Day after major holiday. How did you all do with NC?

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#1 Nov 25 - 1PM

Deidre40

Day after major holiday. How did you all do with NC?

I rec'd an email from him, wishing me a happy thanksgiving, and saying he missed me. Riiiight. lol

I didn't reply. NC is effortless for me, now. It's not a struggle. But, I still like to come here and share my stories, in hopes they give a glimmer of hope to others who may be struggling. I remember when NC was a chore. But, once you stick with it, it becomes as automatic as brushing your teeth. I was tempted to reply yesterday, as the holidays can leave us feeling...perhaps, like letting our guard down. But, we mustn't let our guards down with our ex n's. Too much room for havoc to begin again.

So...how did you do yesterday, if you celebrate Thanksgiving? Thought of you all a lot.

#2 Nov 26 - 7AM

IncognitoBurrito

Alright

I did perfectly fine, maintaining NC, and had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family. Then, last night. I dreamt that I broke NC! Creepy. Oh well, on with the day.

#3 Nov 26 - 2PM (Reply to #23)

Deidre40

IB

BRAVA...JOB WELL DONE!!

#4 Nov 25 - 8PM

Looking Ahead

Same here Diedre40

I also rec'd a "Happy Thanksgiving. All my best to you and your family" text (gag). Like you, I find it easy now to resist the urge to reply. Of course I did not. The weird thing is that later in the day he also sends a "Happy Thanksgiving" text to my SISTER. He didn't like my sister and brother-in-law at ALL. They are wonderful people, but he was extremely jealous of their success, how close I am to them (and the rest of my family), etc. Why he would send her a text is very strange. She didn't reply back to him either. Although I don't receive messages from him often, you'd think that he'd finally just give up and go away since I never respond to them. Whatever. Hope you all had a wonderful Turkey Day!!!

#5 Nov 25 - 9PM (Reply to #19)

Deidre40

How interesting he sent a

How interesting he sent a message to your sister. lol Wonders never cease with them. I honestly think that they do these things, for attention. Even if we don't reply...THEY are somehow in control they feel by 'popping up' in our email, phones, etc. Really, after reading your post here, it sort of clicked in my head. Good for you for staying NC. :=)

#6 Nov 25 - 9PM (Reply to #20)

Looking Ahead

You're so right...

You're so right Diedre40. Even though I didn't reply and immediately deleted his text, he probably still feels some control and satisfaction by just popping into my life for even a brief moment. And that really pisses me off. Lol! But I DO know the "no response" bugs him. He'll figure it out in due time that I'm not gonna budge. =)

#7 Nov 25 - 9PM (Reply to #21)

Deidre40

Amen! Good for you!! It feels

Amen! Good for you!! It feels good to be convicted with NC. Not just struggling along with it, knowing it's the right thing. lol I remember those early days with NC. Ugh. I really think it's true. The control thing. I changed my cell number. Found out he was trying to get through to that number, in text. This friend of mine who told me this, she called my home number, and left me vm msgs to this effect. I never returned her calls. And of course, I never texted him. So...fast forward to recently. He decides to email me. Then, I didn't reply. Then, he comes up with an alias email addy...and emails me. See the pattern? NO RESPECT OF BOUNDARIES. He knows I'm not interested anymore, but he has to keep pushing. He can't stand that he has lost control. For every woman, dontcha know (he told me) chased him forever...after he dumped her. Not this girl, dude. not this girl. I win. He loses. This game. ;)

#8 Nov 25 - 4PM

needing2know

Spent my Thanksgiving with my

Spent my Thanksgiving with my parents and kids, didn't have one ounce of stress trying to hurry up my day. it was so peaceful, I finally for the first time in a very long time even years actually seen the beautiful colors of fall and the color of the sky, heard birds singing, things I never have payed much attention to in the past, knew they were there but never took the time to actually see and listen, it was very nice! After dinner my mom and my daughter and I tackled the Black Friday sales lol we left last night at 7 and finished at noon today lol It was a long night!! lol But I really enjoyed myself! For the first time in years. I am ready to decorate the house for Christmas , something I hated doing in the past because my first ex hates the holidays and my current exN always made stupid ass remarks about how I did things, as you might guess it wasn't up to his standards! Don't have to worry about any of that this time. I decided I am no longer NC he is, I will not make an effort to contact him like I always did and wanted to in the past, I am going to live life one day at a time and do my own thing. I was kinda disappointed that i didn't get a Happy Thanksgiving from him , don't know why because he never said it in the 7 yrs we were together and we never spent that day together in 7 yrs. I guess a part of me was hoping he at least thought about me you know? I have a long way to go and my whole life to get there, but I will be better and I will do better.Found out he didn't even go see his parents this yr with his kids so I don't know if he is just shutting everyone out or what. I hope you all had a wonderful day and not too stressful if you were alone, If you were alone I am so sorry I wish we could have all spent this one together it would have been very interesting to say the least, I think it would have been a blast!

#9 Nov 25 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

Deidre40

I honestly think they live in

I honestly think they live in a miserable world, that they have created. To say 'happy thanksgiving,' 'happy birthday,' or whatever else...it usually is coming from a place of ...hoovering. Baiting. I don't believe they truly and genuinely wish anyone a happy anything...for they're not happy at all. So, at best, it's fake...at worst, it's a hoover/baiting attempt. It is a good thing to not hear from him, for you won't have to play that tape in your head, wondering what and why he did this. I honestly will say, I didn't analyze the email yesterday, like I would have post-breakup. Now, I read it. Smiled. And moved on...deleted the message. I smiled because I have closure. Closure for me, is knowing, he won't ever change. Even if he goes on to marry again (he's been married multiple times)...he won't be happy. Not that I wish unhappiness for him. But, it shows me, that I didn't imagine his illness/disorder. He's disordered. Only the disordered would keep commiting the same offenses, to multiple people. And my ex N just doesn't offend women. He offends everyone. Male, female. If you're not a part of his fan club, he will hurt you. thanks for sharing. I think you are doing great. :)

#10 Nov 26 - 2AM (Reply to #11)

empath

deidre40

Your entire post is so spot on, I just wanted to back up to the point you made about the "fan club"...they do seem to have their dead loyal locked in brainwashed supply chain, don't they? I didn't see it for what it was when I was a part of it, it only served to cinvince me of what a "great guy" he was, to have all these loyal servants. Boy was I ever fooled. All the more so by hearing the tales of "why" they were so loyal to him...all the crumbs he tossed to all those people...male and female...to cultivate an admiring throng of followers. And all of the things he did were truly crumbs, given his resources and what he could've afforded to give them.

#11 Nov 26 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

Deidre40

It used to mystify me, too.

It used to mystify me, too. But, interestingly, when I was in contact with the minions (fan club, mutual friends, etc)...one by one...started to wake up and see him for who he was. Right before I changed my cell...one of them told me he dumped a slew of them off his FB. (He did this often when we were together...he'd unfriend those who weren't obeying him most likely, or laughing at his antics, etc) So...you see. The fan club, eventually wakes up, and gets it...like we did. That's a very joyous day indeed, because that was my hardest struggle. Leaving him, and wondering what all those people saw in him...and he kept feeding them lies about me. There's an old saying, but a good one. If someone talks to you about others in a bad way, eventually, you'll be the one they're talking about. Gossips, and hate mongers...they attract a following, but only for so long. I believe in all of us is the capacity to do evil, but the capacity to do good. Evil without good...yin without yang, is boring. I think the fan club wakes up to the fact that a narc's friendship is truly meaningless, unless? IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM/HER! :+D

#12 Nov 26 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

empath

Deirdre

What I think it all comes down to, is learning to trust your own opinion over that of someone else's. I realize how much I was influenced by the "fan club", and then I realized after I got out that none of those people's opinion should weigh heavier than my own...even collectively...as I know the truth of my experience with the N. I was a loyal and devoted servant...just as they still are...and I feel a sense of regret for them, because I do know their day will come when they too "wake up" and see how much they have given in return for so little. It is a sad and stark moment of realization, and there is one person in particular in his "inner circle...another male...who has been so heavily influenced by the N that it's almost as if he's given up himself in order to exist as an extension of the N's grandiose persona...I could never understand how that person would take time away from his wife and their new baby, in order to "serve" the N's needs...and now I do understand it. It's not that the N is worthy, it's that the people around them truly are brainwashed and under their spell...and when the n is able to assemble a group of loyal subjects like that, it makes the job of brainwashing even easier...the group strengthens the collective mindset of the group, without the N having to do much to reinforce the beliefs.

#13 Nov 26 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

Deidre40

empath

I just want to thank you for sharing this! You have no idea how this helps to read this. It's comforting to know, I wasn't alone in dealing with these feelings, during my healing process. Yes...the day will come. It's come for some. They see, what I saw. Now, they know I wasn't the crazy one he made them think I was. No longer matters to me...but I think the greatest thing I've learned, and now value...is what you say here. MY OPINION matters the most. If something or someone doesn't seem 'right' to me...then, I back away. I don't care if everyone loves the person, and holds them up on a pedestal, WHAT I THINK OF THE INTERACTION WITH THE PERSON, MATTERS MOST. This was a heavenly revelation, I have to say. lol While I am strong in many areas of my life, I always tended to seek the approval of others...even if that meant, kissing up to the narcs in life, whoever they might be, but no more. Now, I only have people in my life OF MY CHOOSING. It's a great moment in time, isn't it? My life will be made up of my choices, now. People in it will be who I like. Not who someone else likes. And often, the minions don't like the narc they worship at all. They are merely afraid of pissing off the narc, because they see how he tries to destroy whoever gets in his/her way. So, it's all good, now. It's all crystal clear now to me. Thank God for this site, or I might still be lost in the narc fog. :=)

#14 Nov 26 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

empath

Deidre

I apologize for mistyping your name before! Yes, it is our opinions that should matter most to us, and thank God for this site. I am trying to think of what that group dynamic is called....remember reading something about it earlier on this year....I think it has something to do with learning by "mirror neurons" and there is something called the "hundredth monkey effect"...and what you had brought up about others in the minions having witnessed the Ns vengeance towards others...that is part of how cults are formed, and how dictators come into power...they let others bear witness to an act of horrifying cruelty, and it conveys the message that they too could be on the receiving end of such mercilessness, so they bond (trauma bond) to the N, to avoid incurring such wrath. We all wake up and "see" according to our own schedule. For you and for me and for others here, we were ready to accept the truth of our situation. For others in the Ns minions, they are still spellbound, and as anyone knows, when you are locked into a belief about someone or something, no one else could convince youotherwise, if you are not ready to question your beliefs.

#15 Nov 26 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

Deidre40

empath

This may sound weird, but empath...I love how you write. How you share your feelings. I really come away from reading your posts...'getting' where you're coming from. you write so well; could read your things all day. lol :=) Regarding what you said...that's fascinating! I think that when we look at the likes of a Hitler...how someone so demonic and insane and psychopathic could reign for years over an entire region of the world...we see how these things happen, when we learn about a narc's effect on people. It's on a smaller scale with our ex's...but the effects/results are the same. They seem to brainwash people...and another thing I wanted to point out for others healing here. STAYING NC HOLDS THEM ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. EVEN IF THEY DON'T APOLOGIZE, THEY KNOW THEIR SHIT DOESN'T WORK WITH YOU. Here's an example. I remember when I was dating the narc, and we belonged to a website. He would say horrible things to other posters there, and the posters would be shocked. They'd tell him off. N would never apologize. The next thing you'd know...the people who he insulted, would be kissing his ass, laughing at his stupid antics, etc...and I'd be like huh? I'd ask him...did you apologize? He would say...nah, they know I'm right. With me, he is stunned, I do believe this, largely because he's pursuing me again, hoovering, whatever you want to call this latest batch of emails. He is stunned that I have held him accountable. He will not trample on me. He will not call me names and insult me, and I lap it up like all the minions...and come running back. NOPE. I stood up for myself. It's interesting when you get this far in healing. THIS IS WHY I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE YOU ALL TO STICK WITH NC...NO MATTER HOW MANY TEARS YOU HAVE TO SHED...NO MATTER HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IT IS...NO MATTER HOW MUCH PAIN IT CAUSES...because when you get through the tough part of NC...you come away learning so much. Not only does the narc fog lift, but life is truly better. Richer. You are in control again. You learn how to stand up for yourself...not just with the ex N, but with others too. I don't wish such a relationship on anyone with the guy I dated for a short time known as the narc. But, I tell ya. It taught me a lot about me. And the experience changed my life for the better. Strange how I can see that, now.

#16 Nov 27 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

empath

thank you!

Aww, Deidre...somehow I didn't see this comment of yours until now and that is very kind of you to say! I don't think what you said is weird in any way because you are also an empath. There are quite a few empaths here, and those with the same types of empathy naturally tune in and recognize each other. There are some very empathically sensitive and gifted individuals on this forum and I feel what they write too because their words are written "from the heart". Your words are very much appreciated. Knowing that something you've shared is helpful to another...that turns this experience around, and allows you to make something good come out of it. :-) What you've said here has really got me thinking...made me realize how much time I spent "feeling" for the N. How exhausting it was to juggle and try to make sense of all those garbled emotions they have! The N I was with is totally manipulative and exploitive and blames everyone for everything. Nothing was ever his fault in any aspect of his life, it was always someone else who had wronged him and he also had everyone trained to jump through hoops to make amends with him. I was so convinced that he was always being treated unfairly and would go out of my way to be kind and understanding of him...and always give him an "out" because I knew how much he was hurting. It took me a very long time to understand how I could feel how awful he felt and feel that those feelings were genuine... in light of what I know now about NPD and the realization I came to is that it was because he really did feel all of those awful feelings, and really did have himself convinced that he was always being wronged by others! Those feelings of his were genuinely his, and genuinely dark. The only time he was ever joyful would be when he was having sex, and the joy came from the boost to his ego for "a job well done" and also because of that being his way of exacting revenge on whatever woman he was angry with at the moment...whether it was his wife, or someone that shrugged off his advances or even me...as I am sure he screwed around with anything that would hold still long enough. I never could understand all of that. He surprised me once by saying that he and I always had a love/hate thing going on....I didn't understand what he meant by that, because I felt like I had always been very loving towards him...I didn't realize until after I had left, how much he hated me for loving him!

#17 Nov 25 - 3PM

gratefuljen

It's not an option - Thank you Lisa and all the girls!

I broke it a couple of times in the beginning, just mean texts. I felt like shit, after, it messed with my healing. And to tell you the truth Hunter finally said the right thing. Not even tempted anymore. I have been dreaming about the p/n, it sucks. It's been almost ten months, since I woke up. Ladies anyone else have this issue. They are not dreams, but total nightmares. Staying nc, is key. Love Jen

#18 Nov 26 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

Deidre40

jen

Breaking NC always makes us feel...dare I say...sick? Good for you that you're staying NC now.

#19 Nov 25 - 2PM

ifinallygotit

stayed NC

but felt bad he did not try to wish me a happy holiday...still hard for me

#20 Nov 26 - 2AM (Reply to #6)

empath

ifinallygotit

The N I was with did wish me a Happy Birthday and that hurt too. As did the anxiety in the days preceding it, wondering will he or won't he and knowing either way I would be hurt and wishing I could just avoid the whole day. Imagine not looking forward to your birthday because of a stupid N! It doesn't matter whether they wish you a Happy Birthday or not....because it doesn't mean the same to them as it does to us. I hope you had a Happy Birthday, and I hope your next birthday is amazing. :-)

#21 Nov 25 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

Deidre40

I have read your story,

I have read your story, ifinallygotit...and he is a bad guy. Oh, it makes me mad knowing how he hurt you. I know it's hard. Know it will get better...believe that it will. Stay strong, and happy holidays...

#22 Nov 26 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

ifinallygotit

thank you Deirdre

I know it was really a bad situation for a long time. I think my ego and vanity (and definitely codependency - one reason I liked him was because he was so emotionally detached I was sure I would never get addicted to him!) got me in some of the trouble (oh this famous guy loves me more than he has ever loved anyone! blah blah). I knew the whole time he was missing a normal brain...It was not even like having a boyfriend if I am honest, it was unworldy and I almost always felt neglected like an old wife without the benefit of marriage - it was a weird affectionate needy unhealthy bond and then very hurtful toxic bond - it must be broken... He knows I love him from the hoover this summer - NC is only way to regain myself. I don't have it in me to be tough with him, I just need to stay away which is easy, luckily, because he moved. He only tries to see me when he flies home which is not often and I want to move...so soon he will forget me as old stand by supply (it is almost a year since we broke up - he probably has had 5 new ladies and is not even thinking of me), and I will be gone should the notion come up.

#23 Nov 25 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

Hermes

No wishes

No NPD is going to wish a happy anything. Normal people send greetings for holidays, coming from the heart. The N is not capable, so it is sure-fire disappointment to think a sincere greeting will come your way. Hermes

#24 Nov 25 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

Deidre40

BINGO. I agree! If you get a

BINGO. I agree! If you get a greeting ...beware. There's a string attached if you reply. lol Nothing is sincere with the disordered. Good point, hermes.

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