperate our lives I
Independent
"they do not live in the real
It helps knowing I'm not
independent