Coming clean of them, do you feel they are like a stranger?

One of the hardest things to swallow is that you were not actually in a relationship with your X-N. It was all a farce, he was never there, sharing with you because its impossible for him. When I think back to memories shared with other ex boyfriends that happened even 10 years ago, I feel warmth, or some other emotion, a connection. When I think back on something that happened only 5 months ago with my X-N I recollect no emotion from him, just someone who was there. In other words if I was at a birthday party and was happy, it was because I was enjoying the general company and not because he was there sharing the moment with me. It is like have a stranger with you. Its sad but true. You are not alone in feeling this way, its because you are finally seeing the truth.

married to the piece of shit for 17 years....and really never knew anything about him....because of course there is nothing to know....i remember early on trying to get even the most insignifigant crumb out of him.....like his favorite color or his favorite pizza topping....and it was all TOP SECRET....they don't WANT to be known.....because then we'll know that what there is to be known is all very very very bad..... i've said before....trying to know the psychonarc was like trying to break into Fort Knox......and once i finally tunneled in.....there was no gold.....just fool's gold...and not even much of that......

I actually said to my N at one point you are like a stranger to me. I feel as if this person that I thought I loved didn't exist. They switch backwards and forwards from who they really are to who they make out to be.

I can relate to what you posted- I have often thought..did I really go out with him..sometimes it feels as if it never happened. I was basically just there to fill his void.. and that is all I remember...being there for him.. I do think he shared with me more than he has anyonelse.. I got too close and figured him out. I saw pics of him..and it wasnt the pics that bothered me...but what the represented. It was like I was looking at a pic of a stranger.. sort of a detached feeling. I think what we have trouble getting over mostly is what they did to us...not actually the real person... “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”

Yes. Very superficial. Always silly talk, role playing, sex or "how was your day" kind of talk. Nothing real. looking back realizing also that the times I THOUGHT had been real were not at all, he was wooing a new victim. No one is there. Peace. J

Yes... back before NC, he had sent me some long msg; I was thinking about deleting my fb account, and he was discussing this, hoping, he said, that I didn't leave fb (like it made any difference to him, ha). He said something about how it's a good outlet, and good for keeping up with friends, etc... and then something about how on the internet you can control people's perceptions of you. This comment was buried in a long flattering message about how awesome and unforgettable our past was (even though he dumped me later)... and later that night, I woke up at like two in the morning with that line blazing in my mind, about controlling people's perceptions, and the rock-solid realization that I didn't even KNOW this man who was my supposed soulmate. He was truly a stranger to me. Chilling realization. Also once he admitted to sometimes saying things in conversations and then later thinking, I don't think that, why did I say that? Of course, leaving me to wonder just which things those were after months of conversations. I would guess...everything. He's pretty much just spinning a yarn, making things up as he goes along... Basically, they are all strangers... there is no one there to know.

After about 7 months of NC from my psychopath bf of six months, I met up with him to see a concert. I was actually afraid of being alone with him. He wanted to go out to eat afterward, I refused and that was that. When I think about him, it's like thinking about escaping from a monster. Both of them really. When I think about my last exN/psycho, I imagine him as a snake. I have had nightmares about him. I was falling in love with a vampire.

With both my exNH and my latest emotional lover flaming N. As I detach and get the mind scramble under control they feel like strangers to me. It is an odd and disconcerting feeling. I think it is cause they are not real -they are wearing masks - and in My ExNH's case - he is so detached from himself and flat affect (blunted emotions) there is no self there to react to. He's all passive-aggressive and about driving me insane - and without that clouding my perception it's as if he does not exist. I had glimpses of this with both of them on and off in our rel's. How I really became aware of it was when I started to pay attention to other non-N people I know well - particularly men - and how much more connected and "real" they felt to me. Then in my mind, when I imagined one of the N's, they felt so non-present and ephemeral. Like movies I watched.

as i've spent the last few days staring down at the dying psychonarc, i have also contemplated how little i know about the monster who i have been married to for 17 years....but i do see quite clearly now that i really have known for a long time all there really is to know.....that contrary to what i have believed for so long....i have profound knowledge of him........he is evil.....

Yes, now that the experience is behind me I can think about him and see who he really is and this is not at all who I once thought he was. If I were to come face to face with him again the conversation would be superficial. I do not feel angry anymore. I do not feel anything except maybe pity because he is an empty shell and is disordered. Now that I know who he is, I do not like him, I do not miss him, nor is he a person I would ever want anything to do with. An imperfect stranger.

I know exactly what you mean. It's funny because for as much as we think of them, I have mentally placed myself in a situation where I see him again, he starts making excuses, explaining himself, telling me all the things he thinks I want to hear. Maybe 6 months ago, I would have gotten upset, been very angry, 'let him have it'. Now, it seems I'd just maybe tilt my head....and say, "hmmmm, allrighty then!"...or bust out laughing hysterically at the whole silly mess. You're right, they were always strangers...we just didn't know it at the time. It took putting space between them and us to really get that. Mostly, it all just feels like a HUGE waste of time (and this is the person I was supposed to marry last Feb. 2009!!)