Did all of that really happen? Or did I imagine it all?

I understand what you mean, sometimes I too wonder if I imagined it all. Maybe write down all of the bad things he ever did, odd behaviour etc...and make a list of the nice things he did. I think the things you remember will shock you. I did this to get my head around whether or not he was as bad as I thought or if maybe I was the one with the problem. My good list consisted of about 10 nice things he did over 5 years. The bad list consisted of some things I had burried and forgotten about, like lying about things, telling me I was dumb as shit, making me feel alone when I was in a relationship, etc. etc. They don't have to be huge things, but they all add up. The bad list was enormous. I think it is normal for us to remember the good, but the good was few and far between...our minds probably don't have enough room to remember all the horrible things they did to us. It is so much easier to remember the good. I have probably read your story, but I have read so many awful stories on here. Can you tell me a bit about what happened? I spoke to a friend tonight who lives in another state, she was really helpful and said gain some perspective....step outside of yourself and look at him and your situation as if you were a stranger, what would you advise a friend to do in this situation? It is so easy to get caught in our head, over analysing things....feel helpless and unable to move forward. The more we freak out about feeling helpless the more insane we feel. We were abused, and a trait of that is that we question if maybe we made it all up, was life really that bad with them, is it necessary to be in so much pain missing them, than being in a different kind of pain staying with them? I sometimes feel like I too have made a mistake, my life seemed fine, my relationship was going well, it hadn't fizzled out...I didn't see it ending so abruptly. I have heard nothing from my ex and I understand why you want to know that they cared, because I do too.

Be kind to yourself. Check out the forum, read books, info online. Knowledge is power right? Unfortunately even our very best friends may not understand what it's like to go throug a heartbreak w a N. It's not like a normal breakup, healthy, respectful with closure. With a N you never get closure bc it doesn't make logical sense. We wonder why and how? Know that you are not alone and it will get better.

I understand what you mean about friends not wanting to hear it. Mine change the subject quickly, or they say nothing or they tell me to move forward. it really is true that no one understands this unledss you go through it. IIIIIt's not a norman relationship or break up. It wrecks havoc in our heads. I go to thefrapy once a week and talk her ear off. It's 45 min and goes like that. Then I am back to not discussing things for another week. So I am like you. I come here, I visit Sam Vaknin's site, it's all online therapy but it really does help. You can always go to a bookstore to get out and grab a book on NPD and hang out and read. I do that also. The recovery is lonely for me. It's me and my laptop. I would love to meet someone in my area and hang out so we can share stories.

The way you feel is exactly how I felt for a while too. I think part of it is that they take so much of your energy that you only have enough to go through the motions. With time though, it comes back. The worst part is the fact that the memory of your vitality is there and so it feels like you are constantly reminded of what's missing. It's truly brutal, and when friends change the subject and tell you to get over it it just takes more energy to deal with the pain that can cause. This is a great place, and therapy is a good idea, if you get used to the idea. Therapy has become almost trendy, so feeling embarrassed could turn into being "cool" :)