Curiosity + Anxiety = A Killer Combo. HELP!

Hi all,
I was doing ok for a while, I am currently 49 days NC…but lately I feel like my anxiety and curiosity are getting the best of me.

After my first disastrous “peek” at his Facebook about a month after the break-up, I have made a vow to myself never to look at it again (as it was chock full of lies and pictures displayed meant to deliberately hurt me). I have not looked at it again since then, but last night I found myself starting to get curious and desperate – I didn’t look at his Facebook, but I googled his name, his employer’s webpage, and looked at his Twitter account (which he rarely updates, and hasn’t, apparently). I felt my anxiety rise immediately, my heart was pounding and I knew I shouldn’t be trying to find out any information, but I wanted so bad to know SOMETHING. My search turned up no new information, but luckily I got a hold of myself and turned off the computer before I really looked into his life any further.

In the aftermath of this I feel depressed and mad at myself. I thought I was stronger than that, and now I realize that I still care too much about what he is doing.

I can’t seem to get “unhooked” from him, and I’m starting to doubt I ever will. Someone else posted that they feel a painful, almost physical void without their N, and I feel this way as well – it’s like I am always carrying around this emptiness in my heart no matter what I am doing. Also, the memories are killing me – both good and bad. We used to work together (he no longer works there, but I do) and I feel like the building itself, certain people, and the surrounding area where we used to take our lunches, etc. are full of painful triggers. They remind me of the better times when he was sweet and “loving.” I feel like the memories are all around, even songs on the radio – I can’t avoid them! What should I do??

Adding to this, this is my first serious attempt at NC (I finally got real as to the cycle of abuse which occurs when he contacts me), and as I said, I am 49 days so far.
However, I still have so much anxiety as soon as I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed at night. The anxiety is due to a lot of CD mulling over the wonderful things he said to me versus his actions which spoke otherwise. I try to tell myself “who cares?” but it is not really working because I DO care. I am having trouble stopping myself from wondering what he is doing now. However, I know that I cannot check his FB or get back in contact for my own mental health (luckily mine has stopped hoovering). I know that it shouldn’t, but in a way this has made me even more depressed now that I know the contact MUST be CUT for GOOD. I don’t really have a lot to move on to, as he was my only companion for a long time (don’t have many friends I am still close to, my job is not exactly stimulating, no future male prospects on the horizon), so I feel I am stuck in this rut of thinking of him / missing him… I miss my fake “friend.”

It’s been almost 5 months since the break up (with one prolonged hoover that lasted over a month before I stopped and went NC for good). Why don’t I feel any better? Why do I still care about this asshole who treated me so appallingly? He was TERRIBLE to me and I know part of why I can’t get over it is because I am still in love with him… It makes me so frustrated with myself!!!

I am asking for help regarding:

1) How can I stop my thoughts, triggers, anxiety, and curiosity from getting the best of me while I am trying to heal? Help!

2) Why does it hurt MORE after the hoovering stops??

Any advice is much appreciated! Love to you all xox