Cognitaive Dissonence sucks! No Contact Tips Please, Ladies!

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#1 Aug 17 - 12AM
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture

Cognitaive Dissonence sucks! No Contact Tips Please, Ladies!

Hellooooooo mood swings! One minute, feeling hopeful and strong, a new surge of energy hits me. I am thoroughly convinced that I never want to talk to him again than…..

Wham!!!!! I start feeling sad, missing the something that was in my life for three years. Even though that something was mostly horrible, it had been in my life for 3 years and I have to grieve it.

There were some really good times-no joke. Even towards the end. But when it was hell, it was beyond a nightmare, and there is no going backwards-No way, Jose!

I am getting Narc cravings-thank god I can’t call him-don’t have his number (deleted it on purpose). Missing superficial things-like his smell, inside jokes, gestures. How crazy is that ! He was OVERTLY abusive and over the top and I can’t go back. Yet my mind plays tricks.

The emotional side of me wants him to kind of call me again but the logical side knows that is simply NO GOOD!
I scared him away with by threatening to get a restraining order against him if he called again; that was a few days ago and he hasn’t called since. Tht has baught me some time, Iand I actually feel better already. I am starting to feel sane already and I am feeling my positive energy come back.

The longest I have gone No-Contact before one of us breaks it, is two weeks. Once I make it to three weeks, it will be a milestone and I will post a Celebretory post.

Probably a question asked time and time again- but please give me your tips on staying strong in no contact. What do you do when you get cravings? (Thank-god I can’t call him, but he may call me while I am getting cravings)?

I am sure that I will make it this time, just don’t want to take any chances and want to be emotionally prepared and have a game plan.
Thanks!

Aug 17 - 9AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Miss Lewis,

When I read your first post my jaw dropped. That asshole had you jumping through an endless row of hoops. I want you out of this so badly. Just keep working on YOU. Remember Miss Lewis before this jerk off got a hold of her. You are definitely going to have to do some serious soul searching to emotionally heal. Try not to let your emotions rule when it comes to thoughts of him. Only your mind. Common senses and pure facts will take care of you seeing him as anything more than an empty, cruel and weaker opponent. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. If you continue it will pay off, big time! xxx, Ruby
Aug 17 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Miss Lewis

:) It's all normal, just keep remembering the shitty things over the good ones! I'm sure there are far more of the bad moments over the good! Keep busy and soon 6 months will pass! Hunter
Aug 17 - 4AM
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Miss Lewis

If I find myself drifting back into thoughts of the good times I read and re-read articles about the condition of narcissism/psychopathy to give myself a reality check. I think that part of the trauma that we suffer is in the shock of realising that this person is not who we thought they were and so a complete acceptance of this fact can take a long time to acheive. We try to think logically about it and logic tells us that we can remember times when he seemed to genuinely care "so he can't be all bad, can he?". Sadly, it is exactly these human qualities that the narcissist/psychopath uses against us to wear down our defenses. They know from experience how our minds work. It is a stimulus-response excercise for them. I read a very interesting article recently about mirroring which explained how the narcissist/psychopath behaves in such a way that causes us to develop what can only be described as an addiction to him. He does this deliberately to keep us dependent on him. This serves 2 purposes for him: 1) It allows him to project his feelings of dependency on others onto us which makes him feel better about himself, 2) It guarantees him a constant stream of narcissistic supply from us whenever he needs it. Here is a quote from the article: "Then as the relationship deteriorates the same psychopath which purposely mirrored and celebrated every mundane aspect of your own lifestyle will become the most ruthless critic of your existence. These imbecilic, fraudulent halfwits will then assume a pedestal of ethical and intellectual superiority and begin talking down to the victim. One minute you are a genius, the next, a simpleton. Planning to have a baby with you on a Friday, calling you ugly and disgusting on a Monday. Then it is time for the psychopath to "move on" as the "relationship just didn't work out..." This is designed to cause chemical changes in the body of the victim who are now crashing from the sudden loss of the early sycophantic mirroring of the early idealisation days. Wild fluctuations of dopamine within the victim's brain which leads to confusion and depression. Murder-by-suicide is not uncommon. Until the victim starts to come to understand that what they were dealing with all along was not one of us. Then, at that moment - the victim/target begins to see the way out of the labyrinth." We must remember that any good memories that we have of the narcissist/psychopath are fake and were created by him purely for the purpose of extracting supply from us and to get us addicted to him. Statements like the one above are enough to give me the quick wake-up-call I need to put any fake "good memories" right out of my mind. Hope this helps. Nemesis xxx
Aug 17 - 2AM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

...what they said.:-)

...what they said.:-)
Aug 17 - 12AM
megamillion
megamillion's picture

Get it out of your head

and onto "paper" (or electronic format)! I do three things: a) draft e-mails and RAGE or ask all the questions - usually answering them myself and then writing some sort of affirmation or validation of myself. Then I delete them. b) I made a private blog (Tumblr is good for this - can be made for free, pretty easy to set up and post in various ways) to which I post quotes/images/notes to myself that are positive (sometimes negative) or inspirational. I rarely look at the blog, just push these things I see or feel into that electronic space and I will delete (the posts)/deactivate it when I feel strong enough. Soon, I hope! c) JOURNAL. I keep a little journal near my bed (and sometimes carry it around) and in this I write reasons/things for which I am grateful, what I've learned or seen that day, what I plan to do tomorrow, and positive thoughts about myself. I go back and read it when I'm feeling like I really can't take not understanding why this happened. You're doing great - the bad stuff is not worth the good moments (and I KNOW how you want it to be like the good times). You're worth it!! xxx Mega
Aug 17 - 12AM
cindy222
cindy222's picture

Hi miss lewis

I too get like this and I have been away from him for 9months, so I guess it goes on for awhile yet. I have been told it can last 2/3 yrs...... Anyway, when I get really bad, I ring a friend and most times I have been lucky and my friend is home. She talks me round and sees sense. Yes it is an awful pull when you get like that. I did have a slip up last week actually and rang him at work, but it ended up being a good thing, because when i heard his voice and noticed how condecending he was, it was a wakeup call for me that I needed. It reasured me that I made the right choice and that he will never change. Most times when I get that urge to ring, i go for a really fast walk, or put on some music and dance around the room, until that anxiety has eased. I don't know if any of what I have written will help, but good luck, and hang in there. It's not easy for any of us, but atleast we have each other. take care
Aug 17 - 12AM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Miss Lewis

The 3 articles below is how I have finally made myself stay NC even when I'm raging mad. The last article is my NC bible! I carry it in my purse!!! NC is hard but it is PEACEFUL! You can do it and you will be so much happier if you stick to it! Good luck! Sara http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/08/01/narcissistic-injury-nc http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/08/01/hurting-you-isnt-something-narcissists-do-accident http://www.thenarcissistandpsychopath.yolasite.com/no-contact.php
Aug 17 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Sara. the last one is MAJOR STRONG support

I just printed it out: http://www.thenarcissistandpsychopath.yolasite.com/no-contact.php it is seriously empowering!!!! Thank you. so so needed to take this in.
Aug 17 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

Read this, too.

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-psychopath-the-dangerous-lure-of-the-honeymoon-phase/
Aug 17 - 2AM (Reply to #3)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Finallyfree

Great article!!! I bookmarked it so I could go back to it if I ever lose my mind again. This is the part the drives me insane about my Narc... Psychopaths are good enough actors to make such cheesy lines sound plausible to their victims, not only because of what they say but also how they say it: looking into your eyes, speaking in a low, hypnotic voice, even blushing with emotion or shedding a tear or two at the right moment. I believed the craziest crap and fell for the cheesiest lines on the planet. I look back now and think about how crazy everything he said was! AND CHEESY! It was like living in a fairytale land in his head sometimes. Thanks for the article! Sara