daughterofnarcissus's story

Child of NPD and still caught...but trying

I knew from the time I was a child that something was wrong in my family. I never quite knew what it was, but something was wrong. My father is an NPD but I didn't even know what that was until about 5 years ago. All those years, I had issues. I was in rehab at 14, 19, 30 and then again a year ago for alcoholism and drug addiction. I always thought that I was the sick one, but turned out I was acting out the dysfunction in my family. The counselors told me and my parents that, the first time I was in rehab at 14 years old. But...I got a lot of blame for their fighting, etc. I knew things about their marriage that most people don't confide in their best friends. I was the child.

My dad left my mother, whom he had been married to for 47 years. She absolutely lost her mind. She was, after all, the victim although I have come to realize that she was a reverse Narcissist, if that makes sense. He had been seeing other women for years and although she knew that, she never stopped it. She left him a couple of times and he would say he was going to kill himself if she didn't come back...this time, he left and didn't come back. I had to committ my mother and she ended up having shock therapy to bring her out of the PTSD of living in this for as long as she did. It has been about 5 years and she STILL TALKS ABOUT HIM EVERYDAY. She goes from hating his guts to "Wishing he would come home". The house isn't there anymore, he sold it, so home to her...I guess that means, ME (not me, but my mom). He got remarried to the woman that had been in his life for so many years. I got notice of that in an email. Not long after, my grandmother, my dad's mother (who was also NPD) was sick. He sent me an EMAIL at work to tell me this. I raced to her house and was there with his sister when my grandmother passed away. Now realize, this man just married another woman, who had caused my mother, myself and my brother so much pain. I asked that he please NOT bring her to the funeral. So, he didn't come to his own mother's funeral, which speaks volumes. She was the reason he was a narcissist. I learned that when he was a little child, she had post partom so bad she had to have shock therapy and he was a toddler, passed around to other family members while she got well. My grandfather was FBI so he was rarely ever home and my grandmother never knew where he was, etc. I believe in that time, he did what he had to to survive emotionally as a toddler and turned off. So, I have empathy for him. There is a lot of anger, but I do have empathy for that child that was not taken care of.

My dad admits he is an NPD. I don't think he cares to change it. He is married (which I found out via email about 6 months after it happened. His new family has no clue who he is. He was an atheist all my life and now he is a CATHOLIC and goes to church every sunday, sings in the chorus...new family, new life.

I started reading everything I could to find out if I was an NPD. Asked my shrink because I was worried about it. She said the fact that I was worried about it showed that I wasn't. I know that I have many traits and I am trying daily to work on those, just like my alcoholism and I was also told that I have PTSD from growing up in such chaos and trauma. I also introduced myself and my mom to Sam Vankin because everything I read from him was right on. I learned a lot. I think my mom did also, but she is far more tattered than I am. I am hoping she will get on this site and learn. That is what I am trying to do.

I have found that I am attracted to NPDs. I was involved with a man that turned out to be one...SURPRISE!!!! Not really. All this happened during the divorce, etc., so when I look back, it seems appropriate and almost perfect timing. It was the whore and the saint deal. I am nervous about sharing anymore about that at this point but will do so when I feel like I need to. I hope to learn alot from all of you and am so glad I found this. I always tell myself, ONE DAY AT A TIME. ALl I have to do is get through today, without drinking or taking a pill and without degrading myself because of some other NPD that is trying to meet some crazy need and make me their narcissistic supply. That is a hard one because I believe I was raised as a supply of sorts. I am the only one in the family still talking to my dad, well except my mom texts him EVERYDAY and has since he left her. Now, I am working in an environment with an NPD. He has everyone afraid of him. I am not. I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him that he was an NPD. That is my issue today. Hope this finds whoever is reading it...peace.