Cried during my workout today...help :(

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May 3 - 1PM
Steph
Steph's picture

I'm sorry he has made you

I'm sorry he has made you question your attractiveness. Perfect example of the emotional abuse of an abuser. You know what, if you were the stick thin girl....he would have showed you pics of "Jennifer Lopez" or "Marilyn Monroe" type women and said "this is what I find hot". He was just messing with your head to knock you down. No doubt about it. As far as crying today while working out....well, I think that is a GOOD thing. Exercise helps rids your body of stress and toxins AND so do tears. hang in there. Karma will get him eventually, don't you worry. xoxo
May 3 - 7PM (Reply to #17)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Staying Strong78

Staying Strong78, I know you are right. It’s flat out cruel that he said to me! One part of my brain understands what you are saying, but the emotional part of me is still trying to piece it all together. I know I can’t make sense of crazy and I’m hoping my brain will start to step away from this type of thinking. I have a scientific type of mind, so my brain tries to figure things out…like a puzzle. I hope you are right about Karma…I truly truly truly hope he get’s his and then some. TovaBella P.S. Him attacking my physical shape was/is horrible for me. My self-esteem was already low before...I'm having to rebuild it daily one piece at a time. (shaking my head)
May 3 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
Steph
Steph's picture

TovaBella

"One part of my brain understands what you are saying, but the emotional part of me is still trying to piece it all together." That is SO normal in this whole process. Honestly. Trying to bridge the gap between our emotional self and our logical self is a long and complex process. It will happen though. Give you and that scientific mind of yours some time, love and patience! You'll get there:) Attacking your physical appearance is incredabley horrible and I am so sorry that he manipulated with that. I was bit by a dog when I was less than 2 years old. I have a scar from it on my face, on my cheek. Nothing horrendous, but it's there. It looks like a dimple when I smile and honestly, it NEVER really bothered me. I have always been told I am attractive, pretty, "hot" lol whatever.....but the last narc actually made a comment about it ....no one else ever had done this to me....and his comment really HURT. But...you know WHY he made the comment?? ...because other men were complementing me and showing me attention and "hitting on me" ...so the N needed to do SOMETHING to make ME feel bad, in order to make HIMself feel better. Just as your narc did to you. I am beautiful. No, I am not perfect, but I am still beautiful, flaws and all. And SO ARE YOU. And as far as Karma goes....I am a firm believer in it. You may not get to witness "karma" in action for him....but I still believe it will happen. When it happens, you will be so FAR away from thoughts of him that you won't even give a shit anyway. Now, go on and keep taking care of YOU and put that asshole in the back of your mind....and eventually OUT of your mind. Stay strong! xoxo
May 3 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Ohh this happened to me when

Ohh this happened to me when i worked out in the early days and to another friend of mine and we worked out that it was the endorphines that triggered it and what we found out is if you keep going though the tears and the angry feelings (as i would also get angry as the endorphines kicked in ) after a while the bad feelings stop and the good ones come back at the end of the work out as it should .. It was weired though , i was riding my bike round town lke a mad woman crying my eyes out one minute and cursing like a fish wife the next and by the end of the ride i was laughing my head off .. totaly mad but totaly normal .xx
May 3 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

My gosh Scoop! Thank

My gosh Scoop! Thank you...thank you...thank you! I thought I was losing it in the worst way. I did finish my workout and I did feel better. Before I read your response, I just was upset that it was uncontrollable...the second I stepped on and had my music blarring (sp?), I become a water works show. TovaBella
May 3 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Tovabella

He's a piece of shit! It's not you, my God you are a Dr. Screw him! He's jealous of you, the only way to lash back is to say what he said! I think you are amazing, yes it hurts you need to cry, you need to go thru the proces! Do Not talk to him, hearing from him will make things worse! I'm on Narc call if you need to vent. PM and I'll give you my number. Train yourself to feelgood about you! He's the one with low self esteem! Let the time pass, it will get better! God, I hate these Narcs! Hunter
May 3 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Hunter, I’m not a doctor,

Hunter, I’m not a doctor, but I am a specialty nurse (O.R. nurse possibly become a nurse anesthetist…waiting to see how my boards go)…but thank you! I’m still very proud of my career and all the hard work I’m putting into my field of specialty. Do you really think its jealousy, Hunter? If so, he disguised it well enough. He always made me feel like shit after I started giving him my full fledged opinion of his behavior. Any time he did ask about what I was up to and I told him I worked on cadavers or did clinical hours, he would say something that made what I was up to sound like I was a lame duck. It wasn’t quite bragging…but was at the same time…it was really weird. It was only when the topic of salary came up (by him of course…I don’t discuss money with anyone), that he would shut the hell up. That is, until he lied to get this new job. Loser! I don’t know if he now feels like he’s better than me, that he’s above my level or what, but regardless, he just walked away from me as if I was inferior to him. I know I can always count on your feedback and it means a lot to me…everyone’s opinion on here means a lot to me. Hunter, why do they think they are such hot shit?! For crying outloud…he’s not fucking perfect, but he acts like he is. He has a small dick, shaves his entire body because he’s an ape and he takes drugs to be muscular (although he denies it) and to top it off, he’s SO lacks intelligence. Where does some S.O.B come off thinking that he’s superior to me? Sorry for the questions, but this is the type of shit that floats in my head from time to time. TovaBella
May 3 - 12PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

TovaBella

It wouldn't matter if you were thinner, smarter, richer, famous, waited on him hand and foot, he is a disordered person and would have D and D'd you all the same. You (and your curves) are fabulous and you do not need validation of your fabulousness from a loser Narc. As for the 6 weeks NC with no outreach from the Narc - consider yourself lucky, really. My xN has been intermittently hoovering for the past 130 days and it is harder to stay NC and heep him out of my head. Keep up the good work! HUGS to you! Nan

Nan

May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Nan...do you know?

Nan, “It wouldn’t matter if you were thinner, smarter, richer, famous, waited on him hand and foot…” I’ve seen this proven with my own eyes. You are SO right! He dated a beautiful girl, who was smart, waited on him hand and foot, wanted to get married, start a family, she was 22, came from a family that wanted to buy them a house and everything. I was actually happy for him…thought maybe this would turn him around (this was before I knew better…before I knew what he was.) He found ridiculous things to complain about this sweet girl. He picked on her and made her cry and she became my hero…because she broke up with him. He said she took to long to get ready, that her taste was too expensive (after he already complimented her taste), that she was too close to her family and that she was too sensitive. So, as you first described, no one can really meet his standards…the y are just too damn near impossible to meet. Nan, why do you think these people think they are so special that they deserve to be around nothing but the best? Why do they view themselves as higher than high? I don’t get it! TovaBella
May 3 - 12PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

dry your tears

it would never be enough for them, if they had 20 Victora Secret women lined up he would want another 20 more and another 20 more - look within yourself for inner beauty and what really matters and I would wager to say I am sure you are very beautiful on the outside too, nightclub girls? Let him have them, most of them are just as fake and phony as they are. I know a man at work, male whore we call him, he probably screws three different women on any given weekend when he is out dont EVEN go down that road, its a world of who is prettier than the next, and really WHO CARES. Same empty, meaningless sex with that scene. When I go out with my girlfriends since I am older now I am a COUGAR, pleeeeeze ya and you are an asshole wanting in my cougar panties, one day those nightclub girls will be older and then what will they have? Learn to discover and appreciate the things in life that REALLY matter, I would rather watch my garden grown than my x psychopaths penis, ha ha ha you are beautiful and FINE just the way you are.
May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Neverlookback, You know, you

Neverlookback, You know, you are SO right about, “If they had 20 Victoria’s Secret women lined up he would want another 20 more and another 20 more…”. I’ve heard him say things like, “Well, she’s good for now, but as soon as the sex get’s old.” I’ve also heard him say other horrible things that are five times worse. Thank you for the inner and outer beauty compliments…I needed to hear it. I’ve always held inner beauty extremely important and dealing with this disgusting N has made me the opposite. I use to hear him say things that was the complete opposite…he ONLY looked at the outer appearance of women and would then try to throw in how the inside mattered too. I know he only added that because he was trying to make me believe he was a decent guy…yeah, right! Your job’s man whore sounds just like my Ex-N…he’s such a whore. Neverlookback, I’ll never forget this…once I told him that he seems to screw whores, he was SO offended! He actually had the audacity to say that I was completely wrong and that he was special and THAT’S why they chose to hook up with him. Good ‘ole N’s thinking they are SO special and better than everyone else. (shaking my head) You know, I always use to tell myself that he had standards and I felt special…he was only the second person I ever slept with and I know I was problem just one of the hundreds of notches on his bed post. It makes me feel dirty and gross. If I could castrate him on my O.R. table, I would…haha. In my mind, I’d be doing the world a favor. I know that’s mean and awful to say, but he’s hurt me so badly. TovaBella
May 3 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

NLB

Hahaha, I bet the garden grows faster? Glad you are back in the saddle! Hunter
May 3 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

ya

and its less work, and it stays in FULL bloom all summer long the garden doesnt WITHER and DIE on me, I give my garden a little love and it gives love back to me, something I will have to get accustomed to again - gee wonder what its like to give your love to a man and have it returned, I wonder what it truly FEELS like, I dont think I have ever known that. I should have stuck a bottle of MIRACLE GROW in my purse when I went to see him, either that or a library of porn, ha ha ha
May 3 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
spinning
spinning's picture

Hunter! You snagged a winner

with this post!!!! I am literally cracking up like a lunatic in my office!!!! Love you girl! love and hugs from, spinning (just a little today BUT STILL FIGHTING!)

spinning

May 3 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

TovaBella, dearheart,

it's okay to cry...especially when you are working out. LET IT OUT! It's okay. You are here so obviously you have taken a royal blow to your head and your heart. Being with disordered individuals does a number on us like no one believes. But you are at six weeks NC and THAT IS A MILESTONE! I'm at six months and mine has not even once tried to contact me...but that was part of his D & D, to erase me, to act as if I never existed after a six year "relationship," to make me small and insignificant...BUT IT DIDN'T WORK. Like you, I kept going. Worked out, cooked for myself, went back to yoga, slowly emerged from the fog and I did it with the help of this board and a lot of determination... So, it's okay to cry. I still do sometimes...but just a little and mostly it's for myself, for ignoring so much of my spirit. BUT NO LONGER. HERE'S A NEW WORKOUT ROUTINE I WANT YOU TO TRY... with each step on the eliptical that you take say "I am beautiful," "I am strong" "I am hot!" "I am a great person" "I have a nice smile" etc. I mean this. Even if you don't quite believe it, say those things over and over as you work out to get your thought process off of the DISORDERED ONE and onto YOU and how FABULOUS and happy you are and will be without his chaos, destruction, manipulation and lies in your life. When you shift the focus, good things begin to happen. Trust me on this. I know it's true. It takes time but it's worth the effort and patience. Be kind to yourself. You were the victim of a really bad, bad, disordered person with no feelings and no soul. You, however, have feelings, a soul, a beautiful spirit and a strong, capable, beautiful body. You will enjoy all of that and more soon! Big hugs to you Tova. You will find lots of help and support here. Sincerely, spinning (just a very little)

spinning

May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Spinning...thank you

Spinning, Thank you so much. Being with “disordered individuals” does really do a number on us. I do keep trying to tell myself that I should be proud of my six week mark of NC. It’s just so difficult to focus on the little positive when there is SO much negative that results from having them in your life and their HORRIFIC D&D behavior/actions. You mentioned you had a six year relationship…mine wasn’t far off…five years. I too have been trying to get back into routine…cooking, exercising and just having a life without him in it. It’s just so difficult, Spinning! He basically was my social life outside of being a medical student (becoming a O.R. nurse, possibly a nurse anesthetist…still awaiting board results.) Then all of the sudden, he get’s this job making thirty five thousand dollars more (because he lied about his salary and stole a client list from his previous employer) and now he says, he’s better and wants to start associating with better class people. (shaking my head in disgust and disbelief) I’m going to try your workout routine…thank you for making the suggestion. I’m doing my best to be kind to myself…he really did do a number on me and I hate him for it. Thank for the hugs, suggestions and support…I will use them and think of your powerful words/advice. TovaBella
May 4 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
fear for my sanity
fear for my sanity's picture

Hi Tovabella

Having read all the posts here today, I have to say that you sound like the kind of person any genuine man would be proud to have as his girlfriend as well as a very warm , loving person that anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. I can really identify with your tears after your workout. I had a similar experience today. I go swimming 3 times a week and was feeling so low and angry this morning that I almost didn't go but I forced myself because I thought it would help to get the anger out of my system. Well it did that, but in place of it came the tears! Tears are good, they prove we have feelings, that we are human and capable of love. Ns are not capable of loving, they get their rush by feeling superior and sometimes the only way they can do that is by putting people down. When they put you down, it often means that they know you are a better person than they are and they can't cope with that, but they are lazy and instead of working to become better people themselves they choose to knock the good ones down. The N did not verbally abuse me as I was not his girlfriend, just his friend. I am a curvy (very curvy!!) woman and N used to be very subtle in the way he put me down. He would make a derogatory remark about another woman of a similar shape to me in front of me. It used to make me feel uncomfortable at the time and I didn't like it, but it is only with hindsight that I can see how he was chipping away at my self-confidence. Deep down he knew I was a better person than him (and I am not being big-headed here!)and the only way he could put me down was by making those sort of comments because he obviously detected an insecurity in me about my shape. The tears will keep coming from time to time and the reminder of the hurtful things he said - don't worry about them, just let it out, but know that there is nothing wrong with the way you look or the way you are, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Don't cut yourself off from the people who love you for who you are. If you're like me at all, the N took up so much of my time that I neglected my other friends for a while. I have found it hard to get back into being sociable again but little by little, I'm getting there. Take good care of yourself because you are precious and the world needs good people like you in it.
May 4 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Fear for my Sanity

Fear for my sanity, Thank you so much for your response and for your compliments…they really mean a lot to me. I was really scared when I first lost it while exercising. I thought to myself, okay…I’m officially losing it and my only outlet is being taken away from me…what am I going to do?! I do agree with you that tears are good…I pushed through my workout and just let myself sob and I did feel better. I can really relate to your comment about your N making subtle derogatory remarks about other women of a similar shape in front of you. My ex-N did the EXACT same thing to me…only the women he would make derogatory remarks about, were actually less curvy than me and he would say that they could stand to lose a bit of weight. This made me cry internally every single time and made me think, well if he thinks she needs to lose weight, that must mean he thinks that even more so of me. It was just awful! I work on loving myself and building back my self-esteem everyday. I only hope karma come back to bite him in the a$$ and HARD too. A person shouldn’t be permitted to behave that way and get away with it…it is just flat out wrong. The ex-N was also almost my entire social life, so when he walked away without a trace, I was left hanging. I too have slowly been getting back to my social life with other friends and doing things I enjoy…but it’s been difficult. I’ve been told and have also been reading on here, that they can pop up at any time and this scares me a lot. I’ve already decided I will keep NC regardless, but still it’s bothersome. Again, thank you. TovaBella