Day 3 and I'm really struggling

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#1 May 7 - 2AM
Brave
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Day 3 and I'm really struggling

I ended things with the N via text on Sunday morning (as explained in the other thread I posted). I always get to this point, when it first ends my initial feeling is relief then I begin to panic, feel anxious and then a couple of days later I just feel awful. Why? I should be relieved to get away from this person yet I'm missing them. Why don't I value myself enough? I think something is missing in my life and I use the N as a distraction or to fill a void. Truth is, I was unhappy before I met the N so I was an easy target, she even told me that she sensed an "innocence and vulnerability" that she found "endearing". God I'm so stupid yet I'm in a bad situation because I feel the familiar urge to go back. I used to tell my friends about her but now I keep it secret out of embarrassment, they know how she treated me in the past and they couldn't understand why I went back and neither could I so now I never mention her as I don't like advertising my low self esteem, I also keep a lot from my mother, she's aware that I'm involved with an emotionally abusive person, she's even warned me about her but my Mum is bi polar and I have to consider her mental health I don't want her to worry so I don't let on as to how I'm feeling, I don't really have anyone to talk to about the situation, my friends are there but I want to keep them! I feel quite alone at the moment. The N didn't respond to my text so I'm getting the silent treatment, and its her way of telling me that I'm obviously not worth fighting for. I won't reach out to her, there's a good chance I'd be ignored further, she works at my gym and I haven't been since for fear of her blanking me, I can't take being made to feel even more insignificant right now but I'm also scared of myself because if she was nice to me I'd be right back where I started. Another thing that hurts is I know she won't be bothered, I imagine her going about her life without a care in the world while I'm miserable and pining for her. How do these people go through life without forming an attachment to anyone? Her silence speaks volumes, just further proof that she doesn't want me. The other day I thought it was a blessing but now its making me feel like crap, rejected and for some strange reason guilty?! What is wrong with me? I know she'll probably have her eye on someone else now, one time she even "joked" about me being replaceable, this hurts to know I mean so little. Sorry for rambling, I'm just having a hard day and I'm annoyed with myself for letting it get to me while she is able to carry on as normal (even though I don't know exactly what she's doing at this moment but I'd put money on it that she won't be crying in bed like me). Sometimes I envy her, what ignorant bliss she must feel by not having any emotion?! Ok she can't love but she can never be hurt or feel any pain, never cry etc. Sometimes I wish I was as hard then perhaps this whole thing may never have happened. Sorry I'm rambling again, I will pull myself together and quit feeling sorry for myself, I just needed somewhere to let it all out, I hope everyone has a good day Xxx

May 8 - 7PM
Deidre99
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You are filling a void with

May 8 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
Brave
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Hey Deidre :) hadn't thought

May 8 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Deidre99
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She will hoover. I just have

May 7 - 1PM
Guitargirl1
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After you have been away from

May 7 - 9AM
Brave
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Just want to thank you all

May 7 - 7AM
Janie53
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Brave

May 7 - 7AM
Hunter
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Day 3 is just the

May 7 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Brave
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Hi Hunter :)what happens

May 7 - 4AM
unbreakable
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Hi Brave, I understand your

May 7 - 3AM
Journey
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It sounds like you miss her

Journey on...

May 7 - 3AM
Brit
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Brave