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  5. confession time- for the first time in 2 months I sent him a happy holloween msg....blah

confession time- for the first time in 2 months I sent him a happy holloween msg....blah

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#1 Nov 1 - 12AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

confession time- for the first time in 2 months I sent him a happy holloween msg....blah

Im ok, the msg went unread(im sure he still has his email set up so none of mine get thru...since i was so EVIL to him)

Odds are he has no clue i even sent it. I have therapy Monday...but oddly enough I think this is something I needed to do. I dont know how to explain it, but as if I needed to know that yes I am still cut off and he is a horrible man to do such a thing...like i was so evil compared to him. and in the past I never ignored him when he would get back in contact.

And he cut me off under the guise that he was doing it for both of us.

The thing that gets me is he puts on this act that he cares about others that have our illness..goes to.support groups, driving others to appointments...but yet goes and cuts me off after making sure he was my only source of support. He has a huge event in his area tomorrow and I know he will be their being his N self...making himself seem like he is sooo beyond caring. I can only hope like I did in the past that one day soon he will mess with a woman locally and she will expose him and he will no longer prey on sick women.

my biggest mistake was taking him back in May and not exposing him locally. So, here I sit in silence..they dont know he is evil...and I look like the evil crazy one because of the emails he has that I sent.

He probably has a new OW and i can just see them sitting all happy looking at Halloween movies tonite.

ok, back on the NC horse. Im not feeling hurt just angry...im more angry now then ever with him.

Despite me breaking NC...I enjoyed halloween.

Nov 1 - 11AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You chose Halloween to

You chose Halloween to contact him-maybe that is because he is a monster. He will definately expose himself and if you keep quiet it will all come around in your direction. It just takes patience. By the time it does you probably won't care as much. he abandoned you in your hour of need and is now faking good deeds for others. that has to be a crazy-maker! Narcissists have no interest in anyone's health and welfare and he came back in May for some self serving reason. He is who he is and there will be no change in him but there will be a change in the world around him. they crash and burn. they are so self-destructive that it is only a matter of time. you don't mention what your illness is but I hope you can concentrate on good health, good diet, excercise, and positive thinking so that you are taking care of yourself.
Nov 1 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

destiny

and back to square one on healing. what did you hope to accomplish by doing this? really? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 1 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I dont feel like im back to

I dont feel like im back to square one...I sort of feel relieved.(odd, right?) I guess I will see how I feel later in the week. but now I know im still blocked and meant nothing to him. I guess I was hoping to see that he might care..care how im doing healthwise......even though part of me knows he only cares about himself. I feel like he is the only one that understands that part of me. He has never been this cruel...maybe i was seeking more proof. I just wish I could fast forward past all of this. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”
Nov 1 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

come on here....

next time you want to do it, come on here first. What I used to do, was do the passive NC, look him up on facebook, or contact him etc etc. THEN come and write about it. Now, I'll obsess, then come on here and ask for advice. It stops me doing it. Now it's just working on the obsession and on me. Without this help I'd be back doing it again. Destiny, can you delete his contact details (or do you know it off by heart?) or just stick something on your PC to remind yourself not do do it. It's really not worth it, you don't need reminding he's blocked you etc. It won't help. Find something else to do, if your fingers get too itchy post on here, it won't take long for someone (probably Barbara) to remind you in no uncertain terms of what a narc is like and how trying to contact does not help.
Nov 1 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

I agree,,it gets so bad sometimes

It it much better to come on here and write about it when you get the urge. It is so touch, especially when you have had no closure, and want to contact him for 'an explaination' and how does he think he is going to get away with putting all his lies on you. It doesn't seem fair, it is awful. It gets tough. I saw my exN on Friday at our office, it pisses me off so bad when I see him I want to lose control. I quickly ran home, and didn't even go to a party that night because I knew I would break down and call/text him. Holidays are the worst, and THEY KNOW THIIS. They will try to break you down into contating them, just by a word or a look. It delights them to know they can master and control you. Don't let them do it! In fact I accidentally sent mine a text last night saying 'why would you want to talk to me after all the lies you have told C------" I wrote it, had it sitting there, and wasn't going to send it but did. F,,, I deleted it from my sent box, guess I am still looking for an explaination. They know just how to get you to break down. Gotta fight it.
Nov 1 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Sounds like you wanted to test the waters

Sounds like you just wanted to test him out, see if he still thinks about you (he might, it doesn't matter, he is an N and will only seek to destroy and manipulate) worse if you get back in touch with him. Maybe it is a sign you are ready to reach out to a healthy guy, let him know this part of yourself, see if you can create a healthy relationship that is actully fufilling and not with a pathological.
Nov 1 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Sounds like you wanted to test the waters

Sounds like you just wanted to test him out, see if he still thinks about you (he might, it doesn't matter, he is an N and will only seek to destroy and manipulate) worse if you get back in touch with him. Maybe it is a sign you are ready to reach out to a healthy guy, let him know this part of yourself, see if you can create a healthy relationship that is actully fufilling and no with a pathological.
Nov 1 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Russian Roulette

If I personally felt it would help either party whenever we try to attempt to contact them I would be in strong favor of it but most of the time it will blow up in someone face. Attempting to contact them is done in either desperation or obsession. Both are negative in nature and more then not done promptly and really without thinking about all the consequents of this outcome. Also one should think about their own feeling and emotional expectations of this action. Sorry folks but for me contacting them is simply playing Russian roulette with my emotions and heart never knowing if there is a bullet in that chamber... http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Nov 1 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks everyone- I think I

Thanks everyone- I think I was just testing the waters. I think I was just so used to being able to still be in contact in the past...and he was such a big part of my support that I went looking for that thinking that I would find it....but of course I didnt. I think very very soon im going to block HIM on everything possible....he probably would never contact ever, but why should he have easy access to me...he is the one that lied had OW...let me drive home in the wee hours of the morning not caring if i even got home. He logged into AIM last week...i think purposely to let me see him. He knew my bday and halloween were coming up and halloween was my fav holiday. I have never had an ex ever cut me off...not like this. ugh why on earth is this so hard for me to comprehend. I have therapy tomorrow and I will be asked all of the 'feeling' questions....and the what was I looking for in contacting him. I think if i didnt have this chronic illness I wouldnt feel this way I would have just walked away sooner...but we had that bond...or he made sure he had that bond with me. I hate him. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”