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The Crazy making behavior..Remember it just long enough to break away from it all!!

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#1 Feb 19 - 2PM
this shall pass
this shall pass's picture

The Crazy making behavior..Remember it just long enough to break away from it all!!

some people think relationships are just a small portion of life and I've heard people say "just forget him, he was a jerk, just get over it!" I'm not for prolonging pain or dwelling on the past, and the sooner we can heal the better, yet I also know that one of the first steps toward healing is to acknowledge what we have been through. this is no regular breakup!There are times when I was truly starting to question my own sanity and I was filled with rage, stepping away to lock myself up and cry and scream far away from any place where people can hear me. At times, I banged my head against the wall and hit my legs out of frustration (this man's crazy making behavior was over the top sometimes, he would do things, then come ask me questions accusing me of stuff and telling me I told him things and did things I NEVER said or did) one time, my mother walked in on me and I had hit my head hard that I think I ruptured veins under my eyes and I had some purple bruise under my eyes, it was horrible, this is when he made up with me, was nice to me for a couple of days (to get attentions and some other stuff) then all of sudden he created an argument out of nothing ,said insulting and demeaning things to me, then hung up and he would not let me speak, he would hang up on me or block my number every time I tried to respond and explain myself after he uttered complete lies and false accusation toward me. He would tell me I told him things that I know I NEVER said (like that I told him I got together with a man or had feelings toward some guy..stuff like this) and I would be caught up in this mind-bending argument explaining myself and saying how that never happened in the first place, then he would disappear for a few days..right now he's in discard , devalue and ignore mode. I can't tell you how many times this has happened and you would think by now I know better to close the door on this disturbed soul and never let him in..
he was nice to me just two days ago, then out of no where, he started a new quarrel and now he blocked my number and does not talk to me or answer my calls, this is after he insulted me over a call (I was eating while talking to him and he said not to waste his time if I was busy doing other things, I said I'm just eating and I can talk to you, he said I don't care if you're resuscitating your dying mother, if you're doing something else, don't waste my time!!" so I left him a lone for a short while, then he still had attitude and told me "go get attention from you family.." and some more stuff, he often would say things to imply that I'm having some sexual relation with my family, what a sick freaked up man! he would say go be with your father, or go let you brother have his way with you! some sick and twisted stuff like that, then when I get angry and tell him how disrespectful he's been he'll hang up on me and ignore my calls for days...

right now, I'm keeping myself reminded of the horrible things he said just so I can gather the strength to walk away. he's been horrible to me lately and I'm literally losing my mind, looking to make sense of a man who is soo crazy-making and disturbed and alternates between being kind and loving to being so cruel, doubtful, paranoid and abusive..I'm DONE with this!

I'm sorry that my message is long, and please feel free to share your thoughts and feeling or anything. I'm writing because I've been seeing how helpful it is to state those experiences. Sometimes I repressed all the things that have been done to me to the point where I push them away somewhere in my being but there' not gone for good, they linger around and take their toll on me, so getting them out and remembering how miserable it's been at time is good in moments when I feel like reaching out to him..

Thank you for listening to me. Stay strong! you're doing good and I truly believe that better days will come.

Mar 1 - 3PM
jones
jones's picture

Please call the National domestic abuse center 800-799-SAFE

You are not the crazy one he is literally. He is driving you crazy because he gets pleasure out of seeing your emotions because he has no emotions. He is brain washing you with lies and has been since day one. Please call the National Domestic Abuse Violence Hot line today 800-799-SAFE. (usa) they will help you with an Exit Plan and its will be nice for you to talk with someone who knows what you are going through. My husband did the same thing that you are describing and when I left I had a stress breakdown because I literally had so much cortisol running through my body that I could not think clearly and my adrenal glands were shot. You have PTSD from being in a abusive relationship and must get out. Please call your parents and tell them what is going on in your relationship. My husband keep telling me that I could not or should not trust anyone so that he could isolate me from everyone and guess what it worked. I never told anyone that I was being abused. I was embarrassed to go the my local abuse center I cried the entire first meeting with a counselor she suggested that I attend a group meeting which I did. I can tell you that it was one of the best things I did for myself because hearing the stories from 40 women and seeing their emotion were raw just like mine helped me moved back toward reality again. You are in a abusive relationship and the cycle is always the same the tension cycle, then the abusive cycle and then the honey moon cycle. YOu are in the abusive cycle and this cycle will never change this will be your relationship with him for the next 50 years...this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. Please call the center today if you are not in the USA then google your countries national domestic center. ps check out Laurakamienski.blogspot.com and lovefraud.com websites and steven hassan "cult mind control" (this is exactly what your husband/bf is doing to you he is a mini cult leader)
Mar 1 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
jones
jones's picture

this is a safe place.

Just on last thing...no one is going to judge you for what has happened to you so please feel free to open up we all have had things that have happened at the hands of our abusers that are embarrassing to us but part of moving forward in recovery is speaking them out load or writing them out load. This is a safe place to write them, although I am new at posting I have read from this site for quite a while.
Mar 1 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
this shall pass
this shall pass's picture

Thank you Jones

I have actually spoke to therapist dealing mainly with domestic violence and I'm now talking to another therapist that deals with NPD abuse and she said I might have PTSD. I definitely feel my emotions fluctuating, my head like it's in a fog and my anxiety levels going up, waking me up sometimes in the middle of the night and then I have a hard time going back to sleep.. I'm not living with my family, but often I just lock myself in my room and cry till I feel better or read/write on this forum. I can't really tell my parents because they never approved of my relationship with this man in the first place and they would not empathize with me anyway. Secondly, they are quite conservative and some of the sexual and mental abuse I suffered would be really tough to convey to them and they'd be devastated and in quite a shock. I'm sometimes wondering how I can share all these details here, yet I feel like I can't speak to my family. Also when it comes to friend, very few of them are actually still in my life "he made sure to alienate and make me push away most of them, even to the point of writing a few people who were supportive in my life, he had me write them emails, saying to not communicate with me anymore and I actually did it! I can't believe how sickening his control was over me!" I'm working on my healing, little by little. Some day I feel normal and like i took a big leap forward and on other days, I start recalling the horrible things he's said and done and feel the pain and damage caused..but I plan on not dwelling on the past and hopefully moving beyond the pain to live a fulfilling life. I hope you are also doing and feeling better. Thank you once again for you message!
Mar 1 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
jones
jones's picture

I have been exactly where you

I have been exactly where you are now and I wish that I would have reached out to my family and friends but my husband had me so brain washed not to. My family too are conservative and never really said they did not like him but I could tell that they thought I could do better....which they were correct. You do not have to share everything with your family if they are like my family they will love you know matter what has happened and want you safely away from this abusive man who is in your life. Here is what I have learned with regards to PTSD: our adrenal glands which regulate our blood sugar, blood pressure, 50 hormones, cortisol and adrenal level are not working correctly because of the stress and it is causing chaos in your body and effecting your thinking. please google these websites for more info on healing your body and mind: 1) Dr Wilson adrenal fatigue website and take the questionnaire. Also have your doctor test you for cortisol levels with a saliva test from ZRT.Com website. Start taking a good vitamin b complex 2 am/1 noon/1 2:30pm/ 2 at bedtime...see dr wilson website my doctor had be take his super adrenal stress formula (which is just vitamin b complex) and adrenal rebuilder. 2) Dr Fuhrman Eat to Live website if you can do a vegan diet for a month you will be shocked at how great you feel but most importantly it is flooding your body with vitamins and minerals to help you think clearly and also to help regulate your adrenal gland. 3) women to women.com website for hormone info 4) dr christin northrup hormonal info 5) Steven Hassan cult mind control Phenix another poster posted a great article on adrenal gland yesterday which I would highly recommend you read. The longer you stay in your abusive relationship the longer your recovery time will be. I was just like you when I left that I did not want to share my story what I now know is that this is exactly what my husband put in my head so that I would not leave and he would not be found out as an abuser. THe hot line number 800-799-SAFE is available 24/7 so if you get upset in the middle of the night reach out and let them do all the talking first you will eventually open up I know I did now I dont mind telling details of my marriage. Please be safe I am truly worried about you.
Mar 1 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
this shall pass
this shall pass's picture

Thank you for the links you

Thank you for the links you shared Jones! and for sharing your experience as well. It does bring me some comfort to know that there is a life and whole word out there following this horrendous experience. I have been in total isolation (and also denial on my part) for too long and I can't continue to live like this. He often explained things on the basis of having privacy and not exposing our problems to the outside world, and I actually bought this world argument, now come to think about it, it's more about control than guarding privacy or respecting the "sacredness of the relation" because in actuality, a lot of what he said and did would fall under utter disrespect and disregard to any sanctity of sacredness of the relation. It's taking me a little time to get over the shock of finding out that everything I saw and believed to be for one reason, turned out to be for a whole different reason.. Thank you for sharing the hotline number and I'm very thankful for the forum here and the supportive and empathetic energy I feel. We are all blessed in a way to have gotten here before it's too late. Peace and blessing to you!
Mar 1 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
jones
jones's picture

When I first started dating

When I first started dating my husband he told me he hated when his past gf asked his family or friends questions about him so guess what I did not ask. He lied about everything he told me and he lectured me about everything which eventually changed my thinking thats the hardest part for me to accept but after reading Steven hassans books there is hope in getting back to the old me. Like you I grew up in a conservative house hold and my husbands was the complete opposite there were no boundaries at all, no limitations on what the kids could not do even though his mom tried to set them he and his brother would steam roll over them and she would punish him and he would talk his way out of the punishment...just like our marriage he is a master with word manipulation. He was the complete opposite of my prior life....big RED FLAG which he twisted my head to ignore. I like being conservative much better its suits me, I also like routine which he did not. My husband would limit my sleep, how I eat, who I talked with everything which is hard to believe because I was so independent prior to meeting him. These type of men use mind control to change our thinking and this allows them to cross any boundary which we have set. I would never think that a cult could suck me into a cult group but I was sucked into a abusive relationship and they are just the same. My husband used the same tactics as a cult leader its so crazy that I recognized this during the marriage but could not leave. Keep reading all the post plus the other website it will help you to move back to your old thinking and that will help you to finally leave. you should be so proud of yourself for researching info so that it will give you the strength to leave. ps look up the term "gas lighting sociopath". its a technique they use to make us feel like we are going crazy also "projection" your husband/bf is using these on you.
Feb 20 - 6AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Self-Esteem

This is what one woman below mentioned. It is self-esteem which compels people to say: "Get over it." I used to suffer so much over men. And my girlfriends would say the same thing: Get over it. And I thought they did not understand. But now I see that I was not the one to understand self-esteem. There are many women out there, including myself, who when the first Red Flag is raised are outta there. Never a thought. Never a look back. Dude's a jerk. Delete. After my experience with my N, I am much less needy & much more self-reliant. I did learn something. The question is, why are you still with this man? If you are married, there are ways to leave. I did. I planned for about 4 months, but I got out of there. And that cost money & a loss of personal property. But better than staying in that hell hole. You seem to have recognized the pattern of abuse. So, now, why are you staying? May have to do with your self-esteem. What are you waiting for? He ain't gonna change. Only gets worse because the abuser sees that you have no self-esteem so he has no respect for you.
Feb 19 - 11PM
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Run, Run, Run.

I have been NC for a little over 2 months, and so much anxiety is finally leaving my body and soul. I really loved my narc for over 6 years. I thought I was going to marry him. I believed it, even up until the NC. But, it FINALLY hit me after all these years, he wasn't going to change, no matter what I said or how I acted. So, why, why, why would I waste any more precious time??!! The remarkable thing about NC is that my self esteem has come back and my work is going so much BETTER!! I deserve so much better, and so do you!! You must not settle for crumbs. And he is giving you crumbs, just like my N did in the end. And I accepted it. I find myself these days more angry at me then him because I ACCEPTED IT!! My narc did so many crazy making things, he would tell me how much he loved me one day, then disappear for two weeks. He would say I can't wait to see you, then be "unavailable" for the weekend bc he was with OW. He would tell me how insecure I was if I questioned him. I caught him with someone else, and he said they were "just friends" even though they shared the same bed in the same hotel room for an entire weekend!! And he says that I am a jealous person and made me feel like there was something wrong with me!! You see what I mean? These guys are so crazy making that they make you doubt yourself when you do the right thing and that is how we got stuck. It's because we are good people and so we tried harder. But is was there BS the whole time. It's not right. You MUST run, run, run away from this person. Will you miss him? Yes and no. You will miss what you thought you had. I feel the pain in my heart still when I think of him. But I will NEVER NEVER NEVER AGAIN, allow ANYONE to treat me that way. You deserve better!! DO NOT ALLOW FOR BAD BEHAVIOR. You deserve to be happy. And what he is giving you and what my N gave me, was not normal and not happy. I hope this helps. xoxoACgirl
Feb 20 - 3AM (Reply to #10)
this shall pass
this shall pass's picture

Thank you ACgirl

Thank you for sharing your insight and your story and for your encouraging words. wow! so much of what you talk about I have been through myself and I surely feel like I have been given crumbs, a few kind words here and there, a few moments of peace, then the crazy-making resumes again. I find myself often times at work wondering what he's up to when he has disappeared. I feel like if I copy and paste the last conversation we had online (him and I) you would clearly see how ridiculous and insane it is. It often goes me asking him a question, and him completely avoiding it, asking 5 different questions, then leaving the conversation sayin I'm not to be trusted and that I'm unstable and have issues. I used to always be a happy individual with little worries. I had my moments of stress but overall, I like to share positivity and if I don't have anything good to share, then I would rather be silent, but for him, he really unleashed so much negativity on me for no apparent reason.. Thank you once again and your example of NC serves as a motivation and inspiration to me. stay strong and be well! you're right! you deserve so much better as you said and so do I :) Peace
Feb 19 - 6PM
Fearless
Fearless's picture

PLEASE get out...RUN

...get out now. You are physically harming yourself due to this sick man. I did the same because of my nerves from all the "crazymaking" tactics he used on me. I would claw my skin (literally) until I bleed. My sheets looked like I had been shot by a machine gun each morning I woke up. Now my once beautiful smooth even toned skinned is ruined...looks like scars from leprocy or something. If I had left earlier I would have spared myself this added agony. My nerves are getting better and my skin is healing... may not be smooth and even toned but MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND MENTAL HEALTH is stable now so I haven't clawed in a while...thank goodness. Hitting your head is pretty serious honey. Please do this for yourself. If at all possible leave him now. -fefe

FeFe

Feb 20 - 6AM (Reply to #7)
this shall pass
this shall pass's picture

FeFe

Thank you for your comment FeFe! It really is frightening the effect some people can have on us and how we inflict this pain upon ourselves which is nothing really but a reflection of the inner pain and torment they possess inside which they managed to dump on us and make us claim it. The way I see it is that no longer should their reality be mine. there is an article I read about that which I would like to share with you and the other members on the forum. Here it is! http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-is-life-so-hard-and-how-do-we-change-that/ I hope that you will regain your beautiful toned skin again. Believe me the body is very resilient and it will heal and recover when we get it its due love, care and proper attention. There are moments when I really wondered if I will live past few years from now because of all the stress and pain I was feeling which scared me. My mother was so concerned a couple of times when she heard me hitting my head and she thought I was hitting another object because the sound was high. I also did not realize at times how my broken and shaken nerves caused me to inflict pain on my self. I truly hear you and feel you on the nerves issue and I hope you fully heal and recover soon. you're in my thoughts and prayers and thank you once again for sharing! Peace
Mar 1 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

You know thats what I noticed

How bloody ragged my skin/hair looks ..it better be temporary..laughing !!!!! Bad food, drinking, smoking, crying etc. etc.
Feb 19 - 5PM
phantom adoration
phantom adoration's picture

take solace

in your understanding of this disorder. He is sick, mean and cruel. He is destroying you, bit by bit and will only be content when he has smashed you to pieces emotionally. He is doing a good job of controlling you and he is succeeding in achieving his goal of total destruction. Your reactions and symptoms speak to his success. The only hope you have is to run, not walk, run and continue reading and posting here. Get therapy immediately. You must stay focused. NO CONTACT! It hurts, it sucks, it is not fair, but these are the cards you have been dealt and you have to be smart now, no more gambling on his being a nice guy. Never going to happen, a risk you can not afford. The good moments you recall are not worth the cost of what you are now suffering and will suffer again and again. I have only been here a few weeks but am turning a corner. Good Luck
Feb 20 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
this shall pass
this shall pass's picture

Thank you PA

Thank you for your encouraging words..you're right about the running! and I have heard people say it many times. I'm now beginning to realize how the good moments are just crumbs (as another forum reader commented) and we all deserve better than to be given crumbs and have someone fluctuating with us so mentally and emotionally.. Thank you once again! :)
Feb 20 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Honey

Why are you with this guy? Explain to me... Do you live with him? Do you have children? Your post made me want to hug you and shake you..explain how you feel to me please..I know about Ns etc but I dont want to assume a situation... x
Mar 1 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
this shall pass
this shall pass's picture

Hi Snonwflake Thank you for

Hi Snonwflake Thank you for being willing to listen to me and for offering an ear. Ironically, I don't even live in the same area as this person anymore. I had to move for a job and we're far away from each other. I met him about 5 years ago and we've been together for over 3 years. He met me at a time when I was dealing with a serious health issue and he was kind and supportive at first and motivated to break away and recover. However, his behavior always gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach and my whole being. He barely shared with me anything about his life but always encouraged me to share with him about my past. I opened up to him and told him about things in my life that I have been through only for him to use it against later on and throw it in my face and shame me with it. even things I went through with abuse from family or relationships that were not my own doing or I had no say in he used against me in such a malicious and vindictive ways. He would say the cruelest things and then when I would get upset and start crying, he would say "this is your problem, you take things personal..." I don't have children with this person, although often time, he spoke about the possibility of this happening one day and I'm no longer in my 20s now and I would really like to have a family and children one day. I feel like I stayed with him hoping one day, he will care about me and see me for who I truly am (with my imperfections, past and all that I have been through) and that we could create a life together..I feel like I have been deceived and he only utilized me. lately, I think he only reaches out when he has certain needs unmet, and I would comfort him or support him in whatever way I can, then shortly after, he'll dish out all this mean and hurtful words (not actions at this point since he's not in the same area but in the past it used to be bot, in words and deeds) and then disappear for a few days, then reappear again and tell me how I have all these issues but that he still cares about me and see us growing old together and that no one can fill his life the way I do and so on.. to me, if you love someone and care about them, then why can't you be consistently nice (I know we all have our days or our moments) but compassion, kindness and empathy should be the rule, not the exception..also, it's beyond me how someone can ask you questions, then refer to the subject later one and tell you that you made certain confessions about being with someone else and that you better remember or acknowledge that you lied! this is soooo crazy!! anyway, I guess if you ask me, there's really no good reason..however, I must say that he has not been able to do all these freaked up stuff over night, it was soo gradual and it feels like it's been gradually taking me away from my true self. He had pushed me in the direction of totally alienating myself from the very few people I had in my life. I have traveled and lived in many countries in the world and love learning about people, languages and culture and so I had friend in various parts of the world I was in touch with on facebook, and he made it shut down my account and I have lost touch with all the people in years! he would often refer to my travel, work and study experience as being some kind of an international whore and that the whole purpose of my being and my travel is to gain attention and get with different men! I used to feel so disgusted when he would take things I shared with him and basically twist them around..he used to also accuse me (if I even looked in the direction of a man) that I must have something going on with him. He would ask me when we're going around in the car "do you know him? have you been with him?" and point at random people in the streets whom I have never even seen before!!! he would look through my phone and check to see whom I sent messages to and so on. Some of my female friends who were going through health issues and never told anyone, he looked at message from them and it made me sooo angry and embarrassed that I could not guard their privacy... Part of me is writing all of this, not to bore you with all the details, but to simply also remind myself of the horrendous things he's done. I truly hope you would keep me in your positive thoughts that I gather the necessary strength to move on and not cave in from the memories of remembering the good that was little compare to the hurtful things Thank you once again for listening..Peace!
Feb 20 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
this shall pass
this shall pass's picture

why am I with this guy

Hi Snonwflake Thank you for being willing to listen to me and for offering an ear. Ironically, I don't even live in the same area as this person anymore. I had to move for a job and we're far away from each other. I met him about 5 years ago and we've been together for over 3 years. He met me at a time when I was dealing with a serious health issue and he was kind and supportive at first and motivated to break away and recover. However, his behavior always gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach and my whole being. He barely shared with me anything about his life but always encouraged me to share with him about my past. I opened up to him and told him about things in my life that I have been through only for him to use it against later on and throw it in my face and shame me with it. even things I went through with abuse from family or relationships that were not my own doing or I had no say in he used against me in such a malicious and vindictive ways. He would say the cruelest things and then when I would get upset and start crying, he would say "this is your problem, you take things personal..." I don't have children with this person, although often time, he spoke about the possibility of this happening one day and I'm no longer in my 20s now and I would really like to have a family and children one day. I feel like I stayed with him hoping one day, he will care about me and see me for who I truly am (with my imperfections, past and all that I have been through) and that we could create a life together..I feel like I have been deceived and he only utilized me. lately, I think he only reaches out when he has certain needs unmet, and I would comfort him or support him in whatever way I can, then shortly after, he'll dish out all this mean and hurtful words (not actions at this point since he's not in the same area but in the past it used to be bot, in words and deeds) and then disappear for a few days, then reappear again and tell me how I have all these issues but that he still cares about me and see us growing old together and that no one can fill his life the way I do and so on.. to me, if you love someone and care about them, then why can't you be consistently nice (I know we all have our days or our moments) but compassion, kindness and empathy should be the rule, not the exception..also, it's beyond me how someone can ask you questions, then refer to the subject later one and tell you that you made certain confessions about being with someone else and that you better remember or acknowledge that you lied! this is soooo crazy!! anyway, I guess if you ask me, there's really no good reason..however, I must say that he has not been able to do all these freaked up stuff over night, it was soo gradual and it feels like it's been gradually taking me away from my true self. He had pushed me in the direction of totally alienating myself from the very few people I had in my life. I have traveled and lived in many countries in the world and love learning about people, languages and culture and so I had friend in various parts of the world I was in touch with on facebook, and he made it shut down my account and I have lost touch with all the people in years! he would often refer to my travel, work and study experience as being some kind of an international whore and that the whole purpose of my being and my travel is to gain attention and get with different men! I used to feel so disgusted when he would take things I shared with him and basically twist them around..he used to also accuse me (if I even looked in the direction of a man) that I must have something going on with him. He would ask me when we're going around in the car "do you know him? have you been with him?" and point at random people in the streets whom I have never even seen before!!! he would look through my phone and check to see whom I sent messages to and so on. Some of my female friends who were going through health issues and never told anyone, he looked at message from them and it made me sooo angry and embarrassed that I could not guard their privacy... Part of me is writing all of this, not to bore you with all the details, but to simply also remind myself of the horrendous things he's done. I truly hope you would keep me in your positive thoughts that I gather the necessary strength to move on and not cave in from the memories of remembering the good that was little compare to the hurtful things Thank you once again for listening..Peace!