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Contact his wife? Or am I being Vindictive?

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#1 Sep 17 - 8AM
buckwheatpj
buckwheatpj's picture

Contact his wife? Or am I being Vindictive?

I am new to this forum so please be patient with me....I am not too good with the abbreviations :)

I have been NC for over a month and quite frankly it hasn't been hard. I was in a relationship with this man for over 10 years. He is a Doctor, he is married and I had no clue there was a name for his personality type until I had a friend tell me (about 2 years ago) that this is what I was dealing with. He consumed my life. I have once child with him. She is four. When his wife found out I was pregnant he quit talking to me for 2 years. He would send $600 a month....(He makes over $35,000 a month) but I accepted this. He lies. He lies and lies and lies and lies and lies. I can't believe some of the lies I have believed. These lies and my own lack of self esteem is what kept me locked in this relationship. Oh, and I loved him. Boy did I love him. I was committed to him like a wife.

Fast forward, I found myself pregnant again. It was a carbon copy of the last time. His wife found out, she called me, he told me to "fuck off" the only difference is this time I DID. The last time I had conversation with him was when his wife called (August 8th, 2011). I found this website and I am so freaking happy!

Here is my dilemma: I want to talk to his wife again. My realistic common sense side knows that anything I say will just be covered up with another lie again. But I have emails that contradict EVERYTHING he is telling her.

*** For example: He told his wife that I drove to their town (5 hours away from my own home) to have a DNA test done on our daughter (I have MANY emails where he admits its his daughter). Instead of bringing our daughter for the DNA test I left her at home and told him that if he has sex with me I will not file for child support. I even brought a condom (Im guessing this "one time" is the time that I got pregnant with the 2nd child). EVERY WORD WAS A LIE and I can prove it.***

I just want to be validated? I think that's the word I am looking for. I want her to know that I am not a liar. I want her to know what and who she is dealing with. I am in counseling now and my counselor assures me that she knows he is lying. But why does she stay? I know she is married to him and they have two children. I know they have an appearance to uphold as they are both physicians. I dont know if any of this makes sense. Im not sure if I am being vengeful. I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I am not a terrible person.

Sep 17 - 10AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It doesn't matter what she

It doesn't matter what she knows or what she thinks of you. It just doesn't matter. The old expression "let sleeping dogs lay" comes to mind for me right now. Don't worry about who knows the truth about you, as long as you know the truth, that is all that matters. Validation plays such a large part in peoples lives. But what people seem to miss out on, as they are trying to please others and prove themselves to others is, they don't think to please themselves or prove to themselves who they are. Don't worry about the wife and what she thinks of you. She hates you, period. There is nothing you will say or do that will change her mind. Concentrate on yourself and your beautiful children. They are what is real in your life, neither of them are........ Good luck on your journey!
Sep 17 - 10AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Hi Buckwheat and welcome to the forum

I think your energy would be better served in finding a good attorney and securing child support for your children. No good ever comes of contacting the wife, particularly when she has already been hostile to you in the past. Many woman choose to stay with a man whom they know is cheating. Who knows maybe she cheats as well. They could very well have an "understanding" at this point and she is just staying because they have children together, are both professionals, and she does not feel like having to split the marital assests at this stage of her life. Believe it or not, these arrangements are not uncommon. What is more important than all of that is for you to do what is best for your children and if he has money, then why not get the tests done and get better child support for them. I don't know the particulars of your situation and maybe there are reasons unknown to me why you are not doing this. I think it is something to consider. Hang in and what does your therapist think about the child support issue? She has more of the details than we do. God bless, Goldie
Sep 17 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Hi and Welcome, Buckwheat!

cute user name! I agree with Goldie on this one. You do have a right to get child support from him and given his income, you could get a lot more than six hundred per child. I believe the combined incomes would also be something an attorney could take into account. On this level, should you proceed with this (and I totally believe that you NEED too), that his wife will find out anyway. She already knows, but details will come with a child support claim. You really don't have to say anything and I wouldn't. Successful psychopaths suck. Mine was too, but their consequences sometimes say they hang themselves too. Act with dignity and grace. You don't need to speak to her. But you do have the right to do what is best for your children. I hope you stay NC.
Sep 17 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
buckwheatpj
buckwheatpj's picture

Thanks Goldie

I just replied to another below. I have recently filed for child support through the District Attorney. I didn't file previously because I felt this was a way that I "showed my love". I didn't want him for his money, I wanted him for him. That's neither here nor there now. I told him that I was done keeping secrets and in ways "holding his marriage together". From this point forward its about my children and me. PERIOD
Sep 17 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Nice!!!

And remember, that contacting his wife could very well jepardize your case. Judges to NOT take too kindly to hearing about drama when children are involved. They most ALWAYS favor the party who comes across as the most level headed and keeps the drama out of the courtroom and the focus on what is best for the children. I have seen many woman get crappy child support because the GUY was able to prove that she was trying to create too much drama in his life and contacting the wife while you have a case pending is major drama. Leave it alone it will not best serve you or your children. God bless, Goldie
Sep 17 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

buckwheatpj

Welcome here, re your question...nothing will be achieved by getting in touch with his wife.....she knows exactly what he is and sounds like she accepts it... she wont believe a word you say b/c she doesnt want to... as for him...he left you for 2years after having your daughter...what the hell does this say about him.... you are so much better off without him...
Sep 17 - 9AM
adoette
adoette's picture

buckwheatpj

First of all, welcome to the forum. I know it takes a while to get all the abbreviations figured out! I am so sorry about your situation. You have many hurdles to leap, but it looks like you have leaped one of the biggest in being NC. To answer your question, do not contact her. She stays with him for the same complicated reasons you did. Right? She knows things and you can't save her. If you do "save" her, he will go on to ruin someone else's life. I toyed with contacting the new supply. I wanted so badly to warn her. Then I realized that if I warn her and she dumps him, there will be another one and another one and another one to follow. I hope this doesn't sound uncaring, but it is almost akin to not "saving" wild life. There is a course that is going to take place and you can't fix it. It is best to leave it alone. I know it is hard to swallow your pride and let it go, because he is painting you out to be the liar when he is. Does he have any contact with your daughter? Do you have shared custody? Will he send additional support for your second child? If you have to stay in contact with him because of the children, be as civil as possible, talk only about the children, and do not let him get away with shit. I don't know where you live, but if he has to pay you more child support, make him do it. If there is a legal way to make him pay, I say do it. But I don't have kids with my narc, so I am not speaking out of my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt. I, too, was thrilled to find this site. It is a life saving place for those of us detoxing and healing from being involved with a narc. (((hugs))) adoette
Sep 17 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
buckwheatpj
buckwheatpj's picture

Thank You.

He has met our daughter a few times however, he has NO relationship with her. There is no custody order in place. He completely stopped paying child support when the wife called and the shit hit the fan (the 2nd time). SO, I have since filed for child support. The funny thing is he should be paying $3,000 a month and I accepted $600 a month because I didnt want him to think I "loved him for his money". I will leave the wife alone. I know thats the right thing to do. I guess the need for validation will subside as all negative feelings do when forgiveness sets in. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I mean that. So so so hard.
Sep 17 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Wow

He's a winner! NOT! These jack offs think they can create children then walk away and not give a shit. I HATE that! I think you should do everything in your power to get support. I feel sorry for his wife. Whether or not this is something she has accepted, it's still very sad. She's either accepting it because she too is disordered, or there is denial on her part, however, I find it reeeeeally hard for her to overlook that her husband fathered two children outside of his marriage. That's just a little too obvious. And seriously,you really don't know what she's thinking or what she's believing or saying to him. I'm sure he's in the dog house now after the second one. But DNA doesn't lie. And in that way, as long as you don't speak to her and only act with grace and dignity on behalf of your children, she's really not going to have a choice but to deal with it.