Conversation with my Buddhist friend

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Mariline
Mariline's picture
Conversation with my Buddhist friend

I have a very dear friend who happens to be a Buddhist ( Nichiren).
She received her Gohonzon recently and she invited me to it, it was quite moving.
I talked with her and I asked her : why is happening this? I KNOW I did the right thing but suddenly this voice tells me that after all I could be more tolerant, that I have been selfish, I start missing stupid details....

She looked me straight in my eyes and she told me:
okay let's talk about this man.
A man who had two failed marriages behind him, and the last with his wife escaping to a woman shelter with three kids. A man whose sister lives with mice and whose parents have been wearing the same sweaters in the last ten years ( yes I forgot to mention you girls these other details). A man who gave you an Easter egg chocolate ring. A man who at 61 yrs old had no working plans for you two living together: or he wanted you to move to US with a 9 yrs old child and taking the chance to lose the custody, or he simply comes in your house and makes you pay for everything.
Can you face another mouth to feed? Because it is as simple as that. everything this "love" is about.
Do you want to know why you are wondering this, you at 42, a strong and young woman who is missing a 61 yrs old piece of crap?
It happens because you don't love yourself. You do not trust your judgement. You listen to that voice that in Buddhism is called " the darkness demons" who is telling you: come on, I know that this man was far from perfect but after all who can possibly want you? Don't you see that your life is a failure and you are failure and everything you touch is a failure? So come on and go back crawling to the only crap who happens to stand you.

I was stunned. It was all so true. I thought to have started loving me, but it not true yet.

Just wanted to share this with you girls.

Briseis
Briseis's picture
One thing I remember hearing
One thing I remember hearing at a Buddhist meditation group was the teacher talking about having a very dysfunctional friend, who borrowed money but never repaid (in spite of promises) got himself into all kinds of trouble, very dependent and would go into rages. PRobably some kind of narc or personality disorder. Anyway, he talked about YEARS of applying Buddhist wisdom in this relationship. Tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness, kindness. Then he went to HIS teacher with this issue, and his teacher was furious with him! He told him "You want to be a teacher, and you are HURTING your friend. Every time you give him another chance to lie, to cheat or steal from you, take advantage of you, call you names and shout . . . you are enabling him to suffer." Basically, by allowing your Narc to run your life, dictate what you should think, humiliate you, steal from you, lie to you, cheat on you . . . you are making their suffering WORSE. It is not kind or compassionate to give in to them. It fosters their bad behavior. Christians would say you are "allowing" him to sin. Because what he is doing is "sinful", or causes him to suffer more. It's really a trip to think of it like this . . . a complete topsy turvy! But it really rings true to me. Your Buddhist friend really cut through the crap, eh? LOL. That was a real gift you got, Mariline :)
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Enabling
A Buddhist teacher at a local temple said a similar thing recently. It is NOT compassionate to indulge another's sin/abuse. Buddhism teaches compassion, equanimity... but it does NOT mean enabling another's abuse. 7 years ago, I wrote a postcard to the ex-P, and I gave him one SINCERE apology. It was that I had enabled him in his bad behavior/habits. It's the sort of apology one would hear at an intervention, when a parent apologizes to her child for willfully turning a blind eye to his drug addiction. I apologized to the ex-P for LOTS of things I shouldn't have... but THAT apology was REAL. I had been his enabler; that was MY fault. I had fed his addiction.
lisalisa47
lisalisa47's picture
Now THIS is the way i believe and what gets me through
life's turmoils, and how its for us to deal with to make sense of things non sensical... LML

LML

Mariline
Mariline's picture
WHY?
Why did I not stick this topic on my fridge door? It would have avoided me another bunch of c***. He has phoned me and I answered. Yes yes yes I know. You can say whatever you want, you are correct. I basically told him that if he wanted to start again he had to come here and talk with me face by face. Of course he said it was too expensive ( everything is always too expensive, I am the broke one and the one who paid everything). I told him that you fight for what you want and if this was important for him he would have done it. Then again the names started, he told me that I am not mature ( ME!!!!! He at 61 yrs old does not even live by himself but with his parents!!!) He told me that I "refuse to take my responsibilities". And he lied enormously, stating that he spent a lot of money when he came here last summer. WHAT THE F***? I paid EVERYTHING all he bought were a couple of leaves of salad ( he is the vegan one) a couple of times and nothing else!! This is a plain lie, he lives really in a delusional state of mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay I shut down the phone yelling and now I am shaking. This is what I deserve for answering that damned phone!!!!!!!!!
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture
Great book
Just wanted to recommend a book for anyone following this thread who may be interested. It's called 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is based on ancient toltec wisdom, very simple to read and is all about how we have bought into false beliefs about ourselves through family and cultural conditioning. It really helped me to smash through some of my tougher false beliefs about myself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

herlatestvictim
herlatestvictim's picture
Thank you for this!
I can clearly remember that a HUGE source of my pain while dealing with my ex-N was the feeling that I was not "good enough." I was being treated like CRAP but I was still "not good enough." My ex-N brought up ALL my childhood stuff, being raised by an N-mom and an invisible dad. All the crap I struggled to overcome came right back... Now that I am back on track, I am so embarassed that I let someone treat me SOOOO bad-again. I have to forgive myself for that. Thank you for this post.
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture
This is a great message!
This is a great message! Thank you for posting this today! I've finally realised that I have to find the love in myself! That in that I will grow and mature! Become whole again in my own skin! Functioning and creating! I don't know how it is that we all forgot to rake care of this element of our lives long ago! No matter! We have found this saving grace now! Thank the universe for that! I'm goin to rebuild my life, bigger and better and more wonderful than before! X thanks for this post! Xx
janine
janine's picture
Loving yourself
I could not agree more with what your friend told you and what Betty says. You can only give love to others when you love yourself. Then you will do what is good for you and avoid poisonous people. You will be able to pity them without having to act on it. Took me years to get there. And doesn't it explain perfectly, why a narcissist simply cannot love you, when he has to keep blowing up his ego to hide his poor loveless self?
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture
Smashing through our unconsious false beliefs
"I am not good enough" "I am not important" "I am invisible" "Everybody else comes first" "All the bad things that happen are my fault" My false beliefs from my dysfunctional childhood - the non verbal messages I picked up from circumstance and my FOO's dysfunctional behaviours. "what person could possibly love me?" "I'm weak and pathethic" "I'd better see if I can stick this out no-one else will want me now!" "I deserve this treatment, I am so bad" ALL FALSE, FALSE, FALSE, NOT ONE STATEMENT IS TRUE. The key for me has been in dismantling these false beliefs and coming to terms with the original wounds that first put them there. For me I have only been able to do it with a great therapist and genuine support groups. My self beliefs go more like this these days:- "I am a good human being" "I am a great parent" "I am equally as important as anyone else" "My emotional wellbeing is my top priority" "I am worthy of my own love and kindness" "One day perhaps I will be ready for a healthy relationship" Big big difference and not a narc in sight except for ex N co-parent but he knows where my boundaries are now and where not to tread! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

Susan32
Susan32's picture
False beliefs
Thanks for posting those affirmations! I've been going to Religious Science/Unity, and they're into positive affirmations. Sometimes I'll read them aloud, or post them on my refrigerator (one of them frames my baby nephew's picture) Those negative mantras of- "I'm not good enough" "I'm not important" "I'm weak&pathetic" What a SHAME is that my ex-P professor propounded those. Aren't teachers supposed to ENCOURAGE? In hindsight, I can see why the rest of my professors were ALWAYS encouraging me, building up my confidence, engaging with me intellectually--at some level, they KNEW what I was going through. I was able to succeed because of them. They had faith in me. They knew I could succeed, knew I could graduate. They saw him tearing me down-but they brought the positive reinforcement. I was able to pick myself up to be where I am now.
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture
U wrote. Better stick this
U wrote. Better stick this out incase no one else will have me! Well my goodness I really did relate to this! Where do we allow it to penetrate our psyche this way! Childhood of put downs, relationships are dysfunctional! Thank you klarity belle for your messsage! I realised that it's just a mind set! Like betty said, it really is just a understanding of narcissm that once you know it makes sense! I know that this evil of narcissm sucks my energy! So changwing the way I I think is healing me! It's truly time to address the inner critic and switch of the negative voices! Become wat u seek! Thanks all! Xx
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture
U wrote. Better stick this
U wrote. Better stick this out incase no one else will have me! Well my goodness I really did relate to this! Where do we allow it to penetrate our psyche this way! Childhood of put downs, relationships are dysfunctional! Thank you klarity belle for your messsage! I realised that it's just a mind set! Like betty said, it really is just a understanding of narcissm that once you know it makes sense! I know that this evil of narcissm sucks my energy! So changwing the way I I think is healing me! It's truly time to address the inner critic and switch of the negative voices! Become wat u seek! Thanks all! Xx
betty2020
betty2020's picture
"That which we do not
"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung. I love this one..So very true. Thanks Klarity only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

betty2020
betty2020's picture
Your friend is wise. I know
Your friend is wise. I know in the Buddhist philosophy they believe in the practice of forgiveness. They practice patients, kindness and understanding. But we first must be able to do this with ourselves. Something i have struggled with for years. This is where i am at right now. Once we can master this within ourselves i think we can successfully master it with others. We may come to a place of understanding with the disordered. We can be kind in the sense of letting them go. We can be patient in that we know that recovery is a process and will take time. We can forgive but never forget. But evil still lurks in the real world and we must be mindful of this fact. finding that place of peace within ourselves is the not just the key to survival but our happiness in the longterm. I watched the movie "Being There" (Peter Sellers) last night, in the end chance the gardener walks on water. The last statement is "Life is a state of Mind", hmm food for thought.. Thanks so much for this post. It was exactly what i needed for today. Lots of Love....xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

almostlydia
almostlydia's picture
betty
'Being There' is one of my favorites. An incredible movie. Time to revisit it myself.

almostlydia

betty2020
betty2020's picture
At the top of my list.
At the top of my list. Simple man with a simple mind and possesses so much! Luv that elevator scene! What a hoot!! only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture
That is awesome! And I
That is awesome! And I agree with your friend, and from everything I know about you, I see NO reason for you to not be absolutely crazy about yourself. You're intelligent and funny and strong. I can see it in the things you write. I just wish you saw it as much.