cristina' Story

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#1 Oct 3 - 2AM
cristina's picture

cristina' Story

Hello everybody.Im new to this forum but Im so happy I found it.I will share my story with you,I think my ex was a narcissist and I need your input because you have more experience with this than me.He definitely has narcissistic traits from what Ive read here but Im also confused about a few things so I hope you will help me out and bring some light into the story.

We were together for 3 years and we met online on a chatting site.He was in the Air Force,9 years younger than me but he seemed so much more mature for his age.Thsts why i picked him,he seemed so stable,serious and trustworthy.I felt safe with him.He lied to me from the very first day,all these grandiose stories about being an Iraq veteran,being a sniper(even though many told me the Air Force doesnt have snipers but he insisted they have a few and only the best),being an orphan.I have to admit i had a feeling about him,something telling me he is exagerating with his stories,he was always helping someone,saving someone,these hero stories bla bla bla.

When i met him,he pretended to be injured.Now i realize it was all for atention and sympathy.When he told me he was an orphan,I told him i used to work with orphan kids and that i have a lot of empathy.He said he stays cold to most of his feelings.Yeah,that should have been a red flag.

Our relationship was long distance.First time i caught him with a lie,was after 4 months.I didnt have a myspace account but i was curious if he had 1 and i wanted to see pics of him there.And i found him there,his profile was not private and i saw he was pretending to be single there and flirting with girls on his wall.I confronted him about it,he made his profile private and apologized sincerely.He started crying,telling me he understood if I dont want to be with him anymore because I lost trust.But you see,i was already hooked by then and i didnt want to lose him so i forgave him.Looking back now,I realize i should have just left and spare me the pain later.

3 months later he was saying his net is acting up and then went offline.But my gut was telling me something was up so i made a myspace profile quick with a fake name and photo and contacted him on myspace mesenger.And there he was.I asked how he was and he said pretty good.Then I straight forward told him:"I see your net is just fine"and in 1 second,he was online again on yahoo mesenger.Again apologizing,crying,looking like a sad boy,saying he feels like throwing up for what he did to me.I asked why he needs to hide like this and he said he got an email from me and I was saying I dont want to be with him anymore.I was shocked!I told him i never sent such an email and if I dont want to be with him anymore,then Id tell him.I asked to see the email and he said he deleted it because it brought him too much pain.

Well I forgave him again and everything was ok for a while except he would always hide from time to time,meaning going offline and then texting me he had no net or power was out,emphasizing he isnt hiding or doing anything wrong.Now I would bet my life on it that he was logging in to a secret yahoo mesenger to talk to girls.It was the push-pull move,going hot and cold.

After 1 year of being together,someone told me I can do a background check on him so I did.And i realized he wasnt an orphan so i decided I need to know the truth.I hacked into his email and oh boy,was I in for the shock of my life.I found emails from and to his mom and other family members,I found a lot of porn and I also found him talking to a girl,havings online sex with her,planning to go and see her and her husband and have sex with both of them.I was so shocked because that was not the guy i knew,my guy was a nice,caring,trustworthy guy.Of course I confronted him about it and he admited all because I had the evidence.He told me he lied about being an orphan because his mom abused him severely and being an orphan was better than his actual childhood.Later I found out from his aunt and mom that his grandma raised him so his mom never abused him because he didnt live with her.He told me he was cheating because he had the feeling i wanted to leave him so he was looking for a safety net.Now i realise why,its because he cant be alone,he isnt comfortable with himself.

I forgave him again and for a while he seemed so genuine,he really was working hard on earning my trust back.Then he came to visit me and 1 morning while i took the kids to school,he was online looking for webcam models on those sex sites.I found out by checking the history for a site i was on a month ago.I confronted him and he tried to divert my attention by turning it on me.He said:"I thought we agreed you wont go and check guys profiles online"I was confused,I didnt know what he was talking about because I didnt check any guys out.So i asked what guy and to show me on history,we went online and of course there was no guy and he looked so amazed"but it was here not long ago".Then he said he was looking for webcam girls because he doesnt have too much experience with sex and he wanted to be the best for me and satisfy me good.He cried again,asking for forgiveness,telling me he is always scared Ill find someone else and just leave him.

He proposed to me and i said yes.After I found out about his family,he started telling me all these lies how he was abused and he has nightmares and he will never let me be clsoe to his family so they cant harm me.He kept in touch with his family and then when we were together for 7 months,1 day in february,out of the blue,he deleted all his family on myspace,stopped writing them emails,cold blooded like that.No explanations,nothing.He told me he has a new family now and thats me,a real family and let them drown in their own sorrow now because they never helped him as a kid when he was abused.His mom and aunt wrote me on facebook and i defended him so bad because I only knew his version of the story.But talking to them opened my eyes bit by bit.I learned he was like this even as a kid,always lying and making up stories and he would get very mad if he wasnt believed.

He liked playing the victim,he always thought people are out to get him and he would brag how all the girls he comes in contact with would want him and hit on him and want to marry him.I found it funny in the begining and i believed him,after all he was a handsome guy.But then it started getting annoying,I wasnt jealous but it started being childish.He let me believe he had ptsd from Iraq and only I can make him feel safe and comfortable.He put me on a pedestal,i was his soulmate,his life,his everything,anyone who would harm me would be dead and he wouldnt go to jail because he would kill them from a distance,with his sniper riffle and there would be no evidence.

After he cheated then,i asked to have access to all his passwords till i got my trust back.This is how I found out he has never been to Iraq,there was no email to his family or friends about Iraq,all his care packages were sent to Korea where he was stationed.He was supposed to be in Iraq in december but he sent pics to his friends from Seoul in december.I confronted him about it and that was the first time when i saw the nice guy get really mad.I asked for proof he has been to Iraq and he said he will show me,well that never happened.Looking back,I think that was the moment when things changed for him,i started asking more questions and proof and i guess he realized I will soon figure him out.

He was told they will kick him out of the Air Force because they had to downsize and its then when things went downhill.He logged off yahoo mesenger and was online on skype,he said he was so stressed out and he needed time to find himself again.I was always so understanding,always encouraging him and being patient.He told me 2 times that he goes to Boston to a ptsd center because he wants to get better for us.Only now I learned he had a secret yahoo mesenger and met a woman there and he went to see her then.He told me he will come and move with me,that he cant wait to get away from the base and the people there who hate him.I was waiting for him and then 1 week before he was supposed to come,he told me he needs more time to find himself,that he will go confront his mom and make her admit the abuse,that he will play sniper with her and stalk her,that he will take everything from her because she screwed up his childhood.Suddenly he got so arogant saying"why should you always get what you want?",refering to coming here and live with me.Its like i was asking for the moon and stars,I told him we both wanted it so what changed?He also arogantly asked"have you heard of an american going to be an imigrant in romania?",that after he offered to come and live here and i told him he can open a karate school here as he had a black belt and was a karate teacher.

I knew something was wrong but i still wanted to believe him,the nice,caring guy from the begining.He left the base and our agreement was he will go to his hometown to calm down and then fly to me.Well he disapeared for 3 weeks and i logged in to his online banking to see where he was.I found a girls name,she cashed 2 of his checks.After 3 weeks he comes online for 5 minutes,saying he is scared,he doesnt know what to do,he is alone,he should have come to me and not stayed there,he doesnt deserve me,he loves me.I asked who that girl was,he said just a friend and she is his landlord,thats why she cashed his checks.I asked to talk to her and he gave me a fake number.But I still didnt leave,I still wanted to believe him,I still wanted everything to be a misunderstanding.He would write every 2-3 weeks and 1 time i decided to not write back anymore and he panicked,got desperate,trying to make me feel guilty,saying he gave me everything and i only used him and betrayed him.In his last email he was asking why I dont reply,is it because i foudn someone else?I decided to look for that girls name on facebook and oh boy,was I hit bad!Her profile pic was of them,he had his arm around her shoulder.Silly me thought at first maybe its just someone from the ptsd center,his doctor or something but that didnt look like a friendly hug.And then i started shaking,i was full of rage and pain.I sent a message to that girl,to her parents and siblings,exposing him,warning them about him.On her moms page i found a pic of them from the time he was supposed to be at the ptsd center in Boston.IT WAS ALL LIES!!!

Her mom contacted me and told me she had a feeling about him from the moment she met him.Her other daughter also felt he was fake.I sent them evidence,his emails to me after he left the base,where he was saying he loved me and he is sorry and he doesnt deserve me,that he is stuck there till he finishes his ptsd program but in october he will come home.I talked to the girl also and she saw all the prove and guess what:she believed him.I cant blame her,i have been there and i know how good he can pretend.Now she doesnt talk to her parents anymore because they dont agree with giving him a second chance.Her mom said she is very gullible and with a good heart and always attracts loosers.She isnt even divorced but he moved in with her only 1 month after they have known each other.Of course he told them the same stories how he was an orphan and an Iraq vet.He told her he was sent to Iraq in may,thats when he was talking to me again on our yahoo mesenger but then he got sent back stateside because of broken ribs haha.Can you beleieve that?I know he is with her because he is broke,he has noone else,he cut ties to his family and friends.He told me he cant go back to his hometown and tell his friends at karate school he couldnt finish his time in the Air Force.So he is living off her,he doesnt work but she will start work now in october.I warned her mom of that because he will be home alone while her kids are at school,he isnt capable of being alone.he will get bored and he will seek the attention again.Its just a matter of time and nothing will stop him.

So what do you think?Is he a narcissist?If yes,do you think he is dangerous?I mean i exposed him and took off his mask,do you think he will seek revenge?Its been 2 weeks since I exposed him.Or do you think he will be too embarassed to contact me ever again?There is something i dont understand and please give me your opinion on it.If he just faked love,only used me then why did he send me about 10,000$ in 2 years?He always told me not to work so hard and just be there for my kids,so he would pay rent and other bills.I knew we would get married in june so we already called each other"my wife,my husband"so I was always thinking he jsut wants to take care of us.If he was never serious,why would he be so stupid and send so much money?Thats why he is broke now.

Oct 3 - 11AM
Tigerlily's picture

Welcome to the Club!

Sorry for the reasons you ended up here, but you couldn`t be anywhere better! Sometimes the question whether someone is a narc. or not is not as important as the question whether you feel safe, cherished, confident and secure with that person. From your post, it`s fairly obvious that you didn`t. Learning as much as you can about the disorder will help you come to a deeper understanding of what happened to you, and will also give you an idea of what to guard against in the future. I would say as long as his new relationship is giving him what he needs, he probably won`t contact you, but with these creatures one can never be sure. Changing your Tel. Nr, Mobile Nr., E-mail address and blocking him on Facebook are a few precautions you might like to consider. Should he start harrassing you, keeping evidence or making notes will help you if you need to get a court order against him, which I would do immediately if there`s any trouble. Unfortunately, they are impulsive and unpredictable, so stay sharp! Tigerlily
Oct 4 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
cristina's picture

Thank you for replying.I know

Thank you for replying.I know Im lucky to live in Europe,so I have the distance advantage but I asked about him wanting to seek out revenge because he used to tell me several times:"if someone tries to take me down,they will go down with me".And not just that,but all promises to keep me safe and if someone harms me,they are dead.1 time he even told me out of the blue:"I feel sorry for the guy you would leave me for,he would be 6 feet under and you would coem back to me because Id be your only aliby"I dont know if he ment all that or he just wanted to show me how much he "loved" me and he wont allow anyone to take me from him.What do you think about his words?
Oct 3 - 8AM
Hunter's picture

What do we think? What do you

What do we think? What do you think? Do you care what he is? Lying, cheating,porn, OW... What a catch!!! sure sounds like a promising future with This one!! Read all you can and stay away from this creature!! Hunter
Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
Tigerlily's picture

Love this comment, Hunter!

Why call a spade an earth-inverting horticultural implement?! Short, sharp and dead on the mark! Very enviable! Tigerlily
Oct 3 - 5AM
dulcinea441's picture

I thought I'd posted a reply

I thought I'd posted a reply to this earlier, but maybe I walked away from the computer and forgot to hit "submit"...hmmm...anyway, our stories are somewhat similar in that I also has an LDR with a narc. One day he loved me, the next he hated me. Life was an emotional rollercoaster with him. His stories never quite added up. He reduced me to a beggar, desperate for any crumb of affection, however paltry. All our plans to travel and visit each other kept getting put off, interrupted. He would just disappear for days, leaving me frantic as to his whereabouts. He also defriended me on facebook, even though I was his fiancee! When I tried to leave, he sucked me back in, playing on my sympathies, saying that he needed me. Shortly thereafter, he dumped me very cruelly and without compassion. Listen to your instincts -- walk away and never look back! You are worth so much more than what you are getting from this narc.
Oct 3 - 3AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

He is a nut for sure.

He is a nut for sure. Disordered for sure. Lie, cheat, steal. Sounds like some sort of personality disorder. Doesn't matter which one if you are ready to leave him behind. You just need to understand that you can never ever trust him...he will always want adoration and respect, and you should heve neither for him based on his actions. Never forget his actions. You were very gullible, and listened to his lies and wanted to believe him over your own intuition. Don't do that to yourself anymore! He sent the money because he wanted you. You were giving him what he wanted. He probably meant it when he said he wanted to marry you. He just couldn't follow through. Alot of them get right to the point of major committment/change...and then pull the plug. Doesn't matter why. In fact, we should be grateful that they balk at the end, saves us from more pain and abuse. You have no kids or financial ties to this man, is that correct? If so, you can go no contact right now and never look back. You dodged a big dose of crap! Keep reading and welcome to the site! ds
Oct 3 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
cristina's picture

Thank you for your reply.No,I

Thank you for your reply.No,I dont have any financial ties or kids to him.However,in April i found out I was pregnant but then had an ectopic pregnancy so i lost the baby.What did he do in April?Talk to his new girl,meet her and her family,while lying he went to a ptsd program.Oh, and dont worry,I dont want him back,not in a million years.I know he cant be trusted and he will never change.Im actually pretty detached and calm now because I finally saw him for what he is:A FAKE!
Oct 3 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

You got narced for sure.

You got narced for sure. Count your blessings, lots on here got that kind of crap for years and years. It hurts I know, I got hammered early last year. Read more on here and you will see some real crazy friggin narc stories...they are so different and bizarre...makes little sense when we try to understand trying to read chinese through a magnifying glass from a mile away,,, bad analogy but its late. A change wouldn't be near enough, he would need a transplanted head. And trust once broken can never be forgotten. Sorry for your loss in April, sounds like tough times can be behind you now if you so choose. Try to avoid talking or emailing the narc, as it will do you no good as he will continue to try to manipulate you and abuse and control you! Its what they do, its in their nature. ds
Oct 3 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
freaked's picture

DS, your post is very helpful

DS, i am gaining some courage after reading your response . i think for me too it is high time to STOP this stupid self pity i am wallowing in..ugh.. thanks DS. very helpful for me reading your post.
Oct 3 - 3AM (Reply to #4)
cristina's picture

Do you think he will want to

Do you think he will want to seek out revenge because i exposed him?I mean there is an ocean between us but you never know how they can react,right?
Oct 3 - 5AM (Reply to #5)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

You must stay done and

You must stay done and initiate no contact right now. If he tries to communicate do not answer or respond. If you can do that he will go away and do to others all the damage and abuse he would have kept giving you. They might disturb us occasionally for a bit, but will finally go away forever. But nc/nr is critical. You are very lucky, even if you don't know it yet! :) ds