Cold reality is creeping back

I am now thinking I temporarily lost my mind seeing EX N here and laughing and joking and socializing with him like nothing terrible happened. Yes, I asked for an apology and got a small one, but the conversation was inappropriately light for the way I was treated. Plus, I gave my power away AGAIN by letting him know I still care and being the last one to communicate. He left town without saying goodbye.

I could try to make an excuse and say he was emotionally freaked out by how close we both felt at our encounter, which may in fact be true, but a NORMAL person would fight through the weirdness of it and still say or text a polite good bye to this woman (me) that they profess to still care for after almost a year.

I am off balance, but definitely not back to zero, thank god. I want to say I have zero expectations but honestly I will be hurt if I don't hear from him again. I know I will, but what, in another year? I think he thinks I am waiting for him!!! I mentioned I might move soon and he said "You are not moving anywhere". When I told him that I am going to look at property his eyes got very wide. I don't think he ever really considered that we are really broken up and very well may lose touch, especially if I am not in his home town where he will periodically come to visit. He loves it here and I do not. It is a nice place but not for me. I have a business here but do not need to live here full time, I can work virtually from anywhere. I was here mostly for him and he never appreciated it.

I am on dangerous slippery ground and I do not recommend seeing your EX N unless you are either 100 percent over it and want to speak your final words or you plan to go back to him and accept the NPD. This in between stuff - sort of had closure and sort of opened the door (we made it clear to each other that we both still care) is not good emotionally for recovery. I do not know why in the world I would still care for someone who was so awful to me and ran off to chase old fame, attention and hang with cheap hoes publicly.
Not to brag, but i am a nice looking high quality person who has accomplished alot and given alot to the community (scholarships for kids). I should be a soccer mom by now in a nice house in the burbs, not rootless, alone, childless and uncertain about my future. You young girls please pay heed. There is no reason to be going through this insanity in middle age - please make the hard changes now. I feel like I have an immature overly romantic, magical thinking problem that has allowed me to waste many years hoping for a change that will never come.
This guy is not even that great that I have sacrificed so much for...I am going to force myself to date this summer even though it has not been 18 months. I am not young and I am tired of being alone so much. Nice men still like me and I am so lucky they still are attracted to an oldster like me...
It is kind of good to know EX N cares for me, but if he TRULY cared for me he would be begging forgiveness and inviting me to come to his new city. I think you all are right that he just wanted to know his old GF (supply) is still there just in case...
Thanks again, I am going to be very busy soon with work, travel and funerals so will not have much time to post or obsess. I DO feel much stronger than Jan when I was totally lost but now its like a dream that i just saw EX N - there was no closure..

ifinallygotit's picture

I think it was good that we met. Nothing really resolved but alot of pain and fear melted away. I think if we do not communicate I will be ok and move forward with all the hard work I have done. Even if his feelings are shallow, I know he still cares for me...he did not want to leave my side after 6 hours even with no sex...But someone's comment about dogs being more loyal really struck a cord - I secretly harbor a happy ending, which I know is magical thinking, but I will not do anything foolish. This past winter almost finished me off - I am too old for a permanent rollercoaster lifestyle. i am shifting gears to prepare for my sister and her memorial for her husband. I have not heard from N since he left saying "this is alot to process" It is so true that Narcs have no sense of time. He really acted like a few weeks had passed - not a year... I was dreading June 25th, the anniversary of when he happily dropped me to the airport but now its no big deal to me anymore - I am sick of the melodrama and want to live my life...whatever happens will happen - thank you for letting me know I am not alone... I spent all weekend with friends but they do not want to hear anymore about ex N...
michele115's picture

Vilde left what I think would be an applicable comment to my blogpost on FEAR. She said: "unfortunately, he's not thinking about you" - if you told me this 6 months ago, I would be totally heartbroken. NOW I must say it is a VERY GOOD NEWS actually!!!! :-D I hope he doesn't think about me, I hope he will forget me, never try to hoover me or something like that! The big part of my pain was caused by the thought : "Does he think about me? What if he does and enjoys the fact he ruined my life - and at the same time his life is 'blooming'?" I was scared to be forgotten by him. NOW I enjoy it! being forgotten = your Narc doesn't plan to ruin your life anymore, he is too busy with doing it with someone else's life; Being forgotten is A BLESSING It will take time Ifinallygotit, but the Narcs departure for all of us I believe is a Blessing. Hugs!
Ladydb123's picture

Don't be so hard on yourself, as older wiser women we are all seeking a friend, a companion, a husband to share our lives with. These men just have no real hearts or souls, they just use. They fake being the one....I believe we often accept them back because we are good and caring woman who do have hearts of gold. Our love or care isn't going to fix them or change them, I knew that going in and just wanted a friend who was honest and respectful and Dr. Hyde showed up WTF. In my case I can't move just yet, been in my own home for 34 years, retired with a pension. Yet, I am still working a parttime job for my own sanity. He only lives two miles away. Take your Power Back, do what works for you. These men think they can get away with it, but when we move on We win and they lose. It's not about them anymore. Just remember what ever woman is or comes into their lives will get the same treatment in her end. I am learning that NO Closure is OK because No Contact is the Knife that they can't handle and will go away.... Younger Sista hear us.
enpsychopedia romantica's picture

Your narc sounds pretty irresistible, magnetic personality, touch etc...It's no wonder you held out for him. And good for you for not letting it go farther then it did when you saw him last. You were in the wrong place at wrong time. That is why you met. These men can cast a spell on just about any woman. I thought I was bullet proof, in terms of player types. But alas...was not. Some of them are just that good at what they do. They don't come across as players, initially...but they are. When you get back into the dating scene it will be with eyes wide open. You'll know what to avoid. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and don't do the coulda-woulda-shoulda. You could have been a soccer mom...and had a serious traffic accident!...We just don't know why things happen the way they do. We just have to extract the maximum education out of these major life experiences, move on and ultimately prosper from them. Best of luck and hope your funerals all go as best as can be expected. Hugs--ER
Caligirl's picture

I'm beginning to think we never really get closure with these Ns, Ifinallygotit, especially if SEEING him didn't do it. I will probably never see my N again. We live far apart. I was going to send a final email bc we never said goodbye to get closure, but I'm seeing the futility in that. I think the narcs always think we'll be waiting around for them, ready to take them back. We put up with their BS and abuse, so it's like they think we'll drop everyone and everything for them. What shocks them is our strength when we don't! I think we just need to live our lives and move on past the narc bc, let's face it, they'll always be the narc. We have the ability to truly love and have REAL, MATURE, RECIPROCAL LOVE, so who has the better odds? We need to truly, 100% let go, and let them go off to lead their sad, little, superficial lives. I think you should do what makes YOU happy! If you feel like moving bc you don't like it there, than do it. But just don't force yourself to date too soon if you don't feel ready, but if you do then give it a whirl:) I'm going on almost 3 months NC and feel so far from dating. I don't know how old you are, but you're never too old. I'm 44 years old and I too feel over the hill, but I hear there are plenty of single, normal men out there. When the right, normal guy comes around, he will have no hesitation to pursue a "high quality" gal like yourself and sweep you off your feet, lol. There's nothing wrong with wanting romance too;) Just be ready, and make sure your heart is well-healed from the narc. Have a peaceful Sunday. (((Hugs)))
ifinallygotit's picture

Thanks caligirl. He acted in love with me, had no insight as to why he drifted after his move (well we all know it was for new supply, not just women but all the attention he has been missing for 15 years from fans...). He clearly seems lost and confused and not done with me. If he was not a Narc you might think wow, there is hope, he ran wild for a year and came to his senses that he misses a real relationship, but alas, he may miss me but as a Narc, he despises intimate relationships. He probably had fun with me because of the drama of the meeting - and then the romantic tone it took. He loves romance even more than sex, just does not want the mundane parts like being responsible and reliable... Question is, am I truly done with him? Will my future be a dark hole if I do not make my own closure? The time is upon me now - it has come down to it where I am about to make a huge life choice and possibly move across the country no where close to him. I am going on vacation in July to look at property for a week and decide if I really feel comfortable in the new place... The other slippery factor is my family lives in a city back East only a few hours car drive from his city...I will be going there more frequently now, after the deaths and also have a reunion later this summer. Being near him with no contact is very hard to take. I already told him that I am going for a funeral this coming weekend and will be spending the whole time with my family. He said he you can see we are both thinking about the next encounter... Honestly, I think we were both very happy to be in each other's company...other than him being an impossible sometimes silent Narc, we always got along well. I think the scary part is accepting the unacceptable. My counselor cancelled on me Sat btw...
onwithmylife's picture

I like your post and we as women need to remember it is NEVER too late or too old to find true love, it is this stupid society that dictates you are over the hill after 50 years old or whatever and it annoys me greatly!!this is such a stupid youth driven society in this country, far different than Europe and elsewhere...........
Susan32's picture

The ex-Psych prof and I were 15 years apart... he was 32 and I was 18 when we first met, by the final D&D he was 36 (and much fatter) and I was 22. At the time, he was 36 and his girlfriend 31. When they married, he was 37 and she was 32. My youth didn't guarantee me anything. I remember during the final D&D, one of my friends said in shock,"Don't narcissists WANT younger partners?" One can look at Hugh Hefner, Donald Trump, etc with trophy wives, for the most part, Ns want someone a great deal younger. I think he thought that having someone older would make him look normal, that having a curator rather than a former student as a girlfriend would somehow legitimate him. It all boiled down to status. She had the big bucks... I didn't. For some Ns, youth is a non-issue. It's control and money.
Caligirl's picture

Yes, society is preoccupied with youth:( It's sad bc age is really just a number. There is so much more to a person than age and outward appearances.
onwithmylife's picture

you need to really believe in your moniker for this website because you still believe he cares for you, like a normal man, but he freaking doesn't care for you, he has no capacity to care for you, his emotional intelligence level is like a 2 year old toddler. you need to get real, get on with your life, move if you so desire to, and go out and date if you want to, there is no magic time to begin dating. but most important of all, realize he is using you as a doormat and if that is what you want, he will keep wiping his feet on you, ,no contact seems to be the only way to go for you, because your are totally shortchanging yourself away by being Miss nice person in light of the horrible treatment he has given you!!This interaction with him must be hard on your self esteem, which sounds like it is struggling anyway.As good old Dr.Phil says, you set the standard for how a person will treat you and he must have been laughing all the way to catch his plane!
ifinallygotit's picture

I am in my 50's and feeling it. It took me a whole month to recover from my recent bad sports injury that would have taken me a week to get over years ago. I do not think my ex N is laughing himself to the plane. I think he was scared to see me (thus the sudden emotional shut down before the meeting - 180 mood swing from the light tee hee stuff on the phone the night before - plus he was walking into the unknown with no control over how our meeting would go - Narcs and most men hate that loss of control). Maybe you think I give him too much credit but I think he was blown away by our meeting and the feelings that came up for both of us - he left saying this is alot to process and I think he is very scared that he DOES care for someone. It is so much easier to live in the superficial fast lane going to bars and screwing fast ladies after getting high or drunk. I am NOT saying he can love me or that he is not a Narc. But he is defintitely not a psychopath and I think he does care for me in his own limited way...but again far from normal. I said before the meeting I could not guarantee no tears. He said "why would you cry?' knowing that we have not seen each other in 11 and half months...I guess they are a bit like robots. I have to say he did not want to leave me that night...he dawdled leaving and kissed me twice good bye. I do finally get it, I just don't like it and am still assimilating that someone I loved so much for so long cannot ever really love me back. When he called to schedule the meeting he could not even say "I want to see you" even though he had changed his plane ticket to do so....Thank you for supporting me in this painful process...I could see him saying he wanted to try again and then in a week shutting down completely...I know there is no chance of emotional stability with him...its still sad
dupedx2's picture

I've been reading your post in the last week and I am sorry for the roller coaster pain of it. In many ways I feel the same about the narc that I am shutting out of my life...reading your post has helped me maintain no contact. Your analogy of your narc being like a lovable dog to everyone really hit home. Unfortunately, we cannot have any long term happiness with a person so emotionally undependable. They live so much in the moment, very much like a dog, but truthfully, dogs are more loyal. Knowing all that we know about narcs does not mean that when we talk to them or see them that the old feelings of love do not come back. It is hard to be rational about those FEELINGS. I have to remind myself when I feel sorry for him or feel that I need to contact him, that he is broken in a way that hurts me more than it hurts him, and that I have to protect myself. Hard to do. I am also in my 50's- fled from him in my 20's and he narced his way back into my life THIRTY years later! That is why I am Dupedx2! I knew something was WRONG with him in my 20's and fled, but it took longer to "get it" in my 50's and I think it hurts more and is harder to get over this time. Good luck to you- it is all hard to process and accept.
onwithmylife's picture

i am an older woman as well, alone and struggling by myself, and it is terribly sad, maybe your exnarc has a little more self awareness than say mine, at least he had the balls to meet with you,mine would shot himself first he is such a scared, distraught little toddler, and your is not a psychopath nor is mine, but that doesn't deny the underlying fact that he has some type of personality disorder. You can go right ahead and waste even more of your life wishing he was a normal guy, I spent 15 years with mine and then 2 more years on top of that,getting over him, wishing he would become a normal man, like when i first met him and we had such a wonderful life together, all i am saying the sooner you grasp and come to terms with the reality of his very abnormal world and all its inner turmoil, you will realize that time is marching on, it is not waiting for me or you and that you have a life to live and love to give, and to realize he cannot give or receive your love, as painful and sad as it is and believe me it is.. I too feel my narc loved me in his own twisted way, as I am sure we all did, but it is NOT the love we want and need. I can say there is probably not a man or woman on this board who doesn't wish it could have been very different with these people , then this website would cease to exist and we would all be happily in love!