Day 5 of no contact (again) and I am sad

This hurt will last as long as you keep bringing him back into your life. You keep bringing him back, clear as day. So in effect, you are causing yourself your own pain by doing so. You don't cause him to be a Narc, and what awful things he does to you, you don't cause those either. What you do cause is him to be there in your life to do the awful things in the first place. If you knew there was a pile of old bombs in your back yard, and kept going back to mess with them in spite of having a finger blown off each time, pretty soon you'll have no fingers. Who is responsible for this, the bombs or you continuing to mess with them?

It may hurt now, but it seems from what you describe both of you got caught up in games... Once you've made the decision to go NC...it's not a good idea to go back. Right now you are struggling because your "ego" wants at least the satisfaction of knowing he cared/cares, he is "sorry" some form of closure...that all of this was not in vain. IF he's a narc, it will happen, but it will be a bunch of lies from him, or it will never happen. Focus on the fact that it is a decision YOU made to get stronger, healthier and to grow. You are not responsible for him, you are responsible for you. I remember those early days, I was a wreck. Everything you're feeling is normal...try to read more and learn more about narcissism...over time it really does get better. This Sunday I will make nine weeks NC... Hugs to you...it's still early, but stick to your guns.

Have you blocked him. I never did because I secretly hadn't given. I still thought deep down there was hope. Plus I am so addicted to him and solving and making sense of him. I am realizing the longer it goes on the worse the pain and addiction are getting. I finally hit rock bottom feeling that I might be slowly dying from the inside out. I finally got the courage and said enough and I blocked him. He had been giving me the silent treatment for several weeks but it was symbolic that I have turned off his ability to reach me even turning off his ability to give me the silent treatment.

...though I know this NC is best for me it doesn't feel that way at all. I am on yet another round of NC day six. Longest was exactly a year ago, 20 days, and by then was only glimpsing light at the end of the tunnel when he knocked at my door and I let him in. I was afraid of him, but slowly that fear dissapated and I ended up right back in the thick of it. I keep thinking it gets easier the stronger I get and more determined I am to get off the rollercoaster...it has been very bad for years and I've known I've had to get out or it would destroy me. This latest event almost did. I was so angry for a couple of days and now I'm just sad and lost. This has been a seven year excursion into hell (i never, ever knew about npd but figured it out after I started getting online to try to see if I was the crazy one or what was going on). His capacity for cruelty knows no bounds. This from a person who professed to "love me madly" was the "only thing that made sense" in his life, etc. I have read on this site for two years, rarely comment out of fear, but really really feel like I need some help. I feel like I'll never feel good, even though getting out of this exceedingly toxic situation with a very disordered person should make me feel victorious. Instead I just feel duped, sad and incredibly rejected and lost. I am 53, he's younger (not that this matters but just giving some info). I feel that I allowed him to steal some of the best years and feel any relationship prospects are nil, not that I'm interested anyway. My thoughts keep obsessively directing back to him though I am consciously trying to swith them to me the minute it starts. It's just that I feel like there's no "me" left. I no longer even know who I am. Will this pass? Any suggestions please. Breisis, can you add some input? (trying to stop) spinning

Hi Rainbow :-)) You say you usually find a great reason to contact him so at some point he is expecting you to because he knows the pattern of this relationship and he knows you, so he doesn't have to rush and contact you....it's a game. Rainbow I don't know your story but you are here for a reason because he doesn't make you happy and has hurt you. The early days of No Contact (and I use capital letters for NC b/c it is a powerful thing) are really difficult but are you using NC to make him miss you and change his ways or do you really want to move on because if this guy has traits or is a Narc he won't change so if you want to move on it's best for you if he doesn't contact you. Believe me it is natural in the early stages to miss him and wonder what is going on but if you stick to NC things will get better I promise.

Dear rainbow, I hate to say it....but you had been warned. It is possible, because this is exactly their way of doing things. It breaks you. Look at us, look at this huge group of women with a broken heart and a broken soul, and often broke also financially with a life in tears. This is what they do. You go nowhere with this guy. His gestures are meaningless, are manipulations in order to get to you what he wants. Nothing more. He does not love you, and the more you remain exposed to his abuse-because this is ABUSE- the weaker you will become. What choice do you have other than showing up your balls and sending him away? No contact it is not a silly way to get him back. No contact is for you and your healing. Your alternative is to remain in this rollercoaster more-but you will get nothing in the ned, your dreams will be in ashes. You have no alternative , you must regain your dignity. You will suffer. For sure. We are all grieving. But we came out and we find again peace, integrity and self esteem. (((hugs)))

Be really grateful that you are getting away from him. Don't be sad, I know it hurts, it hurts alot. Listen, you need to stay away, and not maintain any connection with him. He will try to manipulate you to come back. Don't give in. Not only will you not get anywhere, you will be doing yourself a disfavor. You deserve better, work through the hurt, be strong. Read up about this disorder, do something good for yourself. Write down 5 good things you can do for yourself, and do one. Then do another. Then do another good thing for yourself. Have a celebration planned when you reach 30 days. You can do it. Be strong.