The Path Forward Virtual Retreat Febuary 2021!



days I want to go back so the pain goes away

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#1 Apr 4 - 10AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

days I want to go back so the pain goes away

There's days now I want to contact him so bad and have a lot days now more than ever that it's very hard. I just want the pain to go away. I want that drug! That feeling I get when there's contact and the pain is temporarily gone. It's a high! I'm having a day like this today and it's a minute by minute struggle. His birthday is tomorrow and his boat is out this week. I'm freaking myself out and thinking of him. Wondering who he is with...etc.
I need your strength today because I don't feel I have any. I had to put my phone in my car. I don't want to be near it today.
Hugs
Happy

Apr 6 - 8PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Happy

I'm sorry you are having such a setback...but you do know that the reality is that the pain won't really go away now that you know the truth and the blinders are off... I wish you strength and peace and calm during this moment. He is PAIN...it won't go away...that is the illusion speaking to you. Hugs....
Apr 6 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Happy

Still want to wish this idiot a happy birthday?? How are you feeling about this post now? He's a Narc Assclown :) ( that's my favorite) Idealk
Apr 6 - 12PM (Reply to #96)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

idealk

He is a narc assclown and I am SOOO glad I didn't wish him a "Happy Birthday". 8-)
Apr 6 - 11AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

hugs happy

I remember your story from a few months ago. I'm sending you a hug from far away. :=) Something that dawned on me today. Really dawned on me. Why do many of us MISS these people? Why do we stay with these people? I think for me. If I'm totally honest. I grew up with someone who berated me and verbally abused me...for years. In my esteem forming years. (10 yrs of age +) I didn't have a positive role model, after my dad passed away. This man took over. He made me feel so small. It is quite easy to believe those horrible words about myself, out of the mouth of men. But what's more. I yearn for an apology from the guy who hurt me growing up...that I will NEVER get from him. So, when men (narcs) treat me the way he somewhat did...when they apologize? I'm on cloud nine. For a moment, I'm taken back so many years ago, and that little girl feels vindicated. But, it's a lie. Because the guy I wanted to hear it from, will never say it. He's not even in my life anymore. So, I could go through 1000000 narcs...and hear I'm sorry. (empty words for a narc to say) And it will never erase the pain of my childhood. And THAT. Is what I need to work on. Thank you God, for helping me see this today...and bless you Lisa for creating this board for us.
Apr 6 - 12PM (Reply to #94)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Deidre40

I'm very sorry you had to edure that as a child. It's hard enough as an adult now for us to do this. We will keep going and learn as we go. 8-)
Apr 5 - 3PM
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

i changed my number. it cost

i changed my number. it cost me $10. probably the best $10 i spent, but i also had to tell everybody about my new number. people asked why, change my number for my insurance cos, profiles online (banking etc) etc etc. still a pain. but it also keeps me from making calls to my N from this phone because i don't want him to have it. once he does, i know that if i wanted to change it again, i would have to shell out another $10 and tell people again and go through that again. this helped me. just wanted to throw it out there. now if could figure out how to change my email address w/o losing 10 years of stuff, i would.
Apr 6 - 11AM (Reply to #88)
ewa
ewa's picture

How to change email adress. I

How to change email adress. I think if you really want to do it do it. You can explain people that you get so much junk to your email account that you needed to change it. Ask them to email you to your new email address. And slowly start moving all the important emails. One day you will notice you dont go to old account anymore and that there is no new emails arriving apart of spam, this will mean its time to remove it. I think everything is possible (maybe apart of this that N will change ;)
Apr 6 - 12PM (Reply to #89)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

ewa

He has my work email address. My therapist told me to not even try to change things because my narc is very clever and if he sees I've changed things it could find out anyway or worse, show up at my front doorstep fuming. She's told me to not look and not respond. These are hard to do. I'm going to keep trying and hopefully he's done.
Apr 6 - 4PM (Reply to #90)
Epiphany
Epiphany's picture

Email

Happy, I work in IT. 1.5 years ago when we were broke up he was emailing me at work and being a big dick. It was upsetting and getting in the way of my job. One email after another of abuse. I showed them to my boss and asked to please block him. Most businesses have filters for email and can block anyone from emailing you. If you have an IT deptartment send them his email address and ask that it be blocked. It takes 60 seconds. Although the minute mine got his return that he'd been blocked he moved onto my personal email. In my case there were legal and financial issues so I saved every one of his emails. It was clogging up my email. To deal with that I just got a seperate email account I only used with him. This week I closed it. Even though I am told it will not close immediately, I put up my vacation reply: Dear Hoover, Go suck the life out of someone else. I'm done with you and your abuse. I never have to check it again. Email away loser and while that account is open he will get that message over and over and over again until the account closes. Personally it would give me great joy to think he was emailing without a response (like how it feels A HOLE?) but at this point I'll go outside and sniff some fresh air, that'll give me about the same joy. I was so afraid to close all these doors. SO afraid. What IF he tries to contact me again? I think for many of us that glimmer of something, whether it be we truly you havent given up hope or the validation of knowing he's trying to contact us. I don't know. It's so hard. It's email and phone and if these creeps want to get ahold of us they will try. They are crafty. I think it's important to send that message you are not accessible. I've changed my number only to give it to him a month later, etc. I don't answer any calls from any number I don't recognize anymore. If it's important then they'll leave a message. He's tried this trick with me too. Hugs.
Apr 6 - 8PM (Reply to #91)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Jaded

Thanks for this! I'm hoping to maybe change jibs soon and then he won't know my new email. It just sucks to have stuff happen at work. Thanks! Happy
Apr 6 - 8PM (Reply to #92)
Epiphany
Epiphany's picture

You're welcome

They're not so smart. It's when you one up them, well, they hate that. We one up them everyday. We feel, we love, we think. We're alive. We win.
Apr 5 - 2PM
Epiphany
Epiphany's picture

I hate this feeling

I love that someone else has to remove their phone. My car isnt even far enough away. If I'm feeling weak I will leave it at work!!! Even if I might need it I'm not taking this chance. There is nothing that's going to happen besides me breaking NC. If my house catches on fire someone close by will call 911. :)
Apr 5 - 2PM (Reply to #86)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Jaded66

Yep! I was following my gut telling me to get rid of the thing or I could be tempted. It's good we know our weaknesses i guess. Kudos to you for doing the same!!
Apr 5 - 12PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I like Neverlookback's quotes

Please reread this if you get tempted, it kinda says it all. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY you sick predator I hope you choke on the candles you blow out or you catch on fire from them." "You are being too nice and sentimental Happy 1, and God love ya that is only a testament of the kind, loving, giving person that you are" "There is no sentiment when it comes to these disturbed individuals, throw it away, just like the love we gave them they threw away, and betrayed." REMEMBER!! REMEMBER what he did to you!! REMEMBER how often he hurt you!! REMEMBER, don't forget!! God bless, Goldie
Apr 5 - 1PM (Reply to #84)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

goldie

Thanks! HAPPY BIRTHDAY you sick predator I hope you choke on the candles you blow out or you catch on fire from them." I LOVE IT!! 8-) I will try to not forget what he has done to me. I need to log more and write more on what he's done. It's way to easy to forget on days like these. I threw out my journal when he moved in and had everything in there. I will create a new one now that I see I can still have these curve balls. Happy 8-)
Apr 5 - 12PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU SICK F

Many reasons I stay NC: Trust me I want to call him soooo bad but here are just a few things that would happen: First I dont think he would even answer my call, seriously and that would REALLY put me over the edge, and if he did answer he would be NASTY, and say something very very hurtful to me, something like, gee where have you been have you found someone new to F around on behind your husbands back? This is how he is and this is how his brain thinks, because thru the relationship he rubbed it in many times how I was a sneak and liar and cheater, they are sick clever bastards, he will do the ol shift blame guilty trick on me, or he could do this: What the F are you calling me for? or he could show his fake concern, where have you been, I have been worried about you, then the punishment would come he would see me and WAMO, he would punish and hurt me so bad it would do me in. So quite frankly these fears stop me from ever contacting this bastard, and what would it accomplish, I would be the one that would get further hurt and devalued. I remember a time when I didnt talk to him for 10 days and finally I answered and he said, YOU BETTER ANSWER, for a minute there I thought you found someone else to F, so you see ladies I have gone NC for three months, that is the point of NO RETURN I guess my only response to anything cruel he would say would be, I see you are still a psychopath and hang up but it would be futile, he would just laugh it off and be further pissed. When I changed my number I knew he was saying, huh, she wont last a month, she will be calling begging me to take her back but I am going to make her work for it. Well I gave him a little surprise now didnt I? Its been three months of hell for me but he will never know it, and I told him with NC, TO GO TO HELL and that is where he belongs and that is where he lives and that is where he came from when he entered my life. I WON, he LOST, I beat him at his own sick game. Who gives a rats ass about their birthdays, REALLY? That was just a day that a psychopath was born into the world that about destroyed my life, ya HAPPY BIRTHDAY you sick predator I hope you choke on the candles you blow out or you catch on fire from them. You are being too nice and sentimental Happy 1, and God love ya that is only a testament of the kind, loving, giving person that you are. There is no sentiment when it comes to these disturbed individuals, throw it away, just like the love we gave them they threw away, and betrayed. I sound bitter but I have come too far to look back and want to wish a psychopath happy birthday, I dont wish him happy ANYTHING. I cultivated indifference I dont care if he lives or dies, if he prospers, thrives or fails. I just want to bring you back to reality honey, because that will keep you NC and THAT will save you in the end
Apr 5 - 4PM (Reply to #78)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

3 Weeks For Me

I've been NC for 3 weeks and he probably can't believe I didn't cave and try to contact him in SOME way, even though he sent me a text telling me to never contact him again in any way! Do you think he meant it? Or was it a challenge? After the BIG D & D 9 weeks ago, while I was still venting and getting things off my chest with him and trying to get closure, I sent several emails and texts, which he answered, about everything that had transpired between us, how much he hurt me, blah, blah, blah. I would send him links to songs on YouTube describing what he was putting me through and how much he devastated me. This was BEFORE I knew as much as I now know about handling the Narc. At that point I wanted him to feel some kind of remorse and guilt for what he'd done to me, but we all know they don't feel any remorse or guilt about anything, I was just feeding his ego even more. The following quote came from the Alexandra Nouri Blog posted earlier, "So. You're In Love With a Narcissist" and we all need to pay attention: "Memorize this: Knowing you’re miserable without him is as satisfying to him as having you with him." This was very enlightening for me. I would like to get to a place some day that IF he calls me, and IF I'm tempted to answer, that I say "Who is this?" with all seriousness and believability. And if he shows up at the place where my friends and I go to hang out the next time I'm out there to visit them (which is possible if he catches wind that I'm in town), that I look at him blankly and say, "Do I know you?" And turn and ignore him. That's what I'd LIKE to do, but at this point, I would probably try to kill him!
Apr 6 - 5PM (Reply to #82)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Smitten!!!

Three Weeks! That is a major accomplishment...keep it up! Hugs...
Apr 6 - 10AM (Reply to #79)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

smitten kitten

What you said is so true about how they are more satisfied knowing we are miserable than being together. I cried on the phone with my narc yesterday and he knew he could make me unhappy. I'm sure he is on cloud nine today, but I have to let it go. It sucks!
Apr 6 - 11AM (Reply to #80)
ewa
ewa's picture

Happy who cares if he is on

Happy who cares if he is on coloud nine :). It does not really metter what he thinks. The only person important is you, he is a loser he can think whatever he wants :)
Apr 6 - 12PM (Reply to #81)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

ewa

You're right and I'm feeling better now. 8-)
Apr 5 - 12PM (Reply to #76)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

NLB

Good Sound Advice! Wahooooo, we are the champions! Idealk
Apr 5 - 12PM (Reply to #77)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Ideal

you crack me up, we are the champions of the world, just like that song by queen, ha ha ha Wahoooo mountain dew, there is my stupid humor for the day, happy birthday, indeed choke on your candles you ass hole I am sorry you were ever conceived to come into the world to destroy others, the day satan was born Leave this one alone, because he is BAD TO THE BONE
Apr 5 - 12PM (Reply to #72)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

neverlookback

You're right! Yours and mine would be a complete jerk for calling them. It doesn't do any good. They're not real! They're sick and inhuman. Bitter is good and I hope to get some of that to rub off on me again. I prefer bitter over sad. Thanks!
Apr 5 - 3PM (Reply to #75)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Happy

Add my Jerk to the ASSHOLE list!!
Apr 5 - 12PM (Reply to #73)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Your welcome

I gave you a little TOUGH LOVE, and I am not good at doing that, because I like to be babied when I am hurting and the person giving me tough love is coming off like a total non caring person, it took TOUGH LOVE to get me to go NC and one day I hope I can see her in person to thank her for giving me the courage and strength to finally cut him from my life. She finally had to say, what the hell are you doing, COME ON GIRL, this person is Fucking SICK and does not deserve the dirt you walk on and you LET HIM do this to you? WHY? She got firm with me and actually made me feel like an idiot for throwing my life away on a disturbed person she made me see all the great and wonderful things I was that I lost along the way. Mine was a Sheriff so she always called him Drew Petersen, but she always called him GARBAGE she said he didnt even deserve to be called what his true name was. I was looking thru the channels to watch something on tv last night and there was a movie called SCUM, ha ha I said, oh a movie about my psycho is on, this is the frame of mind you have to get yourself in. scum, garbage, that is what they are in true character you hold on to that NC you lost NOTHING and will gain so much in the end
Apr 5 - 1PM (Reply to #74)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

neverlookback

Yes! Tough love is much appreciated to whip my butt back to reality that he's not the nice guy that keeps popping in my head today. He's SCUM like the movie title. 8-)
Apr 5 - 7AM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know what you're talking

I know what you're talking about. I used to have this terrible anxiety when we were still "together" (long distance) and we'd had a fight or something and weren't talking. Any lack of contact for even a short amount of time created anxiety in me that would only subside when I talked to him again. Even if our conversation erupted into an argument, I would feel better than when we were trying to ignore each other. He was addicted to his supply and I was addicted to him. Hang in there and stay strong. It does get easier, although it goes up and down a lot, rather than a continuous steady improvement. I've been NC 3 weeks now and some days are better than others, some are still terrible. But I am making progress nonetheless.
Apr 5 - 7AM (Reply to #64)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

smitten kitten

Thank you! Yes, that's exactly it! It's almost like any contact is the fix. I have to get past the urge today to wish him a "happy Birthday". I will but it's not easy. I guess we all woudn't be here if it were. Thanks for your support.
Apr 5 - 11AM (Reply to #69)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Smitten Kitten and

Smitten Kitten and Happy1......that is exactly how it was for me too! Such a feeling of anxiety when we were not speaking....immediate relief of that once we spoke again. Just like an addiction or fix...ick! Stay strong Happy1....I would hate to see you have a setback! hugs for you today ~KG