courlie's story

New to this...I'm really sorry it's so long

Hi everyone! I guess I just need to get my experiences out in the open to continue healing. I'm 19 years old and started dating my ex-boyfriend the March before I graduated high school. He honestly seemed too good to be true. He was sweet, generous, funny, understanding, mature, etc. I thought I had gotten the full package and felt so blessed to have him in my life. He lied to me about a month in and told me if I hadn't found out he wouldn't have told me. RED FLAG!! I gave him the benefit of the doubt like a fool and we continued onwards. He told me he loved me about three months in I was beyond happy. I loved him by this point too; I fell hard and fast for him. I gave him my virginity after some insisting on his part (he said he just wanted to share it with me because I was his world). Throughout the summer we had fights constantly. He never stood up for me and told me I was irrational. Then when I would tell him I was done he would go hysterical and sucker me back in. This literally happened the WHOLE summer.

We went off to different colleges but still decided to make it work. He honestly ruined my entire freshman year. He isolated me from all my friends because he knew I would always talk to him if he asked or got upset. So I was alone out at college, away from everyone I cared about. Whenever we fought, he always cried and made me feel like the bad guy. Everything he said was a complete contradiction and then when I would tell him nothing he said made sense, he would make me seem like the crazy one.

I found out he had lied about many things while at college although he had sworn on MY life (yes not his) he would never lie, hurt me, or leave me. He lied about hanging out with certain people, he lied about being busy so he couldn't talk to me, he lied about wanting to get engaged when he said he had planned. He isolated me to the point where I had no one while he went on having a wonderful experience. I broke up with him and he went hysterical BUT I didn't fall for it again. And then, after he came on his hands and knees begging me back I agreed. He said he would never lie to me again because I was his everything and he couldn't breathe without me. Well, the cycle repeated itself until he had hung out with these two girls after we had gotten into a fight. He started to become distant and insensitive (more so than he was). I would tell him he made me feel worthless and he wouldn't respond. After a month of this, I broke it off. I was devastated but I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm already clinically depressed and the stress was bringing me really far into overwhelming sadness. He was uncaring at first and then two days later cried to me telling me he was so sorry again and he was an idiot and he missed me. I told him he needed help and he swore he'd get some. He visited me 4 days later, acting like everything was fine and even convinced me to sleep with him. Then he dumped me 2 days after that.

No closure, no say, no confidence. He left me broken to my core. He was so cruel to me and I still tried to convince him I was worthy. I apologized for everything and said I was to blame for everything and he was a wonderful person. He said we're not right for each other and hung up on me. Then he tried to be my friend and told me he still loved me but the timing wasn't right at the moment. At first I agreed but then my dignity came back for a second. I told him I was done and to never contact me again. He told me he didn't love me anymore and goodbye. Well, other things happened during this time that made NO sense at all but the detail would make this even longer. Pretty much I found out he had a new girlfriend 2 weeks after we started no contact and she turned out to be a girl he hung out with at school (a school that he had transferred to closer to me). It's like I was never anything to him and was replaceable within a few days. I gave him everything I had and he took it and stomped on it. I became majorly depressed at school and considered suicide. I had to come home every weekend to maintain any sanity although I was 6 hours away. This was two months ago and I'm just starting to smile again. I started to go to a therapist which has helped a lot... especially since my meds weren't right. I just feel alone on this because no one I have to talk to has been though this. He was my first everything because I waited till someone special and he took advantage of everything. I'm just so fearful I'll be used like this in the future.

If you're at this point of the story, thank you so much for caring to read. I'm sure many people wont read this but if you do, it means a lot to me. I just want other people to talk to who have experienced this too. He was emotionally abusive, physically abusive (he gave me staph infections and UTIs constantly without caring), and beyond selfish. Even if no one reads this, I feel better now. So I guess joining the site was a good idea regardless. =)