Dear myself, what the f*** were you thinking?

I simply just hate him for all the things he did that left me hurting and questioning myself who I am for all the wrong reasons… It has still not fully sunken in what I have been going through with a person I called “the love of my life”. Things are slowly getting clearer, but I’m still have a mess inside clean up.

I fantasize of the most horrible things I’d take pleasure in doing to him – sorry, but true. Know that feeling?

And then the immense feeling of loneliness, knowing I will never receive the understanding and acknowledgement from him. Know that feeling?

The gut feelings from pretty much the very beginning that I neglected, and all the things I stood strong about within myself, the boundaries I let expand until implosion. The things I predicted out loud and didn’t stop and fully react to in the manner I should – and therefore lost myself. All the freaking things I put up with. Dear myself, what the f*** were you thinking?

I am the mother of a wonderful child at almost 9 y/o, but in the process I wasn’t able to be the mother he deserves as I slowly but safe lost myself. The guilt is killing me on that one!
I have had so much (and still have some) anger within.
I have been doing heavy drinking to paralyze both anger and feelings/frustrations.
I have had times of complete zombie-mode, just walking around in circles as one big question mark.
I have been isolating myself from the world, because I had nothing to offer.
I have cried so much that I was amazed of how much – once, while crying, I found myself laughing at the same time, because I found it ridiculous how I could cry so much.
I have reached out to wonderful family and friends to an extent, them being sick and tired of hearing more about the N – I fully understand! They love me and of course they have been hurting seeing my downfall. They want the best for me, and I love them for that, but I have not been able to offer the best for them - at all. And I feel so guilty.

The list is so long that I can’t comprehend it!

I look back at myself – who I was before I met the piece of s*** and I miss her! I miss her strength so much. She has come around more and more lately and I love her!

I’m on day 4 of NC (again, again). I shouldn’t have reacted to his attempts of bulls***!! Which OF COURSE only left me shaking my head in more frustration – it became such a drama!


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