At a Crossroads - advise appreciated!

No, you don't have this meeting with him. I think leading someone on is absolutely cruel and selfish. Narcissists do it to people all the time. They need as much attention as they can get and they don't care who it hurts. Stay as far away from him as you can. He doesn't deserve any of your energy! xoxo

Beautifully stated. I'm having a parallel experience. No real answers for months. No direct communication on the status of our mutual project. Expects us to contact him and when we have, we get lies and run around. It's futile and pointless. His self preservation over others is obvious. No team work or mutual affiliations. Lies and more lies. His world is crumbling and he wants no help - he needs to be "in complete control"...I could go on and on. Once I learned what narc means and that was what i was experiencing, I see it all clearly - it took a while. No contact and no looking back has been my answer. I'm looking forward at this point. It truly is liberating. Your main point is right on. Don't expect closure. These people are predators. We need to RUN and not look back. We need to put ourselves FIRST. They are what they are - that knowledge IS the closure. Great post. Loveofmylife - Learn to read the tea leaves of pathology. Learn the world includes predators and you have been with one. It is our responsibility to learn that and take care of ourselves. Read each blog post and articles on this site as you can. You have it in you to make the best choice for YOU. Make your own closure GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Skip the logic and tune into your gut. If you listen long enough it will tell you DANGER DANGER RUN! Stop wasting your time with this guy and start living your life. You can do this!!

Mine made a hoover attempt, too. Because he needs something from me. Pure and simple, he needs something from me, I have always been too giving and understanding with him so he came back to me when his entire world is falling apart. This is what I texted him this week: "No amount of therapy in the world will teach you how to have empathy and understand what other people are feeling." I let him lean on me and got nothing but lies and blatantly being used. I told him what his constant pursuing does to me. It doesn't matter to them, they can't relate, don't understand and don't care how they hurt you and use you. Nothing he says to you will give you peace or give you the truth. They will not give us straight answers. Mine was still lying through his teeth, even though his entire world is crumbling!! They will never give us closure. Refusing to deal with them is the only closure that we will ever have. They will never give us straight answers...NEVER. They don't care if they hurt us as long as they are getting something they need from us. They don't care if they destroy our world as long as theirs is saved. I have been though hell and back this last week. They feel nothing but the need for self-preservation and they are scared to death of being abandoned and left alone (even though they don't give a second thought to doing that to others). They live a lie and can no know other way to live. Therapy does not help them!!! They will just con their therapist and lie to them, too, like they lie to everyone else. I hope you don't go through what I just went through. Protect yourself. Block him. Ignore him. Cut all ties with him. Do not do business with him. They hurt us more each time they put the mask back on and con us yet again. It's just not worth it. Nothing will ever change. I am living proof.

Well, of course you wouldn't lead someone on or keep in contact if you knew they loved you and you did not reciprocate. You are NORMAL! He is not. He is using you to feed his ego. Period. I hope you decide with option 2- pay him off for the rest of the committment and be done. Option 1 will just create more chaos in your mind. You will NEVER get the answers you need or any closure from him. No contact is your only way to finding peace and closure. Good luck to you:)

The thing about pathologicals is they will keep doing what works. In answering your questions one by one the answer is clear - you just don't want to accept it. why does he keep pursuing me? How does he think this will be any different-he keeps pursing you because it benefits him. He calls you after the closing and is all charming. Why? because he wants something from you - what? well read the email - he wants his bonus and he wants to keep sucking off your business by extending it into the future. How does he think it will be any different? He doesn't want it to be different - he has you EXACTLY where he wants you - he calls you and you are all sweet - he gets money from doing business with you and this allows him to take out all his match.com dates. We will continue to go through difficult cycles of me getting hurt... Well he doesn't really care if you get hurt - he thinks you know where you stand with him - he has told you countless times that it's business and not personal - if you are in love with him and speaking with him makes you hurt he feels it's your problem. Or force him to make an all or nothing decision... Well you have been going round and round with him for 20 years - I think he's already made that decision - don't you? I mean what would make him say "I want it all" If you said you were getting divorced, do you think he'd be on your doorstep saying "It's about time - you know how long I have been waiting for this???" Ask him if he is just trying to keep me on the back burner "just in case. He already HAS you on the burner - you continue to speak with him, continue to be in love with him. Narcs survive because they have certain people in their life that continue to "feed" them. If everyone associated with the Narc would starve him - then the world may become a better place. You do know that you are contributing to his behaviour. He can always count on you to be there. it just feels like I'll never have closure without answers, - you will NEVER have answers - at least not the ones you are hoping for. This is a fundamental concept you need to accept in order to begin healing. At best, you may get an "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you" out of him - but that means nothing - it's just something he saw in a movie or read in an article - he knows nothing about being sorry. Do you think he will say "It's because I am a pathological and I am incapable of love. I suck people's energy and you have been very convenient. I care about no one other than myself and my needs - don't take it personally - I act this way with everyone" For sure, you will NOT hear - "You have always been the love of my life - I don't know what's wrong with me - but I finally get it - let's go live happily ever after" I'd like to call him on all of the things he had said to me over the years and force him to choose either 1) I really felt all of those things or 2) I was really just toying with you because I am a player. He said all those things over the years because AT THE MOMENT he may have thought he really meant those things. You were giving him awesome supply and he was really happy. Narcs live "in the moment" they do not spend one ounce of their time thinking about the past and we all know their frontal lobes are impaired - so there is no future thought. You need to think this way - have you ever gone out with a bunch of friends and been really drunk and you all decide you are going book a vacation to somewhere really cool - everyone is so into it because you are all really buzzed - then the next day - it's forgotten - at the time you were all drunk it sounded like a really great idea - then when you sobered up reality hit. This is a Narc's life. Everything sounds really good - but they have no intention of following through with what they say. There are so many articles written saying that the most devastating thing about N relationships are that they were built on promises - every woman on this board can attest to that - we are the fools who believed those promises and those promises are something we can't get out of our minds. You have to think back to the drunk analogy and realize they NEVER meant it - it just sounded good at the time. Trust me once he realizes that the gravy train is shut down and shut down for good - you'll be surprised how little he contacts you - they keep in touch because they believe they can get something from you - I think you don't want to accept the fact if you do pay him off and say no more - he will eventually be gone. As Sandra Brown says: Once you realize his pathological ways and you continue to keep in touch - it's because YOU want to be in touch and at this point you need to take a good hard look at why you are stuck. This is your starting point - why can you not accept that he has had 20 years, 20 years!!!!! to do the right thing and he hasn't. Do you really want to spend the next 20 years obsessing over this loser? If you do, you really don't think you are worth very much - but I think you are. Remember look at the Narc's actions, not his words - what has he given you in 20 years other than a bunch of bullsh*t? Has he committed to you? No - his actions speak volumes - you don't need to waste your time listening to any more of his words.

I think one of the most painfuly frustraiting thing with these men is they dont care ....I drove myself round the bend with all they thoughts of "what would i do in this situation , would i do what he did .. hell NO " You can not ever put yourself in their shoes you are normal he is not . Sack him and buy youre companys stuff else where , it will be the most enpowerig thing you have ever done . 20 years messing with youre head is too long now . get rid , he has had his chance to be a decent human being and he has consistantly failed .. x