Day 13 NC... thoughts are racing! Just needing to vent it out!

Last night was rough. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around everything and i almost made a huge mistake and sent him an email bitching him out. But i didn't. It will not do anything for me other then cause me more pain. It is now day 13 of no contact and i feel better today. I will have more days like that i'm sure but as alot of you have said... i am stronger then i thought... even though i was so upset and hurt last night, i still didn't break NC and i am happy about it and proud of myself. Things i realized about him were...
-He never ever really was there for me... he chose booze, friends, or "his kids" whenever i needed him. he never could balance anything for me. And I really didn't ask for much.
-I was in the hospital one time... and he text me and said "hope you're alright" and thats all he said to me... didn't contact me till late late late that night and it wasn't to see if i was ok, just BSing with me. My ex fiance even visited me in the hospital. Wow.
-The only thing he really did for me was come to my place everynight. I would be studying for a test for school... and he would still want to come over and watch tv ( he didn't have cable) and he knew that i couldn't say no... and i was so easily distracted by him. It was so annoying because all i wanted to do was spend all my time with him. I was ignoring what was important in my life
-He is not as good of a dad as he claims. He is a drunk. And they have to be subjected to his drinking habits. He can not have a meal without having some kind of alcoholic beverage in his hand.
- To top it off... he is a MASTER con artist. I thought that i was pretty good on picking up on things but WOW he pulled the wool over my eyes and i am still in disbelief.

so on and so fourth. It just amazes me how much i was infatuated by this guy when he is a loser. Seriously. I would never really go for a guy like him ever! He was just so damn good looking and had an amazing body and charmed me like no other... but once it came to sex... he couldnt keep it up for anything. Hope the OW has fun with that one. Viagra is pretty expensive and i know he couldn't afford it while he was with me... who knows, maybe she will buy it for him. Ugh. Even though i am feeling better today, i am still hurting with all the realizations i have. And i know i am just going through the motions. this is the longest i have ever gone no contact with him EVER. I was always trying to not talk to him before, i would block his number, then unblock it and see if he would contact me... or contact him and see if he wanted to talk and give him the opportunity to say he was sorry to me (if he was really sorry he would have been the one trying to say it to me first... not me do ALL THE WORK as usual)... and then he would suck me back in.
The last time i spoke to him... he said things like "i still think about you everyday and smile... you were so amazing to me and i will never forget that. You will forever be in my heart and i'm sorry for how horrible things ended. I know i'm not right... but i'm 43 years old... if i'm not right now i will never be right..." then he had to rush off the phone cause his son had a playoff game that night. Um no, i know he didn't, it was later in the day and i am not an idiot. I told him he always talked to me in front of his kids before, why the rush.. and then he was still lying saying that he was going to be late blah blah blah, i told him i'm not an idiot.. i don't care what you are doing, you don't have to lie though and use your kids as an excuse. Thats when he said "well... he doesn't have a game tonight... i just didn't want to hurt you by telling you i was going to see her".
And then when i called him out on his bullshit and how if he is so happy with his NW then why is he even talking to me... he said "i genuinely care about you as a person and i really hope you are doing ok." then he got mad.... and said "I can not do this anymore! You can not control your feelings for me... I am happy in my new relationship and I when i'm with her i forget about you. I may not have wanted to commit to you, but i am going to try and be committed to her. I don't want to talk to you ever again, don't text me don't call me.... i'm sick of hurting you all the time. Move on and forget about me." Then he hung up on me.. turned off his phone because he knew i would call back... and i haven't talked to him since.
I HATED the ST! That was the most gut wrenching feeling when he would do that to me... and he would to it to me often. He would say things like " i just didn't want to fight." or " i needed to cool down." or "i'm sorry, i didn't know what to say to you and i promise i will never do it again."
I will never forget the first time he did it to me. I was so hurt. I left him a voice mail crying and asking him what the hell did i do. That next day he called me in the morning and told me that he knew that he really loved me after that because he didn't want to see me hurt like that and he doesn't want to lose me. WHAT THE HELL!

These men are fucked up.
End of story.