Did anyone get the silent treatment?

Yes, he is a judge and I was accepted to Yale Law School. I was a paralegal for years. Honors all through school, three degrees, wrote seven books, all about our city, which we are both fascinated by. If I tried to have a conversation with him, he would sigh and say, "Honey, if you're going to talk, I'm going home." I would have pretend conversations with him in my head after awhile. I had them all the time, I guess to make up for what wasn't really happening.

Yes, he is a judge and I was accepted to Yale Law School. I was a legal assistant for years. Honors all through school, three degrees, wrote seven books, all about our city, which we are both fascinated by. If I tried to have a conversation with him, he would sigh and say, "Honey, if you're going to talk, I'm going home." I would have pretend conversations with him in my head after awhile. I had them all the time, I guess to make up for what wasn't really happening.

Yes, he is a judge and I was accepted to Yale Law School. I was a legal assistant for years. Honors all through school, three degrees, wrote seven books, all about our city, which we are both fascinated by. If I tried to have a conversation with him, he would sigh and say, "Honey, if you're going to talk, I'm going home." I would have pretend conversations with him in my head after awhile. I had them all the time, I guess to make up for what wasn't really happening.

What's ironic, and sad, is that my ex-P was a philosopher (well, he thought so) and a professor... yet we were incapable of having a philosophical discussion. He'd shut down if I asked him about his own ideas. He'd ask me tough questions, but if I asked him tough questions, he'd clam up on me. Or divert it to his personal stuff. On a purely intellectual level, I couldn't connect with him. And here I was, thinking he was merely emotionally deficient but compensated with the intellect.

Thank God! It means he must have found another vict-..er, girlfriend. Or reconnected with friends he hasn't spoken to in a while. Or maybe he senses, from 20 miles away, that if he contacts me again I WILL NOT HESITATE to maim him.

I have found a lot of articles on narcissists focus on those with "narcissistic rage" but mine never lost his cool (he's a total control freak) and abused me through passive aggressive behavior, especially some form of withdrawal... whether it was the silent treatment, being too tired or too depressed for sex when I wanted it, needed a ton of ttime by himself (which he would then tell me how needy I am...), absorbing himself into TV or work email at night and I could go on and on and on... The silent treatment is a form of control/emotional abuse and you don't deserve it.

Q. What's worse than a narcissist? A. An intelligent narcissist. LMFAO! How true! I always felt very lucky that my Ex N wasn't that bright in that department. That in fact saved my A*& a few times whenever I had to deal with her and her issues. At first these silence treatments worried me but later I saw them as a break from all the dysfunctional and destructive verbal fighting between us. I talked with my boys and they too understood this as well. Still with the silence treatment comes the "walking on eggshells" mostly due to the fact we (boys and I) never knew when it would end. Much like the calm before the storm. Really one can't win whenever dealing with the "S" treatment nor the rages. But I for one would take the "S" treatment over the "storm" anytime. No matter what type of abuse tactic they use, still they know how to put the victim between a rock and a hard place.

This very good article was posted at the end of another thread. It rang so true to me and reflects what so many of us are going through--wondering why they left and why we never heard from them again. The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse I believe the silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder; silence; distance, and ignoring you) is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the abuser's thoughts. It is used as a form of non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if they don't physically harm you then they are not abusers. The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser. Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation. In a word..it's meant to torture someone you profess to love. Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any 'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself (or herself). The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to 'kill' you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been psychologically 'murdered' by them, but your physical life goes on. In my current relationship (over as of this last abusive episode) I have spent more days getting the 'silent treatment' than not. Yes - I believe it is the 'worst' of the emotional abuse tactics - and this is where I have been most harmed and damaged, and where I will need most of my healing from. At my age I definitely don't need this. Relationships aren't supposed to be about pain and hurt. Why in goodness name I have allowed myself to suffer through all his forms of power, control, and abuse for years will be a forever question mark in my mind. I used to love him, even when I was angry with him, or hurt by him. My love stopped during the last episode - or maybe the one before. I really can't remember when my heart shut off the love valve. Maybe it was a gradual thing. However, the love is gone, truly gone - and this current episode just made me commit to not going back into the relationship. Truth be told, if I were to walk in on him today and find he had died from a heart attack or something, I think I would just be relieved, and not experience any grief or sadness at all. I know that sounds inhuman and evil, but what abused partner hasn't wished for the abuser to just stop abusing, even if it's by death? As with most abusers, they are in denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses: * I needed to have some space * I thought you needed some space * I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me * I thought we both need a cooling off period * I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation * I just needed some time alone to think * I didn't want to fight * You told me to leave you alone * Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse. Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said: "He uses it to punish me on a regular basis" "I've had times where my husband used this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I existed, and that I wasn't a ghost or invisible." "I've learned to love the silent treatment. For years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the abuse...but it's not...at least not for me. ...and yes, I felt that it was a punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn't even exist." "That's all it took & he wouldn't speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front. I couldn't live like that anymore." "There was no rhyme or reason, it could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes, punishment!" The reality is (in most cases) that the more someone ignores you the more you actually want to resolve the problem. It's almost an involuntary need on the part of the person being ignored. And that's the whole point to the ignorer. It puts them in control AND it gets them attention. However, that's in most cases - in my case the more he pulled the silent treatment, the more I saw him as a very emotionally-sick and an immature, abusive person and the LESS I wanted to resolve our problems. I would just pray for him to leave, or sometimes I would fantasize that I was in another healthy, loving relationship, and that he and I didn't even exist as a couple, or I would pack up some clothes and try to leave myself. Of course, part of his 'control' was in knowing the fact that I couldn't leave my children or my job...which I would have had to do to leave my home. This gave him all the authority and power over me as he so chose. But that authority and control truly isn't love - that controlling power and abuse is an insecure person's way of trying to not be abandoned - by abandoning you, and probably when you needed them the most. This way they feel that they had a psychological and emotional hold on you. That you can't abandon them. The problem is, are they too stupid to realize that being abandoned is exactly the result that they will eventually get? To be abandoned by their victim? Maybe not always physically abandoned, as abused people can take abuse for years and years. But they abandon their abusers mentally and emotionally, closing their hearts and souls to them, and killing any love at all they may have once felt for the abuser. Isn't that leaving? I should think so! Abuse is abuse. And abuse is never ok. In one way though, the silent treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied affection. For me personally the silent treatment was dished out when I did something he didn't like, when I was wrong, or when I showed him he was wrong. The link was as clear as flipping a switch and seeing the light go out. POW, KABOOM! I got punished and he wouldn't speak with me for days on end, including choosing to not even be in the same physical area with me. He would hide away or disappear for hours, and even sleep sitting upright in a desk chair every night for up to a week (or more) just to avoid being in the same room with me. He was almost childlike in his behavior. I finally said, "screw this". I couldn't live like that anymore. http://www.liftedhearts.com

Yes, a lot of us have experienced the "blank" look. Speaking from the assumption that the blank look equals the silent treatment that you asked about, I'll reply to your question from that perspective. From personal experience, my XN always thought that he was sooo highly intellegent that others to include me, would not be able to help. We were not his equal. How do I know? Good question...he told me several times when he had that "blank" look and appeared to be troubled. I would ask him what was going on and he would tell that he was having "issues" with xyz and was working them in his head. I would offer to be the sounding board but he told me that HE would figure it out and that I could not possibly help him. The reason as the stated was "not to insult me but his intellegence was above average and he saw the world different then most!" LOL...I know, they workship themselves. I don't know if there is such a thing as "intellegent Ns" since they are "mis-wired." My XN certaintly thought and acted as if he was intellegent yet he did a lot of really stupid things. I could add a list of what I consider really stupid to make my point and proof beyond reasonable doubt that he is not so intellegent. Welcome to the family and keep posting your questions.

Yes, I have experienced this. I remember when I would go off on him on the phone and tell him how his behavior was hurtful, talking for about 2 minutes and then after I finish nothing but silence...and I would say "are you there?" and he would say "yes" but no emotion or reaction to what I said at all. Frustration is the one good word to describe a "relationship" with them. I always put relationship in quotes because it was not a real relationship.