cog dis is back really bad :(

hi Ive been on a weeks no Narc break great!!! Listen up, this report has to be filed put all your energy into that get it done. it will run out, the longer you stay the more you look like youre not able to live without hbis handouts, you need to look credible to the court. File the report, stay with a friend, live on campus. Wean yourself off the drug of his money. stop looking at women wo had it worse, and just get it done. You will feel empowered the minute you do that report. xxx

Oh my goodness sweetie, You do not deserve to have these horrible thoughts. Its natural for anyone to ONLY think of the good memories because its what made us feel so good, sometimes we push the bad abusive memories out of our head as a natural defense mechanism so we can cope, I also see you suffering some major trauma bonding here that you cant get rid of, Bresis is right you do need a professional who can help you work thru the aftermath of what these individuals do to their victims. What you are thinking and feeling is a normal reaction to the horrible abuse you have suffered, BUT there comes a time honey that WE ourselves must face, a time when we say, OH MY GOD I have simply got to save myself I have GOT to get the help I need to recover from this and become healthy once again, its a painful and hard journey. I dont know about you but I AM NOT WILLING TO LAY DOWN AND DIE because I became a victim to a very disturbed person, I DESERVE BETTER than that and so do you. Who is WORTH MORE in saving? YOU or this vile sick person that caused this destruction? THat is what it comes down to in the end. I had to tell myself many many times how could I possible miss or truly love a man of such rotten morals and rotten character. I discovered the tears I was sheading over this man were not really for him but were over the damage he did to me. You "sort a miss the jerk"??? When you are mentally healthy again (by that I mean mentally free from him) trust me you will NOT miss A JERK, you sort of miss someone that caused you physical harm? AND mental harm? \ I was never "swindled" from mine, he was filthy rich - he never wrapped me up in a warm blanket but he most certainly did wrap me up in his warm body and made love to me as if I was the most important person in the world - he also was into choking me too and forcing my head somewhere, so am I suppose to forget and dismiss that part just because he also snuggled up with me and held me in his arms? Your saying, he beat the shit out of me yet he was sooo generous with me. This is what they do they severely abuse us thru charm. Get the professional help you need to overcome the aftermath of what they do, when you get to the other side your life with be rich and rewarding but you have to put some work into it. x0x0x0 here is to your healing

There is nothing else to add really except for your own sake, please listen! You are worth so much more than you've been lead to believe because of the abuse you've suffered. Please listen and HEAR that from all of us!!!! (((((hugs))))) Journey on...

I'm just gonna say this hon. You got cognitive dissonance BAD. You value yourSELF so little that memories of him just being DECENT and NORMAL to you are so overwhelmingly WONDERFUL that his abuse pales in comparison. What he actually did to you seems not so important as the superficiality of spending money on you and brief displays of Prince Charming. Wrapping you up in the cold? That's what any NORMAL guy would do. It's not some kind of manna from Heaven, and yet the memories of it, to your poor starved heart, are worth more than being severely beaten, are worth more than knowing he is a pedophile. That points directly at your most important dilemma. You don't have a Self, yourself. One that matters to you, anyway. The degree to which you devalue yourself is ALARMING, honey :( You have a significant PROBLEM, here. And I'm gonna say it out flat because I worry this problem is going to get you killed. For all you reading, Fierflie has been divorced for several months from an admitted pedophile who has severely beaten her physically. She continues to live with him. She continues to yearn for him, off and on, in spite of the criminal and life threatening abuses he's done to her :( That's why I am not going to play patty cake here, because I care about Fierflie's LIFE whether she does or not. I care about everyone here's LIFE in the same way and will give out the same medicine. It is not judgment, it is CONCERN. It is not compassionate of me at ALL to pussyfoot around. Honey, you want the cognitive dissonance to go away for good? Get yourself into a decent psychologist who will sit you down and run you through some psychometric testing and get some factual basis on how you operate. And then go into TREATMENT. And do what they say, even if you don't want to. That is how you will recover from this. Submit to healing, stop doing it your own way. Doing it your OWN way has gotten you HERE. It is no one else's responsibility that you are HERE but your own. That is true for all of us, at some point, not just you, OK? Nothing will change until you give it up. I'm not gonna pat you on the head and soothe you. That is not what will help you. You need to get a grip, some how, some way, and I KNOW you can. You have to do something different than you are doing or you are going to end up DEAD. And if that doesn't matter to you, it's going to matter to a lot of other people who you will regret letting down. You don't have to live like this, Fierflie. You have choices and you just have to make them. I'm not going to go round and round with you about the details. You are smart. You know what I am talking about here.

You don't miss him.... you miss the dream, and the way it made you feel. I miss feeling special, and adored. I miss feeling that another person needed me so much. I miss the dream of living an exciting life with someone to share deep emotions and passion with, but it's all based on a dream. Reality with a Narc will never add up to those things. I was suicidal too, but then I started focusing on goals for myself... things I wanted to accomplish, friendships I wanted to invest in, people I wanted to help, things that reminded me of my value as a person, something my ex-Narc can never diminish. *Big Warm Hug to you... Don't ever give up!