I am now thinking I temporarily lost my mind seeing EX N here and laughing and joking and socializing with him like nothing terrible happened. Yes, I asked for an apology and got a small one, but the conversation was inappropriately light for the way I was treated. Plus, I gave my power away AGAIN by letting him know I still care and being the last one to communicate. He left town without saying goodbye.
I could try to make an excuse and say he was emotionally freaked out by how close we both felt at our encounter, which may in fact be true, but a NORMAL person would fight through the weirdness of it and still say or text a polite good bye to this woman (me) that they profess to still care for after almost a year.
I am off balance, but definitely not back to zero, thank god. I want to say I have zero expectations but honestly I will be hurt if I don't hear from him again. I know I will, but what, in another year? I think he thinks I am waiting for him!!! I mentioned I might move soon and he said "You are not moving anywhere". When I told him that I am going to look at property his eyes got very wide. I don't think he ever really considered that we are really broken up and very well may lose touch, especially if I am not in his home town where he will periodically come to visit. He loves it here and I do not. It is a nice place but not for me. I have a business here but do not need to live here full time, I can work virtually from anywhere. I was here mostly for him and he never appreciated it.
I am on dangerous slippery ground and I do not recommend seeing your EX N unless you are either 100 percent over it and want to speak your final words or you plan to go back to him and accept the NPD. This in between stuff - sort of had closure and sort of opened the door (we made it clear to each other that we both still care) is not good emotionally for recovery. I do not know why in the world I would still care for someone who was so awful to me and ran off to chase old fame, attention and hang with cheap hoes publicly.
Not to brag, but i am a nice looking high quality person who has accomplished alot and given alot to the community (scholarships for kids). I should be a soccer mom by now in a nice house in the burbs, not rootless, alone, childless and uncertain about my future. You young girls please pay heed. There is no reason to be going through this insanity in middle age - please make the hard changes now. I feel like I have an immature overly romantic, magical thinking problem that has allowed me to waste many years hoping for a change that will never come.
This guy is not even that great that I have sacrificed so much for...I am going to force myself to date this summer even though it has not been 18 months. I am not young and I am tired of being alone so much. Nice men still like me and I am so lucky they still are attracted to an oldster like me...
It is kind of good to know EX N cares for me, but if he TRULY cared for me he would be begging forgiveness and inviting me to come to his new city. I think you all are right that he just wanted to know his old GF (supply) is still there just in case...
Thanks again, I am going to be very busy soon with work, travel and funerals so will not have much time to post or obsess. I DO feel much stronger than Jan when I was totally lost but now its like a dream that i just saw EX N - there was no closure..