daisyme's story

Firstly, I want to say thank you to all of you for sharing your experiences and insight. It has been a saving grace. After 14 years of an off/on relationship with someone who I thought was my soulmate, I’ve been dumped. As if the relationship never existed. As if I don’t matter. He was (and unfortunately still is) the love of my life. For the past 6 months, I’ve obsessing and struggling to make some sense of it. What happened? What did I do wrong? Why is he lying about the OW? Why did he keep calling me? Why is blaming me for EVERYTHING? Why does he refuse to talk about it?

As it turns out, after coming across this site, some research and a lot reading for the past few weeks, I think that his behaviors are a textbook example of a full-on N. For anyone kind enough to read and offer some insight, here’s my story – I’ll try and keep it brief. ;-)

We met just as he was splitting up with wife1. I fell truly, madly and deeply in love with him. He was everything I ever wanted. Strong – silent, very physical, travelled the world, incredibly sexy and lived an adventurous, alternative lifestyle. After a year and half, he ended it abruptly. I was hurt (as he started seeing someone else immediately after me) but brushed it off as “needing to spreading his wings” because he married young.

Soon after that, he moved away. Over the next few years, we would see each other regularly (=have sex) every time he came to town. There were some red flags back then, but I dismissed them as “quirks”. He was ambiguous when it came to “us”. I never question him about anything or whether he was seeing anyone else because I didn’t want to upset him or make him think I was needy. However, I quickly assumed the caretaker role, was always there for him, paid for a lot of things, etc. (Gratefully, I have a great job and am financially secure).

Fast forward a few years later, I went to visit him and it was like we were never apart. We made plans for me to move in. At least, I thought so. So, just before this was to happen, I called and he said he was “on a date and to stop hassling” him. WTF? I was devastated and swore to myself that I would never be hurt like this again by him. He ended up marrying this woman, wife2.

After 3 years of no contact, he’s in town for a visit. I said no, but of course, he kept calling, and I finally relented. He makes my heart melt. Damn. As it turns out, marriage to wife2 was on the rocks. He told me that she changed into a different person and went crazy. (red flag). However, I was now convinced that he really loved me. After all – why would he keep coming back to me after all these years?

As he was going through the separation with wife2, we had a long-distance thing . He seemed to be often short on money , so I sent him anything that he needed. Soon afterwards, I ended up trekking the 1000 miles to move in with him. At first, it was bliss. We spent alot of time together, went on a lot of fun adventures, while respecting each other’s personal space. I couldn’t have been any happier. I pictured a beautiful future together. It was almost immediate that my world revolved around him. I even turned a blind eye to the restraining order from wife2 (and the statements of emotional and physical abuse in it). He justified all of it and I BELIEVED him. His friends mentioned she had issues, so thought nothing of it. However, ever so gradually, the dynamic changed between us.

To help him out on an investment, I lent him a very large sum of money on a verbal agreement. In return, he offered to add me as a partner in the contract. As soon as the money was transferred, he denied ever saying such a thing. I tried to bring it up a few times – each time he would fly into a rage or get upset at me for something completely unrelated. So, I gave up. He seemed to resent me for making it possible to get what he wanted.

From here on, it was a roller-coaster ride. The good, bad, and the ugly. You know it. Eventually, nothing I did was ever good enough. So I tried harder and tried to do more to regain his love an attention. His expectations were a moving target and he contradicted himself constantly. He would make plans with me, deny it, and take off with his friends. I could never question him about anything as he never had to explain himself. He would purposely say/do mean things and if I was the least bit hurt or protested, he called me an uptight bitch. He would call me cheap if I didn’t pay for things. He flew into inexplicable rages at the oddest things – the dryer lint not being emptied, for example. When he needed help, I was expected to drop everything (which I did), but he did not reciprocate the gesture– what he was doing was always more important or he was always too busy. However, he would drop everything to help his friends. Often, he was Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde. When out with other people, he was charming, charismatic and easy-going, but would give me the silent treatment on the way home. There were many broken promises as he conveniently “forgot” things he said, did, or would do. He twisted things around and blamed me for things that were unrelated to me. He made up excuses to prevent us from doing things together (he seemed to almost enjoy isolating me and denying me his company). Sometimes, I felt like I had to be grateful for his presence. He accused me of doing to him, what he was doing to me. To keep the peace, I usually ended up apologizing (even for things I did not do), which sometimes made him even madder. Or, he acted like nothing ever happened. Over time, his rages became more violent, especially when I tried to stand up for myself. He would throw all my stuff out of the house and lock me out. I am ashamed to say that it escalated into physical abuse. I went from a strong, confident, independent, woman to a shriveling, needy, emotional mess. At the same time, i also got very defensive and lashed out verbally in an effort to regain some power, which made things worse. I morphed into this person that I no longer recognized. I thought I was going crazy.

Things were not good between us but my sister was very sick so I had to leave for a while. We had a big fight the night before I left. However, we kept up the relationship through daily phone calls. I ended up staying longer than expected and he was upset that I wasn’t there for him. So, he really does love me, I thought. I called him to say that I was on my way back, but he said hold off for a few months because he was “busy”. So I did. I sensed something was amiss. After a few weeks, I asked whether he was seeing someone. He denied it. Our phone calls were fewer and further between and he sounded mad all the time. So, I asked him again. He denied it. I later found out (not from him) that he was LIVING WITH someone. Just like that. Apparently, they’ve only known each other a short time. The few times that I got him to half-admit that something was going on, he said they were “just friends”. He also blamed it on me because I abandoned him. His relationship with the OW is my fault.

To make a long story short, I’ve called him hundreds of times to say how much I miss and love him and that I want to work things out, but he would “have to go” or hang up on me in mid-sentence. He also came up with every excuse in the world to prevent me from going to see him. After a while, he stopped answering my calls. Yet, every time he wanted to talk, he would call me and act like nothing happened. And sure enough, when I brought up the topic of “us”, he conveniently hangs up. Recently, he called me every morning and night (like clockwork), amping up the charm and saying that he wanted to see me and work on us. However, after two months, he stopped calling altogether and ignored all my calls. I’m guessing that the relationship with the OW was temporarily off, then back on. I was demoted to back-up supply.

I’m pissed that he blatantly lies and expects me to believe him. He can’t be accountable for his actions– even the relationship with the OW. In fact, he never ever really told me – I told him. He changed his phone number so I have no way of contacting him. (Even to ask for the six-figure sum of money he owes me).

My hopes and dreams were all tied to this guy. I am left with no closure, a multitude of questions, a shattered heart, and pervasive feelings of helplessness. What burns me is that he blames me for everything and is getting away with it all. (He drained me emotionally, spiritually and financially, starts a new wonderful life with OW and HE’S the one who is pissed off?) Safe to say, to his benefit, I’m quite sure that he’s told everyone that I am nuts.

I now understand the D&D cycle and that I was duped. I was (and still am) in love with an illusion. This guy cannot deal with being alone. Throughout our history, he promoted/demoted me as current/backup supply. I know this in my head, but it still hurts like hell. I can’t seem to get him out of my heart. He takes up all the space in it.

Herein lies “the problem”. Even with the physical distance between us and the realization that he likely fits the profile of an N, I can’t seem to let him go. If I ever see him again, I know my heart will melt. How does one even begin to unravel the ties of emotional attachment? I don’t want to, but know that at some point I will have to. This sounds ridiculous, but even though he’s completely shut me out of his life, he’s still a very big part of mine.

There’s more, but will stop here. In closing, just want to say again that I am continually inspired by your stories and support and will rely on them as a source of strength.