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Day 19 and Im struggling

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#1 Sep 15 - 10PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Day 19 and Im struggling

I read something today that gave me some comfort and pain. In Sam Vankins stuff I read that a Narc cant have sex with someone he believes he loves (though he cannot truly love).

While I dont know, this seemed to explain some of the mystery about what happened this second time around and the intimacy issues. Especially the incident where he had E.D. He kept reassuring me that Im beautiful. I remember him saying "this isn't just sex for me" but Im thinkin to myself do you really try to do someone from behind when you havent been with them in alot of years? Anyway the ED hit when I turn over and he looked me in the face. He has always maintained that he loved/loves me and always will but I have always said No you dont. It always seemed to frustrate him. I have always felt that in his own little sick inept way he did though he has no concept. Which would explain why one night he said when I was crying "He loves you, I love you, your friends love you but he"ll treat you better" like he knew the damage he was doing. It seemed like he was almost saying "Im not gonna do this to you again" but in the same breath he said Im not ready to throw in the towel on this yet.

So I felt a little comfort that maybe he felt something for me whatever limited feelings they are capable of. I felt that he had left me both times because he that I would abandon him. I know there will never be a relationship with him as I know he will feel compelled to destroy it as always. It just gave me some comfort in a weird sort of way that something that hurt me terribly (the whole ed thing) would actually comfort me in the end. I know this maybe wishful thinking?

The Irony: A person he may believe he loves he is unable to show it to. The people he objecfies and he can all day long

Sep 15 - 11PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

thank you ladies

The really hard part is that I have a history with him previously almost 20 years ago before this really took hold of him. He had alot of the symptoms back then but he was still able to have intimate sex and kiss me like a "normal person" so I have those memories and honestly I think he knows hes not right and I was symbol of his past before things got really bad. I think in some weird sort of way he thought I was gonna rescue him from himself. I do believe the emulate what they see in movies as love. I think now I have become the one that got away and Im quite sure he is using the pain of this relationship to lure in more victims. As far as Sam Vankin: His stuff describes mine to a tee. He is a cerebal narcissist who gets his supply from being the expert from being the all knowing on Narcissism. I know he is controversial but I think he speaks the truth This is unbelievably painful for me.
Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Cerebral

I was much the same with the Sam Vaknin stuff in that it was the best place to glean some info about Cerebrals, and how they can often be less obvious, and in some ways much cleverer that a typical somatic. I find that Sam can offer helpful info, and that I need to remember that he is speaking from Narcland, so while he may say he understands the impact of what happens to victims, in reality he will never have any concept except how it presents in victims externally. It would be like a blind person explaining color to the seeing person. I think Sam does speak the truth...as he sees it. As for wanting to rescue an N, it is one of the very many weapons of seduction in their arsenal. Little boy lost, liquid sad eyes turned your way. You are the only one that understands me? Yup, call that a sucker punch, but our empathetic natures fall for it. In some ways they are little boys lost, but they are lost forever until science or suchlike may be able to figure it out.

Nevergoback

Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I've been wondering if a

I've been wondering if a lobotomy would make a difference:) almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

lol

Dunno, I always thought maybe a silver bullet:)

Nevergoback

Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

sick of it

I know, I know. I believe I watched the exN spiral way out of control in my absence. True or not, I don't know but it was the path he chose. I read somewhere that they hold onto to those that keep them in check. I don't know if this is true or not but it does at least seem true in many respects in my case. Does this make life better for me knowing that is what I am? It is excruciatingly hard. I loved this man the way I love my children - unconditionally and like family. It has been the hardest thing. But fighting for your life is the hardest thing when one has been given the ability to destroy it. We are here for you. It is very, very hard. We all know that so so well. That is why we are here. almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 15 - 11PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

sick of it

Be very cautious reading Sam Vankins. He is a self proclaimed N and wears the 'psychopath' title like a badge of honor. I would recommend you read the blogs and links here instead. There is so much to learn and understand but not from the mind of an N. Better to read the info meant to help the victims of these monsters than from the monsters themselves. The N's have intimacy issues because without emotion there is no intimacy. They can only emulate what they believe is intimacy based on TV shows or movies or porn or whatever they have concluded must be intimacy. They can not feel it nor do they know what it is. So there is no question there. This is sadly true about love as well. They can only emulate what they believe it suppose to be based on what they have watched. They profile us to know what works with us. You were being told what would work with you so that perhaps he could continue to get what he needed from you. Sorry, if that seems blunt. But it is what it is. And accepting this is the beginning of getting beyond it. It is sooooooo hard. No one knows this better than I do. The fact is that your N loved you as well as he knew how but it is not what we would know as love. It is a difficult road getting past this but you have friends here that know and you are not alone. The first step to getting on with you life is to get educated well enough to accept. It can be a mile between the two. It's so hard to wrap your mind around. It is still difficult for me and I accepted what he was some time ago. Just believing it is another thing because we can't grasp the concept of being completely heartless. When you do this you will begin to see how you were being played to work for him. The more you know, the stronger you can become. Much strength to you. almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 15 - 10PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Sad part is as I sit here in

Sad part is as I sit here in front of my computer crying and I re-read this post and realize how truly pathetic I have become.
Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Don't do this to yourself....

I've heard some people slam Varkin...BECAUSE he is a Narcissist...maybe VARKIN can't have sex with someone he thinks he loves... I've also read that some Narcissists have sexuality conflicts as well...this guy wanted to do it from behind...maybe?...and it was further suggested because the person was saying, that people are objects to these narcs, so it doesn't even really matter where the supply comes from. It could be a myriad of reasons why he couldn't do it. The bottom line is, that whether they "Think" they love, or objectify...they cannot love...you deserve nothing but the purest and the best. There is no empathy with these people. Stop beating yourself up...they've already completed the job. You are loveable, beautiful, intelligent, and you will get past this. The best blessing you have is that you CAN love. I surmise the pain we feel, is the pain they feel every day and will feel everyday for the rest of their lives. At least we know we can and will get past it. We are hurting and I am saying some terrible things right now about my narc, but it's coming from pain and anger and it is a normal response; however, you are doing yourself damage flirting with empathy if it has any relation to him. Focus on YOU...LOVE YOU...PAMPER YOU. Sending warm hugs and prayers your way. If you are spritual or religious, PRAY... All the best!
Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

sick of it

You are far from pathetic, you are just hurting, greiving, and at 19 days you are still in the hardest stages of NC. Don't be so hard on yourself, we all went through that. One of the people I found to help me put it this way. When we are in the N relationship, we are constantly trying to figure out "what is going on now and how to fix it" While we are doing this we are living in a world of mass confusion and simply fighting for survival. However when we go NC or step outside the relationship, suddenly it all stops, and the analogy was used that it is like a freight train going full pelt, when the engine comes to a dead stop and all the cars behind start piling up on top. The whole relationship comes crashing down on your head like a ton of bricks, and you will not just be dealing with the last WTF moment, but all of them at once. New NC is the train wreck of the relationship, and sometimes for some it seems easier to go back that have to go through it all. Unfortunately, as we know, going back ends up worse. Take one day...one hour at a time and go easy on yourself. After being in an N relationship, it is not going to all change overnight. Baby steps, you can do this. {{{HUGS}}}

Nevergoback