Deep intense anger at narc... anyone else feel deep resentment and anger?

So much loss
I have so much anger bubbling over inside me.. about the things I had I cannot get back..
The anger makes me so fierce sometimes. I get highly anxious and irritable and things go wrong..
This week I have had a car crash, my toilet over flowed and stinking poo water flowed through the floor and into my kitchen all over my crockery. And I had to get alternative lifts for my son for school and have had to carry a car seat around all week with a neck injury. It’s been just plain rubbish. All this on top of a month of scrabbling for money because exnh has not paid me any maintenance.
I am convinced my anger brings this all on. I feel like my intense anger manifests negative energy...
Does anyone else feel the ‘loss of themselves’
When I met him I was slim, attractive, happy in my own skin.
(I work on a sports campus and all the slim attractive young woman remind me of what I ‘think’ I have lost)

I paid my own bills, I was never wealthy but I took care of myself and I had that control.
I was healthy, I could run for hours and wore size ten jeans...
I had a nice social group and worked hard to bounce out the chaff... and find people who were good for me. (I had become aware back then of the toxic relationships that were no good for me... crazy isn’t it.. how did I not recognise this one coming)
I had a good routine and my life fitted.
God knows that never happened over night but at that very moment I was doing ok for myself.
My career was on path and I was doing what I needed to for the first time in my life.
I knew who I was and I was keen to do well.
I met him, a ex squatter with tales to tell about his anarchical lifestyle.
He bamboozled me with the magic of it all.
I gave him my everything.
Love, body, child, marriage etc etc... in less than 18 months too.
Now I feel v-old and v-tired. Moving is effort. I try ti train and keep fit but walking up stairs or just standing after crouching seems really hard to do...
I’ve lost friends who can’t stand him.
I have lost myself which is worse.
I am fairly plump and don’t feel that I am attractive anymore at all.
I love my son and I would never want to reject that part of my life but it means that I don’t have the freedom I used to have and if was in a good marriage with a good man it would not feel like a sacrifice. Do I sound selfish..?
It’s just that as selfish as it sounds on my beloved child, I wish I could go back in time and erase my exnh from my life...
I know you can’t go back and any number of outcomes could have happened if I had not met him...
AND... maybe I would have continued to have many low grade narc relationships and not wake up to it like I have done now but maybe just maybe and I know this is a completely hypothetical case scenario... I would have continued to get my counselling qualifications, become a brown belt in Kung fu, secured my own home on my own or evenmet a decent guy etc etc. What could my life have been like if I have never met him?
I need to let this go because there is little point dwelling on stuff I cannot change and I believe that if I can get fit again, find my career path again and retrace my steps that I shall look back and laugh, but man I just have such deep intense anger that resurfaces form time to time and it makes me feel so utterly crap.
Does anyone else feel like this, and ask the what if’s???

michele115's picture

I believe with every fiber in my body we will get ourselves back. Believe you will. It takes time.
Briseis's picture

Me too. Without reservation. This is not a faith issue, although it was at first. I am now MORE than I was when I had the misfortune to think I'd found the man of my dreams (turned out to be nightmares). Adversity, if you approach it with dignity and humility, can grow you up and beyond yourself like nothing else. Klarity Belle mentioned "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, a physician who was imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp. I can't do justice to his own words. He did not come out of that camp a broken man (except in body). His soul blazed forth, as if the concentration camp experience somehow was "good" for it. Yes, that sound almost sacriligious, but I'm standing by it. Compared to what we've gone through, or probably ever WILL go through . . . and a simple human being can come out of a concentration camp and write a manifesto about hope and beauty and meaning . . . oh boy, I want that :)
Scoop's picture

Hmmm my was an ex squatter with anarchic ideas to boot ... i am a socialist so that trumps any up start little squatter (who sells things to his family hmmm i wounder where it says that in the anarchist cook book eh?eh? full of shite ) the anger dose pass and in no way will youre karma be affected , he however will be affected by karma big time . In the stages of grief anger is a definate stage and one to go through weather we like it or not , it would be the same if he was a normal man who had died .. grief has its pattens and the only healthy way to handle it is to let all the stages happen when they happen ... the real marvel is we all experence grief the same , what ever culture we are ... isnt that amazing , i unique design just for humans .Keep traveling through the grief and know that it dose get better ... big love to you ... here ill draw a card for you ....eeek its "the devil" .. we all know who that is , the card shows a picture of a man and a woman in chains sitting next to each other but if you look closly all the man and the woman have to do is slip the chain off over their heads and walk away , it looks a desparate situation as the devil is trying to set fire to the womans leg but she can leave at any time . hmmm . have a lovely evening . xx .
Qing Yuan's picture

Bless u scoop! The fact that you reminded me that he tried to sell the shitty guitar to his dad for brother in prison really hit it home 2 me! Thanks so much! Ur a great friend to remeber this stuff back to me! I get a bad feeling when he is around that is difficuilt to shake off! The only time it numbs when he is around me is when I'm bit drunk! Its not axactly healthy is it! But yea I can Neva put my finger on it! What makes me feel so uncomfortable!!! But these little reminders of how selfish he is really does hit home! X thanks honey! XX
hooklineandsinker's picture

Yes my rage flares up a lot these days. I'm so bitter and angry that he reeled me in by painting this beautiful picture of our future life together and of his feelings for me, and then threw all my love back in my face a matter of months later. And that he's cheapened everything we had together by taking up with this boring, ugly hag so soon after me. I feel disposable and second-rate. He was the answer to all my prayers, or so I thought. I had been waiting for years to meet someone like him (the persona he presented, at least) and then not only does it turn out to be a dangerous trap, but I'm now stuck wondering whether I can ever trust another man again, or whether I will ever again feel so attracted to and "right" with another man as I felt with him. Plus he has robbed yet another year of my precious fertility. So yes, full of rage and wondering how I keep it in check most days.
Briseis's picture

We human beings are just selfish by nature . . . it's built into the system, and "more selfishness" means you are feeling very threatened. That is the way we are supposed to be, so don't beat yourself up for wishing for a Time Machine, even if it would mean your little boy wouldn't be here. Feelings are feelings, they aren't "reality", they just happen. They are signals from deep within that SOMETHING is very wrong. How much contact do you have with your exN? I wonder about this because to the degree you have contact with him, you'll have this backlash of resentment and anger. It sort of goes for even having a lot of obsessive thoughts about him (thinking about him constantly). It's practically like having contact with him. Sounds to me like something needs to change in your life. That's what the resentment and deep intense anger usually "mean" when a person feels them. Need for change.
mystwoman's picture

Oh yes, I feel this anger, too. I feel used, abused, and betrayed by my xnh in every possible way. It's sometimes very hard to even get my mind around all of the things that happened in my relationship with him. I have a lot of anger to work through. Like you, I have also thought, "I am convinced my anger brings this all on. I feel like my intense anger manifests negative energy..." Since my xnh D&D'd me in May, my dog has had cancer three times (never before xnh left), my autoimmune health problems have flared out of control almost constantly, my car cost me buckets of money for repairs, I hurt my ribs badly pulling weeds, I spent two days in the hospital for food poisoning, I broke my ankle in August walking my dogs, my leg is not healing at all because I have osteoporosis and I'm most likely going to have surgery soon so the bone can be pinned, I could not drive my car to get to work with a cast on my leg, I have had to trade it in on another one, and (party bonus!) I had to file a harassment complaint against my xnh at work because he wouldn't leave me alone. However on the positive side of my mess, my friends and family have helped and been so supportive to me in ways that I would have NEVER imaged, and I found this site so I'm now aware that I am NOT the only person dealing with a narc abusive relationship...I'm not alone. The people closest to me are the BEST. :) I, also, got through the D&D and divorce without my xnh impacting me financially much in any way. I retained sole ownership of my home, and he got stuck with every single penny of his massive debts. So even though I've had lots of hardship and pain since xnh dumped me, I am seeing some positive things in my life as well. Hugs.

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Qing Yuan's picture

I think the auto immune illnesses flare up when narcissitic people are in or have been in your life! These people are so deeply draining it's a wonder we can barely walk! My anger certainly reflects in my poor health and my poor treatment of myself through sheer dread and fear exhausts me even more! It's a great struggle as these people drain every drop of life force out! They live there lives erratically and chaotically and the innocent bystanders give unlimited resorces to them to exploit and abuse! It is immensly destabilising! I am tired if feeling so tired! :) thanks for sharing! I feel less alone in this anger today! XX
shortway's picture

Yes i feel this too...But you need to not let it eat at you...You will slowly get yourelf back..make it a promise to yourself...I never understand fully the quote"don't let him get the best of you"...but now i do...They don't own us..The yhave not taken our spirit..Center yourself..Yes i definetly believe in the energy we put in the world comes back to us...I was checking his facebook page and it only brought mewrath,pain,salt in my wound..the more I stay away and focus on my the more the universe it rewarding me..And little by little giving me back myself..I believe the universe or whatever doesnt want us to be with these men...therefore it won't give us the peace we want and wholeness until we are AWAY from these men..thats when the real peace and calm comes back...and that goes for the thoughts etc..
Susan32's picture

After I had met the OW, and after the D&D, I remember one of my friends asking, "Why won't you just let it go?" My response was that the ex-Psych was a TEACHER. I hadn't given myself to him bodily (thank God), nor had I gotten romantically involved with him... but there was that teacher/student relationship. Of course I was angry and resentful... and this friend aggravated it by saying I should NOT feel that way. It's natural to feel angry&resentful if you've been used. You've been profoundly abused--even if no physical abuse occurred. For me, the N/P was my teacher, in a position of trust. He wasn't my lover, he wasn't my boyfriend... but there was that respect&trust built in. He took advantage of the fact that he was an authority/mentor figure... a teacher who wanted to see his own student destroyed. That's what makes me sick. He had a morbid fascination with the prospect of me committing suicide (or attempting it) Thank God I did neither. I can understand the anger&resentment the abuse victims of pastors feel. Totally understandable.