Damn these feelings!

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#1 Sep 24 - 3PM

needing2know

Damn these feelings!

I know he is gone for good, I have realized this but it hurt like hell anyway. And I am sick of having these mood swings about all this. I keep thinking if he contacted me it would make me feel better or at least let me know that he is thinking about me, I know this is a bad thought to have and I know how bad it would be if he did contact me, but he is making me feel like I am so not worth it!

I know I am a good person and I know I will get over this, but right now it is killing me! I am so sick of being in a good mood and the next sec having a melt down! I hate these melt downs I want them to go away.

#2 Sep 25 - 12AM

lillymarch

I have the same thing! It's

I have the same thing! It's so irritating! I get very upset with myself. I feel the pain coming, I notice the thoughts repeating, I feel the desperation, the questioning, the sadness. It's like getting a filling at the dentist. I can see the needle coming. I know it will come and go and the pain will be gone soon but I still cringe when I see it. I am tired of these repeating patterns! I have a voice inside my head (no I'm not bipolar!) that reminds me things: You are beautiful! You don't want him, remember! You don't even like him! He's not really that fun! REMEMBER, please. Stop this! So, maybe this is the CD that everyone talks about. I'm on the same page as you, lets end this!

#3 Sep 25 - 12AM

tresor2

I have the mood swings

and this recovery process is killing me too. Sometimes I think I am doomed and will never get over it. This blog helps me a lot but, sometimes the stories are triggering. The SOB is living his happy little life with OW while I'm processing years of humiliating and degrading treatment. His parting words were "I'll always love you." They are not human and they're not even worthy of being called animals. Even cockroach is a compliment.

#4 Sep 25 - 12AM (Reply to #29)

needing2know

His parting words were"we'll

His parting words were"we'll talk" whatever the hell that means! And "you could have made me happy"

#5 Sep 24 - 10PM

Elena

The mood swings are normal,

The mood swings are normal, loosing someone is hard and we experience all kinds of feelings, be patient with yourself. Feeling one way one moment, and different the next is normal. I experienced this, but as I healed - this diminished. Education about what a narcissist is would be helpful, because if a woman understands this, she wouldn't want a call back from him, she would want to stay away from him as much as possible, as painful as it is. A narcissist is hurtful, damaging, and the damage can have long term impact, sometimes even dangerous, not someone that is in your best interest to receive a call from.

#6 Sep 24 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

needing2know

Elena

I have been reading everything about this for the last 2 months, because i am who I am , I just cannot wrap my brain around someone who is so hurtful and non caring, it just baffles me!

#7 Sep 24 - 11PM (Reply to #24)

dazedandcnonfused

Needing2know

I am in the same situation with my thinking. I also cant wrap my head around how someone who claims to care about you can be so mean and cruel. I would bet he does think about you. You were apart of his life for a long time. He is most likely kicked back waiting for you to beg him to talk to you. You are winning your freedom from his abuse. I keep thinking, if only my ex eould contact meI'd know he cared. I can then ignore him. Truth is I would never be able to ignore him, so like you its best they remsin silent and we remain nc:).

#8 Sep 24 - 11PM (Reply to #25)

needing2know

I will not beg him to do

I will not beg him to do anything anymore! Looks like he will be kicked back for a while

#9 Sep 25 - 12AM (Reply to #26)

dazedandcnonfused

I hope so

Perhaps kicked back so far he lands on the floor:). Sorry for the typos Im on my phone! One day at a time...we will all live a happier life.

#10 Sep 25 - 12AM (Reply to #27)

needing2know

I am looking forward to it!

#11 Sep 24 - 10PM (Reply to #17)

Elena

Needing2know...

I understand dear, I struggled with the same thing, I couldn't believe that people like this existed, with no empathy about hurting others. It put me into "shock", I experienced waves of "shock" for months, because I simply couldn't believe what had happened and that this distorted and hurtful person existed and that I actually married him. I get you, it was one of my greatest struggles, but know that it's a normal feeling and course of thoughts. Reality is that in this world, sometimes bad things happen even to good people, and there is evil out there regardless of what people say. I must tell you that what helped me the most - is God. I am a Christian, and going to church and knowing how God feels about me, and experiencing his divine healing in my heart took me to where I am now, a place of strength. I also went to professional counseling to undo the knots in my head that were a part of the damage. There's hope and healing that you can experience. I hope that sharing part of my story is helpful to you.

#12 Sep 24 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

needing2know

Elena

I am not a religious person , however I do believe in God, I have always been told that God will never give you more than he thinks you can handle, I wonder sometimes if this is some kinda sick test he is putting me through, and what is the reason he why he is putting me through it. this man killed my soul! I know I can come back from this, it is just a matter of time, I know my ex has no soul none of them do, he took mine and I WILL GET IT BACK! I don't want to feel this way anymore, I feel like I am in hell and I don't like it here, the narc must love it, but it's not for me!

#13 Sep 24 - 11PM (Reply to #19)

Elena

Needing2know

Sweetie, God is not the author of evil, the devil is, and there are people out there who are "used by him", I believe a narcissist is used by him to hurt others. God is the one who delivers us from evil, he is "our deliverer". And you're right when you say that he will not allow more than you can tolerate. This means that - you can do it!!!!! This crisis is something you can handle and overcome, and come out stronger on the other side. Sometimes it is just taking a day at a time. There were times for me when it was - an hour at a time, that bad. You possess your soul, he just damaged it, but you can heal, just like we heal when cut ourselves, it bleeds, it hurts, but if we take care of the wound, it heals and we are back on track! I believe that with time and support you can get back on track!!!! I did. Let me share this scripture with you: Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold

#14 Sep 24 - 11PM (Reply to #20)

needing2know

Elina

Thank you , I am doing the day by day thing, and most of the time hour by hour. I do pray at night that this pain stops and I pray with every ounce of my soul for it to go away. I always said my ex was the spawn of Satan!

#15 Sep 24 - 11PM (Reply to #21)

Elena

You can do it! It will just

You can do it! It will just take time. Keep pressing forward!!! ;)

#16 Sep 24 - 11PM (Reply to #22)

needing2know

I'm pressing believe me!

#17 Sep 24 - 11PM (Reply to #23)

Elena

Yea! You go girl! ;)

#18 Sep 24 - 5PM

needing2know

Thanks everyone, I don't know

Thanks everyone, I don't know if you have ever felt this way but what I really feel is TOXIC I feel like I have POISON running through my veins! I do not feel HEALTHY! I have lost 20lbs in 2 months, I am a size 4, but it is taking a toll on me now, when I was with him he alwys tried to get me to eat and I was in a size 10/12, I look better, but I don't feel better.

#19 Sep 24 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

Caligirl

needing2know

Mine was always trying to feed me too. He would buy junkfood all the time and try to feed me. He was a feeder and all his ex-wives were large women. He would wake up at like 2 or 3 am and eat, sometimes wake me up to feed me. WTF? I am also a size 4! The toxicity thing takes time. I've read it's bc they plant their thoughts and ideas in your head. You almost think like them for awhile. N/c helps that. My exNP was very authoritative and controlling. He liked to tell me what I thought and how I was. As time goes, that toxic feeling lessens. Someday, I hope his voice, opinions, and judgments will be completely gone. They are just completely toxic to anyone, especially their nearest and dearest.

#20 Sep 24 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

needing2know

He never woke me up or woke

He never woke me up or woke up to eat, but when I would cook dinner he would fix my plate if i didn't make one and he would pile it on, if we went out to dinner he wanted me to finish everything , I would be so bloated I couldn't move. Yeah he always told me how I was feeling too. If I am thinking like him , I feel very low,sad,empty,lonely, it's like I am in a very dark cold lonely place, if this is how they really feel inside, I don't want it! He always ate lots of candy bars and cookies. I always had to have that stocked in my house

#21 Sep 24 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

Caligirl

When we would eat out, he liked to order too much

food. One time he ordered this family dinner that could feed like 4 people. Then, he never seemed to care for a doggie bag. I think maybe he wanted me big?? I have no clue! Lol. Any thoughts, anyone? When I started getting a tummy, he was like rubbing it, saying, "oh, I love your tummy..." Mine drives a truck and we had bins full of chips, cookies, cakes, candy. Mine is a loner type and insecure. Before I met him, I was positive and confident. Now, I too feel sad, lonely and have low self-esteem. I feel self-conscious when I'm out. It just seems they dump their emotional sh!t on us to feel better. That's what I'm trying to work on. I don't want it either! It's like a role reversal. I don't think they rid themselves of it tho. I was only "with" him a year. I think we can get to back to our fun, optimistic true self eventually bc it was always there, but they can't, bc they only have their false self, but that they add to that false self from different r/s's. It's weird.

#22 Sep 24 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

needing2know

My ex hates being alone, but

My ex hates being alone, but hates people in his business, he doesn't want any one to know anything about him , I find it rather sad that this stays with them forever,It's sad and lonely! His first ex is kinda big, she is about 5'3 and is probably 175lbs, and his sec ex wife got so stressed out that she gained weight and is 49 but looks like she is in her late 60's actually both of his ex's aged allot , the sec ex, every time she is out with the kids they think she is their grandmother and not the mom. He really drove that one crazy!She is actually allot like him now, those poor kids,all they talk about is graduating and leaving the house, he has 8 more years and they will all be gone. Then whats he gonna do. My kids tell me they will live with me forever lol that use to piss my ex off because I am very close to my kids. And me and my ex's get along very well and he hated that too.

#23 Sep 24 - 4PM

Sunafterrain

Needing

I think I mentioned this on another thread last night. I agree, a change in perspective is necessary here. All they want to do is cause MISERY. If he contacted you, he would be GETTING OFF on the idea that he can make you MISERABLE again. At first it starts out nice, then it turns into something he can HURT you with. Contact of ANY kind is VERY disruptive to the process. It's so good that he ISN"T contacting you. Contact can set you back in your recovery, WAY back.

#24 Sep 24 - 4PM

Nemesis

needing2know

Feeling ok one minute and having a melt down the next is only natural after the trauma that you have suffered. This stage of the recovery process is really hard but it does get easier, I promise you. With regards to thinking that you would feel better if he contacted you as this would let you know that he is thinking about you, I think you have to change your perspective. Think of the example below as an analogy. Imagine that you are one of a group of gazelles running away from a hungry cheetah. At first the cheetah chases you for a while. You're the one it wants, but you are fast and difficult to catch. You're not making it easy for him. The cheetah changes its mind and decides to chase another gazelle instead of you which he catches and kills. You begin to question why the cheetah didn't want to chase you any more. Why was I not as juicy and tasty as that other gazelle? Why did he not continue to chase me? What's wrong with me? Instead, you should be feeling glad that you got away from that cheetah. You survived!!! That other gazelle has been completely destroyed. If he did think about you, it would not be because he loves and misses you, it would be because he is doing so with predatory intent. (i.e. He thinks he can use you a bit more). I know this sounds horrible but I'm a firm believer that getting things in perspective, traumatic as it is, can really help to relieve us of unwanted and painful cravings for something that we know, deep down, is very bad for us. xxx

#25 Sep 24 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

Winter

Wow Nemesis!

What a brilliant metaphor! It really makes you “switch”. Thank you!

#26 Sep 24 - 4PM

Caligirl

needing2know

I had a couple of meltdowns this week too:( Just this morning, I was thinking, "Why doesn't he at least call? If he ever truly cared..." I also still wonder if he thinks about me at all and what he thinks. But, I think if my exN called, I'd feel happy for a couple minutes, and then of course, the topic would turn to what happened, and I'd try to get closure, he'd start acting like a jerk, blame me, possibly hang up...and the next thing I know I'd be sitting in a little pool of tears...definitely not worth two minutes of joy! I think meltdowns are just par for the course on our road to recovery. They suck, but so did being with him when he was moody, mean, boring, talking about himself, and talking about all the stuff he was an expert on (Not! Lol), criticizing... They're not good guys, and they'll never change. Problem is my heart still sees the good guy and all the potential he had, but he isn't EVER going to be THAT guy. Mine even said he "doesn't change." I think I'll hold out for a good guy who loves me and treats me right. Sorry you're down. You ARE worthy. It was him, not you! Hang in there! (((Hug)))

#27 Sep 24 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

tresor2

Caligirl - Potential and Goodness

"Problem is my heart still sees the good guy and all the potential he had..." This is the exact thing that kept me stuck in my "toxic hope" mentality for 8 years. I got into the spirituality thing (generally a great thing) but, with Psychos, it's not applicable. There is evil in the world and by believing in their "goodness", which of course, only surfaces when they want something, I stayed stuck. In their core, they are pure evil and anger. I don't know if you've listened to this but the Psycho Movie addresses the subject of "inherent goodness" very well. www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message1619633/pg1

#28 Sep 24 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

Caligirl

tresor2, thanks! I was intrigued to see

the video, but unfortunately I couldn't get it to run:( This idea of potential is hard for me. My dad used to say I was one to want to "fix the bird with the broken wing." I've also done projects fixing up or finishing pieces of furniture. Maybe it's just my hopefulness and optimism. Normally a good thing, except when it comes to N-Ps. :/

#29 Sep 24 - 3PM

Winter

Needing2know

What you really want is not to have the mood swing and him in your mind, right? You want to be in a constant good or neutral mood, right? At least for me it is a dream. Of course you will have a temporary relief if he contacts you. But it will only make the process of healing longer. So, bottom line, it is just great, just perfect for you, for your long-term goal to be independent and free! Love Winter

#30 Sep 24 - 3PM

whitneywolf

needing2know

I'm the blind leading the blind, but... What is their contact really, ever, except an invitation to come closer so they can hurt you more? ...good thing you're SANE & can have the appropriate melt downs. :)

#31 Sep 24 - 3PM

Sparrow

I remember being exactly

I remember being exactly where you are right now. It is maddening! You will get over this, but it takes time and effort. Wanting to hear from him is natural. You want validation, you want closure, and you want assurance that your love was not in vain. But you will get none of these from your N. With each day that passes, you are putting the N further behind. Before you know it, you will find yourself barely thinking about the N. That takes time though, and just remind yourself of that, you have time and you will heal. trust me when I tell you, you do not want him to contact you. Be so grateful that he isn't, a journey to healing without interruptions sounds perfect to me! Lucky you!!!! Stay strong and keep up the good work!

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