Dear Self-Centered Narcissist Asshole
Dear Self-Centered Narcissist Asshole
Dear Self-Centered Narcissistic Asshole,
I am writing this to get this off my chest. Decongest and release all of the things that have been boiling in me over the past 13 plus years as a result of being in a relationship with your non empathetic ass. I loved you a whole lot more than you will probably know or understand. I tolerated so much of your bull shit, because I thought that showing you unconditional love would gain your love back. In the beginning you showed me a kind gentleman who was charming. Later you showed me another gentleman. How many times have I asked you for help? Weather I needed help with our girls, cleaning/maintaining the house or financially and you would have an “allergic” reaction (a tantrum) to the request I asked of you. Yet I am supposed to act like everything is okay when you want me to do something or want something from me. I am supposed to allow myself to be open and available to you to have sex with me as if everything is fine. Whenever I spoke to you about something that I was concerned with, my needs or desires, or important to me and especially if you did not agree. You would disregard it. I did not feel important in your life, as much as you were in mine. You would cut me off when I was speaking. You would dismiss what I said or find a way to put it back on me like it was my fault. You would emotionally, mentally, biblically and at times physically attack me and I would feel hurt and want to protect myself from getting damaged again. This did not allow me to feel safe or want to open up around or to you. I felt like I was walking on Egg shells. I never knew what would trigger any of your fits. My intention would be so far from what you thought. At times during casual conversation with you, I would wonder how we would go form 0-60 in 3 seconds. Asking myself why am I crying, feeling terrible, exhausted? At times I felt like I was lured into a trap with your charm. During any given conversation, you could disagree with something I would say and then ask me to prove it, ask me all these “when, where, who, what,” questions. I would answer, you would interrupt, deny, twist the history, or if you subconsciously found it to be true, you would flip the script on me and say that I am going out my way to prove that you are bad person. That, I am the problem. That, I must pick my battles. Was this argument worth our discontent? I would be then be left confused, exhausted, miserable and crying wondering WTF just happened? I thought we were having a casual conversation I did not know I was in a war zone. This in turn gave me PTSD (post trauma stress disorder). Later you would ask me things and I would not be sure how to answer, what is the proper response, the right answer. The right way to say this? The funny thing is you would even tell me, “you should of said this instead of that” and we would not be arguing right now.” I do believe it is not what you say but how you say it. For example, one could say, “COULD YOU PASS ME THE SALT PLEASE”, in a loud demanding voice. [this could imply that I have been patiently waiting a while and you should have automatically known that I need the salt]. This could be offensive. Or one could say, “Could you pass me the salt please? In a normal none aggressive tone [which implies just what it says with no offensiveness]. But this is not the case with us. It did not matter if I said it in a non threatening voice, mono tone, sweet, neutral voice. In order for you not to get offended I would have not to say it all, or say it the you wanted me too. Which I did not know how to because I am not a mind reader. Other times you may have been able to tell something was bothering me and ask me what’s wrong. I really did not know the reason for your asking, but at any rate I would think great I can exhale, no judgment zone, finally get this off my chest and guess what? Wrong, no it was trap. You really did not care to hear what I had to say. I find myself in a position I regret sharing. My feelings of hurt, concern or facts of concern are dismissed and not important enough for you to acknowledge. The cycle continues, back to square one. Feeling depressed, anxiety and dealing with PTSD. One minute you were saying great things about me, our relationship, your wonderful intentions in the future, selling me a fantasy life. Bringing up concerns that I tempted to get across to you. I say to myself finally, he gets it. The next minute your telling me I am an awful person, I don’t deserve to be in a relationship with a good man. Well I am tired of this roller coaster. Tired of feeling like this and must let this go. I love you, but if loving you is hurting me, I have to change things. I must begin the process of healing. Show myself self love, self unconditional love. I don’t know exactly what it is about you that played a part in this. But I do know that my brain chemistry changed. I used to be a happy and social person. But that changed over time, thoughts of suicide where coming as way to just end the pain. I want to live, for our children, for myself and for God’s purpose for me. I do not know how to make sense of your actions, but If I would take a guess I would say looking at the way your brain is wired is a start. So I am not going to take anything you said, done or did not to for me or to me personal. Perhaps you could not help it. The Good thing is I am doing what I can to change, heal and get better. You may ask, well why did I stay so long if you were such an asshole. I could give you a 101 reasons but that does not matter right now. What matters is I invest my time in my healing and dwelling on the past will not do that. So Good bye depression anxiety, PTSD and Good bye self-centered Narcissistic Asshole. Hello joy, love and the many other blessing God has in store.