Did he ever really love me?

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#1 Jul 29 - 7AM
Independent
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Did he ever really love me?

13 years I have devoted to him. 12 legally married. 6 part of a poly relationship. (more details in "share your story") Mrs. Ind and I are leaving Mr. Ind the N. She is my rock.

I have been reading about Narcs and their lack of empathy and their inability to really love. It hurts. A Lot.

I was resigned to the fact that I'd been shoveling energy and love and effort into a bottemless pit. That no matter what I did, not matter how hard I tried it was never enough. I'd owned up to and faced the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. I'd come to grips with the concept that he's been attracted to everyone that wasn't me for 12 years. I'd dealt with the understanding that it's over because it will never ever get better.

But the one concept that is really hard for me to wrap my head around is the idea that maybe he never loved me. Every memory I have is now tainted by the knowledge that every moment was a facade. A desperate attempt to throw up a mirror or illusion so I could not see his true face.

I think the only time I saw his true face is at the break up moment. His face red and contorted in rage as he shouted accusations at me. He jabbed his finger at me and hurled everything at me that he thought would hurt me. He said he stood by me when I was crazy, he said that he assured me over and over that I would never leave. He spoke of faithfulness and devotion, and that when he needed me I left him. What was sad is that every insult, every dig, every word he said would have crumpled me. 6 years ago. It rolled off of me.

I realized he doesn't see me. He hasn't seen me in a long time. He is dealing with the woman he married. She is gone. She has not been around for a long time.

Today I'm kind of numb about it because I'm processing it in an intellectual way. But tomorrow, or the next, or next month I know the full weight of it will hit me again. I can say "he loved me in his own way" but that is just avoidance. That is just not dealing with the facts.

I can cling to "we had some happy times" and there "were good times". He did teach me a lot. But the price has been very very high.

Jul 29 - 8AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Same here

Same here Independant........I was married to my narc for 14 years, together 15 years. He was an amazing "actor", deserved an Academy Award. His best buddies even said so....no one recognizes him anymore, his family, friends, co-workers, none of them. I resolved myself in the very beginning that the man I was married to was dead, the man that stood before me was a complete stranger. I told him that and he quietly agreed. I don't think he even knows who he is. Now, he is with the OW, happy for now, maybe forever...........I say that only because he was estatically happy during our marriage. Never an argument, disagreement, no eye rolling, nothing....our marriage was too good to be true, and when something is too good to be true, IT USUALLY IS! Plus he suffers from RCD, reptition compulsive disorder, and I was his 2nd marriage. Both hiw parents were married 3 times each as well......so, the OW could be #3........very interesting. I wrapped my head around the fact that it was all an illusion, none of it was real........couldn't have been for him to have walked away without blinking an eye, without a struggle. Many family and friends sit and ponder this still, 15 months later........not me, I moved on, with acceptance. The way I look at it, if I was that happy for 15 years with what love he offered, OMG imagine how amazing it will be when I am loved by a man who does not suffer from NPD! Someday, I will experience that and think back on what I once thought was and just say "Wow", that's all........"Wow". It's exciting to know that something truly amazing is around the corner waiting for me.....I am not out looking for it, it will find me. In the meantime, I will enjoy the ride, a lovely one it is at that! Hang in their, you will do wonderful! We all will!
Jul 29 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
Independent
Independent's picture

What a wonderful point of

What a wonderful point of view. Let go of what what "real" or "not real", let go of worrying about how he really felt. Hang on to the happiness I felt and walk away from the rest. Even if it was not real for him, it was real for me. And for a time I was happy. Thank you!!
Jul 29 - 7AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Independent, this is

outstanding work here, though it may not feel like it. This "processing" is so important...and the "numb-ness" is part and parcel of the initial journey into healing. You are right about the full weight of things...all in its own time. I think you have a great handle on what is and what was. It's getting through the pain (and for me shame of being in it for so long) that is the tough part. But I read in your post that you are up for the task. I am here to tell you that at 9 months out, you will be so glad you did the work and got through it. My life is so much better now I can't hardly even believe it. Independent, I am so sorry you had to find this forum but I am glad you are here. This is a place for knowledge, wisdom, compassion, validation, information and even humor. We are here for you. You are doing great. Keep processing and sharing and reading here. It really makes a difference, a difference you'll be so happy about one day. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO LONGER AN OPTION. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND CONFUSION. I REJECT ALL REJECTS.

spinning

Jul 29 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
Independent
Independent's picture

As we seperate our lives I

As we seperate our lives I have a few months more to live with him. But after that No Contact. I'm glad to hear the numbness is normal. It's probably even healthier.
Jul 29 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Independent

YOU said it all very well. i spent 15 off and on years with the narc,never married him, I listened to my gut on that one as he did mention marriage.They cannot love themselves, tremendous self loathing, I heard that from the narc, they do not love anyone else, it is all an act to appear' normal' in the real world. they do not live in the real world, only their own world of fantasy.It does take a long time to realize you were only an object to them to use and abuse, it will take time, but from a woman over 2 years out, you will finally wrap your head around that notion, and then move on wiser.We are all in this together.
Jul 29 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
StudentOfLife
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"they do not live in the real

"they do not live in the real world, only their own world of fantasy." .... I need to keep reminding myself of this!! I know exactly how you feel. My final d&d happened less than 2 months ago and i too keep getting stuck in this "did he ever really love me?" question. Maybe we feel the need to try to figure out what indeed was "real" so then we can actually work on Acceptance of reality?
Jul 29 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
Independent
Independent's picture

It helps knowing I'm not

It helps knowing I'm not alone on this. That other independent, smart, savvy women have been drawn into the same trap. I kept myself in this trap for a long time. I know that I have often been attracted to the "damaged" ones. I love watching Johnny Depp because he plays damaged characters that I can fall in love with. I kept telling myself I put myself here. I am attracted to damaged people, so why are you complaining when you have one. Well now I am telling myself, you like cookies too. But do you eat nothing but cookies? No. Just because you like something doesn't mean you have to suffer every moment because of it.
Jul 29 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

independent

these men really cause you to look WITHIN yourself and therapy helps as well, with a good trained therapist, as to why we put up with such horrible behavior and went back each and every time for more abuse; it is so abnormal when you finally step away from it all. Now after all this horrendous journey, I long to meet a kind, caring,normal man and have a drama free relationship. As we all have said, it is addiction, an obsession, and the hard work for us all is working on ourselves and healing what needs to be healed within each of us.