Darling.girl's Story

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#1 Oct 13 - 10PM
darling.girl
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Darling.girl's Story

It is sobering and reality-inducing to read all of your stories. It makes it more difficult to keep justifying that I was truly loved. The most compelling hard evidence confronting me from you all is the fairy tale to nightmare plot. It was too good to be true. I'll try to be coherent after just checking FB to find that my "true love" is implementing the same strategies with another married woman as he implemented with me (a married woman). I wish I could take more time to be coherent before I write this, but I am so livid, and devastated that I need to "get it out."

How he "knew" that I was vulnerable, I don't know. We hadn't been in contact for over 30 years. We dated briefly in high school. He was a "bad boy" and I knew I was only along for the ride for as long as it lasted. I was in another relationship. Story terminated. 30+ years later he finds me via an online social networking site when my marriage was in the pits (no statements made about marriage on said site). Are these people psychic? I was vulnerable. I was craving the love missing from my marriage. He told me he never stopped loving me since high school. He said he never loved his wife of over 30 years with whom he had 3 children. He teased. He flirted. He seduced. Why are you contacting me now? Ahhh. His wife had a degenerative illness. Getting ready for Life.2 perhaps? But I overlooked that, enthralled by the ostensible "true love always returns" story. I was struggling financially. He was wealthy. 5 star B & B's. Cristal champagne. Smartphone purchased for me to make "communicating easier." I was his "darling, sweetheart, sweet ___." There was going to be a future when he divorced his wife when she went into long term care as a result of her illness. Ostensibly they agreed to this beforehand as she didn't want him "to be a martyr." But all this blew up when we were "caught" by my family. All of a sudden, he couldn't "abide our halfway solution." He couldn't function or enjoy himself thinking about me. Curiously, he claimed that he was "wrestling with demons" and "suffering hard" what he had done to me and my family. Apparently, not hard enough that he wanted to make good on his pledge of a future with me. For a year and a half, this man only had text or email contact with me, jerking back and forth. Sometimes, refusing to answer my attempts at connection. Finally, he re-engaged. Ahh. Hope, I thought. No, just his narcissistic wounding when his wife took a turn for the worse and he was faced with caring for someone who needed diapers and constant attention due to her illness.

I resonate with people who said they missed or overlooked the red flags. 1) Saying he married and stayed married to a woman for over 30 years who he claimed he never loved, 2) He sought me out when his wife was starting to get sicker. Who does that to his wife? And what does that say about me that I didn't have the ethics to tell him: "in sickness and in health?" Why did I think that if he was capable of doing that to his wife of 30 years that he wouldn't be capable of doing that to me? No, I was special. I was his true love.

Another similarity. The sex was beyond mind-blowing. Good god, how could he pass that up? I couldn't imagine that he could replicate that with someone else. Surely, that alone would keep him tied to me. "We have nothing like this," he said referring to he and his wife. Naive.

It was only recently that he finally gave a definitive answer that he didn't want a future with me. Ostensibly because he "couldn't accept collateral victims." Really?! How did he think two married people were going to be together without "collateral victims?" Interesting, how early on he said, "We both know this won't be painless." When I called him on that statement, and pasted his own words from an email he sent me, his response was: "I have not read your pastes of previous correspondence. I am not interested in the past. I am not an introspective guy." Well, some truth.

That's the story in short. A lot of it omitted. What I'm now experiencing is what I've read others are experiencing: roller coaster emotions (he's evil to I love him), obsessive thoughts (It felt so real. How could I have been so mistaken?), desire for revenge (I now know how people can be provoked to the point of murder in rage {no I'm not a danger. I just understand}, grief at the dissolution of the fantasy life that I thought I was going to have, jealous that he waved his wealthy life style in front of me saying that it was going to be mine and it won't ever be, nauseated that I trusted someone to give my love and self to so completely.

I need this forum, badly because no one else seems to get it. The narcissists really break your spirit.

Thank you all for being there... for being willing to help. I'm a mess. Sometimes, I think I won't make it. And I suffer this, even though the husband I cheated on has come around and loves me beyond measure. The narcissists twist your soul, your ethics, your sense of what's right and we/I were/are complicit in it. I rage to the heavens.

Oct 19 - 6PM
ash5233
ash5233's picture

darling.girl

I too am a married woman who got duped by an N. He made me question and doubt whether I should get married, my (true) love to my husband, and he continues to try to make me question the current state of my marriage. How dare these men do this to any woman--I guess obtaining a married woman, and in my case, 14 years younger than him, is the ultimate conquest for Ns. I have been in and out of NC for the last few months, but have made a promise to myself to make NC for good now. It's time to focus on myself and obviously my marriage. My husband knows about the affair although he could never fully understand what or who I was involved with. We are so fortunate to have such amazing husbands who will fight along with us to save our marriages. If you are like me, you must hold all of your anger inside since its difficult to be open and honest with your friends due to being married. I think this place is the perfect avenue for all of us, especially those of us who have nowhere else to go.
Oct 21 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
darling.girl
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Yes, I've had to hold things

Yes, I've had to hold things inside. I can't share what I went through with my husband. I hurt him. The few times that I took the chance to try and explain how evil the narc was, his response was: "it took two." I don't blame my husband for not being able to get how evil, predatory and calculating the narc was. I think I will probably have to live the rest of my life without being able to convey that to him.
Oct 19 - 5PM
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

Red flags & Lies overlooked or missed

...From day 1 (sound familiar?), he lied about seeing a posting from me on a social networking site. The site, at the time, let you know when someone viewed your post. He claimed he had just seen it. He saw it over a year, previously. ...He said he played a pivotal role in responding to the 9/11 terrorist attacks (sick!!!). Given the nature of his job, this story was very possible. However, when I investigated the story via an online search (an example of how using the internet can help one ferret out truth from fiction), there were major city news articles detailing the heroic actions of the individual who was actually involved. He must have really thought I was naive to not EVENTUALLY try to verify his story? I admit that I obviously bought it hook, line and sinker at first. ...He told me he was being considered as a speech writer for a candidate for office of an alternative political party. When I told him I was interested in seeing the speeches he wrote, he responded that he had signed a confidentiality agreement and couldn't show them to me. When videos were posted online of a demonstration that this party held, all the frames showed him walking and standing VERY close to a 20-something year old woman, and NEVER next to the major players in the political party. If you are going to be a speech writer for the candidate of the party, wouldn't you be hanging around the organizers of the march and the actual candidate and not a woman 25 years younger than you? ...He pretended to know more literature and poetry than he actually knew. He screwed up the plot line of a love story. When I called him on it, he said he wasn't referring to the story but a poem that had been written about the story. He copied the lyrics of a song and claimed he had written them for me. ...He said he never loved his wife of over 30 years. He said they were all about "sex, fun and travel." Actually, that was probably true for him. She must have suffered tremendously. I'm sorry that I contributed to a sister's suffering. ...He engaged in an affair with me when his wife got sick. There's way more, but that's it for now.
Oct 19 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
darling.girl
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A few more red flags

...as his wife got sicker, she needed to administer daily shots. He actually was so self-unaware that he told me: "I'm not going to be her nursemaid. I told her she better learn to give them to herself, because I refuse." Great example of lack of empathy. ...He told me he laughed at his father's funeral. ...He told me he had the epitaph changed on his father's tombstone from a loving message that the family had decided on to a quirky, humorous one that he wanted. He did this without telling them. I am reading all of what I wrote now and I am thinking "WTF was I thinking?" Where the hell was my pscyho meter?!! Writing this all out for public view is a reality check of immense proportions.
Oct 15 - 1AM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Sooooooo Familiar

Oh, this is alllll tooooo familiarrrrr ..... Cue the Twilight Zone music... SAME!!! "I have not read your pastes of previous correspondence. I am not interested in the past. I am not an introspective guy." SAME!!!! "I can/will not try to understand my self. My thoughts and emotions. I am only telling you my thoughts. I’ve enjoyed freedom, I also enjoy deep relationship. A seeming contradiction. –sorry" SAME DIALOGUE !!! Him: "I’m not ‘evil.’ Not what I wrote. I love you. None other. It is not simple." Me: "Try" Him: "Nope" Him: "I AM evil. Move on is my advice." SAME!!!! "I am evil." I WAS TOLD: "I'm not worthy" and "You need to walk away if this gets difficult for you." Etcetera etcetera. Same wordsmithing, same eloquent prose, same smart, charming, handsome demeanor. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (picture my head spinning around on my neck :))))
Oct 17 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

Same guy?

Same guy, perhaps. Meaning - actually the same guy or, as others have said, they are all the same. The eloquent, poetic speaker/writer adds another dimension of craziness. It is spooky to learn of how closely my ex-narc's words seem to resemble the words of yours. Creepy. I'm learning the narc's predatory strategies from this site. The narcs communicates the same message regardless of the words used. But it gets interesting when the words are exactly the same, it makes you go hmmmm....
Oct 14 - 2PM
darling.girl
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The Actual Words of a Narcissist... the selfishness & evil

...When asked why he came after me so aggressively and then changed his mind about wanting to marry me: "I can/will not try to understand my self. My thoughts and emotions. I am only telling you my thoughts. I’ve enjoyed freedom, I also enjoy deep relationship. A seeming contradiction. –sorry" ...When asked again why he did what he did to me: Him: "I offer nothing regarding answers. I’m not a scoundrel but I am evil. Compacted, in short." Me: "If you have some ethics, then answer. You caused damage to me and my family. I thought it was love. Now, you say blithely that you’re evil. But you sure don’t want others to know you are. Why hide it? Why work so hard at covering it up?" Him: "I’m not ‘evil.’ Not what I wrote. I love you. None other. It is not simple." Me: "Try" Him: "Nope" Crazy-making, huh? ...perhaps a rare instance of insight by a narcissist. Him: "I AM evil. Move on is my advice." Chilling. The last sentence is chilling. These texts are verbatim.
Oct 14 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
Used
Used's picture

darling-girl

welcome to you...and lets just say, how glad you are away from .EVIL PERSONIFIED...AND IT SHOWS IN HIS NON ANSWERS...HE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCKXXXX
Oct 14 - 12PM
darling.girl
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The Seduction

..."I've always loved you. I just forgot for a while." Yea, 30+ years. ...various quotes from The Princess Bride movie. "True love always returns." The Princess Bride book was given to me on the first day we met after 30+ years with the date and his nickname initials inscribed in it. "Am I Princess Buttercup?" I asked. "Yes, silly," he replied. ...where would you like to retire (with me)? Ireland? City A? City B? When we go to Town C, let's look for houses along the river. ..."when I buy you diamonds..." (I turned that offer down. Silly me for saying that all I wanted was him. If I had the diamonds, then I'd have something to show for the torture). ..."when I buy you a car, I've learned to at least ask what color." ...He painted a huge oil painting depicting me waiting for him and him coming for me, and gave it to me as a present. ...bought me a smartphone. ...treated me to 5 star B & B's and Cristal champagne. ..."You aren't on my mind. You ARE my mind!" ..."Abelard & Heloise? Lightweights in the world of fit! We belong together!" ..."I am devoted to many good years with you... I want to live out the rest of my days with you... I just can't say when." ..."I love you. Now. In the present. I'll love you in our future. I'm certain." We all know how that turned out. :-(
Oct 14 - 11AM
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

...more of the story - idealization and devaluation

The parts of my story are going to come in spits and spurts. This morning I was thinking of how initially I was so idealized. I was "beautiful, smart, a winner in full." He actually wrote me a letter telling me that I add such great influence on the path his life took: "there are many intelligent ditch diggers in the world, and I might have been one if it weren't for you." "I fell in love for the first and only time, darling girl (this is why I chose the username darling.girl). And it started with a jolt." Can you feel how good that feels? There were so many compliments, statements of thanks that I was allowing him to "change his fate." Then, came the devaluation, slowly at first, but it came. I have 3 college degrees - B.S., M.S., Ph.D. I run my own business. Nonetheless, this is what was thrown my way one evening: "You were so much more self-actualized in high school. You spend your time doing crafts now" (I sew). Then, one night when I was trying to get an answer about where the relationship was headed, he brought up politics (which was completely unrelated to what I initiated). I had made quite the effort to learn about what he was interested in, read many books about it. This is what I got: "Have you actually read the books? Or just the Cliff Notes? Stop vomiting what your professors have told you. Think for yourself." This coming from a guy who dropped out of school (actually kicked out, I believe), earned a GED and eventually took some college credits. First, the topic wasn't even politics. Second, I was so stunned by the sucker punch, the left hook out of nowhere, the demeaning and insulting commits, the whole attack. I went to sleep with a prayer of thanks: thank you, thank you, thank you. I finally see his true nature. Thank you for showing that to me. And that lasted one week. And I was back to wanting him. The power of the narc to draw us back is daunting. I never thought I would be under the spell of a man like this. It's the first time it happened to me. I hope to God it's the last.
Oct 14 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville,, My

Welcome to Narcville,, My story is similar.. I'm sorry!! Hunter
Oct 14 - 12AM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

And I rage to the heavens

And I rage to the heavens with you. I'm almost 11 months out and still working on my obsessive thoughts, thoughts of revenge, the recurring pain and sadness, and moments of denial. Thank God your husband is a good man. This forum does help and I hope to hear more from you as you heal and recover from Narcville.
Oct 14 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
freaked
freaked's picture

lillymarch, sending prayers for your healing

Lillymarch.. prayers for your healing. i pray you can get past the rage..i know i also have raged..but it doesn't help us if we continue raging. at some point we have to cut our losses and put this thing behind us. very very tough ask..but it is our lifeline. i am praying for an escape from my own narc hell here. 2 of us have to escape...kid and myself. we need money..because if we run away right now...we will starve on the street.
Oct 14 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

Rage & other feelings

I think I need to be angry for a while. I would briefly get to the point of anger, resolve that this man was bad for me, and then some small ambiguous signal from him would turn me right around to feeling love and wanting him. I need to be angry for a while in order to move on. I've certainly spent enough days, sometimes sobbing so hard I could hardly breathe, unable to function, daydreaming, wondering what I could possibly do to make him come back. The grief, while it must be felt, is immobilizing. The anger I felt yesterday when I found his FB postings to his new woman energized me to move on my own behalf. I searched for information and found this website, instead of penning another poem of longing and love for him. He's a bastard, and I need to stick with that for a bit. Eventually, I'll get to the point where I can be indifferent. But I think that's a long way down the road, and it's going to be very bumpy. I am glad I have sister travelers, although I'd rather none of us had to experience this pain.
Oct 16 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

You deserve to get your life back

Hi darling girl, I genuinely believe you WILL get to the point of being indifferent. You owe this to yourself. It must have been so painful seeing the FB messages to OW but now you know for sure how empty his gestures were in the first place. He's only going to do the same to the next person. I felt the same when I was D&Dd by by my exN but I've learnt to slowly move forward. Filling my life with lots of new activities, new projects and creating new memories worked wonders for me. Big hug and good luck. You are not alone in this nightmare. It WILL pass.
Oct 17 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

Thank you

Thanks to all for the support and encouragement. It's only been a few days since I found this site and it has been pivotal in allowing me to wrap my head around what I went through and am going through. The description of cognitive dissonance was particularly helpful in explaining why I couldn't switch gears out of obsessing, and trying to figure out what happened. I have a lot further to go. But I got a sense of peace in one respect - I no longer believe that he truly loved me. That alone was keeping me mightily hooked. Still a lot more to go through. Right now, I feel nauseated that I let such an evil person into my life and that I fell for and loved an evil person. I feel so sad and ashamed that I didn't see him for what he was. That's what's hardest this moment. Someone used the term "rape of the soul." Yes, that captures it. A raping of our innocence and willingness to believe and trust.
Oct 17 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

Welcome, Darling Girl

You sound like a very nice person. Please don`t continue to berate yourself for having let him into your life. They are excellent actors and someone who is both normal and honest is just not in a position to see through them at the start. They are beyond our ken. You did nothing wrong - YOUR love was real. Read as much about the disorder as you can and stay close to the forum - you will find great support and inspiration here. I`m sorry you got narced, but I`m glad you ended up here, because it`s a good place to be. Take care of yourself. Tigerlily