The DEAL BREAKER--mini update

Hello!

I have not posted in a while but I have been reading almost every day. I have been trying to focus in my recovery.

So, it has been a full year since I began dis-entagling myself from the Narc. It was June 2012 and I never thought I could go one day of not even talking to him. I was so devastated, I cried not just a river but several oceans. It has been a long, long road. Every step, every mistake, every hoping, every wishing, every wanting and etc. we're all necessary in my journey to get me where I am today. No, I am not completely healed but I am now in a much better place.

THE BIG D and D happened oN my b-day, over a month ago. During this time, against my better judgment, I thought I could handle being friends with him again. So, we started communicating again after several months of being NC and occasionally responding to his hoovers. I do not want to go into detail on how I allowed him to reject me gain on my b-day but as what Goldie said in one of our sessions, that was the catalyst and the DEAL BREAKER for me with my continuing association with this Narc.

I hurt so bad, going thru another painful rejection, shame ( not feeling good enough) and humiliation on my bday that as I was lying there, I told myself I cannot put myself through this awfulness again! So, I joined Goldie's group. I also went home. I received lots of love and support from family and friends. However, I told myself, I also need the love and support from ME. The mods, such as Hunter and other members were saying that this is an inside job. One of my friends also told me that I was just afraid to finally do the work on me. I finally took those words to heart.

Since that day (my bday), and I can only speak upto this moment, I had not struggled not even one second with NC. It could change tomorrow or next week. I have broken NC a lot of times before but now I can truthfully say, I no longer wish or even hope to hear from this N. That Last D and D was the best thing that could have happened to me in this experience.

Do I still get sad? Yes, in fact this morning I had a good cry but this was more on what I had lost aka my sense of self, my confidence. I am crying more for me and what I allowed to happen to me but hey, we all did the best we could have done at that time with what we knew ( or not knew) during our time with the N.

But what is good in my life right now? A year of stepping out of the box. I made lots of new friends. I traveled. I cried. I laughed. I smiled. I learned a lot. I learned to be alone and relish my ME time. I definitely have boundaries. Most of all, I am no longer attracted to jerks, assholes or people that are not available.

Lastly, I want to thank you, my online friends for your generosity in sharing your experiences, insight and wisdom. This community has really helped me in my recovery. I will be staying close to the forum especially in Julu because he will be back here in the US before moving overseas again. Fortunately, we do not live in the same state, just going to be in the same coast. I reAAlly give kudos to the ones that had to see their Ns at work or in their neighborhood. Keep staying strong and holding your heads up high!!!

Lots of hugs from the bottom of my heart,

Not-this-time