Hello .. I am a 48 year old widow (of 3 years) and met P on match.com. He is 42. He’s very good looking and very confident man. He was fun and exciting and we had all the same interests. We met Apr of last year. I contacted him first…so he didn’t pursue me. The night we met he said he was taking himself off match and wanted to see me. So we started our relationship. We were sexual right away…had that chemistry. I pursued him in that way. He wanted to start spending nights early on but my daughter was still home and was graduating HS. I told him we needed to wait.
We were together for a total of 6 months. I was completely hooked.
A couple of months into the relationship he confided in me that he was in prison for 7 years due to theft and swindle. He was employed as a manager of car places and he stole thousands and thousands of dollars. He told me he had another child that he gave up his rights to but he changed and really wanted to be a good man. He said, “honey, I am a good man.” He was upfront with most everything but also said that the past is the past and didn’t have anything to do with us going forward.
He told me early on that he felt like my daughters were his own. He wanted to do family gatherings. We had BBQs at his house and my house. He met my late husband’s family and they all liked him immediately. His youngest daughter loved me and asked if I would be her stepmom soon.
Some quirky things he did were bringing up flags for me (I should have retreated FAST after he told me about the prison time). He always lifted his shirt in front of women and liked to be looked at, it seemed. A couple months into the relationship we talked about riding a Harley. It was his dream and I wanted to ride too. He looked online and found one for sale. His dream bike. I told him I would pay half. We went to the home of the person selling. He saw it and fell for it…we decided to go and get a bite to eat and come back to tell them if we wanted to purchase it. He said that he didn’t have half. I said that I had enough in my checking that I could buy it. So, we did. He told his family/and few friends he had that he drove my bike because I wanted to ride. He signed for it and put it in his name. (my stupidity)
He called us “one” and that we were going to be together for the rest of life. We were meant to be. He said I made him feel comfortable and safe. He said that I was his life.
He started calling my money our money and my mutual funds our mutual funds. He referred to when we sell our house (either his or mine) then we could buy the house we wanted. We talked about lake homes. We found a beautiful lake home. I was going to purchase it and put it in my name because he didn’t have anything. He said that’s fine, but he asked what happens with his investments he puts into the house and over time if we didn’t work out he’d be left with nothing. I told him we could modify as time went on. He also said something once that didn’t set well at all. He said that I need to tell him where all my financial assets were in case he needed to know sometime. I put my house up for sale. (My house didn't sell and the other one fell through...it was a blessing in disguise)
We went to a wedding dance at a casino 5 months into our relationship. He was playing black jack. He lost $1400 and when we went back to our room, he laid his head in his hands and said, “I made a mistake.” He told me he lost it and asked if I’d cover for him. He wouldn’t be able to make his house payment and bills and he would pay me back. (His ex motherinlaw purchased a house for him that he was paying her for….he had nothing of his own) So I gave him a check.
At the wedding dance the next evening I was outside. He was inside…when I saw him he picked up my toddler nephew and was dancing next to my beautiful sisterinlaw in a line dance. I thought it was strange since he just met her and her husband. He just kept looking down at the toddler in his arms while dancing. It seemed soooo much like he wanted people to watch & admire him. I didn’t know quite what to make of that. Later while we were dancing he stared into my eyes and I’ve never felt so smitten before. It was like I was the only one in the room. The only other couple was my sisterinlaw and her husband. I kind of felt like he wanted them to see us….like he was proving himself or something. Just a gut feeling that I had. Then later her and her family went back to the hotel and he came up to me and said he should go back with them. I felt bad, he got mad and walked back to the hotel.
The next day we met them at the state fair. He put his arm around me on a ride. But when I looked back he appeared to be reaching for her shoulder. When her husband started a conversation he put his hand back so as not to touch her. I thought I was being jealous and insecure. When I brought it up to him later he said as much. But….later, she got into a new car they were showing. He opens the passenger side and whistles at her. He was very subtle about this…he said he was whistling at the car. Again….he said “I’m with YOU. I love YOU. I don’t want anyone else. I just like making people feel good. I was just trying to be friendly to your family.”
He had to have hernia surgery a couple of weeks later. He lost time on the job and wasn’t able to pay his bills. He asked me for $1700 to help him stay afloat. When I told him “what if I say no?” He responded with, “well…..I didn’t see THIS coming.” He was clearly upset that I wouldn’t do that if I loved him. So I did. Again.
I was getting pretty nervous by this time. I was going on a trip in Oct with my sister and her girlfriends. He said he wished he could go somewhere too. He was checking on flights to see his mom in Alabama. He hadn’t seen her since he got out of prison. He said the ticket is only $250 but he didn’t think he could swing it. Again, he didn’t ask for the money this time but I said that I’d pay for the ticket. What was I thinking??? He would always say when spending my money...well it doesn't matter...we will be one.
The night before we went on our trips he stayed at my house. The next morning he got up and got all ready and put this very tight shirt on and was admiring himself in the mirror and putting on his gold chain bracelet. I said, “wow….that’s a tight shirt.” He was worried he didn’t look good and liked to look good going to the airport.
Off he went. He only text me during the trip. He said I could call him if I wanted or was free to talk. He didn’t want to interrupt my time with friends. EVERTHING was starting to make me nervous. I told him when I returned that I wanted to sell the bike. He had a fit. There was no way he was going to sell the bike as he had attachments to it and it meant something to him. He would pay me for it.
I broke up with him. He sent emails and texts and asking why I would just throw us away. He trusted me and loved me. We were together on and off since then. I told my girls about his incarceration. So, we were going to get back together about 2 weeks ago. He said he wasn’t going to have any drama with my girls. He also said that maybe love isn’t enough and we should move on. Everyone was worried about me getting back together with him and was afraid he would drain me of all my money.
He finally got a new job as a manager in a car place (good luck car place). He agreed to make payments for the bike. He sent me a check for $1000 and is making payments to me over the next year. He said he’d rather pay me the interest than an institution.
I got in touch with his exwife (number one) and we had a 2 hour phone conversation the other night. He was married to her for 3 years. She ended up having his son (who he gave up parental rights to) and lost $25,000. His son was 3 months when he left. He got (exwife number two) pregnant a couple of years later. He was imprisoned when his youngest daughter was 3. When ex number one found out he was earning money, due to the principle of everything, his wages are garnished $50 per month for the next 20 years or so. She said he always needed to have money and things. Her parents sent them on a cruise, etc. She said she could fill up a week’s talk show with everything that happened in their 3 year marriage. When they first met he sent her flowers, bought her expensive jewelry and everyone thought she found her prince charming! It was probably stolen money. His 1st ex wife’s mother said early on that she thought he was a psychopath. He has never tried to have contact with son. She said that when he left and when his son came looking for him when he was 18 he would say it was his mother's fault for them not having contact.
He always talked about us going on a cruise. Even 3 weeks ago when we were going to get back together he said he thought we should get away….just the 2 of us. He wanted to go on a cruise. I told him that if he can afford that AND pay me the bike payment ok. He said, nevermind, I don’t need to go anywhere. He always said things to make you feel bad for him.
2 Days ago I ended it. I was going back and forth wanting to find the man I thought existed. He doesn’t. His ex number one said she doubts that he will steal again….probably from the new company. The new company doesn’t know about his past….no background check. Some things that I have learned are that psychopaths will say anything and probably believe all the lies they tell. He feels entitled to having everything, whether or not he earned it. He is not able to feel real love. The next woman will probably have to go through the same thing unless she pays attention to the red flags earlier as there are SO MANY. He is just way too charming and cute and handsome and fun. But he isn’t able to show much affection – his body language tells a lot. He doesn’t like to hold you and comfort you. He wants someone to take very good care of him. He can say it all in words, moslty written through text. But when it comes right down to it, he doesn't have the ability.
There’s so much more that happened. Good and bad. But I’m trying to come to grips with the truth of it all and trying to heal my wounded heart. The hardest thing is to believe that truth. I will institute NC and don’t believe he will try to contact me again.
The other day I missed him sooo bad (before NC) and I asked if we could talk. He called me and complained the 1st hour of the phonecall about his ex and his daughter (she’s 10). He also said that “this is what we need to do, we need to take it slow…talk, go out on dates like the movie or dinner.” He asked if I had plans for March 17 and I said I didn’t. He said we could go out to dinner or movie. Well, he didn’t call until the next day (yesterday morning) when he sent me a text saying, “how are ya?” and after a few texts back and forth I asked if he is seeing someone. He said, “why are you asking me that? It makes me uncomfortable.” I knew. Then he said “I care very much for 2 people” meaning me and her. I said I won’t be one of two. He still wanted to be friends…talk once in awhile, go on bike rides, etc.
I deleted his phone (and I don’t have it memorized) number and all text messages. I have his email address but I won’t be sending any email. I know that it’s clearly over. He is happy and living life with new woman and with all the stuff I got for him.
I know that this is best for me. But I am sooooo depressed and anxiety ridden now and miss him terribly – or at least who I thought he might have been. I am going to see a daughter of mine out of state this week. When I return I need to see my doctor to find something to help me get through all this. My hair is thinning, I have aged so much in the last 6 months. I lost my job – couldn’t focus on anything except him and all the anxiety I was having. Flags. I have lost weight and feel like my teeth are rotting. I have no health insurance now and thankfully have some money to use for health concerns from husband’s death. For those of you with experience like this….any timelines on stress relief after going NC?
It's tough managing the Cog-dis of how sweet and kind he was to me all the time. Called me his honeypie. We didn't get to a point (other than the money and his odd trance-like stares at the ground when encountering a woman in a store) of fighting or anything like that. All my anxieties about whatever it was called made me flee.
Thanks for letting me share my story. I am reading so much about so much. Sometimes it's helpful - sometimes it's painful. I just want him out of my head forever!