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dating after narcissists

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#1 Oct 16 - 3AM
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

dating after narcissists

I split up with a narcissist after a year (my story explains it on the share your story bit). I've been seeing someone else, I knew it was too soon but guess I thought it would be fine.

I just feel depressed. I keep thinking about my narc (there is no way I'd ever go back and fully NC). This guy is very different, not a narcissist, he's kind but I'm getting irritated. I know we're not suited and think I rushed in. Plus, he's good friends with an old friend of mine (this old friend lived with us as kids, he was like my brother back then) who I'm pretty sure is either a narcissist or a sociopath, and for some reasons that is driving me a bit nuts. I try and keep this old friend at a distance despite our history, and have cut him out of my life at various points.

Do you need a big break after being with a narcissist? I kept thinking it may make me feel better to have some fun, plus I'm fairly sure my ex has moved on straight away. Guessing I should just sort my feelings and myself out instead of rushing?

Oct 16 - 4AM
tasha
tasha's picture

time_to_move _on

I'm glad you brought this up. I went on a date recently with another guy I met online, who was interested in me when I was with XN boyfriend( I KNOW!!!IKNOW!!!BEFORE YOU SCREAM CYBERPATH!!or 18 MONTHS RECOVERY!!!) I was just testing the water!!okay! . We are not compatible-he said we are too different, though he did want a 'friends with benifits relationship' found me 'very sexy' I declined. But it was a good test,in some ways my self-esteem is recovering enough for me to say 'THANKS-BUT NO THANKS!!'. I was happy with the outcome and view it as a learning curve. One of my worst fears in life is 'that no-one will want me because I have too many children'- I guess that's why I settle for whoever comes along. I don't care anymore, my philosophy is take me as I am(kids and all) or not at all!! In answer to your question I do think you need a break after a Narc. Breaking up with a Narc is different from breaking up from a normal person. Especially if you have post traumatic stress-which you may have if you were still thinking about the XN a year after your break-up, then there's the hormones that you have to overcome-I recently read Barbara posting about this-how it takes months for them to calm down. I did it for an ego boost-I wanted a man to look at me like a woman again. To prove my XN wrong-they both told me no-one would love me because I had too many kids-even though one of them was the kids father. I found myself looking for floors and as soon as he text me and said we were 'too different' for any kind of future but would like to 'have some fun between the sheets' with me-I said forget about it!!!I deserve more than that! And think more of myself now-than to get involved in such a situation. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, I still have lots of healing to do and things to learn, what if I came across another Narc?would I be able to put all the knowlege to use that I have learnt here? Would I be able to see the 'red flags' and would I ignore them or take notice and run?I have two Narc partners. I'n not in a hurry to get into another bad relationship. And I'm willing to spend the time on me. No dating, No sex with people that don't care for me. Nothing-until I get better and someone worthwile comes along. I'm just too precious to me now lol!
Oct 16 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

tasha....

urgh, how do these people have the nerve to ask for "friends with benefit"? Saying that, I made the mistake of sleeping with someone I'm dating after a few dates, I really should have had a relationship in place, especially after the narcs I've been with. I should not want to be taken advantage of, thanks for posting your thoughts on thinking more of yourself, I need to learn from that. Re. your children, the right person will be there for you and your children no matter what, won't they? But those with personality disorders can't stand the focus being off them. My ex hated my dog, as I'd show it "too much love" when I rowed with him. Go figure. I think you're right, time is needed after break-ups with narcissists, I'm going to do that and get into some recommended reading on how to spot them next time. For once, this time should be all about me.
Oct 16 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
tasha
tasha's picture

time_to_move_on

You are worth it!I read your other post, I'm a 'wait and see what happens' person too. But I now I think I am responsible for myself and my own happiness. I have to make the right decisions for me now. I can't got through the pain of another abusive relationship again. The more knowlege I have, the more better informed decisions I can make. Especially as far as men are concerned. Yes my XN husband was jealous of the time I put into the children and my XN boyfriend was selfish too. But I do believe Karma works both ways. Bad for the Bad and Good for the Good. And I reckon my time is nearly here. Yes and do read 'how to spot a dangerous man'. I think I want to be in the best frame of mind I can be before I consider dating or relationships. I still issues that I need to work on. But goodluck time...Everyones road to healing is different and everyone walks at a different pace. And sometimes we take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back lol! We are human afterall.
Oct 16 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I refuse to get involved

I refuse to get involved with anyone for a good long while and probably never again. But I would suggest waiting a long time. Grow yourself. Become a person who is more likely not to get involved with a narc ever again. I've seen fools rush in one too many times. Disaster. Again. And now it hurts double. Whats the hurry?