Denial and confusion

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#1 Jan 15 - 3PM
totally confused
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Denial and confusion

I just read in a previous topic:

Narcissists hurt you to make themselves feel good. Because you don't count. You are a bug. You exist to be used by them to make themselves feel good. Since stomping you makes these mental three-year-olds feel mighty, they stomp you. And boy do they then feel grand".

I must still be in denial, but it seems so amazing to assimilate something like this from someone who tells you he really loves you and has never felt anything similar for a woman before ..

What I do know is that at the beginning, if he said something that hurt me, I would tell him and he would say sorry and apologize immediately, but when things started changing I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. My comments would just bounce back ...and nothing would get through.

He would either act defensively (do you want to fight about this ?), play the innocent ("I dont think you can look at my eyes and tell me honestly I said those things with the intention of hurting you") or he would just ignore my hurt (and the day after not even mention it) or dismiss my comments with a joke. Other times he would say it is easier to "demonise" me because it is a good distance regulator for you. The more I got out of him was "I dont want you to suffer" (but then he didnt ask me what he could do to avoid it)..

It left me feeling so frustrated ... Like there was no communication. But why didnt this happen at the beginning ? (he must have had empathy then if he knew he had hurt me and then reacted accordingly !).

I think this is what leads to so much confusion. And its incredible how much pain you can accumulate inside of you. I think it is the grief for that fantasy or image of the wonderful man he was at the beginning, and the beauty of what could have been.

And still I am so naive, when we had those wonderful moments and he told me they were the happiest moments of his life, he did seem sincere. And I cant help seeing his "suffering" part and that wounded child inside ... He said he really wouldnt mind dying.

Is this normal ?.

Jan 16 - 3PM
rache
rache's picture

confused

I think we all go through the denial/confusion of this,because,its so bizzare.I think my mother was a narc,and,thats why i tolerated this man as much as i did(conditioned).
Jan 16 - 9AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Confused

Of course you are confused. I struggled to reconcile the "abuse" with his professions that he "loved" me. It will drive one crazy. One has to focus on the man's "actions" & not on his "words." Mine said he loved me but he spit on me once & then denied that spitting was an expression of contempt. Now, I could believe him that he loved me & that spitting did not mean to convey contempt & that, really, being spit upon was no big deal. I was just being too sensitive. But, you & I & everybody here knows the truth . . . we do not spit on people we love & when human beings do spit, it is a primitive gesture of contempt which is universally known, transcends language. I spit on you in Mongolia, Nigeria, Germany, or Mississippi -- although I cannot say in these languages that I hold you in contempt -- the message is conveyed. Spitting would not be the way to convey to the person that I loved him or her. So focus on your dude's words if you want. Deny the reality of his actions. Of course, you will continue to be confused. I married a European. Luckily, we remained here in the States. So I was able to get away. Your dude . . . he talks just like my dude, my narcissist. It didn't happen in the beginning because he was reeling you in. He had to hook you fast & get you dependent because the "nice guy" mask is really difficult to maintain for a long time. These guys are "serial bullies"-- they need one woman at a time in the house to torture. There will always be a replacement. And they need a convenient supply for sex & other necessaries like food preparation, laundry, (money, possibly). And, they just do not like being alone because they are so empty inside. I know for myself, the realization that he was squashing me like a bug. That I was no more to him than a bug . . . was very difficult. But the fact that you even consider that to be a possibility means something is wrong. Or, you can be like I was . . . I started to think I was crazy . . . that I was paranoid. I wasn't. He was indeed systematically destroying me. Mine also said that he was happier with me than he had ever been in his life. Mine also threatened suicide after particularly abusive episodes . . . it's a way of deflecting attention off his abusive acts onto HIM & his pain, conveniently side-stepping the pain he has inflicted upon you. Mine even suggested once that both he & I commit suicide together! That's when I realized, I was nothing but an object to him. It took me 6 months to escape after that comment. And, in those 6 months, I was still not totally convinced of the correctness of my intuition that this man was squashing me like a bug. Leaving was very hard. But, it saved my sanity, dignity & self-respect. I have lost financially & emotionally. But, I no longer weep buckets of tears. I no longer live in fear for the next abusive episode. I am no longer used & abused for his gratification. Believe me, mine said all the things your's is saying. This is no coincidence. Go to the other board & write out your story. This way we can get a fuller picture of your situation.
Jan 16 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
rache
rache's picture

Agnesmurphy 17

YES! Exactly,mine said and did very similar things as you just mentioned yours did.He threatened suicide saying he wished he had the balls to pull the trigger of the glock he carries.whining he's not going to take the pills he needs daily to live.And yes! Spitting does show contempt.I have no personality disorder(tested)...but,one day when N and i were having it out-he called me a thief.I said do NOT call me that ever again.He called me a thief a second time.I said stop!!!!!!!!third time "THIEF! i spit at him.He slapped me so hard i tasted blood.He was driving and i slapped him back.Realizing ALL the good i had done for him and he slapped me -i slapped him a second time as hard as i could(shocked him)i left for good that day.Realizing it had excalated to a physically abusive level.
Jan 15 - 5PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You are confused because he

You are confused because he is all of those things. they suffer and often come from dysfunctional families as these disorders are genetic. he showed you a wounded child and you were empathetic and sympathetic. He also showed you prince charming and he could be that also but only intellectually not from the heart. He was putting his 'best' attitude forward. The vicious side probably is him. Narcissists do not have loyalty, empathy, sympathy, or respect. So when he saw you responding to his prince charming attitude and watched your loving looks at him, your kindness, whatever he then attacked. They have no appreciation, they don't feel any regret, or like consequences for their actions. He said he was sorry in the beginning because he wanted you to think well of him until he sprang the first trap. The get a feeling of power from controlling the emotions of other people. They spring the first trap, drop the level down, do the trap again, comfort you, trap, etc. It is a pleasure/pain experience and this leads to mind control. the person wants the pleasure part but never can continue with the pain indefinately so they leave. No Contact helps stabilize the pleasure/pain dynamic so that you are not just emotionally involved but your intellect kicks in and you can be more protective of your self. It is a hard thing to do but as of today it is the only answer. His emotional set-up is not like yours. You have normal emotional intelligence but he has very low emotional intellegence. They only really seem to express negative emotions from the heart. It is hard to digest because it seems so strange. There isn't a lot of education about the different forms of intelligence yet. This website is reaching out to victims but Lisa is also writting books to inform the public and opening a dialogue on how to prevent getting involved with these types. It is a traumatic experience and I hope by NO CONTACT you can lose denial and face the harm he is capable of and let him and the experience pass. Good luck the other side of this is much better.
Jan 16 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

I agree with Carolyn

"They only really seem to express negative emotions from the heart." However, I would say that the only TRUE emotions my narcissist ever felt was anger, rage & contempt. Everything else was acting. A mask. He would watch movies, go to the theater & read psychology books. Looking to learn the appearance of emotions so as to imitate. The more educated, refined, successful & well-employed -- the more dangerous. These are the "successful" sociopaths. The Bernie Maddoff's. The "nice" & "good" guys in public. The unsuccessful ones are less successful in the manipulation & end up in prison at an early age. The smart & educated ones can run their con-acts almost indefinitely. "they suffer and often come from dysfunctional families as these disorders are genetic. he showed you a wounded child" Carolyn may be right. But, she's being way too nice & kind. Who cares? We've all been hurt & wounded. No excuse. Who cares about who, what, where & why these guys were created. Not my problem. My problem is to get away ASAP. I have read widely & obsessively about Cluster-B personality disorders . . . this was to validate myself. To prove to myself that this man was really & truly seeking to destroy me. That I was not the crazy one (as he was always telling me), that I was not the stupid one (as he was always telling me). I read to validate that there was nothing wrong with me that there was really something wrong with him. Whatever it was . . . there is no cure, he will not change. We forgive mistakes, not patterns of behavior. There is a reason for his patterns of behavior, he's a Cluster-B personality disordered person. It's pathological, it's terminal. And that he can be so "nice" when he want to . . . means his acts are intentional. None of it makes any sense. It all only mankes sense to the Cluster-B because that's his reality. ANd he trys to shove his reality down my throat. If I try to deny my reality for his fragmented & disorganized perspective -- I will become confused & even crazy. That's because he's NUTS -- totally NUTS. However, they are not insane & that is why these dudes are so dangerous.
Jan 15 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
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totally confused

you are still in deep denial that it was ALL AN ACT. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANOTHER WORD HE SAYS/ SAID!!!!!!!! read: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/20/denial-and-its-power http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/01/why-do-we-remain-denial-so-long http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/28/should-i-react-way http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/24/he-said-communication-narcissists-not-possible http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/02/no-turning-back http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/12/abuse-changes-brains-victims you need to read the WHOLE blog. Have you discussed this with your therapist? ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 16 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
totally confused
totally confused's picture

confusion and denial

Barbara, Im scared of therapists. Just before meeting Prince Charming, I had come out of one of the most painful experiences in my life. I started therapy two years ago, because of problems in my marriage (depressive husband) and my 12 year old daughter having a severe depression, apart from long term problems like coming from an emotionally dysfunctional family (I think my father has narcissistic traits and my mother treated him like a victim and protected him). He told me I could trust him and for the first time in my life I found someone who could give me emotional support. In any case, looking back now, I think my therapist was a NARCISSIST !!!. After much research, I found out I developed something called transference (feelings for your therapist). It seems this is quite normal (especially in patients with emotional problems) and your therapist has to help you work through it and find out what lies behind it in your unconscious. However, I think he just took advantage of it to feed his own narcissistic ego. When I look back now, I think he never gave a s... about me he just liked the feeling of being admired, I suppose. When I finally managed to speak about my feelings and told him I thought the most honest thing to do was to stop therapy, he actually answered yes it is, with no further explanation. I was feeling so bad that I went back to confront him and tell him I had found out about something called transference, and he told me "he hadnt done anything wrong" and that I had to learn to "control my heart and my emotions" !!!. After that I was in total schock, the worst thing is that I stayed in touch with him and tried to transmit that I was suffering from something deeper than "infatuation" over him, but he just seemed to speak with me to boost his ego. I never received empathy or understanding from him. H became callous !!. I think I had some kind of betrayal trauma after this. I tried to go to another therapist for help, and she just told me the only problem with me was that I was "in an unhappy marriage and I fell in love with my therapist", which left me more confused and frustrated. A few moths after that I met someone who seemed Prince Charming ... In any case, Im in Europe and now Im scared to go to a therapist.
Jan 16 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

totally confused

a Couple bad experiences? I went thru three before I found a good one. Keep looking!!! Go to a DV Crisis Center and see if you can join a group (free) or get referrals. Not going is MORE DANGEROUS because your PTSD will become permanent and affect your health. Not all therapists are created equal. I can't, in good conscience, allow just this board to be your therapy. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website