Connecting with the "ex wife" - not for everyone but in my case it's been a godsend!

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#1 Oct 11 - 1PM

lisalisa47

Connecting with the "ex wife" - not for everyone but in my case it's been a godsend!

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on in a long time. I just got a job, having been writing non stop, AND i did a (for me anyway) brave thing and reached out to the ex narcs, ex wife (the girl immediately before me). Now i didn't know what to expect, I thought i might get a "screw you ogram" or even no reply. But in my case, becoming friends with this woman has helped me, and in turns out, is helping HER in leaps and bounds. What i found out was:

She is just LIKE me personality wise, career wise, "trust" wise, and even sounds like me on the phone.

It has been 3 years since HER break up with him, and going on 2 months since MINE, and even though she has MOVED ON in a sense, she still needed closure from her nightmare with him. And since we all know there is NO closure possible at least in getting closure from the NARC, we find we are getting closure from each other - and happily discovered we really like each other, and that has nothing to do with him.

I found out he did the SAME things to her (but MUCH worse as they were together for four years as to my 2.5), down to the texting with no reply, the "making you feel guilty about standing up for yourself", and even down to the same lines he used on her.

Funny, we don't trash him much, although we have shared some much needed relief from our situations with some good jokes, BUT just the fact that there is someone else out there who experienced HIM, makes it so much easier for both of us to get closure WITHOUT him. Does this make sense?

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you all, and it's a step that anyone wanting to try it, proceed with caution, like i said, in my case I got very lucky - i think it was fate that we become friends.

Anyone else have a similar story?

#2 Oct 11 - 10PM

betty2020

I was contacted by my xNs x

I was contacted by my xNs x wife about a month or so after I left. She was concerned for her children that still lived in the home with him. At first it was great. We laughed and joked about her children, my son and the N of course. It was not surprising to find that she had the exact same issues as I did with the N. The lying, cheating, porn and internet obsession. As time passed however, I started to feel a gloom feeling when I would hang up with her. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but something was not right with me. As more time passed and we continued to talk I did realize that our only connection was the N. Our conversations would somehow indirectly shift to conversations about him. I realized that when I would hang up the phone, I would obsess about what our conversation was about (the N). Having this contact was triggering me back to the past that I was so desperate to move on from. It no longer was healthy for me to continue our friendship in the direction it was moving. I realized that even though many years had passed since she was married to him, her trauma continued. She had never received help and she was still stuck as well. The day came when she called my phone and I couldn't answer. I didn't want to talk about the xN or anything relating to him anymore. So I had to part ways with her. She still calls occasionally but rarely and I will answer but I keep it very brief and do my best to avoid having his name even come up. So what I would say is the same as Briseis said in that you must be very careful. This is breaking NC and never forget the intended purpose of why we go NC. It is to give us the time to let the fog clear so we can regain our self worth and shift focus from the Narcissist to our own recovery. The first sign of a twinge in your gut when you speak with her is a sign that it is time to move on and let this relationship go. Do not risk your recovery for this relationship it is not worth that. Nothing is worth that. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#3 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #26)

lisalisa47

HI Betty2020

I realize what you are saying and respectfully take that into consideration. What i like about this woman is that she is alot like me, in OTHER ways, besides having the narc in common. We share a lot of the same characteristics and likes and dislikes - i genuinely like her. But i realize what you are saying about a "twinge" - i have felt that from other "mutual" friends and have since lost contact with them. LML

LML

#4 Oct 12 - 9AM (Reply to #29)

Used

ex wives and ow,s

i personally wouldnt have any contact with myexh,s partner or narcs g/f.... what would be the point for me to even want to speak about them would mean i was still interested... if myexhg/f or n,a g/f tried to get in touch with me i wouldnt even answer...i dont care if they is doing or not doing what they did to me.... i have moved on...by any conversations these women havent moved on and they are going to keep anyone else from moving on.... i cant think of anything good coming out of these senario,s....

#5 Oct 12 - 11AM (Reply to #30)

lisalisa47

Hi Used

In this case it's a different scenario. I reached out to her because I had a slew of emails they had written back and forth (that he let me read when we were together) and it had always struck me that by the tone of her emails "it could be ME talking", and they had always haunted me. She was never vile, used ghetto talk or slammed ME in the posts, but she would ask some pertinent questions of him (the same ones I ASKED HIM) and surprise, surprise, he wouldnt answer them but file them "away" in a file called UNREAD from *****. THIS is what prompted me to reach out - i had a feeling she was - and she is - a lot like me. Don't get me wrong there is also a SLEW of other women whom i know he dated that I have no desire to even see, let alone contact. This one, she has the same questions as me, the same type of heart, and probably the same insecurities I am working on. LML

LML

#6 Oct 12 - 12PM (Reply to #31)

Used

lisalisa47

lisa, i know what you mean... but when i was with narc...his ow approached me....she done herself no favours in that tho i didnt know about her..i did kinda suspect he wasent who he said he was,,cos we were just friends...i went with the flow..so she just began talking and then said they were in a relationship...twice... she was smirking and she told me a name he had called me she laughed...so i told her the score..b/c as she was talking i relized 2 things1was when he was telling me all the things women done for him.. i guessed then he was talking about just her....so i told her the things she done with him and for him...she was gutted and just kept saying he has used me..2nd thing i relized i didnt want him anymore.... she left and went and pulled him up on it...his loving texts to me that i showed her.. but what i am trying to say[about me] that after i felt like sh.. for even bothering to listen to her or talk to her...and thats how i knew i was done...b/c i didnt want to talk about him or to him... she also stayed with him..and i thought well you can...i wont...i am ayear nc today...and all i can think is i feel like this b/c of the years nc... its almost like i cant believe it happened in the first place...this year i found out myexh has been with his g/f at least 8years..i was still mates with him up till last year...didnt know this either... remember thinking i hope she doesnt come looking for me i wouldnt be interested..that was a shock for me..cos 2years ago i thought i would love to speak to these woman they both keep talking about[exh and n] well i ended up thinking i will be careful what i wish for in future...the positive thing for me was if i dont like anything or anymore i cant be bothered at all with them...so thats how i knew..for the most part..i was done with them....i dont blame any women wanting to know.. but i would say to them be sure you want to hear it.. and that goes for n,s ow...if she had known what was going to be said to her that day...i believe she wouldnt have come near me......

#7 Oct 12 - 12PM (Reply to #32)

lisalisa47

Hi USED

And sadly, in most cases, the women you DO run into are exactly like the kind you are talking about....:) LML

LML

#8 Oct 12 - 9AM (Reply to #27)

betty2020

Thats good Lisa. Always

Thats good Lisa. Always follow your gut. It is telling you that somethings not right and possible danger ahead. We spent our entire relationship with the N avoiding this feeling and paid a heavy price in the end. Its great that you like her and the two of you have found much in common. I hope your doing well dear. Havent seen you around much. :) xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#9 Oct 12 - 11AM (Reply to #28)

lisalisa47

Hi betty2020

Just an update: i got a new job, found a place 100 miles away LOL from NARCOUNTRY.....double lol...where i can have my doggie, so i have just been slammed (i am a massage therapist AND a writer) good to talk to you! LML

LML

#10 Oct 11 - 10PM

Susan32

The ex-boyfriend

It was an openly gay professor who tipped me off to the ex-Psych professor's dark side. He'd tell me "Don't listen to Mr. T--. Think for yourself." He made a BIG DEAL about respect and the fact that the ex-P really wasn't listening to me, let alone caring about me. And here's what was complicated. The ex-P and the gay prof apparently had a brief fling. It ended badly (of course) The gay prof moved on, found another boyfriend. The ex-P would refer to the gay prof as a "man scorned." It was like I was in the midst of a nasty custody battle between two men. The gay prof ended up NOT getting tenure, sad to say. But he does now have a law practice. I think after having been treated unjustly, he's fighting for the justice of others. The openly gay professor told me things at the time I didn't want to hear... but in retrospect, he was incredibly wise and prophetic.

#11 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #22)

lisalisa47

Thanks Susan

It's so good when you have someone to "validate" what you are going through, OR WILL go through someday, huh? LML

LML

#12 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

Susan32

It was my junior year

I took a class with the gay prof... it was one of the best ones I've ever taken. It was comparative religion. Excellent. Set me on the path I am today when it comes to writing about religion. I sent the prof a thank-you note years ago. While the ex-P got tenure instead of the gay prof, at least the latter is seeking out justice for others! He even handles cases for the deaf (he taught at Gallaudet) Helping the less fortunate, those who can't defend themselves... I admire that. The gay professor predicted what was going to happen my senior year. In retrospect, he validated what was going on. Heck, he was the one advocating NC before I ever came here! REALLY!!!

#13 Oct 12 - 12PM (Reply to #24)

lisalisa47

Susan32

BUT...better learning it LATE than never LOL LML

LML

#14 Oct 11 - 8PM

thisisnotfun

My exnbf's ex wife is the

My exnbf's ex wife is the one who told me he was a Narc. I googled her. I thought I was going crazy. She was his 3rd wife and told me his other wives left him as well. She left him after 4 years. Everything he did to me, he did to not only her but the other's as well. He told me how awful they were, they cheated, and only wanted him for his money.... lol...... Funny, I didn't know what A Narc was. I knew there was something really wrong with him. She told me about his porn, no sex, no itimacy, rages and control...... I read and found this site... Gosh, they don't change they only get worse....I'm so glad I took to time to find her. We are friends now and she is so happy. It took her much time and moving away from him to really get her life together.

#15 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #20)

lisalisa47

TISNF HI!!!!

It's almost like they have to meet a "prequalifier" for NARCdom huh.... No sex with significant other Hide the porn they can see from the bedroom THEN DENY IT Date skanky women behind their backs, yet LEAVE the evidence where they can see it. GO into rages at the most harmless of questions DO SHIT UNTO others then get mad and blame them....jeez.... LML

LML

#16 Oct 11 - 7PM

agnesmurphy17

Almost the Same

The woman who replaced me, found me. It has been very helpful. Also fed her the same lines he fed me. And, also, the revelation of all the lies the man tells. Maybe you have given me the strength to reach out to his first ex-wife (me=2nd) who was with him over 20 years. And, also, his ex-girlfriend who preceded me.

#17 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

lisalisa47

Hi Agnesmurphy17

God Bless the universe and the good energy of all of us here - I so bet those women are STILL hurting. Do what's in your heart, even if they don't answer or refuse to acknowledge their hurts, you can bet you will have reached them on some level, and it will help them down the road LML

LML

#18 Oct 11 - 7PM

onwithmylife

for lisalisa

I am very good friends with his first wife and her second husband, they are wonderful people and have been so good and kind to me always letting me stay with them and visit whenever I am in the area.I first learned it was not ME when I began to see her and she would tell me over and over again, it is NOT you,it is HIM and we shared all these similar stories as to how he treated her and me, AMAZINGLY SIMILAR PATTERNS FROM HIM.He was always very jealous of my friendship with her and even said in a letter to me once, how pathetic the way you cling to my family, translation= jealous, even she said that immediately!She has been a Godsend to me to realize it was never me but him................I felt the same way you did, FATE

#19 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

lisalisa47

Onwithmylife -awesome!!!!

I SO wish we could start a "reunion" group for those who wish to connect with another who has experienced the same ALIEN, so the healing for all parties could happen faster.... LML

LML

#20 Oct 11 - 6PM

blueeyes

Lisa! there u are!!

Yup! I connect w my ex Husbands ex. I was his first wife. I friended his ex girlfriend he abusused for 6 yrs! Hey. What's that link to the souls in pergatory. U posted it around labor day?? Do u know?? I've been dying to read it. I'm glad u found her!

#21 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

lisalisa47

HI Old Blue eyes

I will find that link again. I am glad you have connected with a common person yourself. Good to talk to you guys again, i missed you!!! LML

LML

#22 Oct 11 - 6PM

blueeyes

Lisa! there u are!!

#23 Oct 11 - 1PM

wholeagain

Yes

I became friends with the ex's ex-wife while I was with the ex. We were so compatible, and she was so awesome in so many ways it was impossible not to become friends. When things got rough, she was there to listen and empathize. She's got a decent relationship with the ex still--kinda has to because of business collaborations--but stands by my need for NC and set a firm boundary with him that I'm not to be a topic of conversation. I agree that this isn't workable for everyone, but she understands him like no one else and I think my experience also helped her get closure...she wasn't the only one. Lisa I'm glad this worked out for you and that healing all around came of it :)

#24 Oct 11 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

lisalisa47

Thanks WholeAgain

I think it's probably the best thing that's happened to me all year....LOL...i'm glad you have a friendship with someone who understands, as well. LML

LML

#25 Oct 11 - 1PM

Briseis

It makes perfect sense Lisa

It makes perfect sense Lisa :) Glad to see you back, I was wondering where you'd gotten to :) ExNarcs first wife is Japanese and barely speaks English, so we'd need a translator :P and she fled back to Japan to escape him fifteen or more years ago, so that's not a possibility for me. In the first year after the end, I would have SO found solace and validation if I could speak with her. It can be risky to do this. You can get drawn back into the arena with the Narc BS if the previous wife/GF/lover is STILL in the throes of post-Narc brainwashing. If her own recovery is shaky, it can make your own shake around, too. If it works, it can be SO validating. No doubt about it. You were blessed, Lisa.

#26 Oct 11 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

lisalisa47

Yes Briesis I was blessed

And, i feel very blessed to now have this person in my life. the way it came about was, i was rereading her emails to him, and the way she said things it could've been me talking! That ripped my heart open for her - and those emails haunted me way back when he and i were together. God bless her, she's been through so much worse with him than i had to go through LML

LML

#27 Oct 11 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Briseis

Yeah . . . exN's first wife

Yeah . . . exN's first wife had a child with him, AND lived in a foreign country with him, didn't speak a lot of English, had cultural differences that predisposed her to a more subservient role than I would tolerate, and he moved them into some remote town in South Dakota and ISOLATED her. Exactly what he did with me, almost to the T.

#28 Oct 11 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

lisalisa47

Wow, sorry for her that she didn't speak your language

I bet you could have helped her SO MUCH. But on the other hand if that is her culture, than it's probably a "pre qualifier" that every man of that culture BE a narc of some degree LOL but sad Like my new friend says "my expereinces with him, and the relating of them to her, are giving her story voice". I gave her the site address for here, she may join at a later time. LML

LML

#29 Oct 11 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

chickon2

Amazing

That you have met the ex's amd can relate.. My ExN was never married.. His mother would probably have a heart attack if he did get married.. anyway I wish I could meet his EXGF one day b/c from what he say..She just told him one day I am confused.. AND has never heard from her again... ANd he "suffered" about that break up.. Did his woe is me up and down FB at that time.. ANd me he told me that he adored me more than he ever loved her and was on the hunt within hours of our break... I can't wait for all of it not to make my stomach hurt... So happy you get validation..

#30 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

lisalisa47

Hi Chickon YOU ARE NOT CHICKEN LOL

Hi Brave Sister, I know what you mean. My ex narc SLAMMED this woman verbally (and later i found out much worse to boot) she has helped me so much and the funny thing was a week before i got a wild hair to contact her, she looked me up on FB thinking the same thing. That stomach pain will turn to gas, and you will FART him out, trust me (and more than once LOL) LML

LML

#31 Oct 12 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

chickon2

Nope not a chicken :-)

Thank you Lisa... I look forward to the farting him out phase..haha.. thanks

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