Crazy bows to a bigger monster in 2014, REGRET

2014 is here and from the bottom of my broken heart I hope each and every one of the strong, incredible ladies on this site had a positive new year with at least some feelings of piece if nothing else. I still continue to read your stories and hope that one day I can reach a place of strength and clarity that some have achieved. I am writing this post as I have not commented or offered any of my thoughts on anyone’s stories strictly because I feel I am not stable enough to give advice or past the hurt enough to make anything better for anyone. A lot of you have talked about journaling and how it aids in the healing process. I must have picked up a pen and notebook about a thousand times but I can’t put anything down on paper. I don’t want to have a literary record of things past and I feel pouring my heart out on paper will only leave me feeling empty. My relationship with the N put me in some very bad scenarios, ones I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but I’m beginning to feel numb to them as if they never happened or were so far back in the relationship it means nothing. I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse for leaving my ex. Things were better the last time around and I just panicked when things started to go wrong and bailed. Everyday he would beg for me to come back, I knew he said things and made promises out of desperation but I have done the same. I feel like after all we had been through he had been making some progress and I just broke it off. I have remained in NC only because I can’t bear to hear him telling how much he likes his new girlfriend and how he is going to be treating her the way a woman deserves to be treated. Maybe I deserve this for leaving but it haunts me. It’s like a mantra that has been programmed in my head that goes off every couple minutes; it’s the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. I understand that this is an illness but what if I am wrong, regardless of the pain he has caused I care for him on deep level and it is hard for me to let go of someone I love so much. The thought of loving another makes me feel sick, like betrayal and I fear I will always be alone whether or not I am in the arms of another. The house I just bought feels empty; my environment doesn’t mean much to me when I don’t have the man I love to share it with. Like a horror movie I can see his ghost haunting my halls and all the things that could have been here and what this place was intended for play out in my head. I can hear his daughters laughter and her calling out to me and I want to burn the place down just to make it stop. The battle my brain started with my heart has fizzled into regret and I can’t even remember what made me think this battle would have been worth it, my heart always wins especially when it comes to the man who has possession of it. For now this is my form of journaling, I feel if I put my love out there for people to acknowledge that it makes it real and somehow Mark will feel it. I know he is with her this other woman he has idealized so publicly and it kills, the things keeping me away is that I do not want to be put in the role of the crazy ex he kept around the whole time we were together. I read Goldie’s post about the roles they put us in and keep us in and it really hit home. I do feel I was meant for a certain role and for whatever reason he upgraded me to girlfriend, I cannot be demoted to booty call or any other level of supply, this would surely destroy any attempt at a functioning existence. I cannot be second to a woman who has not bled for this man. He would not want me when he sees what I have become, I am a sad, unkept, unhealthy shell of who he fell in “love” with and he has himself a young beautiful girl still full of dreams and confidence that can look into his eyes without a shred of doubt or pain.
Every loving and meaningful memory I have of him visit me everyday and It hurts to think that he has forgotten them or found something that overrides these. I am afraid to leave my house and go to events or concerts with friends in fear of seeing him with her. I gave him everything I could yet the feeling of guilt for the things I didn’t ‘t give him out of fear break me down and leave me stranded on the path of what if. So it’s 2014 and while I was hopeful for a new perspective but I feel as empty as ever. I can’t help but wonder if at the end of my days he will still be the one occupying my mind, living in my heart and penetrating my soul.