Dawny's Story

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#1 Jul 27 - 7PM
Dawny
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Dawny's Story

I am finally letting it all out. And need advice.

I am new here, but I have finally had enough of over thinking things, trying to figure things out on my own and making excuses for breaking contact. I finally am reaching for help. So here is my story. And its a long one.
I met my ex through work... i was engaged and my relationship was in a downward spiral. Even though i didn't work directly with him, i still saw him a couple times during the week and every time i saw him he would be so nice, stop and talk to me and say things like "it was really good seeing you". He would come to my floor on purpose to see me... I was oddly attracted to him even though he was not even close to my type. Ex marine, older (at the time i didn't know how old), extremely built, tan and very very handsome. It was so strange how much i was attracted to him. Anyways, it started with him finding me on facebook and requesting me as a friend. i never told him my last name so obviously he seeked me out. That is when I realized that this man that i have been admiring had 3 kids, is going through a divorce, and was 19 years older then me!! I know that age is just a number, but first off he did not look that much older then me and i was so shocked that none of this bothered me.
So the next time i saw him at work, he invited me to meet up with him and his friends for some drinks up at the bar he hangs out at. while i was flattered, i couldn't because i was clearly engaged and trying to make things work with him. Well, things were not getting any better with my fiance and this made me want to see the N even more. My one friends husbands band was playing one weekend and i invited everyone i work with out.. including him. I didn't actually expect him to come cause he clearly could see that i was engaged due to facebook but to my surprise... he did. My fiance of course was not there... so we drank and talked and then talked until 3am about life and his divorce and how things are bad with my engagement. This is how he drew me in completely... he told me he could treat me better and told me all the things that he would and could do for me. I didnt look too much into it at the time but then the next couple times of hanging out with him i ultimately ended up falling for him and cheated on my fiance and leaving him for the N.
I saw red flags from the beginning but i ignored them because i was completely head over heels for him and i don't even know why. He changed once i called off my engagement. He wasn't as interested in me like he used to be and i was stuck trying to figure out what we were for months. he would have me over and then he would go like a whole day without talking to me. I planned everything we did, i paid for tickets to baseball games and so on. The only time we went "out" was to a bar or out to grab a bite to eat. Nothing formal and nothing like a real date where he actually planned something.
I just didn't understand, he promised me the moon and the stars yet now that he had me he wasnt following through at all. I was going through my own hard times because even though i called off my engagement, my ex fiance and i had a chid with each other, so not being able to see her everyday and going through all of that was very hard on me. I needed someone to be there for me and i thought he would be. Of course he wasn't. He was always so busy with his kids or going to football games and getting wasted with his friends. Whenever i needed him, he could NEVER be there for me. I saw all of this, yet i was still wanting things to work with him so bad. One time my ex fiance wanted to meet him since he would be around my daughter and my exN flipped out on me. He thought that my ex fiance was trying to fuck with him and he refused to see him. That night he was supposed to come over for dinner and instead he ignored my phone calls and texts ALL night. this worried me, he had never done this to me before... so i packed up my car and went to his place to see if he was ok. ( he lives on the same street as his ex wife and kids). As i was driving to his apartment... to my surprise, his car is parked in his ex wifes drive way!!!! Now, she is engaged... but i didn't understand why the hell he was there. He continued to ignore me for a whole day. The next day he contacted me, saying sorry. And then i asked him why in the world was he at his old house. He said that his ex contacted him asking him to help out with something with the house, her fiance was out of town and she needed a door fixed and since that was still tech his house... he wanted to fix it. Plus he hung out with his daughter. WHATEVER! I don't care if it was innocent or not, the fact is you ignored me when i made you dinner and you promised me you would be coming over. That was the first time he did that... and that wasn't the last time.
I gave him the world. I cooked him breakfast before we would leave for work in the morning, i cooked him lunch and dinner and always packed him lunches for work as well. I cooked for him for the days that he had his kids so that they had good food to eat cause he is an awful cook. I bought him a personalized NFL jersey, and authentic worn NFL socks that he was dying to have. This was the first year that he was in his new apartment on Christmas so he didn't have a tree or decor. I surprised him with a tree, decked out his place and made it feel more like the holidays so that when his kids were there it felt like christmas. These are all materialistic things but i went above and beyond to make him happy.
The only time i actually saw an emotion out of the man was this one time when i was finally fed up with how he was treating me and i was going to work on my family with my ex fiance. My ex N was away on a hunting trip and he non stop text me about how he missed me so much and how much he fucked up and blah blah blah. When he came back from the trip i was very distant from him and wasn't sure what to do. He showed up at my place with a gift ( he NEVER bought me ANYTHING) and started crying cause he didn't want to lose me and how much he hates how mean he was to me. Of course my dumbass fell for it. And to no surprise... he went back to the person he used to be.
He was the first one to say that he loved me... and i cant even tell you when he said it after that. I didn't need him to tell me all the time... but if you are not going to tell me that you love me, then show me. I never got a "you are so beautiful" from him or anything without me prompting him. I felt awful about myself when i was with him like i wasn't good enough for that treatment.
As far as our sex life... it was NON STOP. I had sex with him ALL the time. I dressed up for him, i did whatever to make him happy... and that was the only time he could express himself to me was when he was horny or wanted to get some. I also dealt with the fact that he had ED. I am TOO young to be dealing with someone who cant keep it up during sex. But i dealt with it because i cared about him so much. That was the only time that i really felt close to him.
Well... as time moved on, things never changed and i started getting on his case more... like why have you never brought me around your friends? your family? the only people i met were his kids... but its not like we ever ALL did some kind of outing together. I never went to the football games he coached at for his son cause i was never invited. And because i was calling him out on all of this, we fought alot. This lead to him "letting me go" even though he would still contact me everyday and walk with me into work. He told me that he wanted to work on himself and that he didn't want to be with anyone because he didn't know why he was treating me so badly. I wasn't going to wait around and despite all the bull shit... my ex fiance came back to me and wanted things to work. I told him the truth about everything including the cheating and we are stronger then ever... but before we got to this point... my ex N was still stringing me along. Then one day he started acting different... and then i realized he finally met someone else. He denied it and so on but finally one day when he was talking to me he said it seemed like i was over him so he told me that he had started seeing some one new.
I was SO MAD and upset! i had to leave work because i was so upset. After ALL that i put up with in the relationship and all that i did you would just much rather be with someone new?! Someone who is 10 years older then me and has no kids. I don't know much about her... i don't want to know anything else... all i know is that he is "happy with her" now. But meanwhile... after the fighting... i contacted him, and he said he was sorry about how he went about things...he said that he can not say one bad thing about me because i was so amazing to him and that i am going to be tough to beat because i was so amazing. Whatever.
Because of all of this.. i was forced to change jobs. If i was really going to work on my family i can not work in the same place as this man. I was working in my own hell. Everything reminded me of him and then when i would see him all these feelings would rush back. So i left things at that job with him. We agreed no contact and its done.
So on my first day at my new job.... to my surprise... 6:30am... He texts me! "Have a good day today! Hope everything is well". Me... i responded like a dumbass, and started feeling those feelings again. Then him and i started flirting and i thought to myself... WAIT A MIN. I left my job so i can be away from this and to work on my family... so i called him out on why he got a hold of me.
I asked him "did you realize you made a mistake letting me go?" He said "no... just care about you as a person and was just being friendly". Um i NEVER texts my ex's on their first day at work wishing them a good first day. So i told him to be honest. He fed me these lines like " you were an amazing person to me, i still think about you everyday and there are things that put a smile on my face when i think of them." I said " why are you thinking about me when you have a girlfriend?!" I pissed him off... he flipped out and said "I can not contact you anymore and i am done! You cant control your feelings and i am trying to move on! You are with Ben now so focus on that. I am old and fucked up and so what if i'm with someone else! If i haven't figured out what my problem is by now then i never will! My new girlfriend makes me happy and when i am with her she makes me forget about you... i may not have been ready to commit with you but i am trying now. I know how i treated you was horrible and i will never treat anyone like that again. Everything i said to you these past couple days were things that i thought you wanted to hear and i was just going along with it..."
I WAS SO MAD! So i was a doormat for a year to him?! I boosted him up and was always there for him to make him feel better and yet... i am still just so easily disposable.
I went no contact with him after that... until today. i unblocked his number and i gave him the chance to say he was at least sorry to me... of course, he ignored me. And i reblocked him.
I am still working on myself... but i get pretty down with how amazing i was to this pathetic man when i should have just been working on my family. I don't understand how he can just not care at all... Why am i such an idiot?!!

Jul 27 - 9PM
Tigiangel
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Ok