So much loss
I have so much anger bubbling over inside me.. about the things I had I cannot get back..
The anger makes me so fierce sometimes. I get highly anxious and irritable and things go wrong..
This week I have had a car crash, my toilet over flowed and stinking poo water flowed through the floor and into my kitchen all over my crockery. And I had to get alternative lifts for my son for school and have had to carry a car seat around all week with a neck injury. It’s been just plain rubbish. All this on top of a month of scrabbling for money because exnh has not paid me any maintenance.
I am convinced my anger brings this all on. I feel like my intense anger manifests negative energy...
Does anyone else feel the ‘loss of themselves’
When I met him I was slim, attractive, happy in my own skin.
(I work on a sports campus and all the slim attractive young woman remind me of what I ‘think’ I have lost)
I paid my own bills, I was never wealthy but I took care of myself and I had that control.
I was healthy, I could run for hours and wore size ten jeans...
I had a nice social group and worked hard to bounce out the chaff... and find people who were good for me. (I had become aware back then of the toxic relationships that were no good for me... crazy isn’t it.. how did I not recognise this one coming)
I had a good routine and my life fitted.
God knows that never happened over night but at that very moment I was doing ok for myself.
My career was on path and I was doing what I needed to for the first time in my life.
I knew who I was and I was keen to do well.
I met him, a ex squatter with tales to tell about his anarchical lifestyle.
He bamboozled me with the magic of it all.
I gave him my everything.
Love, body, child, marriage etc etc... in less than 18 months too.
Now I feel v-old and v-tired. Moving is effort. I try ti train and keep fit but walking up stairs or just standing after crouching seems really hard to do...
I’ve lost friends who can’t stand him.
I have lost myself which is worse.
I am fairly plump and don’t feel that I am attractive anymore at all.
I love my son and I would never want to reject that part of my life but it means that I don’t have the freedom I used to have and if was in a good marriage with a good man it would not feel like a sacrifice. Do I sound selfish..?
It’s just that as selfish as it sounds on my beloved child, I wish I could go back in time and erase my exnh from my life...
I know you can’t go back and any number of outcomes could have happened if I had not met him...
AND... maybe I would have continued to have many low grade narc relationships and not wake up to it like I have done now but maybe just maybe and I know this is a completely hypothetical case scenario... I would have continued to get my counselling qualifications, become a brown belt in Kung fu, secured my own home on my own or evenmet a decent guy etc etc. What could my life have been like if I have never met him?
I need to let this go because there is little point dwelling on stuff I cannot change and I believe that if I can get fit again, find my career path again and retrace my steps that I shall look back and laugh, but man I just have such deep intense anger that resurfaces form time to time and it makes me feel so utterly crap.
Does anyone else feel like this, and ask the what if’s???